American Idol: Wednesday Recap (4/26)

The blind lead the tone deaf—right out the door.

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest is still dressed like a businessman. Please stop it, Seacrest. This whole gay funeral director look just isn’t working for you. “Last night was all about romance,” he tells us. It was also about David Foster pushing Andrea Bocelli out of the spotlight and Kellie Pickler singing all of North America into a coma, but why quibble? “Who melted your heart, and who left you cold?” Welcome to the Results Show, people.

Post-credits, we’re informed that last night phone records were broken. They received 47-and-a-half million votes, the highest non-finale numbers since the show began. Wow. Seacrest introduces the “emotionally unstable panel,” and tells Randy that he’s the only sane one. He goes on to say that last night Fox received many calls about the judges, specifically Simon, regarding his unfair treatment of the contestants. Who are these people who call Fox? I can hardly be arsed to vote. I did call a TV station once in my life, and that was when Fallon got abducted by a UFO on the series finale of The Colbys. It was awesome. Here’s this show about evil rich people sleeping with each other, and all of a sudden the lead character gets onto a spaceship and takes off! Excellent! So I called ABC, all excited, and told them how much I loved it. Also, I was only 19 years old, so eff off.

So yeah, people called Fox to complain about Simon. He makes a startling confession. “I think I was unfair to one person last night, and I want to apologize because I don’t think this person got the right appraisal. And that person is—Katharine!” It turns out that when he watched the show back last night, he realized he was wrong. The audience cheers. Randy jumps on board with “A little harsh…a little harsh.” And then Paula backpedals from “I’m never harsh,” to “Katharine knows I love her” in practically a single breath.

Simon asks if Seacrest and Paula are talking again, referring to the gossip that they’ve been feuding—which is something I believe was true, but which is also something I think Fox was not entertaining. “We are speaking, yes,” says Seacrest. “We love each other,” adds Paula. Or else they’ll dock our pay.

The recap package plays on the big screen. The contestants performed classic love songs. Andrea Bocelli and David Foster assisted the kids. Foster was all ego. Katharine sang a Whitney song that Foster wrote and the judges ate her alive. Paris sang ‘The Way We Were,’ breathily. Elliott made Paula cry like a loon. Kellie doled out vocal Sominex, free of charge. Simon’s critique got cut off and it made him so mad! Taylor did his best, but I guess his best wasn’t good enough. Paula went apeshit. And Chris wanted to know if we ever really ever loved a woman. No, but I’ve rolled around with a few guys, and that’s nowhere near as gay as this stupid song.

Post-clip, we find the judges and Seacrest all huddled together like they’re posing for a family photo at Sears. I’m pretty sure that’s where Simon got his V-neck pullover. “One dysfunctional family right here,” says Seacrest. Okay, we get it. Y’all don’t hate each other.

Tonight’s Ford commercial is sung to the tune of Blondie’s ‘Call Me,’ a song made famous in the film American Gigolo, which was all about Richard Gere having sex for money—but only with women, because he’s a whore with values. I think the song is about prostitution as well. It’s certainly not about a lost dog—except on this show.

We open on a shot of a “Lost Dog” poster. What kind of dog is this? A boxer? A boxer-pug mix? Whatever, it’s cute and I want it. “Call Me,” reads the poster, with some 555 number on the bottom. Kellie is hanging them up, and accosting passers-by about the animal. Kellie jumps into the back seat of a Ford vehicle, driven by Taylor who, honestly, looks like he’s going to Jamie Gumb her in about five minutes.  

The dog runs through the streets. The Idolers search in Ford vehicles, and are equipped with binoculars and walkie-talkies. It’s like Mission: Impossible, except very, very possible, and at no point will Taylor rip off his mask to reveal Tom Cruise underneath. That’s really his head. They sing and search, and occasionally we get solo shots of each kid singing in an alley. Katharine and Taylor both make “phone hands.” Yuck. Chris points at me. At me! Kellie shakes her head ferociously, to get the demons out.

