American Idol Recap: Semi-finals Conclusion (3/8)

Shock and awww, no they didn't...

by Frank Pittarese

"At stake are the 12 places in the final group." And one recapper's sanity. Seacrest is all dolled up for a photo shoot at Sears. "In sight is the biggest prize in the music industry." Because Grammy schmammy. "This is American Idol. "

Post-credits and we're in full-on Group Sing. Tonight's unfortunate victim is Stealers Wheel's Stuck in the Middle, because this show is all about being current and what better way to prove it than by having the contestants sing a song from 1973. Almost everybody gets a solo line or two, even when they're broken up into groups, like the Melinda, Blake, and Stephanie's Gang of Wee Folk. Blake looks sexy, despite the enormous, clown-like white cuffs on his black shirt. Stephanie looks like she's had a long night. When his solo comes up, Phil gets right up in my business, leaning into the camera and whining "Pleeeeasse," over and over. Yes, please back the hell up. I still don't think Chris R. can really sing, but he has the mutant power of making me not care. Somebody cranks up Sabrina's mic to drown out Sanjaya. Thank you, somebody. Antonella sings like she will cut you. Is Sundance intentionally trying to irriate me? He sways and carries on like Taylor Hicks's conjoined twin. Then it's mercifully over.

Seacrest promises results, "that important Idol announcement" which, as it turns out, is not the songwriting competition, and a live performance by Carrie "Time for a Bathroom Break" Underwood. He points to the 12 empty chairs which will soon be filled with twelve relieved asses, then introduces the judges. Yep, there they are. This is followed by the performance recaps.

Guys: Blake Lewis sang an obsure song from the distant past. Who were the ancient people called 311? I think they wore animal skins and rode mammoths. Chris Richardson turned a Keith Urban song into spoken word, which ultimately was a good thing. Phil Stacey planted pods all over the studio, and when everyone woke up the next morning, they were somehow... different. Jared styled his look after the fathers of TV Land, and boldly sang a Stevie song. Bad, Jared! Some girl named Sanjaya walked on stage a night early. She sang Waiting on the World to Change, but didn't do too well, as she was distracted by thoughts of ponies, rainbows, and her fabulous new hairstyle. Sundance sang Pearl Jam's Jeremy. Four words is all he gets from me. Brandon Rogers thought he was in the touring company of Jesus Christ, Superstar with a funky, but Broadway-modern take on I Just Want to Celebrate. Chris Sligh played the Christian rock card, which I much fear will guarantee him a measure of success in this competition.

Girls: Jordin Sparks could barely hang on to Heartbreaker, but the judges lurved her. Gina Glocksen wore the rocker chick uniform the judges bought for her. Stephanie Edwards sounded too adult contemporary for my tastes. Sabrina Sloan looked fantastic, as always, although her performance was sharp and piercing, as always. Haley Scarnato sang about her heart having wings, which would have been the only way she could fly away from the judges' venomous hatred. Antonella was tuneless and dull, then got bitchy when handed a sympathy card from Simon. LaKisha Jones sang Whitney well, and Melinda Doolittle's performance of I'm a Woman provoked Simon into calling her a "little tiger."

Wasting no time, Seacrest gets down to results. He calls forth LaKisha and Blake. "One of you will work with Diana Ross next week. The other is in the top 12." They're both safe. Also, Diana Ross, already? I'd save that slice of crazy till sweeps month.

Chris Sligh is next. "The votes are in..." But he has to wait till after the break to learn his fate. It's okay, Christians, he's safe. He joins the other two on those chairs that look like urinals.

Jordin Sparks is safe.

Phil, wearing another weird-ass giant hat, is safe.

Jared is called down. America voted. Bitch is going home.

Judges. Paula tells him he's won fans and to continue to dream. Simon says to work on the vocals. Randy says Jared needs originality. Jared looks peeved. I don't think he saw this coming at all. He's made to sing If You Really Loved Me again, and I really want him to say, "Goodnight, motherf**kers!" when he's done, but alas, he's well-behaved.

Melinda and Brandon are up next. "Do you think there's room for two backup singers in the top 12?" Hell's yeah. They're both safe.

Chris R. and Gina come up holding hands. Seacrest wants to know if they get along, and if so, "how along do you get?" Ryan, I'm sure if you ask nicely, Chris will let you hold his hand, too. Both Chris and Gina are safe.

With six contestants still waiting to hear their results, it's time for the big Carrie Underwood clip- and performance-fest. Remember when Carrie was on the show? Remember when she sang that song? And that other song? Then she won and recorded some stuff which was popular with the country folk. She's on stage tonight and she's singing something else I'm sure they'll like. I fall asleep while she's on and -- what? She's done? Aw, I missed it. Gosh-darn.

After the break, Antonella and Stephanie step up. Stephanie is known for dressing like a lady and singing songs that are pleasing to the ear. Antonella is best known for getting her tits out and singing like she's falling down the stairs. Antonella, it's time to break out that digi-cam again. You're going home.

Antonella says she'll have great memories of being on the show. Like the time she embarrassed her whole family with the photo of her sitting on the toilet? I love that memory!

She sings her song again. Badly. Again. In fairness, she's emotional, and we can see that she hears herself missing notes and screwing up the lyrics, but she forges ahead.

