American Idol: Wednesday Recap (5/10)

4 become 3 and it’s all shook up. Seriously.

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest is dressed completely in black because tonight’s show is a funeral, people. In thirty minutes time there will be mourning and tears. “Last night, the contestants celebrated the music of Elvis, but tonight one of them will be leaving the building. The results are in. Who have your votes sent home?” This is American Idol, dammit.

Ryan takes the stage and the audience applaudes as instructed by the off-camera armed guards. There’s Jerry O’Connell, sitting next to Rebeca Romijn. She plays Mystique, the blue shape-shifter in the X-Men movies. He’s that guy from Sliders. You know, the one who was in the second Scream movie? Long ago, he was the fat kid in Stand By Me? Yep, that’s the one!

Moving on. The finale is two weeks away. Say hello to the Final Four. Left to right, we’ve got Taylor ‘Hound Dog’ Hicks, Chris ‘Big Boss Man’ Daughtry, Elliott ‘Mama Liked the Roses’ Yamine, and Katharine ‘I Feel So Bad’ McPhee. The boys look happy enough, but Kat can barely fake the pageant smile that’s plastered on her face. Her eyes scream, “Goodbye, cruel world!”

Video clip recap. The kids went to Graceland and met the scary Tommy Mottola and the scarier New Head of Priscilla Presley. Taylor danced off an enema in the aisles, and Simon saw it for the crap that it was. Seacrest wondered if Simon ever lived in the real world, before himself returning home to his 25-room mansion and his houseboy, Raoul. Taylor sung a wonderful cover of a South Park song. Chris was caught in a trap and couldn’t break out, then wanted a little less conversation and a little more action, please. I offered, but haven’t heard back from him. Katharine was all shook up, to the point of forgetting her lyrics. The judges no likey. Then she oversang ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love,' possibly dooming herself in the process. Elliott laid out ‘If I Can Dream,’ before impresssing the judging trio with ‘Evil.’

“It’s now or never” for the lot of them, Seacrest says, and as the camera pans across the Idolers on the way to commercial, Katharine can’t even fake the smile anymore. The boys laugh, carefree, and Kat looks more nauseous than Ace Young ever did.

Weekly Ford Ad, sung to the tune of ‘Wonderful World.’ Kat comes home in her Ford vehicle. It’s a hybrid, just like Chris’s underwear. She remote controls her garage door open, and it’s filled to capacity with all sorts of junk. This offends her, and the camera pans over to the boys, Chris, Elliott, and Taylor, standing by her front door and looking incredibly dangerous. Here’s my PSA to any young ladies reading this. If you come home to three thugs at your front door, drive away! Thus ends my PSA.

Kat’s all, “What the fuck? Clean that up!” The three boys obidiently rush over to the garage. They’re all wearing these one piece jumpers…like a mechanic, you know? But somehow it doesn’t change their original value. Chris is still hot, Elliott still looks like a hood, and Taylor is a head-to-toe oaf. They clear out the junk (at one point Chris dons a haz-mat suit) and then get all Queer Eye on the place, dragging in astroturf, plants, and flowers; a stone pond with goldfish and a big red parrot (who bops spastically in synch with Taylor). They pat each other on the back for a job well done.

Then Kat pulls into the refurbished, jungle-like garage, and…Kermit the Frog is sitting in the passenger seat. Just because. (I know he’s shilling for Ford, but the introduction of this character makes no sense, given the complex narrative of this short.) Kermit says, “Gee, I guess it is easy being green!” Ha! The writers on this show! I cry from the laughter.

Seacrest mentions the Idolers touring Graceland last week, leading to yet another clip reel. At first, I thought it was the same as we saw last night, but it’s new. It’s like when you watch Lost and there’s a flashback to Hurley in the nuthouse, then six weeks later, there’s another flashback to Hurley in the nuthouse, and you’re like “Oooh…so THAT’s what that was all about. Interesting revelation, Lost!” Except this clip package is neither interesting or revealing.

Clip reel. The kids go to Graceland and are assaulted by Idol fans. I wasn’t sure about this last night—I thought they might have been Elvis nutters—but some of them are wearing Idol-related shirts and holding signs. Who are these people who make signs? What series of unfortunate events take someone from “I’m gonna head over to Graceland to see these fools,” to “I need to make a sign. A BIG sign! On oak tag and in green marker! Oooh…and glitter! Glitter will make it really stand out! Now where my good teeth at?”

Priscilla greets the kids, like we saw last night. The woman looks possessed. Like Regan MacNeil, with the spinning head and the thrashing bed. She could walk onto the set of Supernatural right now, skip hair and makeup, and be the horror-of-the-week. She seems sweet, though, I’ll give her that.

She leads the kids on a tour of the house. Here’s the roped off dining room, where Elvis once ate. Here’s the ‘jungle room’ where Elvis hung out. (Taylor screams “Woooo! Jungle Room!” and Priscilla laughs the way you do when someone makes you uncomfortable and you wish they’d go away, but you’re stuck with the presence of them.) Here’s the Hall of Fame, with photos and costumes. Here’s a Wall of Gold, with all of Elvis’s records. Here’s a room with more of Elvis’s costumes! They’re all displayed in cases, like the one Batman kept Robin’s costume in after he died.

