American Idol: Semi-finals round two: guys (2/27)

Songs in the key of zzzzzz.

by Frank Pittarese

"Every week, the pressure increases. Every night, the performances count for more. Every vote is vital. The guys are back, and this time, it's personal." I don't know what the hell Seacrest is talking about. Is he saying that if I don't vote for Sanjaya, Sanjaya will come to my house and rough me up? Because I can take him. "This is American Idol. "

The guys are lined up on the staircase, and Seacrest rushes past them, doling out high-fives. Then he takes center stage and sends out "a huge congratulations to our very own Jennifer Hudson." On Sunday, Jennifer won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for her role in Dreamgirls. Back when she was an Idol contestant, Simon essentially called her a talentless fat lump who was out of her league and who shouldn't be in the competition. Seacrest continues, "When a contestant wins an award...it really validates the caliber of talent our judges discover." And the talent they belittle and abuse, as well. Let's be honest, Ryan.

Next, the guys are introduced and quickly mug for the camera. The notable faces are Phil Stacey, who is looking more and more like one of those gray aliens from Unsolved Mysteries, Sanjaya Malakar, a poor-man's Michael Jackson impersonator, with a fedora pulled down over his eyes, and Blake Lewis, in an annoying sideways newsboy cap.

Judges. Randy wants the boys to be a lot better than last week. "Come on, boys. Come on!" Paula thinks they should just have fun. "You guys are celebrities now." Temporarily, at least. Simon has nothing to say after Seacrest mocks him, calling him a "worldwide" celeb. "He's huge," Ryan jokes.

The theme this week is that the contestants will dedicate their performances to the people who inspired them. The secondary theme of the week is deciding whose Tale of Inspiration is the most manipulative, desperate, or both.

Phil Stacey is dedicating his performance to Navy Band South East. Although Phil was originally introduced as the guy who auditioned while his wife was giving birth, the show has been slowly recasting him as this season's patriot. Last week, it was revealed that he's in the Navy, and now we see footage of Phil in uniform, singing on stage with other sailors, which I'm sure is paramount to maintaining naval security. He even drops the 9/11 bomb, saying that's what got him to join the military. Thus, he will be in the Final 12.

Phil is singing John Waite's Missing You, a fine song from the 1980s. Did you know that after a long absence, John Waite just released a new single? It's an updated version of Missing You. That guy has really come a long way. Anyway, Phil, to me, sounds average. Nothing to get excited about. As he did last week, he gets better at the end, when he belts out the chorus, but generally, this is a lot of whatever with a dash of so-so.

Judges. Randy says it was hot and that Phil showed his power. Paula says she can hear Phil right now, on the radio. Paula also has deep conversations with her toothbrush, so I wouldn't put much stock in her comments. Simon says Phil is very popular and a nice guy with a completely unoriginal voice. He's still not hearing anything unique. The lemmings in the audience boo, but Cowell is exactly right.

Jared Cotter is dedicating his performance to his parents. He says his mom woke him up on the day of the audition, telling him to get his butt up and go. So he did, or else he woulda got a strap across his bony ass.

He sings Let's Get it On, which is a fine song to dedicate to one's parents. May I also suggest I Touch Myself by the Divinyls? Musique's Push, Push in the Bush is also nice, although perhaps best reserved for a grandparent or an elderly aunt. Jared sounds...pretty good. He's no Marvin Gaye, but he puts a lot of spirit into his performance, and he looks sharp in his suit and bright-n-new white sneakers. He gets a standing ovation from the audience.

Judges. Randy thought it was a little pitchy in spots, but he kinda liked it. Paula thinks Jared is a good looking guy, and says it's the kind of song he doesn't have to push, no pun intended. Simon says the performance reminded him of The Love Boat, if it a cabaret singer. Meanwhile, half of the people watching this show turn to each other and ask, "What's a love boat?"

Then Seacrest comes out, and with a straight face, says, "And the things we've all done to that song! Memories, huh?" Ryan, this song isn't about the time you and your girlfriends braided each other's hair. And it's not about when Olivia Newton-John came to your house and you sang Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee. It's about grown-up stuff. Now go touch up your highlights.

