Top Ten: Gwen Stefani Night (3/27)

Don't speak. Also, don't sing--Sligh!

by Frank Pittarese

"And then there were ten (which is about eight too many). Tonight, a superstar (relatively speaking) is supplying the songlist (well...three songs), but you are calling the shots (we already went through this last week, and I still don't see Blake and Chris R. making out). Who will win your vote? (Mind your own business, Seacrest.) Live, this is American Idol."

Massive cheers as Seacrest takes the stage. He loves this part. Applause is to Ryan what tears are to Tyra Banks. They keep him alive. He wants to know if we like Gwen Stefani. I've never met the woman, so I can't say. It doesn't matter. Tonight's theme is "No Doubt songs and songs from the artists and bands who inspired (Gwen)." In other words, tonight's theme is "whatever we feel like."

But who is this Gwen Stefani? Might we have a clip reel to explain her queer personage? Seacrest obliges. Once upon a time, there was a finely sculpted mannequin standing in the window of Macy's. On a chilly All Hallow's Eve, a one-eyed witch sneezed on the mannequin, and thus, Gwen Stefani was miraculously brought to life. Gwen dedicated her new life to bringing music and beauty to the world, while collecting Asian girls like they were Hummel figurines.

Okay, I joke. Here's the real deal: Gwen Stefani was the lead singer of No Doubt. They had some hits, several years ago, like Don't Speak and Hey, Baby. Then she went solo and recorded more stuff, which people generally enjoy and which videos play on the MTV. Seacrest calls her a "singer, songwriter, fashion-icon, actress and, above all, performer." Actress? Okay, a quick IMDB check tells me she played Jean Harlowe in The Aviator, so consider me schooled.

Gwen meets the Idols. She's wearing a cute sweater, shirt, and tie which give her the appearance of a British schoolboy -- if said schoolboy had breasts and wore red lipstick, which some do. Gina, at the front of the crowd, is literally crying at the sight of her. LaKisha, in the back, is like, "Who is this Gwen Stefanopoulos?" Gwen is nervous and excited for the kids because if they suck, it'll be on her head for doing this show in the first place.

Gwen on LaKisha: "I'm actually finding myself sweaty. She really blew me away...I should be asking her for advice, she's amazing." Just don't ask her for hairstyle suggestions, because hair is not LaKisha's strong suit.

LaKisha Jones, wearing a satiny, kimono-ish red dress is singing Last Dance by Donna Summer. She makes an effort to sell it, letting her face emote during the opening parts, cracking a smile as the disco kicks in. That's more than we usually get from her. She even dances around, making a nice change from her history of stand-and-sings. LaKisha has a good voice for this sort of material, although vocally, she's more of a Gloria Gaynor than a Donna Summer. For the most part, she pulls it off.

Judges. Randy says she sang like "a true, fly diva." He thinks it’s the first time she's sung an up-tempo song. Paula says LaKisha did Donna Summer proud. Simon, in a skeevy way, says he lovvvves her boots, then compliments her on the song, the big note at the end, and the vocal.

Interview segment. Seacrest asks Chris Sligh how much down time he has, and how he spends it. "Well, not a lot of down time, but, you know, I like to spend it knitting, crocheting, playing the bongos in my boxer shorts, that kind of thing." Then he really answers the question, but I miss the answer because I'm too busy hopping a jet to the west coast so I can deck him before the show is over. (Note to self: the show is live and you will not make it in time.)

Gwen on Chris: "Chris has a strong voice. The only thing he needs to work on is the tempo 'cause he was definitely off...he really needs to concentrate on the beat of it."

Chris Sligh is singing Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic, by the Police. Oh...what can I say? He's starts off singing from the back of his throat, like a bloated Kermit the Frog. He's out of breath. And yes, he is indeed ahead of the tempo and not by a little bit. This is horrible. I'm a big fan of the Police. They were the first band that I really got into when I was in high school (followed by the B-52s -- and Fred Schneider should totally mentor these kids because what the hell would that be like?). Chris Sligh taints this song like a vocal leper. Ugh. Just plain ugh. He knows it, too, because at the end, he's got an expression on his face that screams, "I really screwed the poodle on that one."

Judges. Randy liked the song choice, but takes Chris to task for being ahead of the song. "Rhythmically, the band was at one tempo and you were always at another...you were way ahead, rushing." This is not a new comment. They've been telling him that since the beginning. Then Randy calls it a train wreck. Paula parrots Randy then tells Chris to "hear that beat." Simon thought it was a mess. When he adds, "I don't think the song suited you," Sligh nods his head pompously, and goes "Hmm," as if he's saying, "You're a fool, Cowell, but it humors me to let you speak." A second later, he whines to Seacrest about how difficult the song is to sing, which, no, it isn't.

Gwen on Gina: "I feel like Gina did a really great job of keeping her voice in control. It was good to see her just stand there and kinda be very emotional." Also, Gina? Crying, crying, crying at the very sight of the Stefani, which is very sweet, as well as revealing. Like I said, Gina is not a rocker/badass in any fashion. She's just a sweet girl who wears black a lot.

