Diana Ross Night (3/13)
Stop! In the name of all that's holy.
by Frank PittareseWith as much gravitas as his little body can muster, Seacrest voiceovers a rundown of the many world wonders this show has bestowed upon humanity. Over here, Kelly Clarkson wins a Grammy. Over there, Chris Daughtry's album tops the Billboard charts. Carrie Underwood wins some country stuff. Yee-haw. Fantasia Barrino takes the stage on Broadway, following in the footsteps of such well-trained thespians as Rosie O'Donnell and Joey Fatone. Then there's that Hudson chick everybody is talking about. What of Clay Aiken? Wherefore art thou, Ruben Studdard? Season Two's secret shame remains a mystery for now. Tonight 12 more sorry souls will attempt to take fame by the balls. This is American Idol. Like it or lump it.
Seacrest takes the stage and basically tells us that starting tonight, the show means business. We've got a relatively massive audience, a big band (who demonstrate that, yes, their instruments are indeed functioning), backup singers, the works. Three months from now, after all the excess characters have been killed off, the sole survivor will take the stage and fight Jason Voorhees. Or they just win the show. Something like that.
The Top Twelve are introduced, scurrying across the stage in the order in which they'll sing. I'd tell you now, buy why spoil the fun? The judges receive their intro. They're sitting at their front-of-the-audience dais, which is a scary place to be. I'd wanna sit as far away from that nutty mob as possible. Randy thinks the girls are ahead and will do better. Paula says the guys are ready to come into their own. Simon says this stage can make 'em or break 'em.
Then Seacrest rolls the Diana Ross Clip Reel. She's this week's celebrity mentor, and while I was hoping she'd arrive with a basket full of crazy, she's relatively sedate, as we'll soon see. Anyway, for those who've never heard of Diana Ross, she sang a lot of popular songs, starting in the '60s, won a bunch of awards and shit, and is a big diva-icon. Sometime in the mid-1980s, she dressed as a boy and called herself Michael Jackson. For more information, see Dreamgirls, except I'm not saying it's actually about Diana Ross or the Supremes, so nobody sue me, please and thanks. Tonight, she's here to throw down some education.
Diana Ross arrives, her hair as big as a rain forest, while the kids are rehearsing Stop! In the Name of Love. Could that be tomorrow's Group Sing? I can only hope. They're all crowded on one side of the piano, and Diana Ross enters and stands on opposite side. I'm thrilled for a moment, expecting lots of "Don't touch the diva" moments, but alas, we're quickly treated to shots of Diana Ross receiving each competitor and giving them individual hugs. I'm sure she broke out the Purell afterwards.
"I have one thing to say," she tells the group. "I am not a critic. I feel like I am your trusting voice. And hopefully, the supporting voice." The kids all smile, thrilled to be standing in the presence of greatness, but Blake, Melinda, and Stephanie look ready to explode from the excitement of it all. Diana Ross wants them to have a successful career past this train wreck of a show, and is ready to impart her wisdom upon the lot of them. "I want very much for them to leave here and have a life that is fulfilling for them." Because this show? Not fulfilling.
Brandon Rogers says Diana Ross is "the star to which a lot of stars are compared to." For example, you might say Joe Pesci's performance in My Cousin Vinny is comparable to Diana Ross's performance in Lady Sings the Blues. Go and discuss. Meanwhile, Brandon will be singing You Can't Hurry Love. Diana Ross tells him to calm his nerves by going to his center. Failing that, down some scotch. Whatever works.
Brandon's performance is ordinary and uninspired, but it must have sounded great in rehearsals, because otherwise it makes no sense for him to open the show. He sounds like a regular guy, singing a song. Nothing special. And there's dancing, of a sort. That's okay, until he completely forgets the lyrics. So he just sings absolutely nothing for about three seconds, then smiles broadly, and hurry's love before his nerves completely overtake him. The audience applauds, including Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz from Fox's Bones, which...who watches that show? Anybody?
