American Idol 1/29/07 Alabama Auditions

Dawn of the Dull

by Frank Pittarese

People, I'm tellin' ya right now...this episode was craptastic, and not in a good way. Strap yourselves in. It's gonna be a grumpy ride.

Amidst a crowd of onlookers and auditioneers, Seacrest informs us that we're in Birmingham, Alabama. "Some people call this Idol Country," he says, because this is the hometown of Bo Bice, Ruben Studdard, and Taylor Effing Hicks. "So we figured this year we'd stop and see what the hype is all about...this is American Idol." Credits.

Shots of Birmingham. There's Bo Bice stepping off a plane, shouting "Sweet home, Alabama!" Bo, for those of you who don't know (or care, but I'll tell you anyway), came in second to Carrie Underwood a couple of seasons ago. He was better than she, but she had that whole pretty Christian girl thing going on, so she got more votes. Anyway, Bo gets off a plane. Ruben Studdard embraces a large group of small children as he prepares to consume them, and Taylor... Whatever, they show Taylor.

Clips of the crowds. Thousands show up for the slaughter. The usual opening episode schtick. It would be news if they gave an audition and nobody came. You know, like on Grease: You're the One That I Want. Birmingham Mayor Bernard Kincaid appears, dressed in his Sunday finest: a baseball cap that reads "MAYOR" and a sports jersey of some sort. If the dress code in Birmingham is that relaxed, maybe I should pursue a political career there. Mayor Kincaid tells us that Birmingham is "the place where Idols are born." And where fashion goes to die.

The judges arrive and meet and greet the crowd. Simon says with a hint of amazement, "No one's ever welcomed us before. This is a first." Yeah, Cowell, maybe that's because all three of you usually sneak in the back way. We see the arrival footage every week, genius.

We open with auditioneer Erica Skye, 19. She gyrates her girl-bits in every direction to the delight of the boys in the waiting area. Erika is pretty, with an impressive head of blonde curly hair, but as the first contestant of the night, she can't be any good. If her singing career doesn't work out, she says she plans on working in the dental field. Just like Hermie from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. She'll sing Unchained Melody, because she heard it's one of Simon's favorite songs. It is. And it's one of my least favorites, what with all the wailing. I just can't handle it. So don't ever sing it for me, any of you. Understood?

Erica sings for the judges. I can hear how, in her head, Erica thinks she sounds good. But from the outside, it's just loud and, well, wailing. Her family listens at the door. She forgets the words for a second. She sings half the song in an effort to hurt me. "Erica, it was like a never-ending torture...you're an absolutely hopeless singer." This from Simon. In the grand tradition of this season, Erica bursts into another song; some country thing. Her voice is somewhat piercing, and her volume is out of pocket.

Paula, who's already fighting the DTs, gets up from her seat and flees to the far side of the room, as if Erica has revealed herself as a suicide bomber. She stands there, like a lost soul, while Erica just goes on and monotonously on. At last, all three judges "no" her out the door. Paula mumbles "unbelievable" under her breath, and Erica dismisses the group with a gesture she makes by brushing her shoulder, like she's ridding herself of dandruff.

"What's that mean?" Simon wants to know.

"It means," says Paula, and I'm guessing due to the bleepage, "Go f**k yourself."

Outside, Erica wishes the judges had been nicer, to which I say, as always, watch the show! These leads into a Montage of Crying Rejects. Boy in Green Shirt, Halter Top Girl, etc. Finally we settle on Katie Bernard.

Katie, 19, explains that her "talking voice is a little higher pitched." In actuality, she sounds like she's about six. "I lot of people [on the phone] think I'm like, three years old." Never let it be said that I'm not generous. She sings A House is Not a Home, and it's a little all over the place for me. She's growly, then her voice goes soft. She gestures queerly. Still, she manages to sound like an adult of some kind.

Randy wants her to lose her affectations, and Katie swears she won't talk like a little girl anymore. He gives her a "yes." Simon says "no." Paula tells Katie, who just got married, that she should focus on her husband. Cue Husband to get hauled into the room. Paula stands up and shifts from foot to foot, with her hands on her hips. Is she sizing up Husband? He looks pretty solid, but based on his hot pink polo shirt with the upturned collar, I think Paula can take him. Anyway, there's enough lighthearted begging an pleading that you know Paula will say "yes" ten minutes before it happens. Katie is through to Hollywood, where she'll get cut in the first week and cry on camera.