Gina Glockson took my advice and is singing a Pretenders song, I'll Stand By You. She stands before the mic, very composed, and just sings the song from her heart -- no faux-anger or rocker posturing, just a wonderful vocal. Having seen the whole show, I can tell you now this is the best performance of the night, and for the first time ever, I was seriously tempted to vote for Gina. The audience gives her a well-deserved standing ovation.

Judges. Randy thought it was one of her best performances ever. "Very nice, very nice!" Paula loves that Gina's improving each week, and liked that the song showed her vulnerablity. Simon says it wasn't one of Gina's best performances (cue: audience boos), "It was your best performance." Gina is visibly moved by this praise. Good on her!

Gwen on Sanjaya. "He kinda forgot some of the words." We see her walking him through the lyrics of his song. "I feel for him. I think it's gonna be really difficult for him. It's a hard song, and he chose it, so good luck to him tonight." She giggles like Sanjaya's suckage is a private joke between her and the rest of us.

Sanjaya Malakar is on stage singing No Doubt's Bathwater. Unless you've been living on Mars, you've seen what he looks like. He's sporting a mohawk composed of a series of ponytails running down the center of his head. Remember when Nadia Turner wore a mohawk and sang Time After Time? The mohawk is nobody's friend. That's all I'm saying. So Sanjaya is doing his usual off-key thing, and he does "kinda" forget some of they lyrics. Sanjaya is nothing if not consistant. Anyway, it doesn't matter. He smiles coquettishly and keeps on keeping on, shaking his bushy hairdo and swinging his girlish hips.

Normally, I'd want to give Sanjaya a swift kick in the chicken nuggets, but this week, things have taken a strange spin. I still think he's the no-talent wonder of the year, but it's starting to look like he knows that as well. What's more, he doesn't care. He doesn't need to. Because somewhere on the road to being the joke of American Idol, Sanjaya managed to find a new path. He's not the joke anymore, the joke is on the show. He can walk onto that stage and sing The Hokey Pokey in pigtails. He'll still get votes, he'll still get media coverage, and he'll still be standing. Like Skynet, Sanjaya has become self-aware, and this can only lead to an apocalypse.

The audience cheers because how can they not? The judges often tell these kids to make the songs their own. Sanjaya has managed to make the very show his own. And now they're stuck with him. I can almost respect that.

Judges. Randy is speechless, but says that Sanjaya can actually sing if he "pulls it out." Keep it in your pants, Malakar. Paula agrees that he should go for it and let his vocals suit his wacky hairdos. "Come on, you can do it," she says. Simon makes a crack about Sanjaya not having a mirror in his dressing room, and Sanjaya cracks back: "You're just jealous because you couldn't pull it off." No, she didn't! Then Simon ties everything up with a neat little bow: "I don't think it matters anymore, what we say...I think you are in your own universe and if people like you, good luck!"

Gwen on Haley. "She started off really great, but then she started doing this other kind of melody which I think is so unnecessary for the song." Gwen Stefani is not kidding.

Haley Scarnato is sitting at the edge of the stage as Cindy Lauper's True Colors begins to play. This is a beautiful song, can we all agree on that? Well, Haley...she's decided that it can be more beautiful, and this can best be achieved by replacing the original notes, keys, and vocal emphasis with random affectations and distracting flourishes. She's not off key all. Nor is she pitchy. It's not even a matter of making the song her own. Haley is just plain singing it wrong.

Judges. Randy wasn't jumping up and down about it. Haley didn't grab him with that performance. Paula says it's a beautiful song that requires nothing more than singing the melody and being vulnerable. Haley did less than neither of those things. Simon says it was "sweet, but forgettable," and that thousands of girls can sing just like that. The audience isn't moaning in protest, which is always a bad sign.

Interview segment. Seacrest asks Phil how it feels to go from being an unknown to a household name in a matter of weeks. Phil says the Idols are so busy that they're unaware of the impact they have on the country, but it's "real exciting." Apparently, they’re not so busy that they forget to have their eyebrows waxed, because Phil is rocking some drag-brows tonight.

Gwen on Phil. "I don't think he needs to do any extra stuff...when he sticks to the melody, it sounds really, really good." We see them in rehearsal, and Gwen is honestly surprised at the sound of Phil's voice.

Phil Stacey is singing Every Breath You Take by the Police. On the surface, it's easy to agree with Gwen's analysis. Objectively, it's good -- but it's also a down-to-the-note mimicry of Sting's original vocal. Every last inflection is a near-perfect match to the Police version. So, it's a hard call. Is this a good performance because all the notes are in place, or is it a bad one because it's unoriginal and uninspired? I don't care much for Phil, so let's go with the latter.

Judges. Randy thought it was a solid performance because Phil didn't "push it" (translation: he didn't shout). Paula babbles in pig latin, but I think she's saying that Phil should put as much effort into the verses as he does into the chorus. Simon thought it was very good, and says it was the only time he felt Phil has taken the competition seriously. As if anybody taking this show seriously even matters anymore.

