American Idol: Semi-finals round one (2/21)

In which the girls kick the boys' untalented arses.

by Frank Pittarese

"Once again, the eyes of America are trained on just twelve people," says Seacrest, the Great and Powerful. They're also watching Britney Spears and the corpse of Anna Nichole Smith. Doesn't he have a TV? "Once more, the votes of America can change their lives. Tonight, the girls take the stage. This is American Idol. "

Seacrest rushes down the stairs where the girls are lined up all in a row. He compliments them on their jewelry and their highlights--but don't call him "sweetheart" because he's so manly. Then, wasting no time, he recaps last night. In short, the guys mostly sucked, with the notable exceptions of Blake Lewis and Chris Sligh.

Next, he introduces the girls, who take turns mugging for the camera. Watching them pass, it goes something like this: Who? Who? Who? Who? Jersey Girl Antonella. Jordin Sparks. Who? Charlie's Angels Girl. Melinda Doolittle. Dentist Girl. Gina Glocksen. LaKisha Jones. Mind you, that's a month of audition footage, and a week of Hollywood, resulting in five semi-finalists we've never seen perform.

Seacrest greets the judges, asking Randy what the deal is where they tell the contestants to take a risk, then when they do it, the judges say it was too risky. I'll bet you Ryan was the kind of kid who went around telling everyone how magic tricks really worked. Anyway, Randy poo-poos such balderdash. "It doesn't matter what you sing as long as you really sing it."

Paula says "it's always rough the first night," and Simon says he's "happy to be here." Then Seacrest provokes him about the Sligh incident, saying that Chris got under his skin last night--except that's not true, either. Simon was annoyed with Ryan, not Chris.

Whatever. We get a quick clip reel of the girls' "journey" to the semi-finals. Lots of screaming and golden tickets and people happy to have gotten this far and sitting in the Big Chair and more screaming. Then, abruptly, commercials.

Stephanie Edwards is up first. She's a Never Seen, so this is our first real look at her. Stephanie was discouraged at first, but her parents believed in her. At her audition, she reminded Simon of "one of those 30s or 40s jazz singers."

She sings How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore by Alicia Keyes, and at first, my own Wall of Resistance doesn't accept her. See, even though I'm wise to this show's trickery, I often fall for its manipulations. I've never seen her, so why should I like her? But Stephanie wins me over. Her voice is really good, and she frickin' performs the hell out of this song, sexing it up, and even falling to her knees at the song's dramatic point, like James Brown. She sounds a bit like Natalie Cole to me.

Anyway, the audience goes crazy for her. How can they not, after last night's Crap Collective?

Judges. Randy: "That said it all!" Paula: "You are a star, my God, look at you, amazing!" Simon: "You were a million times better than any performance we saw last night...unlike yesterday, it looks like you came out and said 'I want to win American Idol. '"

Amy Krebs, another Never Seen, is next. At her audition, she sang Aretha Franklin's A Deeper Love. Hollywood was "exhilarating." She interviews that "it means a whole lot to be here." Also, she has a face like Napoleon Dynamite.

Her song tonight is I Can't Make You Love Me. Ahh...this is not good. It's a quiet, dull performance of an overplayed song. It conveys zero percent of her personality, which for a Never Seen is an absolute must. And she doesn't really sing it well. In short, it's meh.

Judges. Randy: "That was kind of a boring song for you...it's very, very too safe for me." Paula: "You impressed us in the earlier auditions...you had an R&B feel." Simon: "When you sing, you have the personality of a candle...you're just like this thing that sings, and two singers later, I'm gonna forget you." He only speaks the truth--but then he gets nasty. "Even what you're wearing, your hair, everything at the moment is forgettable." The audience boos. They can boo all they want, but she's going home tomorrow.

Leslie Hunt, another Never Seen, is a dog walker from Chicago. She made a good impression on me in the ten seconds we saw of her when they announced the Top 24, a red-haired goofy goober. Her American Idol experience has "been a boost of confidence and self-assuredness" that she "needed so much."

She sings Aretha Franklin's Natural Woman, and it doesn't really come together. Her body is going one way, all lanky and goofy, and she's smiling, while the lyrics are talking about feeling uninspired and her soul being in the lost-and-found. It's like she didn't even read them. From the little I've seen of her, Leslie needed to come out and sing something fun like Red Rubber Ball, I've Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates, or even Toucha-Toucha-Touch Me. She's so likeable, though. It's a shame.

Judges. Randy: "I was hoping for definite greatness, but...you can't take on Aretha, Stevie, Mariah and just kinda leave it lay there...it was just okay." Paula: "I think you did a great job." Simon: "It wasn't great...you look embarrassed and ungainly...a bit all over the place when you perform." And again, he's right, which is why Leslie needs to embrace and showcase that whacky, goofball side of her personality we saw in her Top 24 clip.

Sabrina Sloan, yet another Never Seen, was super-nasally at her audition, but she's a professional singer, and the judges put her through. Since then, she focused on picking the perfect song for Hollywood, resulting in a standing "o" from Paula. Her goal is to "do what I love to do and enjoy every second of it."

