American Idol 1/17/07 Seattle Auditions

Rainy Days and Idiots Always Get Me Down

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest wants to know what Seattle means to us. Ah...can't say I think about it much, Ryan. But what does it matter, he's not even listening to me. Instead he rattles off a bunch of facts about it being the birthplace of Jimi Hendrixs, the birthplace of grunge, and the place to be if you like wet weather. Cut to a bunch of people standing around in the rain, waiting for their chance to be abused and humiliated on national TV. Oh, yes. This is American Idol.

Post-credits, and Seacrest is still on his Seattle kick, still talking about rain. More people walk around with umbrellas. Many of them scream at the camera. Whatev. Cut to Brandon Groves, 26, telling us he is the next American Idol. This fool is dressed in an ill-fitting Uncle Sam costume. Does he really think the judges will put him through? I've asked this before, but do any of these buffoons ever watch this show? Apparently this buffoon does. He actually auditioned last season, dressed in his police uniform, singing one line from I Shot the Sheriff in an endless loop.

Simon obeys the producers and "remembers" him, then Brandon blesses us with his tuneless rendition of God Bless America. "You've gotta be kidding me," Paula says when he's finished. It's a triple bounce, and Brandon is sent packing. He's all disappointed, attributing his poor performance to nerves and not the fact that he has a wealthy lack of talent. Sure thing, Brandon.

Cut to local girl Jennifer Chapton, 23, a.k.a. "The Hotness." Suffice it to say the nickname must be a reference to her actual body temperature. Or maybe she likes to play with matches, because physically? Very not so much. Okay, she's a were-beast. Jennifer says she has her own unique sound, but she's been told she sounds a lot like Mariah Carey. And that would be entirely true if Mariah Carey were a singing sasquatch. As a poor man's Issac Hayes sings in the background, Jennifer explains that people started calling her The Hotness in high school because she has a spicy personality, which we shall experience in a moment. We also see her dancing and it's pretty damn gross. Think low-class stripper, then remove about half of that low class. There ya go.

Jennifer steps up and is immediately asked by Paula to remove the gum from her mouth. Had she left it in, she couldn't have sounded worse, I promise. She sings Tendoroni's I Want Your Love (which I think is called Baby I, for those of you now rushing to download it). Her voice is all breathy and off key. She warbles randomly and occasionally tosses in a "woo!" for color. Simon understates matters by calling it a terrible audition. Right away, Jennifer plays the "you don't know nuthin' about music" defense, shaking her head from side to side as she goes ghetto on him. Then she wants to sing something else, which she does, uninvited, till Simon stops her. "Why don't you get a job down in the port?" Is he saying she should go be a prostitute? Because she does have a certain Hookers at the Point quality. Her final thought as she leaves Seacrest is for Simon to kiss her ass.

Post-commericial. More rain footage. More wet people. A short montage of people being told they're not going to Hollywood. Simon tells a cute geek that he's ridiculous. "You're ridiculous," says the cute geek. Love!

Cue Sob Story music. Amy Salgado, 23, is a stay-at-home mom with a six-year-old son at home. Her husband wasn't supportive of her decision to audition, basically telling her he's wasting her time. That sounds really horrible, but we haven't heard her sing yet. Amy goes on about her husband and her life, then cries a river of boring until my TV shorts out.

Before she even starts singing, Amy tells the judges she has a cold. Here we go. She finally begins, and Amy couldn't hold a tune if it was on a tray. She pauses. "I'm sorry, I'm sick," she pity-parties, before asking for some water. Maybe they have the magic kind, with the special lo-cal talent-inducing carbonation. Nope. She drinks, she sings, and still, she sucks. She begs for another chance. She announces that she has a dry throat. "You could lie in a bath with your mouth open and it still wouldn't work," says Simon. She begs some more, then starts singing again. "Tone deaf!" hollers Randy. On she goes. Finally, Simon shouts "NOOOO!" Enough of this woman already. She's untalented, dull, and lacking in The Crazy. This segment goes on for generations, but finally, Amy leaves to face her husband's rendition of I Told You So (Now Where's My Dinner)?

Brief montage of no-talents. Bad Voice Girl. Incomprehensible Russian Chick-That-Looks-Like-A-Man. Screaming Guy. Ferris Bueller Crooner Kid. Eventually, we're introduced to a new speciman: Darwin "Misha" Reedy, 27, from Houston, Texas, monotones her story about trying out for Idol because it's a good way to show off your talents. We see her taping her audition number across one grossly enormous, low-hanging breast. Then we're introduced to her mom. They look almost exactly alike, except that Darwin has short frizzy super-bleached hair, and mom's long frizzy hair is dyed black. I don't think they own a toothbrush between them. Side by side and smiling, they look like members of the Hewett Family. Not that I'm being mean, you understand. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of my favorite movies.

