American Idol: Semi-finals round two: results (3/1)

We love you, you suck, get out.

by Frank Pittarese

Everybody is crowded on stage, like they're lined up for execution. Chris Sligh is expressionless. Sanjaya Malakar assaults me with his giant smile, and Antonella poses as pretty as she can, because that's what she does best. "The girls ripped it up, and the guys threw it down," Seacrest gibberishes. "Four more cuts must be made...who is out? This is American Idol. "

Post-credits, Seacrest tells us that Kellie Pickler will sing tonight. Can't wait for that. He says the show received over 32 million calls last night. Then it's time for the clip real, recapping the last two nights. Here's how that went:

Guys: Chris Sligh was Saved by a Woman, which will probably save him from elimination. Phil Stacey wasn't Missing You at all, but he was missing his fellow grays, who watched the show from Uranus. The Other Chris dedicated Geek in the Pink to his grandmother, which touched her deeply, I'm sure. Sundance Head sang better than he has in weeks, not that it matters, because The Show is keeping him here, regardless. Keep reading and you'll see what I mean. Nick Pedro was shockingly outed as a heterosexual, then sang Fever in as manly a manner as he could muster. Blake was not the droid I was looking for, when he beatboxed through a Jamiroquai song. A.J. Tabaldo was Feelin' Good and super, thanks for asking. Sanjaya was Steppin' Out, but unfortunately, not into the path of oncoming traffic. Brandon Rogers sang us a lullaby and loves his grandma. And Jared Cotter sang like he's sexier than he actually is, but it was enough to give Paula the vapors.

Girls: Gina Glocksen shouted a Heart song in her best prom dress. LaKisha Jones was in good voice, but Simon disliked her K-Mart Special outfit. Leslie Hunt was also Feelin' Good, but her scatting left me feelin' bad -- for her. Jordin Sparks sang poorly and cried, but the judges were forgiving. Stephanie Sloan baffled me with a Beyonce non-song. Alaina sang a Dixie Chicks tune like she was hanging upside down from the monkey bars. Antonella wore the right outfit for the wrong song, and then got snotty with Simon after he told her how awful she was. Sabrina Sloan did Whitney, which earned her a slap on the wrist. Haley Scarnato sang at least as poorly as Jordin, and she cried too, but the judges spit on her and called her a whore. Then Simon threw a rock at her head while Randy pelted her with spit balls. Paula released the hounds and there was blood everywhere. Finally, Melinda Doolittle was five hundred kinds of awesome, even while singing that stupid Valentine song I loathe.

Wasting no time, we launch right into tonight's Group Sing, in which the Top 20 sing Joy to the World. It isn't as God-awful as last week's production number. Notable moments: Sundance gets to open the song, because (VOTE FOR SUNDANCE). Huh? Did I just hear the voice of American Idol? Smiley Chris Richardson is a tasty treat, but his voice is waaay too thin for this number. A.J. gets to sing the line, "You know I love the ladies," which is hi-larious! LaKisha looks preoccupied, but she's wearing a cute little outfit from 1987. These numbers should sound better after we lose a few more people, Antonella.

The guys are up for the first round of eliminations. Seacrest has each one stand up, and after recapping last night's judges' comments, we find out his fate.

Phil, who the judges loved, is safe. Chris Sligh, another success story, is safe. Sundance's rendition of Mustang Sally saved his fat ass this week. Blake, who Randy thought was "dope," is safe. Whew! Jared Cotter is made to stand up and join Ryan at the podium. I smell hijinks. He sang Let's Get It On and reminded Simon of a cabaret singer on The Love Boat. America voted, and he's safe. See? Hijinks. Nick Pedro is asked to stand up and--get the hell out. I called it yesterday. He's going home.

Judges. Randy tells Nick to "keep that whole Sinatra vibe goin' on." Simon says Nick lacked charisma, although he's not a bad singer. Paula is glad that, after opting out of the competition last year, Nick opted in this year.

Nick sings Fever again. It's a dull as yesterday, but Nick does have a pretty good voice, and for the first time I realize that he's not bad looking, either. He's bringing a bit more to the song tonight...moving around the stage and actually trying to perform. He forgets the lyrics at one point and just starts laughing, because what difference does it make? He thanks us sweetly. Cut to Sundance, crying his eyes out, because (VOTE FOR SUNDANCE). What? Did somebody say something? Oh, yeah, Nick thanks us and says goodbye.

After the break, the girls are seated for their first elimination, while the boys wait upstairs in the Red Room. Jordin says she's nervous, but Leslie looks apt to shit a brick. Seacrest plays the game, same as before. Each girl stands to hear her result.

Stephanie, enjoyed by the judges, was enjoyed by America, too. She's safe. Gina, who confused Simon by not dressing like the rocker chick he wants her to be, is safe. Sabrina had a big voice, and will be back next week for more. Melinda stands, I get nervous, but she's safe. Alaina stands and, with no fanfare, is told she's leaving us tonight. I figured as much.

