American Idol: Semi-finals round one: results (2/22)

Farewell to the first forgettable four.

by Frank Pittarese

This one will be short. It might even be sweet, depending on who goes home. "The votes are in, America, and time is up for two girls and two guys tonight. The cuts, coming to you live. This is American Idol. "

Seacrest is wearing a dark, fitted suit tonight, looking like he's off to host The Twilight Zone after this. Why bother? Between Paula, Sundance, and at least half a dozen others, there's plenty of weirdness to go around.

"We had almost 32 million votes," he says, before introducing the judges. Randy talks about how this is the girls' race to lose and how the guys weren't that good. Simon saw two or three guys with potential. "Bring it on!" Paula shouts. "You only have this way to go," she adds, pointing up. Methinks Paula hath been imbibing spirits.

Seacrest then mentions how, every season, the show enlists a series of superstars to help the contestants with their weekly performances. In the past, we've seen the likes of Barry Manilow, Rod Stewart, and Kenny Rogers, and others on the cutting edge of what's happening in pop music today.

Scheduled to appear this season are Miss Diana Ross, Jon Bon Jovi, Jennifer Lopez, Gwen Stefani, Tony Bennett, Martina McBride, Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees, and for British Invasion Night, Lulu (best known for To Sir, With Love) and Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits. At least some of those people aren't on Medicare, so I guess we're making progress.

Then we get a recap of the last two nights of performances, which went something like this:

The boys ranged from mediocre to horrible, except for Blake Lewis and Chris Sligh. Chris and Simon got into a thing when Chris made a crack about the Teletubbies. Blake forced me to watch his performance at least six times since Tuesday, after I taped it so I'd have it forever, and I refuse to discuss it further until he calls me. Sundance Head turned into a werewolf, right on stage. Paul Kim didn't wear shoes and sung like his ass was in his mouth. A.J. Tabaldo was a one-man Gay Pride event. Sanjaya Malakar was boring and creepy and made me want to shake him down for his lunch money. Rudy Cardenas wore a target on his t-shirt and, just to make sure the shirt would be ironic, sung the ridiculous Free Ride. Also, some other guys sang.

The girls learned from the boy's mistakes. Well, the black girls did. Stephanie Edwards fell to her knees like the Godmother of Soul, flooring everybody. LaKisha Jones told us she's not going and the judges wholeheartedly agreed. Melinda Doolittle made me love her all the more with her excellent rendition of Since You've Been Gone. Sabrina Sloan also did Aretha, and was pretty frickin' amazing. Jordin Sparks showed Tracy Chapman how to sing Gimme One Reason and do it right. Meanwhile, Antonella Barba suffered a brain aneurysm on live TV, Nicole Tranquilo tried for Chaka Khan but proved Chaka Khant, and Alaina Alexander had so much Brass in Pocket that she had to leave her talent at home. Also, some other girls sang.

Post-recap, we get our first Group Sing of the season. Tonight, it's Sowing the Seeds of Love by Tears for Fears. The boys start on the stairs. The girls are singing in the Red Room. Everybody gets a line or two of solo material, and it only gets truly bad when they try to harmonize because with twenty-four people...no, it's just not gonna happen. There's some goofball choreography that involves everyone raising their arms and snapping their fingers in unison, like they want their check right now, dammit. Ultimately, this sounds like that old Coke commercial where the hippies sang I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing before they went off to kill Sharon Tate.

Post-commercials, the boys are seated in preparation for the first cut. Nick isn't nervous, he's petrified. Chris is worried that last night's exchange with Simon seemed disrespectful. "America, I love Simon." Seacrest calls forth the front row of boys to line up beside him. From left to right, it goes a little something like this:

Brandon, Sundance, Chris, Nick, Blake, and Paul.

Brandon is safe. Sundance, who sucked, is safe. Chris and his glassy eyes are safe. Nick, one of the weaker links, is safe. Blake...oh, God...please. It's okay, Blake is safe. Not that I care. I'm just reporting the facts. That leaves Paul Kim, and he's going home.

The judges give some lip service to how he has a good voice, he sings Careless Whisper again, and he is out.

Then it's the girls' turn. Seacrest calls forth the back row. The girls line up as follows:

Jordin, Stephanie, Sabrina, Leslie, Melinda, and Antonella.

Jordin is safe. Stephanie, who, being a Never Seen, might get cut, is safe. Sabrina, another Never Seen, is safe. Leslie could easily go, after her shaky performance last night. She's safe, too. That leaves Melinda and Antonella. I was literally afraid to look at the TV at this point. Antonella got a lot of play, and Melinda's votes could easily have been aborbed by LaKisha. But it's okay, Melinda is safe. Whew! That leaves Antonella, who is... safe?!? Huh. Go figure.

Then Seacrest casually calls Amy Krebs, who is seated, over to join him. She walks over there, like "What's up, Ry?" and Seacrest totally cuts her on the spot.

Simon says she didn't stand out, and Amy sings I Can't Make You Love Me again. Nope, she sure can't. Girlfriend is out.

After the break, and some nonsense about a contest where you can win a trip to the show if you spend a buck to text-answer a trivia question, Fantasia Barrino takes the stage. She won Idol in Season Three, and tonight she's here to sing, as well as promote her appearance in the Broadway musical version of The Color Purple. Quincy Jones, one of the play's producers, is in the audience, and he has this to say: "The Color Purple is about The Color Purple. " (Really, it's just a false start, and he gets cut off by Ryan, but it still makes me laugh.) Anyway, Fantasia sings some song, and I'm sure she sings it well, but I'm not a fan.

Then, the girls are up again. This batch includes:

Haley, Gina, Nicole, Alaina, and LaKisha.

Haley and her show tune voice are safe. LaKisha is obviously safe. Gina, who I'd be happy to see leave, but who was better than some others last night, is safe. That leaves Nicole and Alaina. Nicole gets the boot.

She says loved meeting everybody and making such great friends, then sings Chaka Khan's Stay again, the irony being that she can't. That is the end of Nicole.

The final line-up of boys are:

Chris, Jerrod, Sanjaya, Rudy, A.J., and Phil.

Chris is safe. Phil is also safe. Jerrod, a Never Seen, is safe. Little A.J., whom I enjoy, is safe for now. That leaves Sanjaya and Rudy. Seacrest says that one of them is in the top four boys (!) and the other is out of the competition. Rudy gets cut. Whoa...that means Sanjaya is one of the four most popular, meaning he'll probably make Final 12. Not good, people, not good at all.

Seacrest jokes with Rudy about the bullseye he wore on his chest last night. Simon says you can't turn an okay singer into a great singer. Randy advises Rudy to work on getting better. Paula really wants him to know that he's fantastic.

Before Paul sings, there's a short Goodbye Clip sequence. We see the Farewell Four at auditions, getting their golden tickets, performing during Hollywood Week, etc., all to the tune of Home, by our very own Chris Daughtry. The lyric goes "Be careful what you wish for/cause you just might get it all...I'm going home," so it's pretty likely that this'll replace last year's Had a Bad Day outro song.

Anyway, the first night of cuts are over. Goodbye, Rudy Cardenas and your awkward dancing. So long, Nicole Tranquillo and your unfunky white self. Ta-ta, Amy Krebs and your Napoleon Dynamite face. And toodle-loo, Paul Kim and your dirty feet. I'll remember you all for the next twenty-four hours, I promise.

Next week, another four go home.

See ya then,
--Frank