American Idol: Tuesday Recap (5/16)
The power of three will make you flee…
by Frank Pittarese“This is where it gets serious, America,” says Seacrest. Yes, watching this show is a solemn duty for everyone involved, especially those people with the big oak tag signs saying I’VE GOT MCPHEEVER! “Tonight they sing for the last time before the finale.” This is American Idol, Droogs.
Seacrest takes the stage amidst the standard enforced applause. Roseanne Barr is sitting in the audience, her newly blonde hair taking much away from that endearing trailer-trash quality of hers. Sitting behind her is none other than Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living, himself! Actually, it’s music mogul Clive Davis. He doesn’t get a caption like Roseanne, but hold on—we’re not done with him yet.
“Everybody is still talking about the fact that Chris Daughtry is off the show,” we’re told. The audience boos in perfect unison until the ‘boo’ sign switches off. “Remember, you’ve got to vote, vote, vote!” The judges are introduced, and once again, Randy does that thing where he boos at Simon’s introduction. Even Simon looks tired of that bit. The kids will get three phone numbers each (which shouldn’t be confusing at all) and will sing three songs each.
The first will be chosen by the aforementioned Clive Davis, who apparently is a “friend of the show.” It’s true. The show and Clive get together to drink the blood of virgins every Sunday afternoon. And there was a photo of them kissing in last week’s In Touch. (And I think the show is pregnant with his baby.)
Clive gets a clip reel. President of Columbia Records, Clive signed a bunch of artists to the label, including Janis Joplin, Chicago, Blood Sweat and Tears, and Billy “Crash Bandicoot” Joel. In 1975 he founded Arista Records, signing Barry Manilow, Kenny G, and Aretha Franklin. Then he formed new labels with Babyface and P Diddy. He also discovered Whitney Houston and founded J Records and became chairman of RCA Music Group and BMG and namedropping, namedropping, namedropping. Seriously, Seacrest must name about 50 artists during this reel. Bottom line: Clive knows everybody in the industry. And he hates Lion-O.
Elliott Yamin is going first. Clive has chosen that Ell sing Journey’s ‘Open Arms.’ We see them sitting face to face, and Elliott, like all the contests in tonight’s Clive-Clips, looks like he’s been listening to this old man for seven hours and can’t wait to get out of that room. He nods eagerly and agreeably, and I think he’d agree to eat spider eggs if he could just get away from creepy Clive. “Elliott has not done too many rock songs,” Clive says. So he chose this…rock song? Okay, Clive, if you say so.
Elliott sings into the camera with a nervous glare in his eyes, which eventually goes away as he gets into it. He sounds okay, but his voice is a little too smooth for a power ballad like this. Because the lyrics have the words “open arms” in them, he does so at the appropriate moment, but he never moves from the spot he’s in, and I think he could’ve afforded some wandering here…some connecting with the audience. It’s a bit of manipulation that Katharine, and especially Taylor, have down to a science. Towards the end of the song, Elliott reverses two sections of the lyric, which I think was an accident and not a choice, but nobody seems to notice or care. Not an amazing performance here, but he’s Elliott, so it’s fine.
Judges. Randy: “You know that song is near and dear to my heart ‘cause I was in Journey for awhile…you kinda worked it out…feel free to take chances when you do this stuff, dude. Do your thing.” Paula: “You are in excellent voice tonight…you did a great job.” Simon: “You were a little stiff…you have got to loosen up and start believing that you can make the finals next week. You can do better than that.” True enough.
Katharine McPhee, as chosen by Clive, will sing R. Kelly’s ‘I Believe I Can Fly,’ which was a huge hit a few years ago, but I’ve always thought it to be a little dull. In her Clive-Clip, Kat smiles at Clive with her mouth agape. “Will this never end?” reads her thought balloon. “I’m going to die in here.” He thinks the song will give her a “Katharine McPhee sound” and she will “make it her own.” He wants her to soar on it.
