American Idol: Wednesday Recap (4/19)

Taylor makes a choice, and 7 become 6…

by Frank Pittarese

Snappy little Seacrest greets us, again dressed in his Sunday best. “It is the night we all dread,” he says, although I’m sure he feels differently when he gets his paycheck.

A video recap of last night shows the judges heaping praise on the contestants. Chris broke away from his rock roots. Paris went back to jazz (and wore another of a never-ending series of costumes). Kellie butchered her song. Ace was ass. Taylor was an ass. Katharine “provided an emotional ending” to the show while her dad wept in the audience. The votes are in. Results…later.

This week’s Ford ad is pretty simple, and features the song “Kids in America” by Kim Wilde (as sung by the contestants, of course). I guess they wanted to give the Idolers a break, because the shoots for these things must take at least a day, and really, is it worth it? We open with a shot of Taylor on a poster. “Taylor,” it reads, “In Concert.” He looks like a Blues Brother, in a dark suit and shades. The Fordmobile drives by, and poster-Taylor begins to bop. Unlike most of Taylor’s dance moves, this is inoffensive. The Ford passes a poster of Elliott at a bus kiosk (“Elliott Live”). Poster-Elliott starts dancing like a cute little 8th grader. Going down the highway, we see some billboards for “Kellie Summer Tour.” “Katharine Classics,” and “Ace Greatest Hits” (like that would ever happen). “Chris in Concert” is followed by “Songs from Paris,” and in each instance the Idoler on said billboard comes to life and moves—dancing, singing, posing, etc. As the “la, la, la, la-la, la-la” part comes around, the moves get a bit frantic. Taylor has one of his conniptions, Paris’s head vibrates into the far future, and Chris destroys his guitar—because he’s An Authentic Rocker. The whole gang appears on one last billboard which reads, “Live Tonight!” Then the camera pans down to an overhead shot of  the kids rushing, clown car-style, out of the Ford car onto a red carpet.

Back in the studio, the kids applaud, and for once Elliott isn’t pissing himself with laughter over the ad. Then Seacrest introduces Rod Stewart. The band plays “Do You Think I’m Sexy?” and I get all excited, thinking he’s gonna sing a real song. But no…this is just walk-out music. Rod takes a seat amongst the kids.

He’s in good spirits, as he was in last night’s clips, and tells Seacrest that he decided to sing the classics because he’s always loved them—but now he’s working on a “’70’s classic rock album,” which could be good. Seacrest suggests they do that theme next year, so Rod could come back, and executive producer Nigel Lythgoe nods very robotically in the audience. Seriously, he looks like if you wet him, he’ll short circuit. Then Seacrest asks Rod where he got his jacket, because Ryan’s so fashion-forward of late. Rod says it’s an old Dolce something or other, and Seacrest says it matches Rod’s highlights. Yep, the witty banter never stops here on American Idol.

Rod gets up and sings “The Way You Look Tonight,” from the first of his patrillion The Greatest American Songbook CDs. He sounds great—I mean, he’s Rod Stewart, so you know what you’re getting—and this song is fantastic, but I just can’t get behind the whole old guy/retro thing on a show like this. If this is the direction in which they want to go, they have to remove the 29-year-old age limit, and then stop drilling the “pop star” directive into the contestants’ brains. Anyway, Rod dances with himself during the musical bridge, looking like everybody’s father, everywhere, after having a cocktail on Christmas Eve. It’s the kind of dancing where, if your friends were in the room, you’d just absolutely die. The Idolers swarm him when he’s done, and it sounds like Rod is offering Kellie some words of comfort after last night’s musical suicide.

After the break, Seacrest gives us the scoop on next week’s theme. “Another week, another superstar,” he tells us. Who can it be? Kanye West? Rob Thomas? James Blunt? At this point, I’ll settle for Beyonce or Bubba Sparxxx. Next week’s superstar Celebrity Mole is…Andrea Boccelli?!?!? The blind opera guy?!? Are they freakin’ kidding me? Nope. There he is, all eyes-closed, singing the opera in Italian. Next Tuesday he’ll coach the Top 6 as they sing the “greatest love songs of all time,” and then he’ll perform on Wednesday. This show…it’s like they’re punking all of America on a weekly basis. I guess it could be worse. The Celebrity Mole could have been Il Devo (the opera-pop boyband, managed, I believe, by our own Mr. Cowell).

Tonight’s experiment in terror for the Bottom Three involves Seacrest breaking the remaining seven contestants into two groups: the haves and the have-nots. And someone in the have-nots is goin’ home.

My picks for Bottom Three, as seen in yesterday’s recap, were: Elliott, Kellie, and Ace. And, with regrets, I figured Elliott to be the night’s loser. So let’s see how I did…

Group 1 consists of: Elliott, Kellie, and Katharine.

Group 2 consists of: Chris, Paris, and Ace.

Wow…I’m already off-base. So what about Taylor? Well, Taylor is immediately told that he’s safe. I didn’t think he’d be going anywhere. But Seacrest has a task for Taylor. He instructs him to go stand next to the group America voted as “safe.” The crowd moans. Taylor looks simultaneously intrigued and annoyed.

After the break (Red Socks Coke Guy! I could watch this ad all day. I wish there were a ten-minute version!), Taylor, like Sophie, must make his choice. He strolls over to Group 2, extending his hand to Chris. As they shake, Seacrest is all, “Taylor, I’m sorry…” But Taylor ain’t done! This was a big-ass fakeout. Taylor leaves Group 2 and heads over to Group 1, taking his place alongside Elliott, Kellie, and Katharine. Wow! That was a pretty slick move right there. Very entertaining.

The audience laughs, and Seacrest is forced to wing it. “I’m sorry…you’ve chosen the correct group now. They are all safe!” Pandemoinum erupts. Chris, Paris, and Ace join in on the applause, but almost immediately, Ace looks like he’s got the queasies.

Seacrest sends Paris safely back to chairs. Now it’s down to Chris and Ace, who stand there with their arms around each other. “The Matt Damon and Ben Affleck” of American Idol, according to Seacrest. Does that mean they’re rumored to be gay until one of them has a failed relationship with a pop star? Simon says he thinks Ace is going home. Paula and Randy...hmmm...I don't recall hearing either one speak in this episode.

Simon is correct.

“I’ve had a blast. I can’t wait to perform with all the Top 10 and see all my fans that have seen me through the TV,” says Ace, no doubt referring to the ‘Idols on Tour’ concert that I would totally attend for free, just for a laugh. Got an extra ticket? Let’s talk.

Ace’s “Had a Bad Day” clip reel plays. Ace at auditions! Ace is going to Hollywood! Paula loves Ace's eyes! Ace makes the Jesus arms! Stevie Wonder! Brian May! Rod! Manilow! Ace shows his scar because it’s in the lyrics! Good times…

He sings us out with ‘That’s All.’ And yes, it is.

Be here next week, when 6 become 5…