Judges. Randy says Brandon reverted back to a background singer and was boring. But he liked the last two notes of the song. Heh. Paula calls Brandon on his nerves, adding that she doesn't need to tell him what he did wrong -- there are many things that he did right. Like embarrass himself on national TV? Simon calls the performance a letdown. "You came over as a background singer for a background singer."
Interview segment: Melinda. These segments are always important when it comes to gameplay, usually going to favored contestants. They're taking viewer questions this year. Melinda's question is "What do you consider the hardest part of this contest?" She answers that it's the high heels and the dresses. "I like my tennis shoes and my sweatpants."
Seacrest turns to Cowell for advice. "Simon, any advice on the high heels?"
"You should know, Ryan."
"Stay out of my closet."
"Come out."
"This is about the Top 12, okay? Not your wishes."
I made up none of this.
So...
Melinda Doolittle meets Diana Ross, explaining that she's a huge fan. Then she practices her song, which is Home, from the queer and underrated film, The Wiz. Diana Ross tells Melinda that when Melinda sings, Diana Ross gets goosebumps. Melinda's eyes go wide, and it looks like her face might fall off.
What can I say about her performance? Yet again, she's taken a dull song and turned it into something riveting and powerful and an all-around pleasure to hear. Melinda...it's like she was born to do this. I can say nothing bad about her.
Judges. Randy: "For that performance, I give the girls 'one,' the boys 'zero.' That was hot, baby." Paula is a wreck. She's crying...no, she's bawling...and blubbering about feeling joy and being one big goosebump. Simon is in hysterics over this. He can't even get his words out. Finally, he composes himself enough to say that Melinda reminds him of a young Gladys Knight, which is exactly what I thought, minus the "young" part, when I first watched this performance. The audience roars.
Chris Sligh shakes the hand of Diana Ross and points out that they have the same hair. See, he's so cool that he doesn't get starstruck. He tells her he'll be singing Endless Love, but unfortunately for him, he has drastically changed the arrangement. Diana Ross is not pleased. She reminds him that the song is about emotion, and that he needs to find the melody in there.
So Hurley from Lost takes the stage, except it's Chris without his glasses. Then, to prove he knows better, he sings Endless Love to the tune of Coldplay's Speed of Sound. And no, I'm not making that up, either. Go find it on YouTube. The performance is a hot mess. The music is doing one thing, Chris is doing another, trying desperately to show us he's hipper than this show. He's not even vaguely in touch with the melody. Vocally, I guess he sounds fine, but the whole thing is so disjointed that I can't even focus on him.
Judges. Randy didn't like the arrangement, and does actually call it a mess. Paula worries that Chris is trying "ultra hard to be ultra hip." He should just let the melody play and sing the song. Simon says Chris turned a beautiful song into a "complete and utter drone." He also advises him to keep his glasses on.
Gina Glocksen will sing Love Child. Diana Ross informs Gina that "because there's so many words, you must pronunciate everything." Gina won't do that till Simon goes back to British. Then, awesomely, Diana Ross essentially tells Gina not to sing like a mushmouth and demonstrates by singing like a mushmouth.
Gina comes out and does what she does: sings like she'll stick you with a shiv unless you give her your cigarette rations. She's not untalented, but there's always this tough, angry tone to her performances. Combined with the aggressive body language and shouting...I don't enjoy it.
Judges. Randy said it was pitchy in spots, he didn't feel any excitement, and he found it kinda boring. Paula says it's a "feel good song" (um...Paula, it's about a bastard child, born in poverty, who lives in a tenement and dresses in rags), but Gina is better than she was tonight. Then she calls Gina on the enunciation thing, which she wouldn't have done without Diana Ross opening that particular door. Simon says it was a forgettable. "A middle-pack performance."
Sanjaya Malakar will grace us next, with his own brand of entertainment. "Sanjaya, to me, is love," says Diana Ross, in a line that I'm totally sure wasn't scripted for her in advance. He practices Ain't No Mountain High Enough with all the enthusiasm of Tom Sawyer having to whitewash a fence. Diana Ross stops his caterwauling, tells him he's gonna need to be "point on," and, uh oh, instructs him to move around when he sings.