She stands stock still where Elliott stood just moments ago. Her voice is solid Katharine, although she’s shaky in spots. When the chorus hits, she lets the backup singers take over, and she “improvs” over them with some "oohs'' and "fly, fly's". I hate that. It’s lazy. Plus, she’s glory noting this song to death, with runs all over the place and even adds a Taylor-made “woo” at the end. Wow. Objectively, this wasn’t terrible, but I really, really disliked it. It came off as overblown, phony, and a little desperate.
Judges. Randy starts with “You look amazing,” so you know where this is going. “I know that you really want to be that singer, but I still don’t believe you’re that one just yet.” Paula: “Katharine, that color for you is gorgeous…you look beautiful. I…I…” Ay-yi-yi. As Paula stammers, someone in the audience screams “You’re incredible!” to Katharine. Security promptly takes this person to the basement for some re-conditioning. Kat comments that the judges have been hard on her the last couple of weeks. (Kat, I love ya, hun, but you’re slipping in the quality department lately.) Randy chimes in with “Song choice, it’s the right kinda song…” and Kat brilliantly interrupts him with “I didn’t pick it!” The audience howls and I love her all over again. Randy tells her to just sing the melody sometimes (instead of trying to Mariah Carey the damn thing up and down). Simon takes the positive: “Apart from some bum notes towards the end, you kind of created bit of a moment there for yourself.”
Taylor Hicks will sing Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Dancing in the Dark,’ as deemed by Clive. In fact, Clive contacted Bruce personally to get permission for the song to be used on the show. I believe he crept out from under Bruce's bed in the thick of night, like the Shadow Man. Taylor listens as patiently as possible as Clive reads the song’s lyrics aloud, like a beat poet from beyond the dawn of time. He nods his head in the same way the other two kids did. “If I say nothing, maybe he’ll stop talking.” Clive thinks Taylor is gonna be great.
If you don’t look at Taylor, he sounds really good. His performance is little more than note-for-note mimickry of the Springsteen song, completely lacking any bit of originality, but audibly, he’s almost pleasing to the ear. Look at him, and it’s like looking at an open wound festering with maggots. Or it’s like he’s looking at that wound. Taylor makes faces like there’s bird shit on his microphone. He grimaces. He squats. He looks both retarded and pained at the same time. Then he gets “creative.” During the “this guns for hire” part, he makes a finger gun, shoots it at us, and holsters it. Yuck! He’s such a gross old grandpa, this one. He dances some more, and very predictably, works his way over to Paula, pulling her up on the mini-stage behind the judges so they can briefly dance. See how clever Taylor is?!? That’s just what happened in the video with Courtney Cox! Oh, what a genius we have on our hands! Soul Patrol! Bitch, please.
Judges. Randy: “You know how to have a good time! Dancing with Paula, that was hot, baby!” Paula: “You’re incredible!” Taylor starts “Soul Patrolling” right here. Simon: “That was okay…it was a bit pale by comparison with the original…it was okay.”
Seacrest gives out the numbers, as Taylor “Soul Patrols” me into a coma, then tells us that after the break, the contestants will sing songs chosen by the judges.
Back from commericals, we find Seacrest sitting amidst the judges, with two cameramen standing pointlessly and inexplicably behind them. We’re told that the kids were sent to their hometowns this week, and we’ll get highlights of that tomorrow—but a taste of it tonight.
In Richmond, VA, Mayor L. Douglas Wilder is standing next to Elliott and reading a “private fax” from Paula Abdul. People are standing all around with banners and crap. I imagine that these kids got the usual parade/key-to-the-city package, but we’ll find out tomorrow. Mayor Douglas, meanwhile, announces that the Paula’s ‘Judge’s Choice’ song is ‘What You Won’t Do For Love’ by Bobby Caldwell. Um, okay. She chose it because he’s a funky white boy with soul and rhythm who can get into this song. Also, she says, it suits his voice.