After the break, Seacrest reminds us of the superstar magic of Birmingham. Again. "The talent's gotta be the best of the best today...right?" Intro Tatiana McConnico, a cute little girl who feels that singing is what she was born to do. We see her walking around with her family, full of the love and the togetherness. "This is the biggest thing I've done in my life. All seventeen years of my life," she interviews with a giggle.

Tatiana sings I Never Loved a Man, which I know from The Commitments soundtrack, but which predates that movie by a decade or two. She's got that soulful Aretha thing going on, and I think she oversings the song a bit (it should be more subtle and sexy, but then again, she's 17). Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood. More family love in the hallway.

Next we meet Diana Walker, a large girl wearing a fugly pink and black dress that is way too tight for her, accented with a pink sequined glove, with the fingers exposed, ala Michael Jackson. It's like the result of a Project Runway challenge where all you can use for material are bad memories. I want to hate on her, on the general principle of tackiness, but she's got a neat personality, joking about how she was a cheerleader in high school and she was the base of the pyramid.

"So you could do splits?" Ryan asks eagerly. He looks like the cheerleader boy type (in every possible regard).

"I could do splits," Diana laughs.

She belts out Saving All My Love by Whitney Houston, and it's close to unrecognizable. Simon asks what sort of reaction her singing usually gets, and Diana replies with "a standing ovation."

"When they stand, do they exit really quickly?" asks Randy. He's such a caution.

Diana laughs right along with the judges, which is wonderful to see. So many people come here and carry on as if getting eliminated is tantamount to going to the electric chair. So good for Diana. She thanks the judges and leaves.

After the break, we meet Bernard Williams II, 26, a Birmingham native. Birmingham is home to Bo Bice, Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks. This knowledge will carry you far in life, so never forget it. Bernard wants to be the next Birmingham Idol winner. He sings Michael Jackson's Rock With You, and...what's this? He sings it like a boy! There's not a hint of the MJ falsetto, no moonwalking. Just a nice voice singing a crap song. Simon gives Bernard a "one hundred percent yes," but Paula, surprisingly (or not, since Bernard didn't flirt with her) says he was completely off key and gives him a firm "no." Randy gets the deciding vote. Bernard is going to Hollywood. I can see him in the semi-finals of, whatever, twenty kids? But I don't think he's F12 material.

Now it's time for The Character. The Character is the person who shows up for auditions, wastes everyone's time with nonsense, and then ends up on the clip shows all week long. Tonight, The Character is Margaret Fowler. She appears to the sound of the Sesame Street theme tune, because Margaret is dressed in a homemade, yellow-feathered top, with a hat to match, essentially looking like she killed Big Bird and is using his skin to get through the winter months. Margaret claims to be 26 years old, which is clearly a crock. She's 42 if she's a day. She waddles her massive self through the waiting room, lifting and opening her top to reveal a great, big jiggle-belly, squeezed under the waistband of a pair of stretch pants. This whole thing...ugh...why am I even entertaining it? It such a producer-driven manipulation to create water cooler talk.

At judging, nobody buys the "26-year-old" thing. She lifts up her shirt again, to reveal her number on her ginormous waist. Then she sings some unidentified song. Simon calls her "a nightmare experiment" and asks for her real age. After some playing, she cops to 50. The judges applaud and thank her, and she leaves. Good.

Post-commercial, it's Montage of People Who Got Through to Hollywood. Or, to be specific, Montage of Pretty Girls Who Got Through to Hollywood. That's the perfect segue for pretty, perky Jamie Lynn Ward, 17, who looks all kinds of jailbaitish, in a tight t-shirt that reads "Blue-Eyed Bombshell." All we can see is "Blue-Eyed ombshe." Comprende?

Okay, so here's her story: Jamie lives with her grandma and her daddy. Daddy is paralyzed. Grandma can't take care of him by herself. If Jamie wins Idol, she wants to buy Grandma a one-level house, so she won't have to climb stairs. As for Daddy? The reason he's paralyzed is because he shot himself in the neck--after he found his wife cheating on him. And, by the by, he shot his wife, too.

Usually, this would be Sob Story time, but Jamie shares this information with the judges very matter-of-factly, not looking for sympathy, but just telling the story. All three listen, dumbfounded, and Jamie ends up reassuring them. "It's okay," she says more than once. This is what life dealt her, folks, and girlfriend is stepping up. She's got a bit of Kellie Pickler happening, but imagine Kellie with some smarts--and more talent, as evidenced when Jamie sings Christina Aguilera's Reflection. With minor criticisms (she's "too nasal" and should work on it), Jamie is through to Hollywood.

