American Idol: Wednesday Recap (5/17)

You can go home again—and stay there. 3 become 2…

by Frank Pittarese

Taylor Hicks. Katharine McPhee. Elliott Yamin. Seacrest walks past this motley crew, telling us that the results are in. One of these poor souls (or Taylor) is going home tonight. Who is in, and who is out? Who will leave after the tribe has spoken? Who will get fired? Who will still be on their way to becoming America’s Next Top Model? This, my pimps and hos, is American Idol.

Seacrest, the nation’s best-dressed sock puppet, takes the stage and grins from ear to ear when he spots ex-Idolers Ace Young and Kellie Pickler in the audience. He points at them excitedly. “Wait a minute! Did I spot a happy couple here? Is there something you wanna tell us?” They explain that they’re just friends, there to watch the show. Stupid Ryan. Just because a boy sits next to a girl, it doesn’t mean they’re a couple. And you can’t get pregnant off a toilet seat. What do they teach these kids in school today?

Tonight the Final Two get named, and last night, over 50 million votes came in. That’s nuts. “The word 'close' doesn’t even begin to describe the margin between each of our contestants.” For once, Seacrest isn’t exaggerating. He introduces the judges, and it’s everything we’ve seen before, down to Randy’s childish and annoying booing of Simon. Then we go to flashback and find out how Ryan got on the island.

Recap Clip. Three singers, three judges, three songs. Clive Davis tore off the velour lining of his coffin, made a shirt out of it, and talked the contestants into a hypnotic state. Then he ate their souls before chosing songs for them to sing. Elliott sang ‘Open Arms,’ which Randy liked. Kat believed she could fly, Randy believed she should have chosen a better song, and Kat put him in his place. Taylor re-enacted a Springsteen video from 1984. In Round Two, Elliott paid homage to Lite FM, Kat went ‘Over the Rainbow’ by sitting on the floor, and Taylor did his best Joe Cocker impersonation, to the delight of all of humanity. Round Three. Elliott sang some random song no one ever heard of. Kat got the blues, and the judges danced on her neck. Then Taylor clenched his bowels through a spastic rendition of ‘Try a Little Tenderness.” Try shutting the hell up, Taylor Hicks.

Ford Commercial. This week, the Final Three sing a rap version of ‘Young at Heart’ (“Fairy tales can come true/it can happen to you…”). They’re singing at a retirement home. They’re also made up to look like senior citizens. This confirms for me that this show has stopped making any effort at maintaining the illusion of being about contemporary popular music. After weeks of Barry Manilow, Kenny Rogers, and the Corpse That Walks Like a Man, Clive Davis, the producers have gone full throttle and let the contestants reflect the show’s content, which, I suppose, is a stroke of genius.

Elliott is bald, with a long white goatee. He’s wearing an argyle sweater vest over a pink shirt and bow tie, with bright yellow pants. His accessories are a huge gold chain—and a walker. Katharine has a huge head of white hair, wrinkles galore, and looks to have gained about seventy pounds. She’s driving around on a little old-folks scooter. Taylor, meanwhile, strolls alongside his pals, in a vaguely Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, and a fedora, cane in hand. Of the three, his journey to old age has been the shortest, so he doesn’t look much different.

Miscellaneous real old people exercise on the lawn. The Old Idolers sing together, dressed in matching red sweatsuits. Kat holds a poodle for no reason. Taylor holds a boom box. Elliott works out with little three-pound weights. Kat shakes three hundred pound of fake fat-ass at us. Taylor takes a hot tub with a bunch of old ladies. I don’t like him, but my heart goes out to the guy for having to shoot this geriatric porn. The three old farts hobble their way over to the Ford vehicle, start the ignition, and bam, they’re back to their normal young selves. What an exercise in madness that was!

Back live. “I didn’t know Simon was having a party!” Seacrest says. Because Simon is so old. Get it? Yeah. Randy was pleased. Seacrest explains that for the last few weeks, the kids have been in the “Idol bubble,” so they sent them home—but first they had a surprise for ‘em.