Seacrest recaps that Randy said her performance was a mess, and Simon said she ran out of steam. At that, Alaina deadeyes Simon and says, "Clever." Spoken like a true wiseass. I give her props for that. She says she's okay, thanks everybody for voting, tells the remaining girls to sing their butts off -- especially LaKisha. (No, not really.)

Alaina sings Not Ready to Make Nice again. Well, she starts singing it, but she can't even get her words out, for all the crying she's doing. "Oh, God," she says, "Sorry." She calls the other girls over for hugs and kisses, while the background singers handle the actual business of singing. Cut to Sundance, crying and clapping as he (VOTE FOR SUNDANCE). Is somebody speaking to me? Alaina pulls herself together and starts singing. No sooner does she do so than we cut to Sundance, still crying and (VOTE FOR SUNDANCE). Hmm...I feel like there's something I should be doing. What can it be? Alaina's face is a waterfall of tears and snot. She forges ahead. The girls sing along. Sundance, we see, is wiping the tears from his eyes because (VOTE FOR SUNDANCE). It's a very emotional moment for all the contestants...especially Sundance. Why does he seem so important to me right now? He must be a contestant to watch out for!

At the halfway point, there's more hoo-ha about this dumb text-messaging trivia contest. Seacrest introduces last week's winner, "just to show that it works," and we see some character from Deliverance sitting in the audience. This week's question is as retarded as last week's so I'll give it no play here, although part of me would love to enter and win, then write a recap of the live show, including whatever bits happen during the commercials. But no. Let's just share that fantasy between the two of us right now.

Next, Seacrest introduces Kellie Pickler, who has apparently used her newfound fame to buy herself a stylish haircut, a scandalously low-cut blue dress, and, oh yeah, some big ol' fake titties. Seriously, they're almost as big as her head. There's some nonsensical banter about Kellie trying sushi, because that joke never got tired, then Ryan asks her if she's spent her money on anything.

"Yeah, shoes," Kellie says.

"Just shoes? Hmm...okay," but only a handful of people laugh because they're too dense to realize he's talking about her ginormous new boobies. And Kellie, of course, hasn't a clue, either.

Then she sings some country song which I fast forward through.

The guys are back for the next elimination round. Chris Richardson stands, but looks like he could fall over at any second. The judges were full of Chris love last night, though, and he's safe. Brandon is next. He bored Randy and me, sorta, but he's safe, too. That leaves A.J. and Sanjaya. This is already looking bad. We already know Sanjaya was in the top four last week, and unless his shithole performance has totally alienated his teenybopper fanbase, he's safe. Still, I find myself hoping that A.J.'s super-energetic performance and overall likeability stole those votes away from the sucky Sanjaya. But hope is all I got. A.J. is going home.

Sanjaya actually looks shocked, and freely admits that he thought his number was up. Paula reacts. "Truthfully, this is a singing competition. I don't think tonight reflects that." That's true, to a degree, but it's also about popularity, airtime, and the random, insanely passionate fanbases that some contestants garner, which often make it impossible to maintain a level playing field. Case in point: Taylor Hicks.

A.J. gets to sing Feelin' Good again. He doesn't break down, like Alaina. But you know who is breaking down? Sundance Head. Because there he is, in close-up, again, crying his eyes out and (VOTE FOR SUNDANCE). This is a damn shame, because vocally, A.J. sounds a million times better than Sanjaya. You know what else sounds better than Sanjaya? When you stick your hand in your armpit, then flap your arm up and down, making that farty noise. In other news, A.J. wraps up the song most wonderfully, and we get another close-up of crybaby Sundance standing on the balcony, where (VOTE FOR SUNDANCE). I really feel for Sundance. Someone that sensitive is surely deserving of a vote or three. Hmm...maybe after he performs next week, I'll...

Time is running out, so after the break, Seacrest gets right down to business. LaKisha stands, and she's safe. Haley stands, and she's safe. That's a huge achievement because The Show so very desperately wants her gone. Good for Haley! Antonella, Leslie, and Jordin are made to stand together. "America voted. Antonella, I'm sorry...you're gonna have to deal with Simon again." That Ryan and his fakeouts! Leslie and Jordin stand side by side. Leslie isn't stupid. She's going home.

Gina Glocksen bursts into tears. It seems the two girls grew to be pals, which makes sense, based on what little we've seen of them. Simon doesn't necessarily think the right people are going home tonight. He and Paula remind people to vote for the contestants they like.

After a clip reel of the Farewell Four (auditions, Hollywood, performances, etc.), Leslie sings for the last time. Gina is losing her mind. Her face is just sopping wet with tears. I get it that she'll miss her friend, but it's not like Leslie is going to the gas chamber. The girls join her on stage as she belts out the end of Feelin' Good, a song which is now forever jinxed on this show.

Leslie, in her final moment, shows us some personality -- which might've kept her around longer -- when she ad-libs the lyrics, "Why did I decide to scat/America don't care for jazz." We lost two of the liveliest contestants this week. Bummer.

Next week, don't miss your chance to eliminate Antonella, Sanjaya, or Sundance (VOTE FOR--). Shut up, voice of American Idol. I ain't gonna fall for your shenanigans!

Hmm...I wonder what Sundance is doing right now...?

Vote for me,
--Frank