American Idol 2/7/07 Best of the Rest

Tormenting America One Final Time...

by Frank Pittarese

Tonight's episode is chock full of footage featuring the best of the best--and the worst of the worst--auditions. From beginning to end, it's all new, and yet somehow, it still feels like filler. So depending on your point of view, the hour flew by or dragged on for an eternity.

Opening narration from Seacrest over random shots of desperate human oddities. He tells us that using unseen footage from the show's seven-city tour, they'll highlight the "the do's and the don'ts" for anyone who wants to audition in the future. Watching this show for seven years hasn't clued 'em in yet, Seacrest. You might as well be reading the label off a bottle of personal lubricant right now. Yeah, the one that's in your pocket. No, the other pocket. That's right.

"It's the final audition show. This is the Best of the Rest!"

After the opening titles, Seacrest essentially repeats what he said two minutes ago, because it's that damn interesting. Then we get down to business. This episode is broken up into lesson chapters, which is a fine format to swipe. So...

Lesson 1: The Look

Parade of asshats wearing...asshats. Guy in a purple pimp suit. That jackhole panther-man from the other night. Freaky old lady dressed like the bastard child of Raggedy Ann. Ass-kissers wearing Randy Jackson t-shirts. Fat girl with Predator hair . Girl dressed as nun.

We finally stop at Christa Fazzino, 19, from Birmingham auditions. She's wearing a hat that looks like two inches of a pant-leg with a veil attached to it, a long black scarf, a corset, a sheer pink wrap, black-and-white checkered pants that stop at the knee, and bright red high-heeled shoes. In a nutshell, she's a malignant growth cut from the brain of 1984. Of her look, Christa says, "I pull it off and I’m proud of it." Well, good for you, Little Miss Fluffernutter.

She enters judging, all smiles and high hopes, warbles some mystery song at the top of her lungs while stomping her feet, and generally sounding like mic feedback. Paula: "I don't know what song that is." I can't figure it out, either. Simon says Christa's whole audition was ridiculous. Christa no understandie. She asks if she can do something else. "Juggle," Simon says, annoyed. He really can't stand her. Three "no" votes gets her the boot, but Christa warns the judges that she'll "see y'all in the future. You made a mistake. I'm comin'" Yeah, well, maybe if they bring back The Gong Show . Crying at the door, directed at Paula, who caves (?!?) and says "yes" now. The boys still outvote her and we are done with Christa.

At the Memphis audition, we meet 29-year-old Tami Gosnell. She looks like a cross between Janis Joplin and Leather Tuscadero. Tami beams at the judges, telling them she works as a pedicab driver. Simon wants to know if the passengers whip her if she doesn't go fast enough. Keep it to your online chats, Cowell. Tami, ironically, has chosen to sing Whipping Post by the Allman Brothers Band. She has a great earthy, classic rock voice. The judges like her, and she's through to Hollywood. "Tammy proves you don't need a crazy outfit when you've got mad skills," narrates Seacrest. Fo' shizzle.

Lesson 2: Seek Inspiration

Quick cuts. Taylor Hicks-inspired hairdresser nut from Week One. Gay boy inspired by Fantasia. Jonathan Jaymes, friend of the infamous Bush Baby, inspired by Taylor Hicks. Other inspiritors include Christina Aguilera, David Hasslehoff, and, um, William Hung.

Meet pool boy Paul Kim, 25. In an interview, he explains that while he's not "hating on" William Hung, he wants to show that there are many talented Asian people out there who just don't get any play on TV. True that. He sings If I Ever Fall in Love by Shai. Wow...the voice coming out of his head does not match his looks. It's all deep and sexy. Paula and Olivia Newton-John pay close attention to Paul. Close attention. Randy and Olivia vote "yes." Paula preambles enough for Simon to cut her off. "Yes or no?" She keep yip-yapping. He votes "yes," and Paul is Hollywood-bound. He should sing She Bangs at some point, just for a laugh.

