American Idol: Hollywood Week: Part Two (2/14)

Songs from the big chair--of death!

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest greets us from outside the Pasadena Civic Auditorium, telling us that the auditioneers have made it through "the biggest auditions ever...they have lived through the toughest Hollywood Week yet." He wants to know if they can survive the ultimate cut. We're down to the final 40 contestants, the final judgement, and there's no turning back. "At the end of the day, there will only be twelve guys and twelve girls left," Seacrest says, as seriously as if that sentence ended with "in the world." This is, of course, American Idol.

The kids are at the auditorium, gathered together to sit and await their fates. This one's hands are shaky. That one says it's tough. Melinda Doolittle says that today, her life could change drastically. That's true of any day, really. I mean, you could get hit by a bus or mauled by a mountain lion without coming close to an Idol audition.

Seacrest explains how it works, which is the same as every year. One by one, the kids get on an elevator and travel upstairs to a big room. In that room Randy, Paula, and Simon sit behind a desk facing a lone, wooden chair. The contestant sits in the chair and is told if they're staying or going. Then, it's all about the super-glee or the walk of shame, as they head back to the elevator and return downstairs.

It's worth noting that as each contestant take his or her seat, we flashback to previously-unseen footage of a solo performance from Hollywood Week. There's not much to cover regarding that, except that in each instance, they're singing with a pianist and back-up singers. Also, a lot of the guys sing Bryan Adams' Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman? And, boy, do I hate that song! It might be my least favorite song in all creation. It's worse that Who Let the Dogs Out novelty crap. I'd like to kick Bryan Adams in his Canadian nuts for even recording it, I hate it so much.

But this is my issue. Anyway...

Sanjaya Malakar is first. He's the shaggy-haired half of the "Donnie & Marie" siblings. He walks in and reminds me of Michael Jackson circa 1982 in every possible way. He's just...soft. And dainty. The kinda guy who brings out other guys' inner bully. Also, he needs a haircut. The judges put him through to the semi-finals.

Next is Anna Kearns, the super-tall giant girl from Seattle auditions. She lets Simon know that she didn't appreciate his "we put through a giraffe" comment, which she heard when the audition episode aired. She says a giraffe is a beautiful animal, and Simon says it was meant as a compliment. Anna gets cut from the competition, then argues that while she's not the best singer, she can be, and should be put through for that reason. Huh? Whatever. She's out.

Birmingham's Bernard Williams, who sang Rock With You like an actual boy, gets cut, then comes downstairs an announces his situation to a sea of shocked faces. Also cut is Constantine Maroulis lookalike, Eric Davis (I don't recall him), and Tami Gosnell, the Leather Tuscadero chick. That was a surprise--she was good!

Melinda Doolittle rides the elevator upstairs. She's the only contestant I really give a damn about, so this was suspenseful for me. Simon tells her there's a reason why she's a backup singer. "Because normally, someone else is better than you....but you’re good enough to stand at the front of the stage, and you're through to the next round." Yay!! Then Simon sweetly hugs and kisses her.

Brendon Rogers, the male backup singer from L.A. auditions with the muscular arms and bright smile, is next. He's Top 24.

After the break, Seacrest stands at the front of the waiting room. Pointing at the kids, he says, "One of them could be the American Idol." I notice that the front couple of rows are filled with familiar faces, but the back rows are people we've never seen before. They're little more than extras. Or red shirts, if you know the Star Trek. I'll label them as "never seen" from here on.

Gina Glocksen, the mouthy "rocker" chick, heads upstairs. As much as I wanted Melinda Doolittle to make it, I want Gina to get bounced. She's an irritant. In her Unseen Hollywood Solo, she sings that sucky Bryan Adams song sounding like she's riding the back of a pickup truck: all vibrato up in her vibrator. The judges put her through. "Shut up!" Gina says. No, Gina, you shut up.

Jimmy McNeal, the mini-Ruben Studdard, and Errick Johnson (never seen) get cut. Errick is not going to give up. Jimmy wonders how he'll tell his mom. He should tell her he has a six months to live, then laugh and say, "Nah, I'm only kidding. I just got bounced from American Idol. " It's really just a matter of perspective.

Haley Scarnato, who auditioned while dressed as every season of Charlie's Angels, is put through to Top 24. Phil Stacey, who auditioned while his daughter was being birthed, also makes it. Cool, maybe he'll miss her first birthday, too. The Waiting Room Gang cheers for him.

After the break we get our first propaganda piece of the season. While the girls auditioned in Hollywood, the guys got to attend a screening of The Simpsons Movie. We see some clips, and it looks just like the show. Here's my advance review: if you like the show, you'll probably like this film. The guys also got to meet-and-greet some animators. That's pretty cool. The girls got nothing, because The Simpsons are for boys, and smelly girls should just play with their dolls and make dinner!