So Sanjaya steps out and...what is this creation? He's gotten a mad perm since we saw him last week and now appears to be wearing the scalp of Justin Guarini. Ya know, Sanjaya can probably sing well -- alone in the shower, or while riding his trike to Hula University. But in public? On TV? Um, no. To cover the awful awfulness of his voice, Sanjaya "moves around" by doing the pee-pee dance at various points of the stage. In the wide shot, there are whole sections of people, right in front, who are just sitting there like corpses. Others stand and clap along, just politely, their faces blank.
Judges. Randy wants to know what is goin' down. "What is really goin' down, dawg?" He doesn't even know what to say. "Thank God for the background singers, because that song was almost unlistenable." Paula says Sanjaya is "the sweetest soul," but needs to grab the audience, explode with his vocals, and just go. Yes, go. Simon says Diana Ross will freak when she hears Sanjaya's performance. "When you hear a wail in Beverly Hills, that is where Diana Ross is watching the show." Then, in an effort to be positive, he tells Sanjaya, "You're very brave. I'll give you that." Ha!!
Seacrest has to explain to Sanjaya (and probably to most of America) that Simon said "wail" and not "whale," although it would be pretty funny if Diana Ross thought Cowell called her a gigantic sea mammal.
Interview segment: Haley. Haley?!? I have a theory about this, but give me a minute. Her question is "Where is the craziest place you ever sang." Haley uses a thousand words to tell us her answer, which is here on the Idol stage.
Haley Scarnato will sing Missing You, and she tests it out in front of Diana Ross, who issues the backhanded compliment that Haley "has a recording studio voice, as opposed to a live studio projection." So don’t sing in front of people, Haley. Ever. But she will. Sadly, she will.
If you read these recaps, you know I like Haley. She's been given a bum rap on this show, and it isn't deserved. But this performance...holy moley. It's pitchy as hell and off key in several places. Haley forgets the lyrics, then half-asses the big notes. More than once, she sounds like she's in pain. So, so terrible. Why didn't you sing Upside Down, Haley? Or Touch Me in the Morning. You'd have killed on that one. If you make it to next week you must call me to discuss your song choice. Also, please don't ever again perform while wearing your grandmother's nightdress from 1925. It's unsettling.
Judges. Randy, gently: "You already know what I'm gonna say, right?" Which is that she gave it a valiant effort, but she sounded nervous and pitchy. Paula says forgetting the words is never a great thing to do, and "your pitch...ay-yi-yi." Simon didn't think it was that bad. He who?!? He very kindly says Haley had presence, that she looked like a star, and that if she can hold it together, she can do better than he expected. He was very impressed and he liked it.
Okay, what gives?
Here's my theory on this situation. Till tonight, it was pretty clear that The Show (which to me, usually means the Nigel Lythgoe/Simon Cowell pairing) really wanted Haley gone. But either due to her popularity or the judges abuse or both, the votes were there. Haley had enough support to survive the semi-finals. Also, with the LaKisha/Melinda/Jordin trio leading the girls pack, and Gina alone in her "rocker" box, there's one key role they need to keep cast: the middle of the road, Average White Girl. The Katherine McPhee. The Kelly Clarkson. I'm not saying Haley is in their league, but she represents a particular demographic, and now, for better or worse, The Show is getting behind her. So she gets an interview segment and an uncharacteristically kind review from Cowell. That's what this is all about.
Anyway, the support keeps flowing, as Haley admits that she messed up the words and she feels "like such a schmuck." Paula says half the time the audience doesn't know you've messed up. "So never let them see anything." They vote for Sanjaya, they're feckin' idiots. Even though this is three flavors of bullshit, I support Haley, so if she can Sympathy Vote her way to next week, I'm all for it.
Phil Stacey practices I'm Gonna Make You Love Me with Diana Ross. She says he brings back memories of Marvin Gaye, and advises Phil to look at the audience when he sings (in case his father is out there, waiting to shoot him).
