American Idol: Tuesday Recap (4/18)

Tonight’s theme: Songs By Dead People (with Rod Stewart)

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest, still in formal wear and still scruffy-faced, is standing amidst the audience. The music is from the past, he says, but we decided the future. This is American Idol, bitches.

After credits, Seacrest again strolls out on stage like the show isn’t live and he’s got all freakin’ day. The crowd cheers. Marilu Henner applauds from the audience, and all across the country, millions of teenagers simultaneously ask, “Who?!?”

Seacrest tells us the family unit shrinks again. “Just seven people left since we lost Bucky Convington last week.” There’s a community "Awww" right here, to which Seacrest snidely retorts, “Well, if you didn’t vote, don’t boo.” Okay, about that? It’s safe to assume that Bucky had some fans out there. He didn’t get zero calls, he just didn’t get enough to stay. So people did vote for Bucky. He got a dozen or so calls from my house alone. The boo-ers are, in all likelihood, fans of Bucky who voted and got shafted with him. So Seacrest’s constant, ever snarky, “If you didn’t vote…” remarks are just absolute nonsense. It would be more apt if he said, “Don’t boo, people. Just kick ass on anybody who voted for Ace.” Personally, I think he’s getting cocky now that he’s on the E! channel thirty times a day. He’s forgetting about the days when he was just a regular guy in a t-shirt, struggling up on that stage next to Brian Dunkleman.

The judges are introduced, and we’re told tonight’s Idol is a “sophisticated affair.” The contestants will be opening The Great American Songbook, which is the name of series of CDs Rod Stewart has recorded, where he sings songs for grandmas. Basically, they’re standards which will showcase the Idolers vocal talents, while still not really representing the type of music they will ever again sing. They will also serve to plug Rod’s CD collection. (Hey, it worked for Manilow!)  The songs, overall, are great. I doubt the kids watching the show can appreciate them, but they’re 500 percent better than anything you’ll hear on the radio today. I just find myself getting annoyed at the way this show talks out of both sides of its mouth. Be contemporary! Sing this song from 1947! ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ it’s for old people! Sing 'Blue Moon!'

Rod Stewart’s clip package opens to the tune of ‘Hot Legs’ and we’re reminded that once upon a time, Rod was cool. He’s a rock legend, we’re told. He struts around in tight pants as ‘Do You Think I’m Sexy’ plays under Seacrest’s narration. There he goes in a purple, shoulder-padded suit from the ‘Baby Jane’ era, circa 1985. Recently he changed his tune from rock-and-roll to the classic standands of The Great American Songbook. Rod interviews that if not for these songs, we wouldn’t have rock-and-roll. It goes like this: blues to jazz to standards to swing to rock-and-roll. Consider yourself schooled. Rod sings ‘I’m in the Mood for Love,” which will always and forever remind me of Alfalfa in The Little Rascals. If you haven’t heard that version of that song, you haven’t lived.

We cut to Rod, his fiancée, Penny, and their little baby son Alastair walking into the studio while the Idolers, at the piano, group-sing ‘You’re in My Heart.’ Rod seems genuinely happy to be there, and almost immediately, I find myself liking him. I mean, I always liked him as an entertainer. That ‘Infatuation’ video, with Kay Lenz and Dick Miller as her gangster boyfriend? That’s good shit. But I had mixed feelings about him appearing on Idol because a) enough of the old people and b) enough of the shilling. Now, I’m taking it back. He seems pretty cool.

Rod introduces Alastair (cutest celebrity baby ever!) and Penny, then apologizes for being late. They were making wedding plans. Very sweet. I hope it takes. He’s been married twice before and has a long list of baby-producing liasons. Dude has seven kids! We seem him laughing and goofing with the Idolers, and everyone seems to be having great fun. The girls hover around Alastair, because how can you not? Rod says he’ll be “putting the lid” on this American standards thing, and getting back to rock songs after Idol. Amen, brother. Don’t let this genre do to you what it did to Pat Benatar.

Chris Daughtry is our first singer of the night. He’ll be singing ‘What a Wonderful World,’ a song which is held in high regard by most but which, for me…well, yuck. In his Rod clip, Chris says the song “has so many values in it that mean so much to me.” Rod tells him his rehearsal was great, says, “Gimme a hug!” and gives Chris a hug, right on the spot. You see? Nice guy and totally not fake. It’s refreshing, let me tell ya.