Next is Jack Odanovich, 25, who was inspired by Bo's acapella performance from Season 4 of In a Dream . He's a goofy little goober, with giant ears and a healthy helping of the Nerd gene. Couldn't carry a tune across a room, but the kid is trying sooo hard. Simon calls Jack deluded, and Jack apologizes. "I will never, ever, ever give up," he interviews. Aim high, kiddo. This leads us to the next chapter of the night...

Lesson 3: Never Give Up

Montage of Repeat Auditioners from Previous Seasons. There's Brokeback Cowboy from last year. Random cute boy. Shrill girl who auditioned in Season Four. Forgettable boy from the other night, who got booted in Hollywood. Latino boy who "choked" in Hollywood. Simon doesn't remember the random cute boy (but could be persuaded, I'll bet...).

Finally, we meet Season Five's Gina Glocksen, 22. I don't remember her at all, but she auditions in Memphis this year, and the judges recognize her immediately. She's a tough-lookin' gal, with a red streak dyed into her hair. At first, I think her arms are covered in tattoos, but then I see that she's wearing a long-sleeved, flesh-colored, patterned shirt, under her brown tee. That immediately makes her less intense-looking for me, and I start reversing my first impression. She smiles and charms Simon, then sings the horrid Black Velvet . Gina has a rock voice in the way that this show defines "rock voice," and after another moment or two of trashing-talking Gina's crush on Simon, she's put through to Hollywood.

After the break, Seacrest narrates that "Gina has just shown us that flattery will get you everywhere." This leads into a Montage of Freakazoids Kissing Ass. There's faux Mary Catherine Gallagher, flashing her "I Love Simon" panties. Girl dancing with cardboard Simon. Big ol' Sparkles from the other night, telling Simon he's cute while licking her Jabba the Hut lips.

Then, randomly, a bunch of people verbally attack Randy, including crying Jasmine from last night, Jacob the Wolf Boy, also from last night, and the truly awesome Brandy "Ruffish Smuffish" Patterson, bleepity-bleeping to infinity and beyond.

Last in this clip package are a mix of Paula's admirers, including an emotionless giant girl in red, a creepy sweater-vest stalker boy, and that roly-poly guy from a few weeks back, who called his wife a bitch on TV.

All this leads to the introduction of Paula Abdul super-fan, Edward Sanchez. He dances for the camera like a one-man glee club. Then, at judging, he gushes over Paula, saying he watched her "since he was small," and references MC Skat Kat from the Opposites Attract video. Paula gets up to give the kid a hug and a kiss, then he sings Donna in a jigsaw puzzle of notes. Paula thanks him for coming down and professing his love for her "and the cat." He's obviously not going to Hollywood, but he made Paula's day, with all the fanboy love he's given her. Edward leaves, happy to have met his (allegedly) drunken goddess.

Next is a Montage of People Willing to Give Up Their Jobs in Favor of Fame. We see some people on location at work: a highway repair guy, a lady cop, a hairdresser, a cubicle kid. One doofus looks at the camera and says "I'm a hillbilly." I wonder what that pays. Seacrest tells us that before last season, Ace Young (who? ) worked on a roof. And this year, he's...doing what, exactly? Chris Daughtry worked at a car shop. Okay, at least his CD is selling well. And Kellie Pickler was a rollerskating waitress. I think she released a CD, too. She was on The View a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't pay any attention to her, but I vaguely recall her plugging something. I don't get the point of this segment. It seems to be saying that if you're doing something now, then get famous, you won't do that thing anymore. Unless you're Ace Young, maybe. What a profound insight.

Ugh. Cue location footage of three roller-waitresses: Heather Rennie 20, Ashley Cleland, 17, and Ebony Jointer, 23. They look like Mean Girls circa 1955, and I take an immediate dislike to all three. You ever see that MTV show called My Super Sweet 16 ? That's the vibe they're putting out. Anyway, the point of them, if there can truly be one, is...