Darwin explains her look and style as "sexy," and we're treated to a clip of her large, braless self dancing for the cameras. It's as gross as you might imagine, all thick lumps of flesh rolling to and fro, hips going here, tits going there. At judging, she tells them she's written a novella about a singing competition, with her mother's help. So the judges invite Mom in. Standing there together, they're a Saturday Night Live sketch waiting to happen. Or maybe a Kids in the Hall sketch that already has. They talk over each other and laugh and laugh as they secretly size up up Randy for the comfy loveseat he'll make if they can just get him down in their basement.

Audition time. God help me, Darwin sings Don't Cha by The Pussycat Dolls. This is so wrong. She sings likes she speaks, with very little inflection, as Mom, yuck, mouths the lyrics along with her. There's some dancing, but it's far less provactive (translation: less nauseating) than before. The judges reactions, of course, are unfavorable. After a failed and desperate attempt to sing Sweet Home, Alabama--and the usual lip service given to this being a case of bad nerves--the ladies pack up their chainsaws and return to the meat factory from whence they came. I'll say this for them, they leave in a cheerful state of mind.

It's still raining in Seattle. We get it, Seacrest. This time, we're treated to a montage of rejectees crying, interspersed with shots of auditioneers waiting in the rain, set to the tune of Milli Vanilli's Blame It on the Rain. Except it's a cover of Blame It on the Rain. Couldn't they afford the real thing? Don't cheap out on me now, Idol.

Next, we meet Thomas Daniels, 21, a tall, husky guy with an afro and some nifty sideburns. He's auditioned twice before, but it looks like third time's the charm. Thomas sings Arms of a Woman by Amos Lee. His voice is smooth and soulful. Paula beams from ear to ear. Simon loved the performance and the song choice. All three put him through to Hollywood, and I'm guessing he's Final 12 (unless his DUI and hit-and-run arrests, revealed today on the interweb, boot him from the competition).

Our next auditioneer is Melissa Stavros, 22. She's an odd-looking girl, mostly due to her poor choice of dress, which has pink mesh covering her arms and legs that give her the appearance of being sunburned over select portions of her body. Also, she's got some weird proportions going on--small head on a big frame--which, combined with the outfit, make her look like she's composed of extra parts. Simon even points this out when she enters the room. The sunburn thing, not the Frankenstein thing. In her interview segment, she's very likeable, talking about her fashion sense and her love of singing, and her personality carries through when she stands before the judges. At Randy's behest, she bursts into Baby Got Back, shamelessly, complete with dancing and booty-shaking. Melissa's a little bit awesome.

Her real song is Christina Aguilera's I Turn to You. I like the sound of her voice. It's nothing extraordinary and there's a gospel quality to it, but yeah...not bad. A massively sour note, though, derails her in a huge way, and she gets a triple thumbs down from the judges. That's a little bullshitty, because they've let worse through to Hollywood in the past, and it's not like Seattle is raining talent. I'd have given the girl a chance. In the hall, among family, friends, and Seacrest, Melissa says she sang like a goat. Yeah, she's a cool kid.

Sweet Christmas! Yes, it rains in Seattle! Am I missing something? Is this a strange event? Stop telling me about the weather. We never got this crap when Dunkleman was co-host.

Blake Lewis, 25, is a trendy-looking little guy with spiky hair. He's cute at first glance, but dives into Annoying Lake when he talks about winning a beat box competition and begins scatting all over the place (so to speak). Simon clearly doesn't like the kid from the get go. You can see it in his eyes. Blake sings Seal's Crazy and sounds fine, despite a couple of beat box tricks he does with his voice, pretending to be a record skipping. Randy liked it, especially the beat boxing, but thinks Blake chose the wrong song. All three vote him to Hollywood, but Simon has reservations. "I don't know if you're as good as you think you are," he says. Probably true.

"The audition process is disintegrating," Seacrest tells us. Apparently Seattle is a talent vacuum. And also, I've heard it rains there. Montage of Bad Auditions. People growl and howl and do bad Michael Jackson impersonations. David Mills, 21, looks like he sells The Watchtower and sings Lean On Me as if someone is burning the soles of his feet. People swear we haven't seen the last of them, that we'll see them in the spotlight someday, but "this has been a major wakeup call for me," says poor little David.

We're introduced to Shyamali and Sanjaya Malakar, siblings whose dad was a musician in India and is with them here today. They'll be auditioning individually, but they're adorable together, like a modern day Donnie and Marie. Please let them not suck.