Ugh. Like every week since the dawn of time, Phil starts the song and it's terrible. His lower register sucks and it's a struggle as he builds to the vocal transition to the chorus. Of course, when he gets there and he's able to shout, he sounds fine. But the majority of this performance is a headache.
Judges. Randy thought the performance was boring, but the vocals were hot. Whatever, Randy. Paula says it should have been more up-tempo, because that's the angle she's working this evening. First Love Child, then this. Good thing nobody's singing My Name is Luka tonight. Simon disagrees with Paula, because she's koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs. He says the tempo was right and the performance was okay. He also wants Phil to control the shouting.
LaKisha Jones meets Diana Ross, and the first thing out of Diana Ross's mouth is, "What does your momma call you?" Huh. That's a little odd, but I like it. Maybe I'll start asking that when I'm introduced to people. LaKisha says her momma calls her Kiki. I went to high school with a girl named Kiki, and I hated her like poison throughout freshman year, but by senior year, she turned out to be pretty cool. I even had her sign my yearbook. Aren't you glad you asked?
LaKisha works out the arrangement on God Bless the Child, then asks Diana Ross if she should sing with a mic stand. Diana Ross says yes. She also advises LaKisha to wear "something long and simple" and not come out wearing a Halloween poncho and hooker shoes, like she did a couple of weeks ago.
Half of that advice makes to to the stage. LaKisha is wearing a simple, shiny white gown, but the mic stand ain't happenin'. Her arms got to swing free. Her performance is typical LaKisha: powerful and professional. Less shouty than usual because this song doesn't call for it much. I wish she's stop straightening her hair, though. It looks shitty, and I totally think she could rock a bigger do (or even a shorter one, in the style of Frenchie Davis). Something extreme would give her more visual impact and character.
Judges. Randy says it was an unbelievable vocal. "That was sensational." Paula says LaKisha's heart comes through when she sings. Better that than her lower intestine. Simon again brings up the Melinda/LaKisha two-woman competition again, and calls LaKisha outstanding.
Interview segment: Blake. Blake is wearing a suit jacket over a checkered sweater over a white shirt and tie. The sweater of the collar is turned up, the suit collar is down, and he's wearing shiny white shoes. He looks like a fugitive from Wonkaville. His question: "What type of music do you listen to in your spare time?" Blake likes hip-hop, electronic music, the common market...and a bunch of stuff I never heard of (is "the mob law" a type of music, a band, or a legal drama on CBS?).
Blake Lewis meets Diana Ross. His hair is unspiked and hanging in bangs across his forehead, completely robbing him of his hipster edge. He'll wanna watch that, especially after that horrific "Johnny Walker Blue" episode. He explains how, using his computer (they let them have computers?!?), he messed around with the arrangement of You Keep Me Hangin' On, which he then performs for Herself. She nods politely and says she looks forward to hearing it on the show. Don't kill him with compliments, Diana Ross.
Spikey-haired Blake moonwalks and dances around like he has sexy ants in his fancy pants and there ain't nuthin' he can do about it. When I first saw this, I thought it sounded wrong. Kim Wilde modernized this song in the '80s and it kicked ass, but Blake's version sounded like mid-tempo Europop. Listening to it again, it isn't bad. His voice and energy manage, barely, to overcome the synthy arrangement. I think this is an instance where, if it were on the radio and I heard it a few times, it might grow on me. The core of the song is still the same, so it's inherently catchy for starters. I still can't get a fix on Blake's personality, though.
Judges. Randy didn't think the song needed to be "Blake-ized," and he can sometimes let the classics be the classics. Paula basically thinks Blake did a better job of modernizing his song than Chris Sligh did (because Chris Sligh is an arrogant sphincter). She says he's a good singer. Simon didn't get it, although he understands why Blake did it. Um...because they've pretty much been directing him to it for the last few weeks? "You didn't sound as good as we've heard you previously."