Chris strolls on stage dressed like Gene Kelly in an MGM musical from 1952: black pants, black vest, his shirt sleeves cuffed tight and high on his manly biceps—and an ascot around his neck. I half expect a computer-generated Fred Astaire to come out so they can do a tap number together. A guitarist sits on the edge of the stage, but fortunately, this isn’t a Taylor-level distraction—he’s just there, doing his thing. Chris’s voice is very nice and controlled. It’s good to be reminded of the talent that got him on the show in the first place. There’s no growling or screaming this week. No light show or smoke machines. No eyeliner. Just Chris, plain and tall. The guy can sing, and the performance sounds quite lovely. It’s also as boring as baseball.

Judges. All three applaud—even Simon! He’s possessed by the spirit of Mr. Rogers or something this week. You’ll see. Randy: “You showed the sensitive side and it was the bomb!!” Paula: “You have shown that you are in it to win it…you did a fantastic job!” Simon: “I’ve said for a while that you have to change your style…Chris, I thought it was a great performance!”

Paris Bennett welcomes us back from the break. We’re in a Coca-Cola interview segment, stageside with Seacrest. Paris is wearing a salmon-colored business suit, looking like she just came from playing a lawyer in an All That comedy skit. She interviews that this weekend she got an Easter Basket from her mom and went roller skating with her friends. She liked the songs they had to choose from this week. In her Rod clip, Paris makes a big impression on Rod. He says she has a touch of Billie Holiday about her. Paris’s mom listens to her rehearse and cries tears of joy. Rod said he couldn’t have done what she’s doing when he was seventeen. “I was still digging graves,” he says with a laugh, elaborating no further.

Corporate Paris is on stage, singing ‘These Foolish Things (Remind Me of You).’ Right away, you can tell this is classic Paris. Five bars into the song and she’s owning it. It’s like something comes over her and there’s this adult in a 17-year-old’s body, commanding the stage and singing with such amazing grace and elegance. Her gestures are simple and understated. Not a single note wanders off key. Her voice is melodic. This really might be her best moment on the show to date.

The crowd stands and ovates.

Judges. Randy: “I think this was your greatest night ever!” Paula: “If you made an album in this genre it would blow up.” Simon: “You talk like Minnie Mouse and yet you sing in that very grown-up way…I thought it was terrific!”

Seacrest says that Simon is “sipping the happy fuel.” I wonder what goes through Paula’s mind when those remarks are made. We’re told that Taylor is next after the break, and there’s a quick shot of him on stage, listing to one side, retardedly, and waving his fist in the air. Ugh…this guy.

Taylor Hicks gets a Coke interview segment of his own, post-break. He’s gotten many of these, going back to the early live shows. I don’t need anymore. Seacrest asks Taylor about the “Soul Patrol” parody they did of him on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. I saw it and have already forgotten it entirely. Anyway, Taylor says he “fell out on the floor” when he saw it. It didn’t hurt his feelings. Guess I’ll have to try harder here.

In his Rod clip, we learn that Taylor will sing ‘You Send Me’ by Sam Cooke. Rod says that nobody can sing the song like Cooke, but Taylor did a great version. He adds that Taylor is a pretty good mover, and that on TV “you’ve gotta grab the audience by the balls and [Taylor’s] very good at that.” The word “balls” is bleeped out. “Will that be allowed?” Rod asks, and laughs. No, Rod. While it’s perfectly fine to hear the actual sounds of oral sex being performed on Joe Millionaire, while a man can gleefully lie about having testicular cancer on Unan1mous, and while it’s okay to feature a pedophile named Tea Bag as a "hero" on Prison Break, Fox will have no balls on its lips. Or Rod’s. This network has standards.

Taylor strolls out on stage like it’s a lazy Sunday. As always, if you don’t look at him, he sounds fine. The song suits his voice, although he’s doing this thing with the lyric where instead of singing “You-oo-oo-ooo send me,” he’s singing, “You, you, you, you send me.” It annoys me, but I freely admit that could just be my personal presdisposition to hating Taylor. So, to be fair, Taylor is making the song his own. As he gets deeper into the song, he starts pushing his knees together, then getting into the squat, then building to a climax, he’s begins to…well, dancing isn’t quite it, because he’s standing in place, but there’s a lot of leg-shaking and hunching over and arm swinging. Watching Taylor is like looking at a zit waiting to pop. It’s gross already, but you know there’s worse coming. He’s spazzing out he’s got the DTs. If the song were a minute longer, he just might invert his body completely and enter the fourth dimension.