After last Wednesday’s show, Rebecca Romijn and Hugh Jackman headed backstage to greet the Idols. Where’d Hugh come from, the cabbage patch? He wasn’t there last week. And what happened to the guy from Sliders? Whatever, Hugh’s hotter. Replacement accepted. They’re plugging X3, which I’m very excited about, but this is not the time or place to pimp your movie, Fox. So…movie clips, movie clips, Magneto, etc. Hugh hugs Elliott, and says he thinks the kids are all amazing. Rebecca says something, but I’m still swooning over Hugh. They give each of the kids a “sneak peek” DVD of the film to watch on their trips home. Is this the whole movie? Because I’d be all, “Thanks, Hugh, but I wanna watch this on the big screen. Can I see you naked, instead?”  More movie clips, powers, explosions, Wolverine. We see Elliott and Taylor watching their discs on their planes, but Kat only had a ten minute drive back home, so I guess she put her DVD up on eBay.

Homecoming Clip 1: Taylor Hicks. Taylor was excited to go back home to Alabama, where he had ribs and pancakes for breakfast. His limo was escorted by a police motorcade. He’s interviewed on a morning radio show. Fans everywhere, screaming—with joy, not rage. What a world.  At a TV station, he assists with the weather report. More interviews. He sings and plays guitar live with his band. He “woos” along with the police siren because he’s stupid. He gets a parade! Everyone in the state shows up, including a groundhog wearing a red hat, and a beauty queen in a red dress. “Soul Patrol,” left and right. Taylor signs autographs and gets the key to the city, then he goes to a shopping mall in a nearby town. There is not an inch of free space in the whole joint. It’s wall-to-wall humanity. For Taylor effing Hicks. Alabama, what the hell is wrong with you? He sings again. And dances. Then he knocks on the Governor’s door like a big, fat trick-or-treater. The role of the Governor’s wife is played by a bottle of Pepto Bismol that has just exploded. She is a pink situation. The Gov declares it “Taylor Hicks Day” and everyone screams like this actually matters to them, personally.

Back live. Taylor says he was speechless and amazed at the whole experience. He’s nervous (no he isn’t). Because this episode is a million commercials strung together under the guise of “entertainment,” Taylor will sing something from the upcoming American Idol CD. This is a cover of ‘Takin’ to to the Streets.” It sounds exactly, exactly like the original, but ugly. Taylor gets Kat and Elliott to dance with him on stage. It’s a cute moment.

Homecoming Clip 2: Katharine McPhee. She had a ten minute drive from the studio to her home in L.A. Her first stop is Good Day, L.A., a morning chat show, then she hits a radio station and is an adorably peppy ball of fun. From there, she takes a helicopter ride over the city. Scary! There goes the Hollywood sign! At her old high school, Kat dances around, having a ball. Cheerleaders cheer like loons. As a wise man once said in that fine documentary film, Bring It On, cheerleaders are just dancers who have gone retarded. The Mayor declares it “Katharine McPhee Day” and Kat sings inaudibly, as her voice echos around the gym and everyone yells and carries on. She’s almost swallowed whole by the boy’s track team, but a beefy security guy rescues her. I’d ask to stay, but that’s just me. Kat hugs everyone she meets, because she’s so cool and full of love. She goes to her parents’ house and is mauled by relatives. Then she holds her newborn goddaughter.

Back live. Kat thought the experience was fantastic, but admits she doesn’t talk to her family very much. Maybe that’s why her dad cries in the audience every week. “If she’d just say hello…” Kat sings ‘Think’ by Aretha Franklin, which I always thought was called ‘Freedom’ and so it should be. She sounds full of confidance. In fact, the doomsday jitters of last week seem to be lacking in all three contestants. Well, in Katharine and Elliott. Taylor knows what time it is.

Homecoming Clip 3: Elliott Yamin. He once sang a Gavin DeGraw song on the show, and Gavin is in the audience. About ten people cheer because the audience has been trained not to acknowledge any artist under the age of 50. Elliott was touched by his trip home. He gets off the plane and breathes deep. It’s officially “Elliott Yamin Day” in Richmond, VA. Like Taylor, his limo gets a police escort. Thousands of people seem to have shown up for Ell. Awesome! He does a radio interview for Lite 98 (HA!), with his mom at his side. Elliott returns to the pharmacy where he used to work. It’s a mob scene. He sings live outside. People everywhere—a sea of them. Many stand on the balconies of tall office buildings just to get a look. He goes to meet the Governor, who greets Mrs. Yamin, then he rushes off to his parade. Some girl goes ca-raazy upon seeing him. Elliott Yamine is not the Beatles, dear. Then he arrives at a stadium to throw the first baseball of the game or some sports thing. As they pull up in the car, his mom shakes her head and smiles, clearly overwhelmed with pride for her boy. Elliott throws the ball, wearing a Braves jersey. It’s been bigger and better than he’s ever imagined, he says.

