American Idol Recap: Semi-finals Round Three: Girls (3/7)

In which a winner is declared -- by me.

by Frank Pittarese

"Eight contestants. Thirty-one million viewers. One last chance." Also, one host, dressed like a beatnik in a black blazer and turtleneck sweater. "The drama is about to begin," Seacrest announces, "And we don't have Paula right now. We'll find her, right?" Uh oh. How will they proceed without her harsh, but constructive critiques? "This is American Idol! "

Post-credits mug shots: Jordin looks fresh and bubbly. Sabrina is dressed way too classy for this show. Oh, look, Antonella is still with us. Haley is wearing red, so the blood won't show when the judges tear into her later tonight. Stephanie passes by to remind us that she still exists. LaKisha is sporting Sanjaya's hairstyle from yesterday. Gina came dressed as a heroin addict. Melinda makes me smile just by showing up. I heart her.

The judges are introduced and Paula is in place. Simon and Randy joke that she was under the desk. At first I think, "passed out," and then I get it. Dirty! Seacrest freaks. "It's a family show!" He's so innocent.

It looks like the "what you don't know about me/my big secret" angle has been dropped for the girls. The general theme tonight is...random boring stuff.

Jordin Sparks says football is a huge part of her life. Her dad is some big football muckity-muck, if I recall correctly. "There was a time in my life when I wanted to play football," she says with a smile, "And it was up there with singing, but not quite."

She sings Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker. The arrangement is a little fast, and the song, I think, is too big for Jordin, who seems barely able to hold on to it. I think if the song had been paced normally, instead of being time-compressed to fit the 1.5-minute slot, Jordin would have kicked its ass. Anyway, despite being pitchy in places, she does well on the chorus. Doesn't matter. She's one of the better girls, she's very likeable, and she'll make Final 12.

Judges. Randy says it’s a different show when the girls perform. Jordin's song was dope and better than all the boys last night. Paula thinks Jordin will be around for a long, long time. "You were like exploding, coming into your own artistry." Simon thought it was a bit maniac and shrieky in the middle, but thinks Jordin will one hundred percent be there next week.

Sabrina Sloan, when she was in high school, wanted to be the next Katie Couric. I'm sure she doesn't mean that she wanted to be the most relentlessly perky and annoying personality on television today. I think she's just saying that she wanted to be a reporter. We see an old video clip of Sabrina, hosting her high school's TV news show. She had an entirely different head back then.

Sabrina performs Don't Let Go by En Vogue. She's good, but should really work on her volume technique. Her voice goes to an unpleasant piercing place whenever she tries belting the big notes. Again, we've got Final 12 material here, although not necessarily a winner.

Judges. Randy thought it was a solid performance, but wasn't sure he loved the song. Paula says Sabrina can sing, sing, sing and that her voice "pierces through," which...isn't that a problem? Simon says her performance lacks the emotion he sees from her "main competitors," meaning the other black girls, who he names individually. He says she needs to inject personality into her performance.

Antonella Barba has been playing the violin since she was four years old. She hasn't had time to practice since she's been in college. I know what she means. When I had to study for my Posing For Slutty Photos finals, I couldn't play the drums for weeks.

She sings Corinne Bailey Rae's Put Your Records On. I don't know this song, but it sounds like something Macy Gray should record. Antonella, though...she is out of her league in this competition. Her voice pops in and out of tune like a vocal game of Whack-a-Mole. And I'm sorry, but standing there and looking pretty just doesn't cut it anymore. If you can't bring it, don't sing it.

Judges. Randy thinks Antonella is a better singer than she's shown thus far. Good song choice, but just an okay performance. Paula offers very constructive criticism: watch out for the bottom notes, she's better in the higher range, etc. Simon says Antonella has gone as far as she can go. He says she's surrounded by some pretty amazing singers and her voice isn't getting better.

Then Simon tears down the wall this show has built up around Our Little Skank and addresses Antonella's scandal-of-the-month as nicely as possible. "I feel for you, 'cause you've taken a lot of stick in the media. I think you've handled yourself well throughout, and I don't think anyone should be put in that situation." He just wishes she could sing better.

When Seacrest takes the stage, Antonella, always the height of class, snots back, "I'm not gonna doubt the talent I'm surrounded by...but I don't try to be like them and they don't try to be like me." I think, why would they? Simon says, "No, they wouldn't." I give him credit for at least attempting to be nice, but if she sticks around, I won't blame Simon if he tries to make her cry every week. The girl is a crude little runt. If Antonella had the vaguest clue as to how to play this game, she'd walk through the door Simon generously opened, play the pity card, then thank the judges and promise to do better. She could coast another three weeks on that alone.

Anyway...

Haley Scarnato was a gymnast as child. Then her body gave out. Her shoulders got dislocated and her arms fell off. Then Oscar Goldman had to build her new ones, which cost a fortune, and she was stuck working for the OSI to pay it off. When Bionic Bigfoot showed up, the ratings plummeted, and thus, she came to American Idol.

Haley sings Faith Hill's If My Heart Had Wings. She's gotten more grief, I feel, than most of the girls so far, and it's only vaguely justified when she's compared to the majority of the other girls. As compared to the guys, she's out-ranks most of them, including the much-loved Phil and the overrated Sundance and Chris Sligh. Haley is pretty, engaging, has a friendly personality and a nice voice. Sure, it's a little Broadway. This song she's singing now could easily be from the second act of The Lion King. But people are carrying on like she's Regan McNeil on exorcism night. It just bugs me. So tonight, Haley sounds fine...in that modern Broadway way. She just not the next American Idol is all.

