American Idol 2/6/07 Texas

There's No Basement at the Alamo, But There Are Jail Cells in San Antonio

by Frank Pittarese

Little Man Seacrest greets us on location at the Alamo. "We all know the phrase, 'Remember the Alamo,' but will this place be remembered for its talent?" Let's see...the site of an historical battle vs. the site of a bunch of no-talents wanting to get face time on reality TV. I'll have to get back to you on that one, Seacrest. "There's only one way to find out. This is American Idol."

Credits abandon us in the thick of the San Antonio night to find the auditioning hordes lying unconscious, all over the street. Have they all been struck dead by some higher power? Nah. Fools are just asleep. They're practically on top of one another, looking like the aftermath of the Jonestown Massacre. Ya know, I can't think of a single thing outside the promise of hot sex with a famous celebrity (or homelessness) that would get me to willingly lay down and sleep on the dirty sidewalk. Sidewalks are for craps, not for naps.

Various never-to-be-seen-agains tell us they've traveled from as far away as Kansas, Florida, and South Carolina. I might, might be inclined to take a twenty-minute subway ride across town...but that's it. Guess I ain't got no ambition. As the sun rises, the mob comes to life, yelling, screaming, and doing typically obnoxious stuff. Eleven thousand people are packed into the Alamo Dome to the tune of Rawhide, which they then sing aloud. Who the hell knows the words to that song?

It's implied that the judges have arrived late, though I never really believed they show up on time in the first place. Simon, we're told, just flew in from London and has jet lag. Gee, I hope that doesn't affect his usually cheerful demeanor.

Auditioneer Number One is Bryan Kyrish, 27, who interviews that "Paula, Randy, and Simon put on one leg in their pants, just like everybody else, so I'm not afraid." I’m afraid of where those extra legs might be. Bryan says that in school, the teachers loved him or they hated him. I'll go ahead and choose hate right now, since Bryan seems to be okay with it. He's been told that, when singing, he sounds like Billy Idol, Ozzy Osbourne and AC/DC (isn't he dead?). Seacrest asks Bryan, who looks like the kinda guy who'd get the top bunk on Prison Break, if he's "an aggressive performer." Because Ryan, in his fitted pink shirt, is the kinda guy who'd get the bottom bunk on Prison Break. Bryan essentially confirms that he is a top. Seacrest titters like a schoolgirl.

Judging. Bryan tells Simon that he won a "Mock Idol" competition. Hey, I mock this show all the time, and I've never won anything. What gives? He sings Rebel Yell. Imagine a teenager, alone in his room, playing air guitar while screaming along to this song at the top of his lungs. That's what Bryan sounds like, minus the air guitar, but with the added choreography of dropping to his knees with a bone-crunching slam loud enough to make Paula flinch. He's so loud that he looks ready to pop a vessel.

Paula wants to know if his voice hurt. Or his knees. Then everybody gives him a "no." Outside, Seacrest says, "If we're looking for a ballad singer, it's not you." Then he coaxes Bryan into singing a love ballad. Beauty and the Beast?

"I'll be Beastie," says Seacrest.

Every time I think this show has reached the highest of gay heights, it climbs another rainbow. Bryan mimics his version of the Ozzy Osbourne/Lita Ford classic If I Close My Eyes Forever, which, as a kid, I thought was a song about vampires. Seacrest never loses eye contact, but they both end up laughing and patting each other in a manly fashion. Bryan takes his leave.

Next is Haley Scarnato, 24. She's a cute, straight-haired brunette, dressed in a one-piece black pants suit/halter top. It's very Charlie's Angels, so I give her points for making it work. She's been singing for nine years in a wedding band, and is pleasant, cheerful, and optimistic. At judging, Paula immediately questions the outfit, and Haley says she got it at "one of those hootchie stores." I think she means Macy's. She handshakes the judges, then sings Bonnie Raitt's I Can't Make You Love Me. Her voice is nice, and you can see Randy and Simon evaluating Haley as a package.

Paula and Randy liked her vocal control. Simon liked her looks and her voice, but felt she wasn't unique. Still, he thinks she deserves a second chance. They all think she deserves a second chance. Haley is second chanced to Hollywood.

After the break, we meet Jasmine Holland, 22, who was encouraged to audition by her mom. Mom, and two Mystery Supporters are holding a sign as Seacrest chats them up. The signs reads: "Jasmine's Are Next American Idol!" Hee! And also, awww. Mom says Jasmine sings in a gospel choir and has been wanting to sing ever since she was seven. Jasmine seems like a sweet kid, so I can't really go after her. That doesn't stop the judges. Simon and Randy are giggling from the minute she enters judging.

Jasmine sings Nobody's Supposed to Be Here by Deborah Cox. The girl can't sing. Her voice is a more than a little sharp, no note matches the one that follows, and you can barely understand her. The boys chuckle right in her face. Randy chokes on his water. Paula says that Jasmine seemed sad, and Jasmine goes defensive, calling the judges out on their rudeness. "You don't know anything about me." That's a familiar track. Simon, justifiably, points out that Jasmine is here because she volunteered, but Jaz's feelings are hurt, and girlfriend ain't tryin' to hear that.

