American Idol 2/13/07 Hollywood Week: Part One

172 Fools Enter, 40 Fools Leave

by Frank Pittarese

"The dream of an American Idol finalist is to be a superstar," narrates Seacrest, before rattling off the names of Hicks, McPhee, and Daughtry, calling them "powerhouses in the music industry." Powerhouses, Ryan? Really? "Tonight 172 people are just five days away from their shot at stardom," except those geniuses at Fox are going to condense those five days into just two episodes because they think America isn't interested in watching their prize showdogs crying, backstabbing, and being general asswipes to each other. Well that's not my America, people. Is it yours? Rock the vote! "It's Hollywood Week. This is American Idol. "

In their desperate effort to suck all the fun out of this competition (or perhaps, just to hide the fact that some of the Final 12 may turn out to be assholes, idiots, or some Franken-mix of both), the producers have turned this episode into a blink-and-you-miss-it extravaganza. I'll try to keep up, and hopefully, no one will slip through the cracks.

8 a.m., Day One, and the contestants gather for breakfast. Some are chatting, some sleep with their heads resting on their tabletops like I did when I was in the third grade and was totally not feeling the whole "time to go to school" thing. A few give each other the hairy eyeball, sizing up the competition. There's the forgettable boy who got booted from Hollywood last year. I forget his name now, but stick around. He's sitting next to the Asian dude who hates William Hung and everything he stands for. But it doesn't matter. Only the girls will be competing today. They head out to buses, and some snarky girl says, "We were in the elevator and there were people like, 'Oh, we're all gonna make it, we're all winners.'"

Gina Glockson, the "rocker" girl who last week I thought had tattoos all over her arms but was just wearing a dumb shirt, is sitting next to her. She adds, "And I'm like, yeah, look at the person to your left, the person to your right...one of you three is going home." And she'd know, having been given the Holly-boot once before.

We get down to business right away. Seacrest, hiding in the balcony from the bogeyman, whispers that the girls will be broken up into groups of six. Each girl in that group will sing individually, and the judges will make cuts when the group is done. Let the culling begin!

First up is Jory Steinberg. She's the Canadian chick who auditioned in New York. Jory sings I'm Out of Love by Anastacia, and is absolutely mundane. She's followed by the remaining five in her group, including a low-voiced blonde girl, a black girl who sings with her knees together like she has to tinkle, and a girl in a brown dress who sings Hero in a state of terror. In the end, they all line up, and Simon says, "Girls, you're all going home." Brown Dress appears to have misunderstood him, because she initially screams "Yes!!" and pumps her arm in the air, then immediately covers her mouth as reality sets in. Goodbye, Jory. Maybe Canadian Idol will treat you better. Not that I care.

Backstage, we find Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba, the Jersey girls from the New York auditions. "I'm gonna shit my pants," Amanda says, but she doesn't, because she's a dirty liar who lies.

Perla Meneses is the next contestant to get face time. She's the Latina chick who auditioned in Memphis. The judges weren't crazy about her till she sang Shakira's Hips Don't Lie in the actual voice of Shakira. Then, love. We "catch up to her" getting off the plane and "posing for photographers" in a completely spontaneous manner. This girl is way too high energy for me. In the hallway, Seacrest advises her to be the person that the judges saw at auditions, "plus." In other words, crank it up a notch. That Ryan and his pranks! Once again, Perla sings Hips Don't Lie. I may be mistaken, but I don't think she'll be able to do that on Barry Manilow night, so she might want to consider singing another song.

Rachel Jenkins is next. She's the Army Reservist who auditioned in Memphis with a photo of her Baghdad-stationed husband hanging from her neck. She sings Unbreak My Heart rather blandly.

Perla gets through. Rachel doesn't. As Simon tells Perla that she's "personality over talent at the moment," Rachel goes off and cries, trying to spin it into being okay because her husband is coming home in two weeks. Then Perla cries in an interview because, "They think I'm like this joke, and I'm not. " Perla, if you come to this show planning to be A Character, you've gotta take your lumps.