They check out Elvis's grave—which everybody knows he’s not in because he’s been seen at the Dairy Queen, like, five hundred times—and then return to the house where Lisa Marie suddenly appears. Bamf! Okay, so she did sign the release. We see the golf cart ride Taylor mentioned yesterday. It’s everything you’d imagine and less.

Group sing. It’s time for the Final Four to sing an Elvis medley. They open with ‘Don’t Be Cruel’ which Elliott solos. He dances cutely, and sounds great. They all take part in ‘Blue Suede Shoes,’ then Taylor takes point on ‘Heartbreak Hotel,’ and it’s as unsettling to witness as anything he’s ever done. Kat takes her turn with ‘Are You Lonesome Tonight,’ my mom’s favorite Elvis song. She sounds wonderful, until the boys join in to sing back up and it turns into a dirge. Chris sings a manly version of ‘Love Me Tender,’ and hearing it, I think he should have sung this last night. The whole gang surrounds the judges for ‘I Just Can’t Help Believin’’ (which is a little obscure, so props to whoever thought it up), then Taylor and Kat wrap things up with ‘Burning Love.’ He’s all flab-flopping and gross, and she’s adorable. They dance. Chris and Elliott join them, and it’s all wonderful and joyous, making the tragedy that’s to come even more tasty.

Back from commerical. Seacrest interviews Rebecca Romijn and Sliders Guy. He jokes about her not wearing her engagment ring, but she’s not wearing it because she “just came from work.” Where, at Schotz Brewery? Work? Please. Ryan tries to ask her about X3, but they’re running behind on this pre-scripted banter, and Rebecca wants to talk about the show. She’s “freaking out”, but won’t say who her favorite is—but she will make a request. Will Taylor sing ‘Jailhouse Rock’ again? “Pretty please?” Seacrest asks producer Nigel Lythgoe if there’s time, like this wasn’t planned since last Friday. Of course there’s time. There’s always time to shine the spotlight on Taylor.

Taylor rushes into the thick of the audience and just happens to find a mic in the middle of the exact aisle he chose. Amazing! He’s got mic-tracking powers. His performance is everything I’ve ever described about any Taylor performance: ugly facial expressions, fat-dad choreography, ten different levels of fake “performing” mixed with Joe Cocker’s twitchy mannerisms and a dollop of an attempt at Elvis’s body language. Utterly offensive to the eye, but not completely unpleasant to the ear.

Elimination time. Seacrest has the kids stand on either side of him in sets of two.

Left side: Taylor and Elliott.

Right side: Chris and Katharine.

One of the groups is the Top Two. One is the Bottom Two. Well, Taylor and Elliott are safe and get sent back to chairs. There’s joy all around, though I suspect most of it is for Taylor. The kids all hug on stage. Kat’s face is a tapestry of nerves and sadness. The girl is barely holding her shit together.

Chris and Kat stand side by side. He looks nervous, but probably isn’t. She knows she’s going home. She knows. We know. Don’t we?

Simon: “Who do I think should go based on last night? Katharine.” There’s booing from the audience. Katharine looks a wreck.

Seacrest: “A lot of people predicted both of you could be in our finale. A lot of people predicted, Chris, that you could be the next American Idol.” The audience cheers. Chris smiles, as does Katharine, politely, because again, she knows she’s going home.

“Chris, you’re going home tonight.”

What the Fairuza Balk?!? Katharine’s face morphs into a genuine and profound expression of shock. Chris, who literally one second ago was smiling, goes stone-faced. He is not amused, people. This wasn’t how his story was supposed to play out.

Paula pushes her seat back, covering her eyes with the palms of her hands. Simon touches a finger to his lips, contemplatively. Randy? Who knows. He's drinking a Coke or something. Seacrest tell Kat to sit. This is what he says: “Kat. Sit.” What’s up his ass? Kat hugs Chris, takes her seat, and what happens next week is anybody’s guess.

Chris is in shock. His ‘Bad Day’ reel begins (the somber re-mix, reserved for People The Producers Like). Chris gets his ticket to Hollywood! Chris kisses his wife! This is his dream! He’s gonna change his life for himself and his family! Paula thinks he’s amazing! Chris sings and looks hot every freaking time! Chris sings on the floor—and still looks hot! Rod Stewart! Stevie Wonder! Simon says Chris is the first artist on the show who’s refused to compromise! Simon says “Thank God for Chris!” Mind you, as this clipfest plays out, Chris watches it real time. You know that expression, “If looks could kill”? Yeah…exactly.

He pulls himself together for the sing out (‘Suspicious Minds’) as the audience stands and cheers. Paula looks upset, but not half as much as she’ll be when Elliott gets cut. They’re gonna need paramedics that night.

Be here next week, when 3 become 2...one of whom is bound to be Taylor Hicks.