The final auditioneer of Birmingham: Day One is Chris Sligh, 28. Chris is a round little guy, who wears glasses and has a big head of Sideshow Bob hair. Chris says some people tell him he looks like Jack Osbourne (true) or Jack Black (not so true), but when he looks in the mirror, he sees Christina Aguilera (yeah, I can see that). He's very engaging in his interview segment, talking about how he hopes he doesn't sound like crap.

As soon as he walks into judging, Simon says, "It's Justin Guarini." Season One's Justin, who also starred in the classic movie musical From Justin to Kelly, also sported the Sideshow hair. Chris tells them he's there to make David Hasselhoff cry, reminding them that the Hoff wept openly on live TV when Taylor won last year. The judges are pleased with Chris. He sings Kiss From a Rose by Seal, a song which I have never even vaguely been able to comprehend. "I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey." Tell me how that makes sense.

Anyway, Chris sings, and aside from some minor missteps (his attempt at falsetto is a little off, and nerves make him sound like a goat at the beginning), the judges love him. He's really what they're looking for, I think. A unique look, a unique sound, a good personality. See, on this show, the guys can be a little funny-looking and it's okay. If Chris were a chick, he'd get through to Hollywood, maybe, and then get the boot. Chris gets his golden ticket, as flashback to a shot of that crybaby, Hasselhoff.

The next day finds us down one judge. Paula couldn't make it because of a family obligation. I didn't know she was related to the Betty Ford Clinic! It's just Simon and Randy, and as much as I'd love to see them disagree over an auditioneer with no one there to cast a deciding vote, that doesn't happen. The boys get along fine. We see Randy exiting his limo and there's not a soul in sight. See what I mean about how they enter through the back door?

The theme music from The Addams Family helps introduce us to our first contestant, who, from behind, resembles Cousin Itt. Victoria Watson, 18, has long brown hair that goes all the way down to her feet. Let it be known right here and now, you girls (and boys, for that matter) with long, luxurious hair. It's not a good look, it's dirty, and you're a public menace. We see her outside with her hair blowing behind her in the wind. Imagine walking behind her. Menace. We see her sitting in a chair, waiting to audition. A few feet of hair rest on the ground in a great, big clump. Dirty. Then we see her mom, who also sports the same do. Not. A. Good. Look.

Mom brushes Victoria's hair, as she tells us that most people tell her she has a voice like a Disney character, citing Snow White as an example. Then she's interviewed by rogue dwarf Seacrest in the hallway. "What brings you hair?" he wants to know. She answers him with no reaction to his little pun, but giggles politely when he says "Hair we go..." I wonder how long it takes him to come up with this sort of comedy gold.

Victoria tells Simon and Randy that she's there because she thinks she can be a good role model and that she can touch people with her music. Better her music than her hair, because yuck! Simon, prompted with the knowledge that Mom is outside, asks Victoria to bring her in. General hair gabbery, then Victoria sings Josh Groban's You Raise Me Up. She really does sound like one of those Disney princesses...Belle or Jasmine. Very pretty, but very musical theater.

Her mom, who stood by her side the entire time, liked it. Simon says that he thought it was a "daughter-to-mum audition," meaning that he thinks only Vic's mother "will like it a lot." That's a little harsh, because while she's wrong for this competition, there's absolutely nothing wrong with her trying for a career in musical theater or even singing commercial jingles or cabaret. I've heard far worse at many a piano bar. Randy is nicer, but it's still no to Hollywood. The ladies leave. Tears in the hall.

Next we meet Lakia Hill, an adorable little 20-year-old, who will sing How Did You Get Here by Deborah Cox. Her voice is that police siren that wakes you at four in the morning. It's the smoke alarm that won't turn off. It's the needles that those Hostel guys stick in your eardrums, just for a laugh. "What the hell was that?" Simon wonders. Lakia says she was nervous. Simon tells her she probably has one of the worst voices they've heard in Birmingham. Lakia politely says, "Thank you."

Cue Montage of Polite Rejectees Saying "Thank You" to Simon's Evil Comments. Although, who the knows if it's even real. These could be producer rejects who never even made it to Simon.