Shyamali, 19, goes first, singing Summertime. She's a pretty girl with a pretty voice and a pretty healthy amount of confidance. She's marketable, I'd say, if not trend-setting. Simon feels she's nothing unusual, and would probably reject her, but "Squiddly and Diddley" say yes, so she's through to Hollywood, with an instruction to work on her showmanship. What does that mean? Should she ride a unicyle? Do magic tricks? We already know they don't like juggling.

Sanjaya, 17, is up next, with his moppy head of hair and big smile. He thinks he's not as good as his sister, and claims to be the shyer of the two. Sanjaya is inspired by Stevie Wonder, and sings Signed, Sealed, Delivered. His voice is great, especially for a kid his age, and the judges put him through to the next round. Seacrest wonders if competition with force the kids apart. Shut up, Seacrest.

After this mad rush of talent, we're back to the misfits. Cue Nick Zitzmann, 27. This unfortunate, fish-eyed soul is "a self-taught musician," and will sing Unchained Melody because he can hit all the notes, low and high. He co-workers encouraged him to audition because they…heard his instrumental tracks. Okay, then.

Nick is one of those people who I'm gonna have a hard time picking on. He's not a deluded, arrogant no-talent, but instead, seems to be one of those mixed up, guileless people who fall victim to the producers' whims. I can't really support that. So in short, he shows up full of enthusiasm, then sings horribly and for eons. Simon hurts the kid by telling him his singing was "almost non-human." That's funny when directed at the attention-hounds who want to be on TV, but this guy ain't that. So, no…I'm not having it. Nick leaves, more confused than ever, and Seacrest compounds things by asking when Nick will sing again. Essentially, Nick doesn't know. So Seacrest stares at him. And stares at him. Until it's painful. It's mean-spirited on a high school level.

In an interview segment, Nick, bless his heart, tell us he'll review the tape later to see what he can learn. "Could be that I'll just watch it and I'll scare myself."

Rudy Cardenas, 28, is the last contestant of the day (but unfortunately, not the episode). A pleasant chap, he sings Journey's Open Arms, which is an easy song to sing, till you hit that chorus and anything can happen, meaning that this audition has some suspense. He hits the note and nails it. Simon hates it, stopping him with a "no." Paula disagrees. "One million percent yes," she says. Randy hems and haws, reminding us that he played bass for Journey back in the day, before saying yes. Off to Hollywood Rudy goes.

Seattle: Day Two. It's not raining. Alert the media.

Montage of people ragging on Simon. Then we meet Kenneth Briggs and Jonathan Jayne, who found friendship while waiting on line. Okay, remember what I said about Nick a minute ago? This is Round Two, moreso in the case of Jonathan, but I'll get to him in a minute. I will say this much, both boys could very well be graduates from the Xavier Institute. (I may get on my soapbox once in a while, but I haven't gone totally soft.)

Kenneth, 23, is first. He's an odd little fellow, who claims to be compared to Justin Timberlake and Lance Bass. I see a Gollum-like quality, myself. He boasts about how he can win the competition and make Simon's jaw drop in shock. That last part is probably true. He (poorly) sings N Sync's Tearin' Up My Heart, but the beauty of it is that he (poorly) dances the exact choreography from the video, step for step and gesture for gesture, which…um…I must've seen it once at a friend's house or something. Anyway, it was ridiculous enough when N Synch did it. Here, it's too much, and the judges lose their shit.

Post-performance, Simon knocks Kenneth's singing and dancing, but then goes after the kid's looks. "You look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with those massive eyes. What are they called? Bush babies." Ha!! So evil, but the funniest thing I've heard tonight. The kid's eyes are a bit buggy. Anyway, Kenneth holds his ground and contains his obvious anger and hurt feelings, despite everyone laughing at him, and leaves to give Seacrest the recap.

Now it's Jonathan's turn. One look at Jonathan, 20, and you can tell he's…can I say special? Challenged, maybe? He says he's different. Fair enough. Then he says he has an amazing personality that we'll see if he gets put through. Jonathan sings God Bless America as loyal Kenneth listens at the door, arms and fingers crossed. Randy and Simon contain themselves, and Paula is attentive and patient as she lets the kid do his thing. Say what you will about her, but in moments like this, she's very kind and nurturing. Respect to Paula (and I'm talking to you, ladies of The View). "I appreciated your audition," she says. Then Simon lets Jonathan down gently.

Outside, talking to Seacrest, Jonathan says that if he got on the show, people would vote for him. And that's probably true, but for all the wrong reasons. Meanwhile, Kenneth interviews that, because Simon called him a monkey, Simon can kiss his ass. Rock on, Kenneth.