Elliott looks much more at ease this time around, and he actually hovers on the edge of cute in an untucked dark dress shirt and jeans. This was a good choice by Paula. The song is very Al Jarreau by way of Lite FM, jazzy and soulful. The kind of "invisible music" you’d hear on the radio while in the waiting room of a doctor’s office. Ell’s in his Ellement, completely relaxed, and he sounds terrific.
Judges. Randy: “It was a good song choice…I don’t think it was your best performance…you were a little sharp most of the song…just keepin’ it real.” Paula: “This is the kind of artist that you are…you just pierce through the heart and I love that about you, you’re solid.” Simon: “I actually thought you sang that pretty good.”
In a high school gym somewhere in Los Angeles, CA, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa reads to Kat an e-mail from Simon Cowell. It says, “Oops! My little panties keep falling off. If you like naughty schoolgirls, click here to…” Okay, it’s really just Simon’s choice. He’s having Katharine sing ‘Over the Rainbow,’ made famous in some old Judy Garland movie. The one with the midgets. Simon chose the song because “from the very first day [he] met Katharine [he knew] that this song is probably the most perfect song in the world for her.”
Katharine is on the floor again. She starts singing and I don’t know what this is. It’s some kind of prelude to the song, I guess, that I’ve never heard in my life. Wootini suggested it might be something Judy Garland did in concert, but I don’t know. It’s nice, but it also throws me off balance right from the start. Kat's vocals here are pretty close to perfection. Her voice is controlled, and while she does insert a few runs into the song, they’re short and well-placed. If she could just manage not to over-sing all the time, she’d be consistantly fantastic.
Judges. Randy: “Finally! This is what I was waiting for! This is the best vocal of the season for you tonight!” Paula: “Soak in this moment, because your element and your magic is when you don’t go overboard and you just tap into you beautiful and natural self. Bravo!” Simon: “That was the single best performance of the competition to date.”
Seacrest doles the numbers, and tells us that Taylor is next. Cut to Taylor, swaying around like he’s suffered a severe head trauma. What is the point of him?!?
In Alabama, Governor Bob Riley reads a fax from Randy Jackson. “Yo, Governor Riley! You are an official member of the Dog Pound. Please take care of my dog now that he’s returned to Alabama, and let him know that his ‘Judge’s Choice’ song for this week is ‘You Are So Beautiful’ by Joe Cocker.” And right here is where Taylor goes full circle from being a parody of Joe Cocker to an officially-sanctioned Cocker impersonator. Any other contestant would have been called out on the carpet weeks ago for ripping off another artist’s schtick. With Taylor, it’s praised and rewarded. Why? Ugh.
Randy chose this song because Taylor has a Cocker/Ray Charles kind of vibe. “He’s like an old soul and I know he’s gonna do it right.”
Taylor sings, and what we have hear is a very exact, very precise, re-enactment of Joe Cocker singing live. Remember that note-for-note Springsteen cover from earlier tonight? Compared to this, that was a unique and original composition. This performance…this guy…is completely full of shit. Taylor makes this serious face, which amounts to wearing a sourpuss, throughout the song. He’s feeling it, you see, from deep within. This is sincerity. He practiced it in the mirror. What is this face? Is there a lemon in his mouth? A scrotum? God help me, I am completely intolerant of this man.
Judges. Randy: “A great tender moment from Taylor. You did the song proud. Congratulations, dog!” Paula: “Not only do you look like a star, you are a star.” Simon: “For me that was so far and away your best performance so far.”
Taylor starts wooing and wigging out and vomiting the words “Soul Patrol” at us with a force that could move mountains. Then we go to commericals before I’m forced to throw my TV across the room. Next up, the kids pick their own songs. Not a great idea.