Next is Barbie doll Baylie Brown. She's the fashion-conscious one who lives on a farm with seven cows, two horses, a unicorn and a hippogrif. A city girl at heart, she hates her country roots and proved it by auditioning with Stronger, a Faith Hill song. She sings it again today, the judges love her, and she's safe.

Randy lectures the girls yet to sing that they have to be good from the first note. Then a bunch of girls get cut. Ashlyn Carr, who sang with constipated face (and was arrested for putting sugar in her ex-boyfriend's gas tank), gets booted. Porcelana Patino, who auditioned in New York after training like Rocky also gets cut. Sarah Burgess, a.k.a. Miss Fakeity-Fake 2007, is thankfully eliminated. Sarah tearfully interviews that she made her parents proud, "so I've already won," except at this point, I believe nothing she says. For all I know, her parents are storefront mannequins with photos of Brad and Angelina glued to their faces and she speaks to them in pig latin.

A lot of girls get cut. Most, if not all, of them, we've never seen before. One girl, wearing big heart-shaped earrings, sobs that she feels like a failure. It's not how you feel that counts, dear. It's what you are. So the pressure is on for Nicole Turner, the last contestant of the day. I don't recall seeing her before tonight. Anyway, she interviews that her mom and her aunt flew out to auditions today, and they're giving her a hard time about her song choice. We see them practically chanting at her to sing Ain't No Way. Mama Turner pounds a walking stick on the floor, to punctuate her point. She's like Debbie Allen in Fame, all, "You got big dreams? You want fame? Well, right here's where you start payin', by singin' Ain't No Way before I knock the white off your teeth!"

So Nicole sings the damn song, then makes the mistake of telling the judges that she only did so to make her mom and aunt happy. Of course, she gets cut. Mama Turner tries to comfort the uncomfortable, and then proclaims, "I wanna talk to the judges!" And they let her! She hobbles out on stage, and if I were Nicole, I'd kill myself on the spot. The most embarrassing moment of her life is being seen by millions of people. But Nicole performs a different kind of suicide when she tries to explain how her bad song choice wasn't bad because of the song itself, but rather because of how she felt about the song choice, which was bad.

"It wasn't the song!" Simon shouts, which only serves to annoy Nicole. She tells him not to shout at her, and babbles more nonsense about not feeling the song, and not having touched the song, and not having had the song's love child. Simon can't take it and storms off the judge's dais. "It wasn't the song!! " he super-shouts. Nicole and Mom leave in a huff, Paula calls Simon obnoxious, and Randy applauds that whacked out auditioneer and her pushy stage-mom.

By the end of Day One, 56 of the 114 girls get bounced. Among the survivors are the awesome Melinda Doolittle, the background singer from Memphis, Gina Glockson, non-tattooed "rocker" chick (who is already getting under my non-tattooed skin), and Jamie Lynn Ward, the perky blonde from Birmingham whose daddy shot his wife, then himself, but "it's okay."

After the break, it's Day Two, which means it's all-boys, all-day.

Jason "Sundance" Head points out that there are far less boys than girls here, but I don't think it matters. There are always an equal number of boys and girls by the end, even if that means filling the holes with a Kevin Covais or two.

Pretty-but-forgettable, Brian Miller tells Seacrest it's "like an emotional rollercoaster." Dressed in his Sunday finest, he sings A Change is Gonna Come, as he did in auditions. The audience applauds, and the judges are impressed.

Then comes Navy dude Jarrod Fowler, who is in the Navy and does Navy things. We see clips of him in the Navy, on a Navy ship. He looks forty, and sings You Raise Me Up, most boringly.

After him comes Little Matt Sato. He's the kid with the woefully plucked eyebrows whose desire for fame had depleted the family funds. After making it through to Hollywood, he called him mom and they cried over the phone like old ladies. Now, he tells us that pre-Idol, his parents weren't supportive of him, but when he returned from auditions, his mom hugged him. "I felt loved," he says. And it's just terrible to think that this 16-year-old kid needs this stupid show to validate himself in the eyes of his parents, and that they, in turn, only express affection for him because he made it on this stupid show. Healthy!