After the break, we meet Eric Chapman, hairdresser. Eric, 28??? (that's actually what it says, on screen) has grayish hair and does a Taylor Hicks impression, so you just know I'm going to love him and pray he gets picked. We see him at work, sharply dressed as he gives some lady a new do. It's a good haircut, at least. Back at auditions, he dances like Taylor. Ugh.

Standing before the judges, he says he'll be singing Dobie Gray's Drift Away, which he pretty much shouts his way through. Simon wants to know if Eric is serious. Eric is. He makes Eric swear on his mother's life. Eric does. Eric says Simon is "beautiful" and Simon asks if he's drunk. Eric isn't. I think Eric is a loon and wants to be on TV more than anything in the world, and if you're nuts American Idol is your best shot.

"When people look at me, they think I'm Taylor Hicks," Eric says. But he wants everyone to know that he's different from Taylor. Okay first, he doesn't look like Taylor Hicks by any stretch of the imagination. Second, if he doesn't want to be mistaken for Hicks, why does he keep doing impressions of him. You see? Loon.

The breaking point comes when a rejected Eric whips a jar of styling gel out of his pocket and rapidly approaches Simon with a wad of the stuff in his hand. It's like watching the assassination of Lee Harvey Oswald--it happens that fast. Security rushes him and literally push him out the door. As he talks to Seacrest, Eric puts the gel in his own hair and in seconds, he looks a hundred times better than before. But make no mistake, he crazy.

After a quick "Seacrest is Short" montage, we meet Anna Kearns, 20. Anna stands at a height of 6'4" flat-footed, 6'7" in heels today. Seacrest arches his wee-man back to look up at her the way a tourist looks up at the Empire State Building, as the camera guy lays low and shoots upward for effect.

The judges are shocked by her size (in the previews there was an unnerving side-by-side shot of tiny Paula and giant Anna that isn't shown here). Anna says she was in the Air Force but got kicked out because of a bad heart. Then she belts out a loud and funky rendition of Aretha Franklin's Respect, with great energy and lots of personality. She's fun. They ask her to turn down the volume and put her through to Hollywood (after some nonsense where Paula and Randy growl like dogs so Simon can't speak). "You just put through a giraffe," Simon says, after Anna leaves the room.

Jordin Sparks, 16, is immediately likeable. She has a beautiful smile and wears a cute little outfit. Dare I get optimistic here? Jordin sings Celine Dion's Because You Love Me wonderfully. Despite her age, she's neither childlike nor showbizzy, and is ultimately refreshing--especially tonight, which has been a pretty bad experience. After singing, Jordin says her dad is Felipe Sparks, who played in the NFL for nine years, opposite that hottie Jason Sehorn (except she leaves out the "that hottie" part).

Anyway, Simon thinks Jordin is too cutesy, with a weird smile. He's on the pipe. Randy says she's a natural. Seriously, she is. Paula predicts she'll do well. I predict that, like Thomas Daniels, she's Final 12 material (unless she, too, has commited some heinous crime). The judges send her to Hollywood.

Seacrest says that Jordin, along with seven other people, got put through on Seattle's second day (if there was a stat given for Day One, I missed it). That ain't much. This is followed by another montage of rejectees, this time singing Don't Cha. As was the case last night, the judges are edited in to make it appear they're in the room. This footage was shot pre-judging, as we see Eric Chapman in the mix with his hair un-gelled.

Our final contestant tonight is Steven Thoen, 27. He's One of Those, you can just tell by looking at him. Big guy, red hair, red shirt. People call him "red," he says. He sings "karokee" every so often, and people "have been known" to like his singing. He's not a big fan of the show. "I look like Carrot Top, sort of. But'cha know somethin'? Everyone says I'm way cooler than him." I think my left sock is cooler than Carrot Top, but it's not on TV so I'll tell it to be quiet.

Steven enters judging and, all kidding aside, is probably one of the most polite people to grace the room. He admits to not really watching the show, and says he's as good as Freddie Mercury, so he'll sing Bohemian Rhapsody. So here's this big red giant, looking like a bottle of ketchup got hit with a growth ray, singing in a high-pitched, post-castration-type voice. The judges laugh right in his face, but he soldiers on. Then he offers to sing something country. No. "It was like a one-year-old, singing that song," Simon says. But Steven thinks he just needs some coaching, and asks Simon to do it. "Don't sing it, just bring it," Steven nonsensically announces. And off he goes. I hope he finds himself a nice mustard girl someday. They can raise a bunch of little pickles.

Seattle is done.

Next week, we go to Memphis, Tennessee. Oddballs all around. An Elvis impersonator. A baby in a hospital. Maybe a few people with talent? That'd be nice.

Over and out,
--Frank