Getting back to what matters, Chris Sligh is next. He's the big Jack Osbourne guy who wowed the judges with his and Blake Lewis's little beat-boxing boy band performance. Simon says he's one of the most popular contestants, but he wasn't one of the better singers...but "unfortunately, you've made it through."

Blake Lewis, the hipster beat-boxer, whom I’m both attracted to and annoyed by (figure that one out) is next. He's Top 24.

Thomas Lowe, the other cute member of the Sligh-Lewis team, gets cut, leaving only Rudy Cardenas, who I called "flotsam" last night. We saw him during auditions, but he made no impression on me. Regardless, he takes a spot in the semis.

Paul Kim, hater of William Hung, has decided that every time he takes the stage to sing he will be barefoot. Why? He doesn't say. He also wears the same pair of underwear on every cut day, presumably after washing them, but who the hell knows. In his Unseen Hollywood Solo, he sings How Deep is Your Love with tons of affectation, and plays air piano with his right hand. The judge fake-apologize for their decision, and then put him through. Guess he won't be buying new shorts anytime soon.

Jordin Sparks meets with the judges. She's a full-figured gal who looks familiar to me. Did I recap her? Hmm...not a good sign if I've already watched the show twice and I don't remember you. I go back and check. Yep, there she is. Her dad is footballer Felipe Sparks and, what's this? I even predicted she's make Final 12! Erm...okay then. Jordan survives this round.

Olivia Quiba-Hurst (never seen) gets cut. Tatiana McConnico (never seen) gets cut. Monique Vieras (never seen) gets cut. The waiting room is thinning out, but Tommy Daniels doesn't mind sitting around. He's busy flirting with Jersey Girl Antonella Barba. Not that she's flirting back, of course. As her BFF Amanda said yesterday, the Jersey Girls don't flirt. This is a job interview. Antonella adjust the curls in Tommy's hair because she's a giver.

Fuzzy-wuzzy-headed A.J. Tabaldo (never seen...maybe) makes it through. Smiley Stephanie Edwards (never seen) makes it through. Ginger-haired Leslie Hunt (never seen) makes it through. She makes an immediate impression on me though, coming off as a fun-loving goofball. I like her.

Nicholas Pedro, who dropped out of the competition last year, takes the chair. Paula tells him he's going through, Randy congrats the kid, and Simon makes this face that says, "By the skin of your teeth, mate." Nick calls his little sister with the news, and she screams like Dracula is climbing in her bedroom window.

Alaina Alexander, who I think is the girl who contemplated a career in dentistry if Idol didn't happen, doesn't want to sit down. Alaina, don't make waves. Also, wear a longer skirt--you're not Britney Spears yet. But she sits, says she was nervous during Hollywood, and waits forever before Randy tells her she made Top 24. Crying, she wants to know if there's anything she can do to improve. Simon tells her to blow her nose. I tell her to wear jeans. This is a family show.

Chris Richardson, who auditioned waaay back in 1975, and reminded Randy of "Timberlake" is next. He's a tasty slice, this one, even if he does look high most of the time. He's Top 24, so tune in next week to see his glassy eyes.

Heading upstairs next is Sabrina Sloan (never seen). Simon: "We have decided not...to exclude you." In the elevator, she screams that she loves this show! Me, too, Sabrina, when I'm not hating it and all it represents.

Jerome Chism (never seen) gets cut. Joelle James (never seen), whose hair is all done up like she's dressed for the role of Roadside Diner Waitress #2, gets cut. Matthew "Brokeback Cowboy" Buckstein gets cut. Serves him right for being mean to Little Matt Sato yesterday. The highly drag queeny Princess Johnson (never seen) isn't going through, either.

Single mother Lakisha Jones, who auditioned in New York and was hoping this show would provide a new beginning for her and her daughter, takes the chair. The judges screw with her until she cries. Do you think you've done well? What will you do if you don't make it? Will you sell us your daughter's soul for six months of TV fame? Simon: "Lakisha...I'm sorry to tell you...you're going to be seeing a lot of us." More tears. Lots of joy. They damn near killed this woman. Then they throw compliments at her. Simon says she's a great singer. Paula says she's beautiful. Randy eyeballs the junk in her trunk. She's a mother, Randy--honestly!

Nicole Tranquillo (never seen) is next. Judging from her Unseen Hollywood Solo, she can certainly sing well, but she looks like she's got one foot on the Crazy Bus. I dunno. We'll see. She's through to semi-finals.