Lesson 4: Audition On Your Own

...and not as part of a group. Ashley, the big blonde, wants to try out because, "hey, American Idol ...I'm American." That as good a qualifier for this show as any. Ebony, the tall black girl is "determined to prove something to all the people that ever doubted me." Then she'll destroy them slowly and painfully. And Heather, the little one, admits that they know they'll be split up eventually, but "we'll be cheering on each other all the way." And also hating on each other, with possibly some Tonya Harding kneecap action thrown in for good measure.

The three enter judging together, in their '50s-style waitressing uniforms, complete with rollerskates. Heather goes first, singing God Bless the Broken Road. You know, if you combine that song with Jesus Take the Wheel, nobody lives. Heather would sound great singing in a high school musical at five bucks a ticket, but ain't nobody gonna buy a CD with her name on it. Next is Ashley, singing Angel by Sarah McLachlan for all of thirty seconds while somehow managing to bore me for a lifetime. Decent voice, though. Ebony is last, singing Whitney Houston's I Believe in You and Me with fire in her eyes. Her voice, admittedly, is fabulous. "You can sing the phone book and it wouldn't matter," says Simon.

"Are you guys all friends?" Randy wants to know. What, does he think they all coincidentally wore the exact same clothes? And skates?

"Were," Simon answers. Ha! So true. Because somebody is gonna get the Effie White treatment right now, Heather. She gets a "no" from all the judges, including Olivia Newton-John. Ashley is half-heartedly voted through to Hollywood, with the bonus feature of Paula telling her she should ease up on the makeup, because she looks like a trampy whore who fell into a mixing vat at Maybelline. Paula is actually nice about it. But...

"My motherly advice... " bitches Heather. See? Mean girl!

The judges howl, and Simon applauds her snarky retailiation. I guess I do, too, dammit.

Ebony gets a quadruple "yes," and is going to Hollywood. As she and Ashley cheer, Heather skates off to camera left, where she'll have a baby out of wedlock, go on welfare, and attempt an uplifting comeback while Jamie Foxx tries to sabotage her.

After the break, Seacrest lists the season-ending songs that the winners released as singles: A Moment Like This, Flying Without Wings, I Believe, Inside Your Heaven, and Do I Make You Proud. Collect 'em all--they make excellent coasters! This year, they're launching a songwriting contest, in which we, the American public, can submit our own composition. The winning Idoleer will record it. Or sing it on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. Or something. Go to the website, Seacrest says. Eff off, I say. I'm trying to watch the program.

And now a Montage of Sucky People Singing Their Own Sucky Songs. Faithon Gooding, stuck in a time loop, sings the words "do it to ya" over and over and over again. Melissa Ferlaak performs her dreadful, operatic Flow This Desert, which I'm sure is about lady parts. Brandon Reid, Super-Geek, beat-boxes, dances like a robot and sings Talk to Me (Baby Girl) . He's all sorts of awesome, and I exempt him from the title of this montage.

Then, strutting down the street, comes bald-headed WES. That's William Emil Samland III, 28, if you must know. He's wearing an ill-fitting canary yellow silk shirt, and tells us that he's "working on an album that's near completion now." Then he folds his arms like I Dream of Jeannie. Unfortunately, he doesn't blink out. WES is "ready to rock," and sings his own Don't Worry, Don't Hurry.

He acts out the song with grand hand gestures (miming "throwing in the towel," for example), and then claps and stomps with intensity, keeping the beat to the music playing in his mind. I really want to know what that sounds like, because this guy, clearly, is hearing something in that Astrodome head of his. To be honest, I kinda like the song. It's stupid, but catchy.

WES tells the judge he thought his performance was great. "I feel the music inside me," he says.

Randy says, "At least you got it all out." This cracks Paula's shit straight up. WES gets the boot.

The point of that segment was...I dunno. It wasn't part of Lesson 4, that was the group thing. And Lesson 5 hasn't happened yet. Guess that's what people mean when they say something's neither here nor there. Because this segment went nowhere.