Little Matt sings something I can't identify, and while he sounds a little feminine, he's gets through to the next round. So does Chris Sligh, the Jack Osbourne lookalike. We don't get to hear Chris sing, though. Could be an issue with song rights. I dunno. Jarrod Fowler doesn't make it, so he will go back to...wherever the hell. Did they even tell us what he does for a living? In the hall, Little Matt screams and runs around, celebrating like a happy pixie. Then he spots the glum Jarrod and hugs him apologetically. Aww...I like Little Matt.

He then calls his mom and gives her an update. She shrieks with joy at the idea of Little Matt making it through. Then she says, "$$$," which comes out as "I love you." They both weep. "She never says she loves me," he says. Oh boy. I could get into this but...yeah....um...keep your wits about you, kid.

And that's it for the guys. See, I told you they rush Hollywood Week! In total, 34 are going through to the next round. They include, Blake Lewis, the beat-boxing hipster, Nick Pedro, who dropped out of the competition last year, Phil Stacey, who missed his daughter's birth while auditioning, and shaggy man Sean Michel, who looked like Fidel Castro and sang like an angel. Sundance Head made it through, too.

After the break, we find the 92 survivors gathered together for the start of Day Three's next round: the Group Sing. As Seacrest explains, "They can team up with whomever they choose, and must pick a song from a list of nine."

Some girl with pigtails can't find a group. "Everybody's got someone," she says, and then she sits and cries, which is always the best way to complete a task. When the zombies come--and they will--you don't want to give her the keys to your getaway truck. Little Matt can't find a group, either. Matt "Brokeback Cowboy" Buckstein, from last year, has hooked up with two other fools (one of whom is Nick Pedro), and they won't let Little Matt in.

Pigtail Girl finally finds a group when a production assist--I mean contestant, spontaneously and without prompting, stands before the camera and says, "Do you want to sing with us?"

Brokeback's group attempts to harmonize for us. They're successful, if you define the word "harmony" as random, off-key noises. Meanwhile, Chris Sligh, Blake Lewis, and their gang are attempting to choreograph...something.

By 11:00, most groups are pulling their crap together...except for Baylie Brown's group. Seems that Baylie, in her fierce desperation to shake off her country vibe and hang with the "cool" kids, has hitched her covered wagon to Amanda and Antonella, the Jersey girls. And they can't figure out what the hell they want to sing. At 11:00. On the night before the group audition. With only nine songs on the list, just effing pick one! Maybe if you stop chewing gum for two minutes you'll be able to think, Amanda. Just a suggestion.

The Jersey girls bicker as Baylie zones out. This big city life is so overwhelmin', with all the talkin' and decision-makin'. What can a girl do, but slip into a state of catatonia? Saints alive, she's about fit to swoon! Best fetch the smellin' salts from Aunt Pitty-Pat.

By 1 a.m., the kids are rehearsing at the hotel. We find Gina Glockson's group, which includes Perla Meneses, in the thick of Be My Baby. Gina talks about "a person" in her group who isn't good at harmonies. The group's Christina Ricci girl talks about losing her patience, as Gina "helps" Perla--I'm sorry--a certain person learn her harmonies. Christina Ricci doesn't want to go to bed till they get everything right.

Meanwhile, Baylie, Amanda, and Antonella are rehearsing This Old Heart of Mine in a hallway somewhere. Baylie is singing into the bottom of a water glass, and by singing, I mean going "na-na-na-na-nah," because fiddle-dee-dee to those tired old lyrics! None of the girls know the lyrics, despite the fact that they're holding print-outs in their hands. Maybe they can't read. Reading, after all, doesn't make you pretty. Amanda, frustrated, wanders off to find greener pastures, also known as boys.