Desperate to escape his gruesome fate, the dog runs through an outdoor café. The Idolers, led by Elliott, follow in hot pursuit, knocking over tables and ruining property that they can never afford to replace. The dog enters a filthy garage, and settles down next to a cardboard box. The box happens to be next to yet another shiny new Ford vehicle. But the box also contains Mrs. Dog and her puppies. The Idolers look into the box and coo like idiots, and the dog winks at us, digitally, going from cute to creepy without missing a beat.

Back on stage, Elliott laughs and laughs. Better than seeing him cry again, eh? Seacrest introduces Foster and Andrea. Standing ovation. Andrea thought the Idols were good, good singers. Seacrest tells Foster he was pretty tough on the kids. Foster says “You’ve gotta be great, you can’t just be good,” but blows off Seacrest’s question about whether he treated Whitney or Celine that way. I don’t know about Celine, but if Foster starts throwing shade at Whitney, she will cut him.

Andrea sings ‘Because We Believe’ from his Amoré album, with Foster on piano. It’s in English, which I suppose is good, but this really isn’t my thing. If my grandmother were alive, she’d swoon for it. It’s like opera by way of Julio Iglesias. The whole thing has a very European flavor to it, which goes beyond the vocals and has everything to do with the arrangement. Well done, Foster! Given Andrea’s accent, I’d like to hear him sing some Italian saloon songs, like Jimmy Roselli used to perform—but this show is too high-falutin’ for that sort of drunken revelry (Paula excepted). Also, if you know who Jimmy Roselli is, you are very, very old.

We’re back from commercial, and there’s Lisa Tucker in the audience. She was booted several weeks ago. Remember? It’s out of sight, out of mind with these kids. She’s wearing a mic because she’s plugging her appearance on tomorrow’s episode of The O.C. Ryan wishes her luck. With what? Watching it? Because that shit must’ve been shot a week ago, at least.

And now we’re getting down to business. Elimination time!

To recap my recap, my Bottom Three picks were: Katharine, for placement and critique. Taylor, as a means of voter manipulation (I also said he’d be sent back to chairs immediately). And Kellie for sucking beyond all human comprehension. Kellie was my choice for tonight’s loser.

Right away, Seacrest messes with the format. He has the remaining six kids break up into three groups of two. It goes like this:

Group 1: Katharine and Chris.

Group 2: Elliott and Taylor.

Group 3: Kellie and Paris.

One group is the top two, one is the bottom two, and the third is in-between. Elliott and Taylor are immediately sent back to chairs. Yep—they’re safe!

Now Seacrest tells us we’re left with the Top Two and the Bottom Two. If one of these pairs received the highest number of votes last night, it has to be Kat and Chris, because Kellie was a disaster and Paris, at best, was adequate.  

Kat and Chris are sent back to chairs, safe!

Now we’re left with the Bottom Two: Kellie and Paris. Paula reacts. She felt Paris had the best vocal last night, and that Kellie deserves to be “up with the six, but ya know what? Someone has to go home.” This is Kellie’s first time at the bottom, and Paris, who has B-Threed before, jokes that this is her first time in the Bottom Two.

“Kellie. Tonight is the end for you. Paris, you are safe.”

Kellie’s ‘Bad Day’ clip reel unfolds, to a bland remix of the song. How apt. There’s Kellie at auditions! Kellie with her prison-daddy! She’s not ashamed of where she came from! Hugging a tie-less Seacrest! Jumping on the bed! Calamari! Telling Rod Stewart “You took a load off my chest!” Kellie is a naughty little minx! Singing! Pointing! Hugging Kat! Stevie Wonder! Red carpet! Cute little brother saying “Ah luv yoo.” Aww…

She’s all smiles and says that she learned a lot. She’s glad to be here, “but I know I won’t be here much longer ’cause the commercial’s comin’.” She thanks her fans, the show, the crew—and totally gets cut off when the show runs out of time. Whoops.

Goodbye, Kellie Pickler. Sorry you couldn’t sing us out. Except, not really.

Be here next week for…I have no idea. Seacrest didn’t give us the info. I know there’s an Elvis week coming up (in which, if Chris has a brain, he’ll sing ‘Suspicious Minds’). That could be it, unless some living celebrity has something to pimp.

See ya next time!