Lesson 5: Shake Your Moneymaker?

Set to the tune of Everybody Dance Now, we see everybody dancing now. Spinning breakdancer guy. Karate kid. Backflipping girl. Soon-to-be stripper chick, dancing and almost breaking the judges table. Man in a suit, losing his afro wig. Brokeback Cowboy deadpanning, "I don't dance." There's Seacrest, wigglin' his be-hind in the middle of a bunch of plus-size ladies. Bush Baby does his N Synch thing (again). Eventually, we come full circle to a clip of Paula and MC Skat Kat.

Let's meet Alex Nazario, 28. At first glance, I thought he was a girl. He's wearing a tight red shirt, and his long curly hair is tied back in a ponytail, and...yeah, I thought he was a girl. Then he opens his mouth, and it's a guy, but I find I wasn't too far off the mark. Alex is "from Nashville, Tennessee, and Puerto Rico." Guess he was born on the border? I'm not good with geography.

At judging, Alex dances in a very skillful, but grossly unflattering way that some boys do when, in terms of masculinity, they're...well, neither here nor there. I'm not trying to be evil, honest! Alex bends this way and that, and gives Paula the credit for inspiring him. He sings Making Love Out of Nothing At All by Air Supply. Yes, Air Supply. And he sounds like Charo.

Alex says he practices three hours a day, does vocal warm-ups, the works, but he can't afford a teacher. Randy advises that Alex pursue work in a theme park. I'd amend that to include "as a dancer." Further, I'd amend that to include "in a costume." Simon just thought the whole thing was a nightmare and reality checks Alex with, "You'll never be a good singer." He gets a "no" from all three judges. Paula, very sweetly, gets up and hugs him. Just as the kid is leaving, Randy calls him back to shake his hand, which was also very nice to see. Simon just sits there, a sour puss.

Post break, it's...

Lesson 6: Clarity

Under the montage banner of "Name That Song," we see a skinny blond guy screaming out Let's Stay Together as if the song were a kidney stone, a lifeless zombie girl hi-pitching through John Denver's Annie's Song, and last night's Sandie Chavez, gargle-gurgling Chantilly Lace.

Then we meet Lakisha Jones, 26, telling us that her voice "is not a talent, it's a gift." We see her in the hall, with her three-year-old daughter, whom Lakisha says is her life. They're there for "a new beginning." She enters judging, a full-figured gal in a flowing orange top and black-and-white print skirt that somehow works, and belts out Aretha Franklin's Think. She's a little loud, but the girl has pipes! And personality! Simon, Carol Bayer-Sager, Paula, and Randy love her to death. To Hollywood she goes.

And it all comes down to this. One final montage of Audition 07's Greatest Hits. Highlights include...

Fakity Fake Girl, who made up that nonsense about her father hating her and how she "ran away" to audition and he was totally, like "whatever, good for you" but she cried anyway because she's full of shit. Skinny Fidel Castro guy, who will be scary-hot once he gets a Beauty and the Geek makeover. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre mom and daughter, posing with the tasty meal that is Ryan Seacrest. Urban Amish. Bush Baby (again! ). Some girl putting her wig on Ryan's head (new footage, that). Cowardly Lion chick. My girl Brandy! Disinvited Akron's cousin, William, fake-shouting at the judges. Phuong Pham doing her spazzy Taylor Hicks dance. Gross Margaret Fowler showing her nasty belly and making vomiting noises. The Taylor Hicks hairdresser (again!). Sherman Pore, 64, who sang for his dead girlfriend. Super-Nutty Chick, hysterically shouting "Look at me, I'm UNIQUE!!! " And on and on.

Next week, the much-too-short Hollywood episodes. We'll see tears, for sure. Hopefully, some fighting. Maybe some nudity? Okay, probably not. But if the ratings ever start to slip...

See you in seven!
--Frank