The judges say nothing about Antonella, who will no doubt move on to bigger and better things, like blogging on MySpace.

Haley and Sabrina are up next. After the way the judges tore her apart at every turn, Haley knows what's coming. Sabrina is already crying. Does she honestly think she's going home? Guess what, peeps? Sabrina is going home. Haley is staying!

Shocked faces all around. Paula looks like she could fall right over. The girls cry and hug. Randy says Sabrina should be in the top 12 and that America got it wrong.

While Sabrina sings herself out, I wanna say this: The judges (or The Show, if you rather) wanted Haley gone. They made her cry and feel crappy about herself. They pushed and pushed and pushed too hard. In the end, what could have been a successful viewer manipulation came around and bit 'em on the ass, because they pushed the audience right into sympathy vote territory. Good for Haley, I say. If she's going to get booted, it should happen because of her talent, and not because she doesn't fit whatever cockamamie vision of an "American Idol" this show wants.

As for Sabrina, she's good, and yes, she should absolutely be in the Final 12. Using Simon's accurate "black girl" competition spread, it's clear that LaKisha and Melinda were never going anywhere. That leaves Stephanie and Sabrina. They're basically of the same value: talented, attractive singers, both of whom were Never Seens before the Hollywood round. So...six of one, half dozen of the other...the votes split between the two girls. If it hadn't been Sabrina leaving, it would have been Stephanie, I'm sure. The good thing for Stephanie is that her most direct competitor has now been eliminated. That might buy her a few extra weeks. But tough luck for Sabrina, because she deserved better. And tough luck for Haley, too, because even this moment, which should be a happy one, is tainted by the fact that she's unwanted.

Before the final set of eliminations, Seacrest has shit to say. First of all, tonight is American Idol's 200th episode! I know, right? It feels like only yesterday I was changing this show's diapers and feeding it strained carrots. Then he announces the big "special project" which is not the songwriting competition. Speaking of which, has that been quietly laid to rest? Because we haven't heard anything about it since the first weeks of the season. Follow-up, people. Follow-up.

This project is called "Idol Gives Back," and unfortunately it doesn't involve refunding money to everyone who bought Taylor Hicks' CD. It's all about raising money for the poverty-stricken in Africa and here in the States. Simon and Seacrest took a trip to Africa to meet some kids, and the footage is very sweet and touching. The children are adorable, and the whole thing is moving, which it should be. But the tinkly-tinkle of the piano playing underneath it all acts as a signal to me that The Show is up to it's old hijinks. FEEL SAD, it's saying. CRY FOR ME. I'm sorry that the little kids are starving, but I want to see who's going getting eliminated!

Randy says he'll be visiting New Orleans, and Paula mentions going to the Mississippi. Hurricane Katrina, you understand. Then Seacrest announces two Idol shows in April with an "inspirational songs" theme. Sponsors will donate money for every viewer vote, yadda, yadda. Quincy Jones is writing a special song for what will then be the Top Six. Borat will make an appearance, because nothing lends credibility to noble causes like a fictional character who offends as many people as he entertains. (I'm among the latter, so don't start with me.). Other guest-stars include: Gwen Stefani and Pink (aren't they the same person?), Josh Groban and Michael Buble (come on, they are the same person), and Annie Lennox and Bono. Frickin' Bono. Why not just get Susan Sarandon and that yappy husband of hers to show up and pontificate?

Anyway, Seacrest carries on like this is Live Aid. I was around for Live Aid, kid. This show ain't it.

Finally, after a lifetime of this show congratulating itself for good deeds yet to be done, the final two contestants take the stage: Sanjaya and Sundance. This was my nightmare Final Two, so I’m thrilled that either one is going home. My first hope is that it's Sanjaya, but then I realize that if Sundance makes it in, we'll never get rid of him. Like Hicks, he could Red State his way to the win. Sanjaya might have the teenybopper vote, but he doesn't have the chops for this competition. He's this year's Kevin Covais. Three...maybe five weeks, and he's gone. It's better if he stays.

So Sanjaya and Sundance stand side by side. "After the nationwide vote, Sundance, you are not in the top 12."

Sundance smiles and thanks everyone graciously. Paula stands there like she's at a funeral. Simon has a look on his face that says, "The viewers are idiots." Again, though, this is a case of the show's antics backfiring. They force-fed the viewers Sundance so intensely that we rejected him. All the spotlight moments, the praise, the shots of him crying...it was too much. America felt that push and they pushed back -- by voting for other people.

Paula says she's speechless. "This is a singing competition, and Sundance, you've been one of our finest." Then she says, "No disrespect to Sanjaya or anything here...it's mind-boggling." Except she's totally disrespecting them because she's saying that at least one of them should be out so Sundance could be in. But nertz to that. He's leaving!

He performs another round of Jeremy before we go to the Goodbye Reel of auditions, performances, and happy moments of the four losers whose names we'll forget before this season even ends.

And here's our Final 12...

Guys: Blake Lewis, Chris Richardson, Phil Stacey, Chris Sligh, Sanjaya Malakar, and Brandon Rogers.

Girls: Jordin Sparks, Stephanie Edwards, Haley Scarnato, Melinda Doolittle, Gina Glocksen, and LaKisha Jones.

Twelve contestants. Eleven weeks to go...
--Frank