Stephanie Edwards will be singing Love Hangover. Diana Ross approves of this, but she wants the song to sound sexy, on account of it's a porno song. Diana Ross thinks Stephanie Edwards has star quality.
On stage, Steph's wearing a cute little patterned dress that looks like suitably disco-ish. Again, she sounds okay, but I can't relate to her at all. I get no sense of personality from the girl. And she's not bringing sexy back, like Diana Ross told her to. As for the arrangement, Stephanie always sounds like she's about to break into the up-tempo disco part of the song --and Paula's waiting for it, standing up at the judges' dais and bopping along merrily--but the party never comes. Stephanie don't want the cure for this and she don't want the disco dance.
Judges. Randy says she forget the words, but I didn't catch it. He also didn't think it was her best vocal, and questions the lack of disco. Paula wants to know what happened to the dance break, too. Stephanie says there was no time. "Strive for better," Paula says. Simon says that Stephanie basically sang an intro and that she chose the wrong song. I don't think Stephanie is long for this competition. She's talented, certainly, but she's a bad fit.
Chris Richardson meets and greets Diana Ross, and he's starstruck by her. She says he shouldn't be, that she's no different from him, except she's older. And world famous. And filthy rich. And a living legend. And a little bit crazy. Sometimes (and allegedly). He'll be singing The Boss, by which I think he means Bruce Springsteen, and I'm like, wha?!? Then I hear the song and recognize it, except I always thought it was called Love, Joy, Peace except those words aren't even part of the lyric (it's actually "Love taught me..."). What the hell do I know about Diana Ross? I grew up listening to the Beatles.
Chris rehearses before Diana Ross, who looks like she'd eat him up with a spoon after spraying some whipped cream on top of his fuzzy head. She tells him to work the room (and then come to hers afterward).
On stage, he's all energy and bopping and...again...not singing very well. I wish I could put Blake's voice in Chris's body. Then again, if I were a mad scientist, I'd get up to far worse hijinks than that. He's all smiles, and works the crowd like he was told, jumping onto the mini-stage behind the judges. His voice is all kinds of off-key. It's a shame, really. But the crowd goes crazy for him.
Judges. Randy thinks he overdid it, especially with the runs. It was half good and half bad for him. Paula thinks that of all the guys, Chris did the best job of making the music sound contemporary. Then she references Dan Hartman's Instant Replay, which is a great song, but is irrelevant to this performance except that it might be a good song for Chris R. to sing someday. Simon says that, listening to the vocals separate from Chris's charm and personality, it was a terrible performance. Ouch. Also, true.
Jordin Sparks is the final contestant to share the same oxygen as Diana Ross, if indeed Diana Ross breathes oxygen -- or even breathes. She might be beyond that now. She's singing If We Hold On Together, from the talking dinosaur film The Land Before Time. Diana Ross wants Jordin to project to the audience and believe the words of the song, but not necessarily in talking dinosaurs.
Jordin starts the song sitting on the floor, so you know she's being sincere. Hey, it worked for McPhee last season. Her voice is lovely and she really manages to sell it, despite the Disneyness of this song. By the time she stands up, and the song is venturing into Somewhere Out There territory, Jordin seems to be having some trouble hanging onto the vocal, but only a bit. In the end, she's absolutely worthy of the night's closing spot.
Judges. Randy says that the two girl LaKisha/Melinda race is over. Now it's a three-girl race. Way to instill confidence in the other three, Jackson. Paula wasn't familiar with the song, but it doesn't matter because she was drawn in right away. Simon says the song was "a little bit gooey," but thought it was a very, very good vocal. Jordin has a shot at the finals.
Seacrest runs down the numbers and clips, then we return for the final line-up. He's moving around a lot, so nobody really gets the honor of the pimp spot behind his little head, although Sanjaya, Stephanie, and Haley come closest.
Tomorrow, Diana Ross sings live before stealing your very souls, and one of the contestants gets voted back into obscurity. I hope it's Chris Sligh or Sanjaya. It's probably Haley or Stephanie.
I need to start voting!
--Frank