Gwen on Melinda. "She blew me away...amazing performance, I can't wait to see what she does tonight." We see Gwen telling Melinda that she'd wish her luck, but she doesn't think Melinda will need it that much. Melinda looks at Gwen like the solution to a particularly difficult riddle has been revealed.

Melinda Doolittle is singing Donna Summer's Heaven Knows. This song is a duet, of sorts, but as Gwen will show us tomorrow, when she performs with Akon, duets are in the ear of the beholder. Melinda is flying solo. Her patterned blue dress is suitably retro, and she, unlike Stephanie Edwards a few weeks back, remembers to get her disco on. If Melinda had been a singer in 1978, she'd have been a superstar. She'd probably have been a coke-fiend as well, but you've gotta take the good with the bad.

Judges. Randy: "A pro singer does exactly what you do every week. You look at the words of the song, you interpret the feeling of them. You sing with feeling in the verse and the b-verse and the chorus and the bridge. You actually are living the words...that was the bomb again! " Paula loves when people tell stories when they sing, and says Melinda does it in spades. Simon says that she was outstanding, as usual, but he hated the outfit.

Gwen on Blake. "The melody is really strong and he needs to be really careful about when he chooses to do the beatboxing because that could distract from the melody." Gwen isn't exactly flooring me with these insights tonight, most of which amount to, "That person can really sing!" or "I hope this person doesn't screw it up!"

Blake Lewis is singing The Cure's Love Song. As a ballad. I want to like this more than I actually do -- and usually, when I play Blake's stuff back a second (or third or fourth) time, it grows on me. This version isn't disastrous, and something in Blake's voice vaguely reminds me of Morrissey during his solo years, but vocally, it never grabs me. Anyway, there's no beatboxing tonight, which really wouldn't mesh with the slow pace of the arrangement, but for once I think I might prefer it, if that meant infusing the song with a bit more energy.

Judges. Randy thought it was "a little bit... ehh...you know..." Exactly, Mr. Jackson. Exactly. He adds that Blake made the most of it. Paula loved what he did with the song, saying Blake makes the whole competition hip and cool and contemporary. Speaking of which, next week's show will feature Tony Bennett. Simon calls Blake the strongest guy in the competition, but warns him of becoming too boring. He cites Chris Daughtry as an example, but I'm not sure how wise that is. Chris may have lost the show, but he's far more successful than Taylor Hicks turned out to be. Blake wisely fails to address that.

Gwen on Jordin. "She's cute...she's just refreshing, so I'm excited for her." We see them rehearsing and getting along like the best of friends. I'm convinced that Jordin brings that out in people. Like, it's impossible to not get along with he. After five minutes alone with the girl, you'd tell her all your secrets. The CIA should totally recruit her.

Jordin Sparks is singing No Doubt's Hey, Baby. She's dressed like a funky schoolgirl, which suits the song, but I really feel like she's singing the whole thing in the wrong key. It's just an octave lower than it oughta be. Or something like an octave. A half-step? Whatever, it doesn't sound quite right. She's also pitchy in spots, but that's probably because she's working the stage so much. Jordin lets the backup girls sing the "Hey, baby" part, which bugged me at first, but it allows her to add some color to the chorus, especially at the end, where she brings a little Mariah-like run to the vocal and infuses the performance with some personality. I think that with some more work, this could have be awesome -- but as is, it turned out to be just okay.

Judges. Randy says it was a very, very risky thing to do, but it was brilliant. Paula tells Jordin that she's adorable, hip, and young, and she should celebrate it. Simon says she's the most improved contestant, but calls the performance "a bit copycatish." It's one of the few times Simon and I disagree, so I'll let it slide.

Gwen on Chris R. "I've seen Chris on the show before, and I noticed he likes to do this 'vocal Olympics' thing...but I don't think the song really needs it....I think it will be beautiful if he just focuses on the song and the emotion."

Chris Richardson is daring to sing No Doubt's Don't Speak. He's standing in one place, which helps the usual pitchy-ness of his voice, and honestly, despite the negative remark Simon is about to throw him, this isn't bad -- for Chris. He's shaky in spots, but by the end, he's belting it out in the Timberlake style they once praised him for. He's not overdoing the runs and he's not changing the song in any major way, nor is it a copycat vocal. Yeah, this, no doubt, is Chris's best performance so far.

Judges. Randy liked the R&B flavor, but wasn't sure it was his best vocal. He advises him to "just believe." Paula oozes (possibly literally). "You're good, Chris, you're good. Just gooood." I take a hot shower on Chris's behalf. The audience's applause is scattered during the praise, which makes me wonder what they actually heard in person. They don't seem very supportive. Simon liked the arrangement, but thinks Chris struggled, and needs to pay a lot more attention to his vocals. What's shocking is that criticism could and should have been applied to every one of Chris's performances prior to this one -- but not to this one. This might be the beginning of the official phase-out of Chris Richardson, since Blake is a safer bet, and a more viable commodity to the show.

And that's another one wrapped. Seacrest throws out the numbers, thanks the band, and reminds us that tomorrow, Gwen Stefani will perform as one more contestant is sent packing.

Does anyone really think it will be Sanjaya?
--Frank