A.J. Tabaldo is next. He's also dedicating his performance to his parents, who were with him at all his auditions and taught him to never give up.

He's singing Feelin' Good by either the Pussycat Dolls, Nina Simone or Michael Buble. I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and say it's the Pussycat Dolls version. That's just how A.J. rolls. I like this kid, but his voice isn't the strongest of the boys and it just gets lost in this song, which has a slow-n-sexy vibe to it. He's too much of a Mouseketeer to pull it off effectively, although he performs it as if he should be wearing a feather boa.

Judges. Randy says that A.J. proved he has skills. "Kinda nice!" Paula, having misplaced her thesaurus, says A.J. has a real, real, real, real, real, real good voice. Simon says "that was actually nearly very good." He likes that A.J. showed some personality. "You looked strangely comfortable doing that." I'll say.

Sanjaya Malakar dedicates his performance to his grandfather -- not his sister, as I'd expected. They were close, he died when Sanjaya was five, and Sanjaya wears his wedding ring to give him "confidence and support from a higher place." He should also ask for talent and fashion sense.

Oh, where to begin? Sanjaya, as I mentioned, is wearing a fedora pulled down over his eyes, and he's singing Irving Berlin's Steppin' Out With My Baby. With the feminine quality of this voice and his...er...gentle way of moving about the stage, it's like watching Julie Andrews in Victor/Victoria, where she played a woman impersonating a man impersonating a woman. Sanjaya is boring and listless. He's not singing at all, just sing-songing, and half-heartedly "dancing" along. He's terrible, and honestly one of the worst performers I've seen in the history of this show. He's so bad, I wish the judges would replace him on the spot. Seriously, just cut him off in mid-song and put his sister on stage. Or a block of wood. Even that would be an improvement.

Judges. Randy says this was really weird for him. "It was like a bad high school talent show...this was not good." Paula says Sanjaya sang on pitch (lie!) and that he has an old soul, but that he should pick songs that celebrate his youth. Also, pick songs that don't involve singing. Simon nails it by essentially saying Sanjaya was like a child playing dress-up. "It came over as very weak, a little weird, and made absolutely no impact."

Sanjaya says he wanted to celebrate "the great years of music...the classics." Then, apropos of nothing, he repeats that he's dedicating the song to his dead grandfather, which in no way should be interpreted as a manipulation on his part to garner more votes. Seacrest comes out and is very supportive, as he should be, but I'd completely excuse him if he pushed this kid off the stage right now.

Chris Sligh and Seacrest trade hair tips (I'm not even kidding) before Chris explains that he's dedicating his song to his wife Sarah. She's very pretty, and Chris even jokes that "most people have no idea how in the world (he) ever coerced her to marry (him)." It's all very sweet.

Chris sings another obscure song, the slow and soulful Saved By a Woman by Ray LaMontagne. I'm not a huge Chris fan. I think he often tries too hard to be a character, and the show seems desperate to paint him as "the funny guy," but he sings this song well. It's nice to listen to, and if I had to sum up his performance in one word, I'd say it was professional.

Judges. Randy says this was even better than last week, because Chris has such a big voice. Paula was touched by Chris dedicating the song to his wife, then advises him to watch his pitch a little bit. Then she calls him "real awesome." Simon tells Chris that tonight he was a very good singer.

Nick Pedro is dedicating his performance to his girlfriend. Nick is straight? Huh. Anyway, they've been together for awhile, she's supportive and fun to be around, and she's in the audience tonight. Singing her a song "is the ultimate Valentine." I suspect she'd prefer an engagement ring, but it's really none of my business.

He's singing...er...Peggy Lee's Fever. Excuse me? What is with the song choices tonight? Watching this the first time, I thought it was pretty boring. Watching it again as I recap, it's...still boring. But I can see that Nick is trying to make it his own. He's replacing the sexy and steamy aspects of the song with a smooth and jazzy vibe. I guess it's the only way to go if you're a guy determined to sing this while still retaining a shred of masculine dignity. A quick shot of the judges reveals Simon is snapping his fingers to the beat of the song. The world has gone topsy-turvy.