She performs another Aretha song, Ain't Never Loved a Man. This girl read the lyrics. Sabrina performs the shit out of this song, acting sexy, then pissed, then sexy again, then angry. Not a note is out of place. Wow. These girls aren't giving me much to mock tonight.

Judges. Randy: "We finally got ourselves a competition...that's the way to put it down! That's the way to sing!" Paula: "Standing ovation!" She stands and ovates. Simon: "That performance...out of everything I've seen, was the best one so far." Sabrina cops to doing her homework and, based on the show's history, intentionally chose a more up-tempo song for her first night. Good for her!

Antonella Barba, Jersey Girl and B.F.F. with God's Favorite, is next. We've seen plenty of her. She auditioned with pal Amanda, then lost her in Hollywood, then was one of two girls in the running for the final spot in the Top 24. "My Idol journey has been a rollercoaster." Hopefully, she means the kind like in Final Destination 3.

For some off-the-wall reason, she's chosen to sing I Don't Want to Miss a Thing, a power ballad by Aerosmith. Antonella sings it like she's awaiting her own execution. No real energy to speak of. She's pitchy as hell. This song relies on some real belting, Antonella either doesn't make an effort or fails miserably.

Judges. Randy: "It wasn't good...it was really pitchy, really bland." Paula: "You're an amazingly beautiful girl." That's the kiss of death right there. Antonella knows it. Simon: "The good news is you're attractive. The bad news is, it didn't work...I think this has seriously, seriously damaged your chances of remaining here another week." Her Guido-ish father, sitting in the audience, glares at Simon, playing out Goodfellas and all three Godfather movies in his head. Antonella wants to know what can she "do better." Simon: "You've got a pop voice, sing a pop song." I think she's safe, based on the fact that she got loads of coverage before the semi-finals. Unless Amanda spoke to her buddy God about getting Antonella booted.

Jordin Sparks is 17 years old, which I think makes her the youngest girl competing. The judges, Simon especially, thought she was too sweet during her audition, which I totally do not remember happening. "Tonight, I don't care if I make a fool out of myself, because that'll be me then!"

She hits the stage singing Tracy Chapman's Gimme One Reason, and replaced the sweetness with attitude, taking what I've always considered a bland song and infusing it with emotion. Not every note is perfect, but her performance is good enough to keep her in the running.

Judges. Randy: "We tell people all the time they pick songs that are too big for them. I don’t know if there's any song too big for you, so go there!" Paula: "You do have that natural talent. Go for it, go for it, go for it." Simon: "Push yourself and you may surprise a few people in this competition."

Nicole Tranquilo is next. Another Never Seen. She thrives on being really busy and getting no sleep. "Hopefully, it shows that I'm a hard worker and I care a lot about giving a great performance and that people like it."

She's singing something...Chaka Khan-ish. Yep, it's Stay. Good ear on me! Nicole is doing sort of a...hmm...how can I say this? An R&B thing with her diction. It isn't an offense, and it's certainly nothing we haven't seen before from Justin Timberlake and our own Chris Richardson. But Nicole's voice is too sharp for the material, and the result is, basically, that it overemphasizes that she's just some white girl singing a song that doesn't suit her. To her credit, she gives it her all.

Judges. Randy: "I don't think those are the kinda songs you should be doin'...that was rough for me...I didn't get that at all." Paula: "I don't know how many people can hit the notes Nicole just hit." What is she talking about? Simon: "I thought it was indulgent, it was aggressive, it looked unnatural, it looked fake...it didn't, to me, feel like it was you at all." Which, after watching this for the second time tonight, is exactly right. Randy sums it up. "Too urban," he says.

Haley Scarnato auditioned dressed like Charlie's Angels. I know I keep saying that, but that's all I remember about her. She describes her Idol journey as "surreal." She thinks it's insane that she made it this far. "I am so motivated to just keep going."

First of all, she looks fantastic, wearing a strapless/sleeveless black pantsuit thing. Very '70s, which I guess is her thing. Haley whips out some Celine Dion with the silly It's All Coming Back to Me Now, and while her voice is great, easy on the ears with perfect pitch, this is totally Celine Does Broadway. There's a definite showtune quality to her voice, and the arrangement is helping.

Judges. Randy: "It was just okay for me, really...I don't think you did anything special with it." Paula: "I think you did a nice job. I was hoping that maybe you would have selected a different song, since we did hear it in Hollywood." Excuse me, Ms. Abdul, but we, the Viewers-at-Home, heard no such thing. Simon: "Everything about you tonight was old...at twenty-four, you should sound a bit younger...it was a little boring." Haley says she loves the song and will stay true to herself. In other words, bite the weenie, judges.

Melinda Doolittle, who, if you've read any of these recaps, you know I love, love, love, is next. She was a background singer who worked up the courage to audition, then wowed the judges every time she opened her mouth. "Last year about this time, I was like 'I think I'm gonna try to be a background singer on American Idol. '" So this is huge for her. "I'm so excited."