All the judges say her audition wasn't good, but Randy sort of last-words it, so Jasmine turns on him. "What do you do?" He tells her what he does, which is, you know, make records. Jasmine is all, "Well I never heard of you till American Idol came," and while I do feel her pain, she should bear in mind that if we only take Randy's six years of Idol/pop culture fame and hold it against Jasmine's six years of nothing...well...Jasmine needs to stop speaking.

In the hall, she cries because she's hurt. To be fair, she didn't want to be there in the first place. Her mom pushed her. So to be treated like a joke isn't fun. But still, if she's seen the show before... Mom says that Simon "needs to go back to--where he from? French?"

"He's British," Seacrest says.

"He needs to go back to British," says Mom. Love it.

Next up is Baylie Brown, 16, a little blonde Barbie doll from Krum, Texas (population: 1542, which is less than the number of people at today's audition). She sees herself as a city girl, stuck in a small town, and location footage shows her home life. Baylie lives on a ranch with seven horses, two lambs, two cats and about "twelve steers that they rope off of." I don't know if that's a breeding thing or a riding thing. Could go either way. Her parents are interviewed in their living room, so obviously, this girl is going to Hollywood. They tell us Baylie's style isn't country at all. She's into fashion and wears high heels. To her credit, she looks terrific. Not tacky or over/underdressed. Good eye on her.

At judging, she sings Faith Hill's Stronger. Isn't Faith Hill a country singer? I'm just sayin'. For a kid, she's got a solid voice. Pretty. Simon says she's born to be a pop star. She looks great, great personality, great, great, great. "You're commercial with a capital C," he says. Baylie doesn't know if that's good or bad. Hee. The three judges love her to death, more because of The Package than Baylie's actual talent. Off to Hollywood she shockingly goes.

After a fairly hilarious Montage of People Trying to Exit the Locked Side of the Judging Room's Double Doors (which has been a running gag all season and is funnier than you might think), we meet cousins Akron Watson, 23 and William Green, 25. Akron is the little one, and reminds me of Raj from What's Happening, minus the glasses and obnoxious sister. William is the big one who, at first, I think is blind. But no, he's just wearing sunglasses. They live together, and Akron says they're exact opposites. He's Bruce Banner, and William is the Incredible Hulk. They buddy-movie through their interview and are very likeable, if not doomed to failure. Both guys are unemployed with no source of income. So why not hang your hopes on this one-in-a-million competition?

William is first at judging. He sings Amazing Grace, so low and off-key that it's like he's haunting a house. Randy dies from laughing, Paula gets the giggles, and eventually, even Cowell can't keep a straight face. William explains that he's there with his cousin, but admits that his cousin is better. The judges laugh, giving him the full-scale "no." As he prepares to leave the room, though, William turns back to the judges and says, he's "gonna walk out the door and talk some trash back, but that's just for the camera." The judges encourage him to do his thing.

In the hall, we see "angry" William exit as Akron looks on. "Don't make me come back in there and tell y'all again!" he shouts. "Y'all better learn what good singin' is!" This cracks the judges right up. A concerned Akron comforts his cousin, who is a much better actor than he is a singer.

Akron takes his turn, explaining that he couldn't hear William's audition, but he saw what happened at the door. Akron will sing Sam Cooke's A Change is Gonna Come. He sounds good. Like...Sam Cooke, actually. Simon was bored. Paula thought his voice was a nice surprise. Akron is worried because he didn't want Simon to be bored, so Paula tells him to "do something to make him not bored." Because I think literally, I'd try to dance or recite a bawdy limerick. Akron does the smart thing and sings again. This time it's Let's Get It On. Very good! Simon likes his voice, and the judges welcome him to Hollywood--except he's not going.

TMZ broke the news today that Akron has been "disinvited" from the Hollywood round, possibly because the producers found out about his drug arrest back in 2003. It's only for misdemeanor pot possession, but we all know how this show likes its Idols to be pure.

Anyway, after commercials, Seacrest is still on location, reminding us of the phrase "remember the Alamo," which he already did about 40 minutes ago. Try to keep up, Ryan. Anyway, his point is to lead into a Super-Short Montage of Suck.

Here's Larissa Curry, 19, dressed in the colors of ice cream sherbet and howling like her va-jayjay is on fire. There's Deborah Tyler, 18, looking high school Goth while windmilling her arms to Vogue. The end.

Next up is Sandie Chavez, 21. In an interview with Seacrest, she says her voice is "bluesy" and "soulful-sounding." She sings at parties, talent shows, and two years ago, she sang for the mayor of Houston. Full of confidence and good cheer, Sandie puts a hand to the non-existant speaker in her ear, and performs Alannah Myles icky Black Velvet for the judges. She sounds like she's drowning, and seems to have lost the ability to pronounce consonants. The judges giggle, and afterwards, Simon says he couldn't understand a word. "It was literally like some language I've never heard in my life."