She finds the Chris Sligh-Blake Lewis group, which also includes a tasty-lookin' slim guy and another dude who has a certain amount of "closing time" appeal. (My friend Chuck always referred to those guys as "flotsam," because at the end of the night, they're what floats to the top.) Meanwhile, Baylie and Antonella do the right thing and practice till they get it right. Ha ! Are you kidding? They decide to go to bed. All these words they're tryin' to learn are makin' their heads heavy, and if don't lay down right now, their hair might lose its curl!

Back in the boys' room, Amanda laughs a big fake snorty laugh, as she practically rolls around on the floor. This girl is something else!

Back at Glockson International, the girls have had it up to here with Perla's lack of harmonious harmonies. They all yell at her at once about how she sucks but they're trying to help her not suck. That's what friends are for.

Group Day. 8 a.m. Random groups rehearse. Team Jersey Girl is still a discombobulated mess. The judges take the stage and Simon tells the seated auditioneers, "Do not forget the words." He means business. We never saw Jose Laguna before--and never will again. He forgot the words. He's out. Little Matt forgets the words to Be My Baby. He's out. And so is his mother's love, I'll bet.

Glockson International sings next, but first, Gina interviews: "I don't care about anyone in this competition but myself. Sorry, I'm gonna be the next American Idol. " And while she's absolutely right, everything about her plays wrong. She comes off as a self-centered, pushy bitch. So while I applaud her drive, I can't manage to like her very much. And likeability seems to be to an important trait to have if you want to win this competition.

So yeah, the singing. There's an Andie MacDowell girl in Gina's group. She's okay. Gina sings for all of ten seconds. I don't enjoy her. She oversings the song with Agony Face. Perla ramps up her accent tenfold, shakes her ass and let's her tongue hang from her mouth like a mental patient. Christina Ricci ain't bad. Perla is the only one to get cut, and you can see that she knows it's coming. She graciously exits the stage. Somehow, getting bounced has restored her sanity.

Team Sligh-Lewis sings the Bee Gees' How Deep is Your Love. Chris sounds as great as he did during auditions. The boys eventually break into a falsetto harmony, with Blake beatboxing as they all dance in synch or, if you will, N Synch. It sounds great, although it's five hundred flavors of cheesy. There's a whole post-modern boyband thing happening here. It feels like a spoof, but it's well-performed and the judges are loving it. I'm confused. They get a standing ovation from the other auditioneers, Randy, and Paula. Simon only stands when he pees, if even.

Sundance Head, in a flashback to yesterday which we never saw, shouted and sang through his nose. Today, he sings with two girls. I can't understand a word that passes through L'Paige Bedford's lips. Robyn Troupe, whom we maybe saw at auditions, sounds pretty good. (I find out the next day that I recognize her from the Grammy Awards, where she performed a duet with Justin Timberlake.) Sundance howls, misses his cue, forgets the lyrics, and seems doomed to failure. Then he suddenly rights himself, and while he's still awfully loud (and awful), he's the only one to get through to the next round. Simon tells Paula that she "was very generous with that guy." Even Sundance is befuddled. "I am not an example for anyone that's planning on trying out for this show," he says.

In the bathroom, Team Jersey Girl prep for their audition by dancing in a mirror. Baylie is worried--she doesn't know her stuff. Amanda says, "When I help you, that's when I get messed up." In other words, go milk a cow, Farmer Jane. Someone comes to fetch them out of the toilets. It's showtime.

Before taking the stage, the three link arms. Amanda announces that "whatever happens, if any of us go home, if any of us stay, I think we'll all be friends."

"Yaaay!" says Baylie.

"Ha!" says me.

Antonella does okay, but Baylie completely asses out on the lyrics. She doesn't even bother humming, but stands there stepping from side-to-side, saying nothing. Finally, Amanda chimes in to jog her memory. That was a surprise! Amanda, who has some Barbra Streisand happening in her face, sings her piece by thrusting her torso in our direction. This throws her off balance, and all the songs lyrics fall out of her left ear and onto the stage. Mice come and eat them up, then dance a jig. Amanda hums and is annoyed at herself. In the end, though, the only one to go home is Baylie "Barbie" Brown.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you a Paragraph of Drama...