Elliott Yamin is up first. He Coke-interviews that he’s singing ‘I Believe to My Soul’ by Ray Charles, but the Donny Hathaway version, to which I say huh? And huh? I don’t know what this song is, but it’s old. And if I’ve gotta take the time to process it, you can bet the audience is doing the same, and that will cost him votes. At this stage of the game, especially, you wanna sing something familiar. Anyway, this is pure Elliott, smooth and soulful. Not much more to say.
Judges. Randy: “I don’t believe that this was the perfect song for you, but you can definitely sing, man. So you did a good job, no matter what it is.” Paula: “I agree with what Randy’s saying ‘cause it’s not a song that people can connect with ‘cause they don’t know it—but the thing about you is that nobody can sing songs like that…you nail it…you’re a funky white boy.” Simon: “Elliott, your songs are not gonna carry you through to next week…however, you are a great guy. You are a great singer. And whatever happens, you will make your mum very proud for what you’ve achieved in this competition.” Mama Yamine beams proudly in the audience. Very sweet.
Katharine McPhee Coke-interviews that she’s singing ‘I Ain’t Got Nuthin’ But the Blues’ an admittedly old song, but she says she didn’t want to be compared to anybody in the industry today. Honestly, Kat’s fighting a losing battle with the judges at this point. Still, it’s a good performance. Kat’s all sultry and her voice is rich, and she’s playful and showing personality. I quite liked it.
Judges. Randy: “This was okay…but comparing yourself to Ella…I dunno, I dunno…” Fitzgerald, presumably, which proves my point (and Kat’s). She chose a song by a dead person so they couldn’t say “You’re no Whitney/Mariah/Barbra,” and they still damn her. Her only option would be to perform a song of her own making, but then they’d accuse her of trying to be Diane Warren or somebody. Poor Kat can’t catch a break. Paula: “Your magic was ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow.’ That’s your element, my dear. But you know what? You still did a great job.” Katharine thanks Paula, but looks at her like “Jesus, are you kidding me with this?!?” Simon: “You go five steps forward, one step back.” (Actually, that’s two steps forward, two steps back. It ain’t fiction, it’s a natural fact. Ask Paula.) “I just wish we could’ve reversed the order and that you’d have ended up on the songs from the middle round…with all of you.”
Taylor Hicks Coke-interviews that he’s singing ‘Try a Little Tenderness’ by Otis Redding and that he’s “doing it for the Soul Patrol.” He also doing it to irritate me, apparently. He walks towards the stage. Step, squat. Step, squat. Like he didn’t have time to go number one before the show. He’s doing that “hand of sincerity” thing again, which he always does during the “serious” songs. Basically, he moves his left hand about, palm up, in a fake gesture that says, “I’m singing this from the heart. I’m honestly feeling this song. Sincerely.” Ass. Clown. Step, squat. Step, squat. Then the fast part kicks in, and the band, bizarrely, layers in a disco beat of sorts. It’s quite queer. Taylor sings and twitches and spasms. On “hold her/squeeze her,” he hugs himself. For the big finish he has what appears to be a grand mal seizure right on stage, for all to see. Epileptics across the country watch this and realize that things could always be worse. It’s just grotesque.
Of course, the audience loves it.
Judges. Randy: “I got a new name for you…Have a Good Time Funky Taylor!” He can barely be heard over the sound of the screaming halfwits in the audience. Paula says she was going to pick this song for Taylor’s ‘Judge’s Choice,’ but then learned he’d picked it first. “I waited all season for you to sing this song. You did an incredible job!” Simon: “Smart choice of song, good performance. It was a hideous ending, but I’ll see you next Tuesday.” True and, sadly, true.
Seacrest hits the stage for some numerology, and Taylor starts “Soul Patrolling” again, waving his fist in the air and repeating the phrase over and over and over. Is he seriously mentally impaired? If so I’ll take everything back, because, Christ, there has to be something wrong with him. Is this behavior a conscious choice? What the hell is that all about? Taylor grins confidently, because he knows that he’s Final Two.
Be here tomorrow, when Katharine goes home.