Thick-eyebrowed Jared Cotter (never seen) follows, and makes Top 24. Friendly blonde Amy Krebs (never seen) makes it, too. This leaves us with two guys and two girls. It's 11 p.m. An extra chair is placed before the judges. They should literally have the kids play musical chairs for the two remaining semi-final spots. I'd pay to see that. Hell, I'd audition just to play.

Seacrest sends the girls up together. They are Marisa Rhodes (who might be the girl I thought resembled Christina Ricci yesterday, except she totally doesn't) and Jersey Girl Antonella Barba. On the elevator ride up, Marisa says to Antonella, "No matter what happens, good luck. I love you, you're an awesome girl." In her Unseen Hollywood Solo, Marisa gets judge-love and the other contestants cheer. In Antonella's Unseen Solo, she forgets the words to Aretha Franklin's Until You Come Back to Me.

The girls sit side by side, but the judges don't prolong things. Randy wants to "keep it real and bring down the truth." Marisa is out. Antonella is in.

Marisa "good jobs" Antonella, but goes batshit in the elevator, doubling over and sinking to the floor. "How the f**k did this happen? How the f**k did this happen?!?" Oooh, way to be gracious, Marisa.

Seacrest sends up the last two guys: Sundance Head and Thomas Daniels. Sundance is wearing a pea coat and looks ready to board his whaling ship any minute. (I think I called him "Sunshine" in yesterday's recap. My bad.) In the elevator, the boys joke around, and Thomas jumps up and down not realizing that elevators are dangerous machines that kill. Stop jumping, fool!

I pegged Thomas for Final 12 back when he auditioned in New York. I might've said the said the same thing about Sundance, but he's been a howling off-key disaster ever since. The judges...think differently. Sundance gets the last Top 24 spot. What?!? Again, I say, what?!? Antonella was bad enough, forgetting the lyrics, but this is frickin' ridiculous. Why are they ramming Sundance down our throats? By his own admission, he sucked his way through Hollywood Week, so what gives, American Idol? What gives? Maybe it was Thomas's hit and run and DUI arrests, but then why let him compete for the last spot?

Anyway, on the ride down, the guys continue to joke around. Thomas gives the "hidden" camera matching middle fingers. Sundance says that if he makes it big, he'll make Thomas his bodyguard.

Then Seacrest intros the best part of the season. The Happy Dance Montage where all the semi-finalists must perform their own personal jig as their name is announced.

But first, I'd like to do my own little roll-call, set to the tune of Limbo Rock, dedicated to all the contestants who vanished without a trace. Whatever happened to...

New York auditioneer Jenry Bejarno, who showed up with his adoptive Bolivian mom and wowed the judges? Rachel Devita, the geeky teen who cut opera class to audition and sang in three different genres, giving Simon brain spasms? Denise Jackson, the Crack Baby of the Minneapolis show? Or Ebony Jointer and Ashley Cleland, the singing rollerwaitresses from the "Best Of" show? Or the just-married Katie Bernard, whose speaking voice was that of a six-year-old child? All these people got screen time, yet none of them got even the vaguest bit of follow up, thanks to the super-compressed Hollywood Week coverage. Way to tell a story, producers!

So, who are our official Top 24?

The Top 12 girls are: Jersey Girl Antonella Barba, Charlie's Angel Haley Scarnato, Lakisha Jones, making gross Sexy Face at the camera, Jordin Sparks, whom I hope not to forget this time, Stephanie Edwards, and Melinda Doolittle, stepping up to the front. There's Alaina Alexander, the almost-dentist, Gina Glocksen, who I am so over already, Amy Krebs, goofy and adorable Leslie Hunt (the only Never Seen that I want to see more of), Sabrina Sloan, and Nicole Tranquillo.

The Top 12 guys are: Phil Stacey (a.k.a. Baby Daddy) who slashes at the camera in mockery of that "Eccentric" nutjob, Jerrod Kotter, rubbing his face like he's putting on zit cream, Chris Richardson and his fine glassy-eyed self, ex-quitter Nicholas Pedro, Brandon Rogers, and Sundance Head (my cup of him hath overflowed). There's Rudy Cardenas, who I'm sure I'd like if he wasn't going home immediately, A.J. Tabaldo, barefoot Hung-hater Paul Kim, Chris Sligh, beat-boxing Blake Lewis, and needs-a-haircut soft boy, Sanjaya Malakar.

Next week, it's three nights of Idol as we slowly work our way down from Top 24 to Final 12. The guys sing on Tuesday, the girls sing on Wednesday, the results of America's vote come on Thursday, and Your Not-So-Humble Recapper rests on Friday.

Get ready for some venom...
--Frank