Amanda tries to comfort Baylie. "It's okay," she says, "it's okay." Baylie ain't tryin' to hear it. "No, it's not, seriously, I hate this," she weeps. Later, as Amanda and Antonella sit in disbelief that they survived, Baylie stands in the hallway, talking smack. "I probably worked the hardest out of both of them. I'm not gonna lie." Back to the Jersey Girls. Amanda explains how she and Antonella made it through. "Ya know why? Because God likes good people." Evil and awesome! Baylie whinges that she didn't flirt with guys all night like a dirty tramp, that she tried to learn her song--except for that part where she went to bed early. Then the Jersey Girls confront Baylie. Amanda thinks it's insulting that Baylie would call her a gum-smacking whore with crab lice, and walks away as Baylie "but seriously's" her. As in, "but seriously, I think you're a whore, but I mean it in a good way." She only gets the "but seriously" out, though. Amanda last words it, informing us that she and Antonella "don't flirt with boys here. This is a job interview. This isn't fun." The show flashes back to Amanda on her ass, laughing like a loon for the sake of hottie-Blake. "We can have as many boys as we want at home, believe me," she says. And I do believe her. I'm afraid not to.

Anyway, another 36 people are going home. They include blonde-in-black turtleneck, whom we've never seen before, a girl dressed like an alcoholic Ginger Spice, and bearded Sean Michel (!), who interviews that his throat got completely dry. We never heard him sing. Random people cry over the life threatening tragedy of not making it to the next round.

After the break, the judges break the kids up into three rooms worth of talent. Two of the rooms are staying. One room is going home. As the judges deliberate, saying things like "he's boring" or "she's amazing," we see clips of various auditioneers to match the comments. I think it's a fakeout, meant to represent the process and not actual remarks about the actual singer being shown. So if you saw the show, don't get lippy because I'm not naming them here. Get lippy in your own recap, buster.

So, three rooms...

In Room One is Paul Kim, who will some day wipe the floor with the rotting corpse of William Hung, Matt "Brokeback Cowboy" Buckstein, beatboxing Blake Lewis, big ol' Chris Sligh, and the other two boys from their group, Melinda Doolittle (yay!), and Gina Glockson (boo!). Plus, others that we've never seen perform. The judges enter, try to flim-flam them with some Serious Letdown Face, and then put them through to the next round. Joyful joy fills the room.

In Room Two, we have Antonella (split from the endearingly wicked Amanda), and Sanjaya, brother of Shyamali, the "Donny and Marie" siblings who auditioned in Memphis. They, too, have been separated. Also, there's howling Sunshine Head, Idol dropout Nick Pedro, and Tami Gosell (a.k.a. Leather Tuscadero). Randy is "sorry" to inform the room that they're through to the next round. More joyful joy. And that, my friends, leaves nothing but sadful sad.

Room Three contains Evil Amanda, also known as God's Favorite, Shyamali, sister of Sanjaya, who is already crying because she can hear the celebrating in the other rooms, Jamie Lynn Ward, who's daddy went a'shootin', and Forgettable Lad, Brian Miller.

The two "yes" rooms merge, with hugging and leaping all around. Antonella looks for Amanda. And looks. And...nope...she's not coming. "I know she's gonna be happy for me," Antonella says, "but I wish she was here." Sanjaya leaves to room to console Shyamali in the hotel lobby. Tears and sorrow.

A random girl sobs, "Why did I even come here?!?" Um, to be on TV, honey. And congrats, you made it.

Amanda hugs Antonella. "I'm so proud of her. She's my best friend," she says, certainly not thinking that God made a mistake. Certainly.

Tomorrow, the survivors sit in the Chair of Doom and the judges hack 'em down to the 24 semi-finalists. Then, finally, we get to vote! Not that I do...I'm just passing along the information.

Surviving the cut,
--Frank