Judges. Randy likes that Nick has returned to his crooner place (he sang Fly Me to the Moon at auditions). "That's the Nick that we love. That's the one we fell in love with." In other words, "Now that you're back in your box, stay there." Paula loves the tone of his voice and says Nick should go for it. Simon thought it was good, but thought Nick lacked charisma. "I think you should've dressed more accordingly. It looks...like you've come straight from the office." It's true. He has this "business casual" thing going on, and if he's going to be this year's Vegas-crooner, he should dress slicker...maybe even wear a tie. He'll never win, but he could John Stevens his way to the halfway point.

When Ryan gives out Nick's numbers, Nick suddenly yells out, "Vote for Pedro!" And I know it's stupid, but I thought that was all kinds of cute. If I were voting, I'd throw him a call for that alone. But I make it a point to abstain until the real competition starts, even if that means I might lose Blake or Melissa and gain a Sanjaya or a Sundance. This is me, living on the edge.

Blake Lewis and his stupid hat are dedicating their performance to the Lewis parents. Blake's dad has given him a strong work ethic. His mom, a singer and guitarist, gave him all his talent. I could make an inappropriate remark about what I can give him, but I'm above that sort of thing.

Blake sings Jamiroquai's Virtual Insanity, which had a cool video, back in the day, but which I can't sing two words of because I don't think I've ever actually listened to the song. He sounds good, although for me, he's not as enjoyable as last week when he sang a straightforward pop song. That's more my thing than this, which is all sorts of funky, and which Blake injects with a scat/beat-boxing section, right in the middle. The boy can work the room, though. He moves around the stage like a pro and, stupid hat inclusive, has dressed for the song. Nice voice, too.

Judges. Randy likes it that Blake is "returning to form," including the beat-boxing. Like Nick, they want him to stay in his box. Paula says Blake is unique -- that there's no one else like him in this competition. I guess she's forgotten about Chris, but more on him in a minute. Simon says Blake did a "copycat performance," sounding just like Jamiroquai, although he liked the beat-boxing part, which was unique. This causes all sorts of yip-yap on the panel, with Randy and Paula disagreeing, as they often do. They carry on to the point where Simon half-jokingly apologizes for having an opinion. It's pretty annoying, the way they never let him speak -- especially since he's usually right. I'm too distracted by the tattoos on Blake's arms to even care.

Then Ryan asks Blake about the scatting. Blake says "they're vocal entendres...whatever...vocal scratching...vocal turntableism." Look out, Oxford English Dictionary -- Blake Lewis is on the loose! Then Seacrest gives it shot, "Beyoop, ooop, fwoop." Heh. Funny Seacrest.

Brandon Rogers will dedicate his song to his grandmother, who is currently dead. When she was alive, she wanted Brandon to bloom. He loves her and wants her to rest in peace.

Brandon sings Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time in a very low-key, sedate manner. I suppose it's better than Nadia Turner's frantic rendition of this song a few seasons ago, when she ran amok while sporting a giant faux-hawk, but Brandon mega-ballads it to the point where the song has become a lullaby. And why is he smiling so much? It's distracting. He sounds okay, although I find that I have to really focus to separate his voice from the background singers. They're doing their own thing back there, and often lead my ears to a state of confusion. I'm not floored by this performance. It's a snoozer. But he's inoffensive, so he should be safe.

Judges. Randy liked the sentiment to Brandon's grandma, but doesn't think the song showed "what Brandon's got." He thought it was boring. Brandon explains that he was trying to "feel the song" and put his heart into it, to give it to us. He doesn't think it needed "a whole lot of extra." Uh...thanks? Paula says she felt Brandon's heart, and that he doesn't have to oversing. No, Paula, but he does have to entertain. Simon, keeping it real, as always, says he loves grandmas, but it's a singing competition. Brandon, he says, has to come out there and "make a wow impact."

After Seacrest comes out, Brandon wishes his dad, who's sitting in the audience, a happy birthday. Then he says he hopes America likes what he did. Simon has had his fill. "By the way, my mum's birthday is in November," he snarks. "Happy Birthday, Mum, in six months time...and I love puppies." Awesome! I love it when this show gets called out on its own crap, no matter who's doing it.