Back live. Elliott is weeping intensely. Paula is weeping intensely. Ell is glad his mom could accompany him on his trip home. He sings ‘Moody’s Mood for Love’ from the American Idol CD. Jazzy jazzy jazz. Ski-doo. Ha-chaa. This is one of his best songs. But I’m not buying that CD.

After the break, we have double-stuff filling.

First up, a clip reel all about what a success the Idol winners (and runners-up) have become. Fantasia! Ruben Studdard! Kelly Clarkson! Carrie Underwood! She wants Jesus to take the wheel. Can he drive with those holes in his hands? Bo Bice! Clay Aiken doesn’t get an actual clip because he has The Gay Sex (allegedly). Or maybe because he’s just a bitch. One man, we’re told, is behind these success stories…or whatever they are. And that man is Mr. Clive “Dead-Alive” Davis.

Clive takes the stage, and the Final Three present him with a plaque celebrating the 33 million sales worldwide of the various graduates of the show. This plaque is the tackiest thing in creation: big show logo in the center, headshots of all the winners and runners-up (except Justin Guarini and Diana DeGarmo), tiny little flags-of-all-nations peppered around the border. It looks like a poster you’d get for five bucks at HMV. Maybe that’s where they got it. I hope the frame is nice. Seacrest foolishly asks Clive to say a few words.

Clive goes into a long, loooong monologue about the show, and how everyone said a long-term artist couldn’t emerge from a crap reality show. “But we proved them wrong.” Then he starts going into sales figures, and which ex-Idols CDs sold how many “units” and what went platinum and who got a Grammy nomination or two. Forever, he speaks. The show screeches to a dead stop. A quick shot of the stage reveals Taylor, bored out of his half-wits, and Kat, with her mouth agape, transported to that place you went to in 12th grade history class. She’ll be drooling in a minute. Elliott, I think, is more comfortable with old people, and thus, he has patience (or a good poker face). Clive continues to talk. Seasons pass. Twelve species of mammals become extinct. The polar icecaps melt. Everyone in the audience leaves, goes home for dinner, and returns with newborn grandchildren. Finally, Clive stops and we can all breath again.

Results. Seacrest puts three figures up on the big screen.

33.68%
33.26%
33.06%

That’s how the 50 million votes got broken down between the three contestants. It’s that close. This means anybody can go home, and although the rational side of my head knows better, there’s a glimmer of hope that Taylor Hicks will get Constantined out of here tonight. Please, oh, please.

But nah…it’ll be Kat, right?

Seacrest calls up the lowest percentage. “Whose name goes with that?” he asks.

The answer is Elliott Yamin. Damn.

The audience stands and ovates. Paula is remarkably composed. Elliott says he feels blessed and privleged to have had this opportunity. He’s glad to have been able to share the experience with his mom and brother. “I love you, Elliott,” she says from the audience. If this show makes me cry, I’ll kick it in the nuts.

Ell’s goodbye reel starts with Elliott singing ‘A Song for You,’ edited together from auditions, Hollywood and, lastly, from the baseball stadium in Virginia. It’s kinda moving. And shut up. ‘Bad Day’ kicks in (the solemn remix). Elliott cries! Elliott hugs his mom! Elliott cries some more! Elliott? Crying! Stevie Wonder! Rod Stewart! Tommy Mottola! Photo shoot! Singing! Hometown parade! Kissing his mom! Taking photos on the beach in Hollywood! Simon: “You are the best male vocalist we’ve ever had.” Paula: “You are an American Idol!” Elliott: “I’m just a counter clerk at a pharmacy. I’ve waited my whole life for a shot like this.”

Goodbye, little Elliott. You're the best performer of the season, and even though I probably wouldn't have bought your CD, anyway, I would totally have listened to it if I got it for free, or maybe downloaded some songs off the internet, but that's way too involved for me, so we'd have to hope for the free angle, ya know? Anyway, peace.

Paula weeps. Elliott sings us out with ‘I Believe to My Soul’ as Taylor and Katharine dance along from chairs. They’re not the F2 I expected, but there’s still time, America, to do the right thing.

Be here next week for Operation: Boot Taylor Hicks!