Judges. Randy thought it was an interesting song choice. The performance was cool and "pretty much in tune," but it had no pizzazz to it. No "yo," he says. Again, if "pizzazz" is an issue, this was better than Sanjaya, Sundance, Phil, Antonella, and Jared. She was more in tune than Jordin was, and less desperate than Gina will soon be. This is nonsense. Paula says, regarding the song, "It may not be our favorite song, but you sang it well." So now it's not even about the quality of the performance, but the song choice in and of itself. I really don't understand why this girl has become such a target. Simon thought it was a ghastly high school musical performance, then claims that he doesn't even remember Haley's name. Ugh. To think I loved him last night.

Stephanie Edwards has been singing since she was three years old, but she was shy and used to run and hide if anyone came into the room. Then she'd kill them and hide their corpses in her closet. Eventually, she turned their remains into jelly, which she sold as Auntie Steph's Family Jam. Now, she's on American Idol.

She sings Chaka Khan's Sweet Thing. Two things about Stephanie. One is that, while I like her, she's highly forgettable. When she's on stage, she's perfectly entertaining and sings like a pro. When she's out of sight, she's out of mind. That's not good. The other thing is that I can't shake this whole Natalie Cole vibe she's giving out. Not that Stephanie sounds exactly like Cole (although I'd love to see her take on Pink Cadillac), but rather that her style leans towards adult contemporary. I can imagine my mother listening to her. That's really not what this show is about. Allegedly.

Judges. Randy gives her an 'A' for effort, but chastises her for taking on the Great Chaka. So Idolers, along with Stevie, Mariah, Celine, and Whitney, don't touch the weave of Chaka Khan. "I can't quite get with it." Paula thought Stephanie was darn near flawless. Simon says she's one of the best and can sing her way into the Final 12.

LaKisha Jones is terrified of animals. If she goes into someone's house and they've got pets, she advises them to put the animal away or she'll climb up on their table. And nobody wants that. Tables are expensive.

Uh oh. LaKisha is taking on Whitney Houston's I Have Nothing. Hasn't she been watching this show she's been on? This song is a lot like that one from Dreamgirls, but with less shouting. "I'm not going," says one. "Don't walk away from me," says the other. Same deal. This girl is an excellent belter, and she really shines when the song reaches those emotional moments. Her family goes nuts in the audience. Curiously, the row in which they sit is suddenly full of plus-sized girls. Are you messing around again, Show?

MIND YOUR BUSINESS. THE SEATING ARRANGEMENTS ARE NONE OF YOUR AFFAIR.

Okay, Show. Whatever.

ALSO, VOTE FOR SUNDANCE.

Frack off, Show. I'm recapping here.

I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAINS.

Judges. LaKisha must've had a "Get Away With Singing Whitney for Free" card. Randy says, "Another great performance by the great LaKisha," Paula says LaKisha is going to work on being the next Idol. Simon likes the passion, talent, and believability she brought to her performance. Then he tells her she looks beautiful in her outfit, after practically calling her ghetto trash last week.

Gina Glocksen relies on lucky charms. Not the children's cereal, but actual objects of dark magick which she keeps on or near her person. She carries around a troll figurine, a stuffed pickle, and always travels with a pillow from her niece and nephews that has their cute little photo printed on it. She also wears the shrunken head of her sixth grade teacher around her neck, a bracelet made of George Washington's wooden teeth on her wrist, and has borrowed Paul Kim's dirty underwear, just to be safe.

Gina sings Call Me When Your Sober by Evanescence. This is...okay. I can see that Gina is enjoying herself. Gone is the fancy dress and the illusion that she's anything but Joan Jett Lite, but I just feel like she's forcing the issue. She's trying too hard to prove...something. That she's hardcore? A badass? A "real" rocker? I don't know. I also think that she needs to grow into her voice. It's not as tough as it should be to pull of a song like this, but then again, I don't think Gina is as tough as she should be to pull off an image like this. At least I don't hate her anymore, so if she sticks around (and she probably will), that's not a bad thing.

Judges. Randy says that finally, finally the real Gina comes out tonight. "This is who I always thought that you were." In other words, you're back in the box we put you in. Stay there. Paula says this is "more or less" who she imagined Gina to be. Box? Meet Gina. She'll be living here forever. Simon really hopes she makes it through because she's a breath of fresh air, and hopes the song wasn't too extreme for the audience. Well, that was reasonable!

Melinda Doolittle has an even-Steven version of OCD. If she steps on a crack with one foot, she has to step on a crack with the other foot. If she touches something cold with one hand, she has to match it on the other side. How does she wipe her butt? It's right in the middle.

So little Melinda sings Peggy Lee's I'm a Woman. What can I tell you, folks? She is fierce. She freakin' buys this song, owns it, and slaps everyone in the face with it till they beg for more. Just give her the crown now.

Judges. Randy says Melinda is a consummate pro. "You got it goin' on!" Paula says she's brilliant on stage. "You're fantastic!" Simon loves her personality, loves her talent, and says "a million percent, we're gonna see you next week."

And that's the end of the semi-final round, in which the girls consistently kicked the boys arses. After tomorrow night, I'll finally let myself vote. No predictions this time around, though. I'm running late and have already seen the Results Show. It's a doozy!

In 24, we'll have 12...
--Frank