Post-break, a quick Montage of Supportive Families takes us to Nichole Gatzman, 17. Her entire family is with her, sporting bright pink "Team Nichole" t-shirts. We get a brief shot of her stage mom before cutting to an interview segment with Nichole in the foreground and Team Nichole sitting in chairs behind her, listening. For the record, Nichole isn't wearing a tacky t-shirt. Her overuse of denim is questionable, but she looks like she's got her shit together. Anyway, she tells how, when she did pageants, she wanted to "do talents," and her mom said, "No, Nichole, you have no talent!" Mom and a random girl (possibly Sis) cover their faces in shame, while yet another girl down the row laughs her ass off. Anyway, Nichole did her talent, and everyone, Mom especially, I'm sure, was surprised that she could sing.

At judging, she sings Bonnie Raitt's Something to Talk About. Her voice is a little too low register at first, but as she gets into the song she sounds better. Not great. There's no great in this episode. Simon says, "You're very old fashioned and you sing through your nose." I don't see the former, but on playback I can kinda-sorta hear the latter. Randy thinks she needs to work harder, but that she should come back next year. Soft music and tears play us out to the final audition.

That final audition is opens with an all-out assault on the senses, as Brandy Patterson, 28, cackles madly at us through the TV screen. Her eyes get all buggy and she gestures in a way I can only describe as "witchy." She's much calmer in her interview segment, where she explains that she thinks she can be the next Idol (news!) and that she has an extraordinary voice (another shocker). She goes on to say, "When I walk into the room, the judges are gonna think 'where you been? We been waitin' on you.'" In a way, this is prediction is spot on.

She sings Madonna's Like a Virgin, which is always a queer choice. Mostly it's not a song designed to showcase one's vocal talents. It's bubblegum pop. Not that it matters in Brandy's case, as she tone-deaftly executes the song at point blank range. She stomps around and snaps her fingers and tries to be sexy, but it's a total "who are you kidding" situation.

Simon thanks her for a "rotten audition." So Brandy suggests that the wooden floor is the cause...of her...bad voice. What?!? Simon suggests she try auditioning while standing on the carpet. She does so, barefoot. This time opting for Proud Mary. It's a no-win sitch. Randy laughs right at her. Simon mocks her openly.

"You were hopeless on the wooden floor. You were even worse on the carpet," he bluntly states.

"No," she argues. "I was better on the carpet."

This leads into the standard "you don't know talent" rant, directed at Simon from Brandy. "Out you go," he says. She mocks it back at him.

"I don't want to hear any more of this rubbish, Brandy."

"Ruffish, smuffish!" she retorts. And I'm totally incorporating that expression into my everyday life, because it's brilliant. "I don't know why y'all even judgin', 'cause Paula better than y'all, anyway."

"Call me," says Simon, blowing her a kiss.

"I don't wanna call you," Brandy says from the door.

Simon, with a twinkle in his eye, says, "Yes, you do." Back and forth like this till she's out the door and with Seacrest. Simon and Randy piss themselves laughing.

As Brandy is talking with Seacrest, Simon and Randy exit the judging room, and it starts again. Simon wants to know if Brandy's family is here. "Don't worry 'bout my family!" Randy wants to know if Brandy has love for him. "No, I don't! You a faker!" Simon does the phone gesture thing and tells her to call him. "I don't wanna call you!" Everyone's laughing, including Brandy, so it's a good time all around.

She tells Seacrest that she doesn't know what the judges are looking for, and from off in the distance, we hear Simon again. "We're not looking for you."

"Well, I don't want you lookin' for me, Simon, 'cause I sure ain't lookin' for you!"

He passes her on his return to the judging room. "I think you are," he faux flirts, and gets so caught up in the moment that he tries to enter through a locked door. Ha!

"You can't even go in the right door, so what you talkin' about?"

Things almost turn ugly when Randy tells her to have a good life, and Brandy tells him to take his "fat ass" back in the room.

And while I know I've devoted way too much time to this series of events, it's really the only thing of interest that happened in this entire episode. So thank you, Brandy Patterson, 28, for making my night.

In total, twenty people from Birmingham made it to Hollywood. Tomorrow night, it's on to Los Angeles. It's gotta be better than this, where the good were mediocre, and the freaks weren't freaky enough. There's still another week of auditions left to go, so let's all say a prayer.

Brandy gets the final word. "The people that won from previous shows didn't even hardly sound all that good. I can sing better than Taylor Hicks. And even Ruben. Ruben didn't even dance. All he did was stood up there and just sing songs, really. It was a waste of time coming here. It really was." Brandy, in your case, it certainly was not.

Ruffish, smuffish,
--Frank