From the get-go, Melinda is wailing away on Aretha's Since You've Been Gone. She's nothing short of excellent, working the stage like she's been doing it her entire life. Everybody is on their feet, dancing. Her voice: amazing! I'm gonna let the judges cover the details...

Judges. Randy: "You came out there, sung, blew it out the box, you were hot...that was the bomb!" Paula: "You are a frontrunner, you're a firecracker, too...big, big, performance." Simon: "You are an incredible singer, you have a fantastic story, you're a fantastic person. I really hope you well."

People, I will be so freakin' upset if Melinda gets cut.

Commercials. This 300 movie looks pretty good. It should have monsters in it, though. I'd like it better if it had monsters in it.

Alaina Alexander is next. I'm still convinced she's the girl who was going to be a dentist if she couldn't make it on the show, but nobody has mentioned it, so I could be wrong. She describes the process as "survival of the fittest," which is true, although if there were actual bloodshed and life-or-death moments, this show would get even better ratings. "When you really want something so bad...to know it's happening is just, like, the best feeling ever."

Alaina sings Brass in Pocket, and by singing, I mean sounding like a phone sex operator. She's all smiles, though. Not a clue in her head about how bad she sounds. What are these things called "keys"? Pish-posh! Alaina is just having a good time. Song? Sing? Whatever. She's like "I'm on stage, yaaaay!!"

Judges. Randy: "It really wasn't great, to be honest with you." Paula: "You didn't put your 'oomph' into it." Simon: "I thought, actually, it was a mess...you are going to be relying on your looks at the moment, not your voice." Yeah...I can see her going home tomorrow.

Seacrest, either in an effort to make Alaina feel better or maybe just to fill time, says that what's great about her is her passion. "She was going to quit music and singing altogether before making it on American Idol. " Hmm, maybe she is Dental Girl. "What else can she do, if she's back next week, to pick the right song?" Randy tries to give a straight answer about Alaina figuring out what she sings best, but Simon interrupts with pure nonsense.

"Ryan, are you trying to date this girl?"

Randy and Alaina, in-synch, go "WHAT?!?"

Seacrest, as real as I've ever seen him, says, "That doesn't even deserve a response."

I suspect this is Cowell's retaliation for last night's Chris Sligh incident, but he's really out of line. Seacrest is obviously in Nuture Mode here, which is the basic point of him being on this show, so for Cowell to pervert that speaks more about him than it does about Ryan. And Alaina may be misguided in her musical choices, she doesn't need to have crap like this flung her way. It's just a stupid-ass, tacky remark.

Anyway, Seacrest moves on, and Cowell tries to laugh it off, but I don't think Ryan is remotely amused.

Gina Glocksen is next. She's the big-mouth rocker chick with red streaks in her hair. Made it to Hollywood last year, got cut for forgetting the lyrics to her song, blah, blah. Back again this year. "This is my time. I'm tired of auditioning for American Idol. " Well, then stop.

She sings All By Myself--the Celine Dion version, not the Eric Carmen version. You'd think there wouldn't be a difference, but the arrangement on the Celine version removes the original's pathos and melancholy, replacing it with Las Vegas grandstanding. It bugs me, but it's the only version anyone on this show ever sings. Regardless, this is Gina's choice. I don't like her, but she generally sounds good, managing to hit all the major notes without inflicting too much pain upon me.

Judges. Randy: "Big girl, big voice...that was nice." Paula: "Because you've got that big, powerful voice, nice song." Simon: "I don't think you hit the big note." She did, though. I wonder if he'll take it back tomorrow, after he watches the show (as he usually does). I also wonder when I can go back to saying bad things about Gina, which I find more enjoyable than saying nice things.

LaKisha Jones is last. She's the struggling, single mom from Michigan, and the judges loved her at auditions. "I just hope that everything will work out for the best."

LaKisha performs I Am Telling You, I'm Not Not Going from Dreamgirls, and yes, it's a performance. She's full of passion and emotion as she belts out this huge, emotional song. Little A.J. Tabaldo, who you know has seen Dreamgirls twelve times and has the Broadway and the movie soundtracks is bugging out, waving his arms in the air, full of joy. LaKisha is no Jennifer Hudson here, but her rendition of this song is nothing to sneeze at. She brings down the house by the time she's done.

Judges. Randy: "I do love you...Jennifer Hudson watch out! Yeah, yeah, YEAH!" Paula: "You have so much to be proud of...this is where you belong, honey." Simon: "I am very tempted to say to twenty-three people, 'Book your plane tickets home.'"

Seacrest asks Randy if the rules didn't call for a six-six boy-girl split, how many of the guys would get into the Final 12. Randy says, "I'd pick like four of them, and I'd have like eight girls. 'Cause the girls blew it out the box tonight, dude!" Yep, they pretty much did. Those boys need to step the hell up.

And that's a wrap. Tomorrow night, four people go home and my job gets much, much easier. Of the girls, I think Alaina needs to watch out. Amy Krebs should also worry. And while Stephanie was good, she's a Never Seen who had the misfortune of opening the show. Will people remember her?

Tune in tomorrow for results!
--Frank