Randy laughs as Simon asks if Sandie's performance was serious. In 1.5 seconds, her face breaks apart into a bajillion pieces. Guess that answers the question, Cowell. Randy "awws," because he feels bad after laughing in the girl's face. Sandie cries as Paula and Simon play good cop. Randy: "It really wasn't good, dear." Paula: "You're a teacher? Teaching is a wonderful thing. Maybe that's something you should be grateful for doing." Sandie tells of singing for the mayor of Houston.

"Did he like it?" Simon asks.

"Yes, he did." Sandie says.

"Well, we went to Houston one year," Simon sighs, under his breath and with a slight eye-roll. It's pretty hilarious delivery from Cowell, and got a good laugh out of me. Paula spins her chair around to face the back wall. It got a good laugh out of her, too. Anyway, it's no to Hollywood, and Sandie rides out in a kayak, floating on a river of her own tears.

Enter the beautiful Ashlyn Carr, 18, who was beaten up in high school because she had a good voice. Some "big girl" knocked her head into the floor. Evil! She sings Feeling Good by Nina Simone, but she'll do the Michael Buble version, for whatever that's worth. Ashlyn's voice...I like it. She does a weird thing where she slurs words, but it seems intentional, like she's trying to sex up the song (which, yeah, I'm sure it's the Buble version). Unfortunately, she also makes Great Big Constipated Face as she sings, and it undermines her performance in every conceivable way.

The judges are confused. They like her unique voice, but her face...her mannerisms. Paula advises Ashlyn to sing in the mirror and take a good look at herself. Simon says she needs a vocal coach. Randy says, "It's almost like there's more attention paid to the affectations and the faces than the song and the melody." He and Paula vote no, and as Ashlyn leaves, Simon calls out to her, saying he would've voted "yes." I think he's just trying to make her feel better.

Ashlyn in the hallway, crying in the arms of her family. Ashlyn recapping for Seacrest. Ashlyn leaving the building. Simon saying, "I think we made a mistake with that girl." Um...pardon? Randy saying, "Yeah, let's get her back in." Er...say what, now?

She's fetched from the street, and Seacrest sends her back into judging. Her family is thrilled. Ashlyn composes herself and stands before the judges, telling them she understands their comments. She sings Inseparable, which sounds like a Natalie Cole song and...yep, it is. Thanks, Google! This time around, and with no small effort, I'm sure, Ashlyn keeps her crazy-face under control and gets her words out. She sounds pretty good.

Simon, feeling his enormous man-boobs as he speaks (seriously, he is feeling them up like cantaloupes...rub, rub, squeeze, rub), tells Ashlyn she's got some bad habits to break, but she's unique, like an old-school Dionne Warwick. The judges agree, and unanimously vote her through. Ashlyn struts out, thrilled to be going to Hollywood--except she might not be going.

TMZ also broke the news this morning that Ashlyn was arrested in August for pouring sugar into her ex-boyfriend's gas tank. There's even a pretty little mug shot of her posted on the site. No word, though, on if she, like Akron, has been heave-hoed from Hollywood.

Jacob Tutor, 21, is next. With his buggy eyes and patchy excuse for a beard, this one looks like a werewolf caught in permanent mid-transformation. He says his nickname is "Jake the Snake" as we see him shaking his little white groove thing for the cameras. Jacob, dressed in his AV Club finest, enters judging and listlessly sing-speaks an unidentified song that has a vague Metallica quality to it.

"I think you need to be in a very dark bedroom when you sing that song," Simon says. And I think he means because it's so depressing, but maybe he's making fun of Jacob's Halloweenie looks. Hollywood is a no-go.

In the hallway, Seacrest interviews Jake, who says that Simon can kiss his ass, Randy can shut up and f**k off, Paula is beautiful, but can f**k off, too. "But you like me?" Seacrest wants to know, and on the outside, he's joking, but y'all know how important it probably is to Ryan that everyone likes him. It's cool, though. Jacob is pro-Seacrest. "You're awesome," Jake says.

Last for the night is the husky, soft-spoken, and very likeable Jimmy McNeal, 23. He sings a combo of Sam Cooke's Another Saturday Night and Cupid to the delight of the judges. He's great. Best I've heard all night. Simon nails it when he says, "Well done, Jimbo. You're like a little fun Ruben (Studdard), aren't you?" Jimmy gets his golden ticket, no muss, no fuss.

In the hallway, two women--family members, maybe--scream and jump on Jimmy, as Seacrest holds a little girl of about six-years-old in his arms. When the dust settles, he suggests Jimmy "explain to the little one what just happened."

"I'm goin' to Hollywood," he says.

"So?" she deadpans, because little kids can see ghosts and also right through reality TV foolishness.

To laughter all around, Seacrest announces that San Antonio is done and that 22 people made it through to Hollywood. And while the auditions are officially over, tomorrow night we'll see the best of the best and the worst of the worst in a "special show" featuring previously-unaired segments.

Next week, finally, Hollywood!
--Frank