Chris Richardson is dedicating his song to his grandma (a.k.a. his "Big Momma"). I guess I shouldn't get annoyed at how dull these dedications are. I mean, it's not like I expect someone to come out and dedicate their performance to the memory of Anna Nichole Smith. But this is quickly turning into Queen for a Day. Whoever has the best dedication/sob story gets the most votes. That's not a knock against Chris at all. I dig him. Anyway, his grandma isn't dead. She's alive, spunky, and opinionated. "I'm dedicating everything I got in this performance to her."

So, with that in mind, Chris is dedicating Jason Mraz's Geek in the Pink to her. I love this song. It's my favorite on Mraz's 'Mr. A-Z' album. But the lyrics ("I could be the one to take you home/Baby, we could rock the night alone") aren't exactly grandma-friendly. Well, at least Chris doesn't sing the line that refers to dildos. His performance is as energetic as last week's, with the same sort of knee-bopping dance moves, which only serve to make his voice shaky. I dunno...I enjoy this kid, but vocally, he hasn't impressed me. He's more style and personality than actual skill. There are some solid moments here, but not many. The room loves him, that's for sure.

Judges. Randy says Chris performance was hotter than the original, which is entirely incorrect. "I'm lovin' you tonight!" Paula wants to know if Grandma knows "what 'Geek in Pink' is." Chris explains that Big Momma loves dancing, so he had to perform something upbeat. Simon says Chris was the best tonight, by a mile. Let me think about that for a second...I guess that's close to true. Chris and Blake were of equal value for me tonight, so they'd take the top spot together. I think the problem is that they're too similar for both to last the length of the competition. Both guys appeal to the same demographic, which could create a voting split. Remove one, and the other guy absorbs those votes. Although Blake is a better singer (I think), the judges are more supportive of Chris because he's Timberlake-marketable (and consistantly sexy, without being annoying). It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.

Sundance Head is next. God, they really want us to vote for him. First, he's given a ridiculous amount of airplay, then, despite all the suckage, he survives cut after cut, making it to the Top 24. Now, we find out he's dedicating his song to his infant son, Levi. Cut to: several photos of the wee one. Cue: soft, manipulative guitar music. Cut to: Sundance crying because he hasn't seen his son smile yet. As if that isn't enough, he gets the pimp spot of the evening, closing out the show.

Sundance sings Wilson Pickett's Mustang Sally. He's shouty, but he's nowhere near as stiff as he's been lately, and works the stage accordingly. There's even some personality creeping through. Objectively, I have to say this isn't a bad performance, but he'll never get a vote from me, unless he's in the Final Two against Sanjaya in a show broadcast from the deepest pit of Hell.

Judges. Randy loves the bluesy, soulful thing Sundance did with his voice. "You dropped the bomb on it tonight!" Sundance suddenly thanks America for keeping him around another week. (Manipulation!) Paula didn't know he had range like that. "You're awesome." Simon is glad they got the Sundance back that they saw in auditions, but thinks he still can do better. I'd rather he did worse, so he can go home and stop bothering me.

The ever-manly "Don't Call Me Sweetheart" Seacrest tickles Sundance's goatee as he gives out his numbers. "That's so strawy," he says. Sundance admits to putting hairspray in it. What has this show become?

As we close out the night, Seacrest says that he loves watching the guys dance. Ya know, at this point, Ryan is just doing my job for me. He reminds us to vote for our favorites as Jared, Chris, and Paul hang face behind him. The girls will perform tomorrow, with results on Thursday. Then Seacrest throws a promotional hello to his "friend" Jeff Foxworthy, who's sitting in the audience because his game show, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? is airing next. I watched it, and my answer is "just barely." Also, it would've been nice if they used real fifth graders and not bullshit kiddie actors, like the girl who was on The Sarah Silverman Program last week (and who has appeared on Dexter and The Ghost Whisperer). I have zero tolerance for fake game shows, so eff you Jeff Foxworthy and your Millionaire ripoff.

On that cranky note, I'm out!
--Frank