The crowd, because they lack the sense God gave a deaf-mute chihuahua, cheer with unbridled madness. They love Taylor.

Judges. Randy: “That was hot, man! That was hot, that was hot.” Paula: “The ending was superb…and [that was] the best take on the song.” Simon: “It started and I thought ‘lame caberet,’ and then—magic!”

Elliott Yamine’s Rod clip shows him rehearsing his song, ‘It Had to Be You.’ Standards were the kind of songs Elliott’s mom sang when she was younger, as a professional singer. Rod says the kid has a “great set of pipes,” and upon finding out that Elliott is 27, tells him that was the same year ‘Do You Think I’m Sexy’ was number one, which means I was 12, and that both Rod and I are old.

Elliott is looking like a comfortable little lounge lizard, dressed in jeans, a purple shirt and a tuxedo jacket. All he’s missing is a martini in one hand and a cigarette in the other. His voice is smooth and jazzy. I can’t say anything bad about his performance, except maybe the song choice could have been better, but for me, this is just okay. Elliott can sing. He does have a great set of pipes—but this middle-of-the-road song isn’t letting him showcase his talents. True, he does try to belt it out at the end and bring some spice to the vocal, but overall, it’s a bland two minutes.

Mimi Rogers (currently appearing on Fox’s fast-paced, bawdy sitcom The Loop—watch it before they cancel it on me) and family applaud in the audience.

Judges. Randy: “Very excellent song choice! Very nice job, baby, very nice!” Paula babbles, but essentially, she loved it. Simon: “It was a good vocal, however…I thought the performance lacked a degree of personality. Therefore, I am slightly concerned for you.” As am I, Simon. It’s difficult to be sure, but it sounds like Elliott is saying “I disagree, I disagree,” while the crowd boos at Cowell. Nervy.

Kellie Pickler is next and, Lord I do not have patience for this. Let’s just say that in her Rod clip, she either confuses the fact the “words” and “lyrics” are the same thing, or she pretends to be confused. I don’t know what’s real with her anymore. I suspect that she is basically stupid, but not totally stupid. She’s smart enough to know that this hick-in-the-city schtick is expected of her, so she’s “enhancing” her dumbness wherever possible. It makes me weary. Rod calls her a firecracker, and says “she bubbly…a lot of personality.” Kellie will be singing ‘Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered.’

She’s on stage in a tight red dress, and what’s this? Yep, she’s been at Kmart’s free makeup counter again. The eye shadow and blush are just a little too much. At first, she sounds okay. Not great, but she’s getting through the song in good voice. Then things go terribly wrong. Her voice gets pitchy…off key. Then it sounds like she might have skipped part of the song, because the band is going one way, and she’s going another way, completely out of synch with the music. Boy, what a mess! Simon puts his head down, shamed.

When the performance ends, Kellie wears the “Uh-oh” face. She knows she screwed this pooch. “I butchered it,” she tells Randy.

Judges. Randy: “I don’t know if it was the right choice, but yeah…it was definitely pitchy in spots. Very tough, very tough.” Paula starts by complimenting Kellie’s outfit, always a bad start. Then she says she can’t wait for Kellie’s acting career to begin(!). It has, Paula. It has. Paula also mentions Kellie getting ahead of the music towards the end, but “other than that, you got it goin’ on.” Simon: “You didn’t even need to bother with the bewitched and the bothered, did you? You could’ve just done bewildered. It wasn’t great.” Kellie apologizes and agrees. There’s something to be said about that. A lot of contestants—Justin Guarini, Constantine, even Ace, this year—would go into “Well, we'll let the votes decide” territory. Kellie stands there, takes her lumps and admits that she did a bad job. That’s respectable.

Ace Young is up next. He’ll be singing ‘That’s All.’ I’m not familiar with this one. In his Rod clip, Ace says that having a legend comment on your voice is a trip. Rod tells him, after song rehearsal, that he’s “got nothing to say…that was brilliant, absolutely brilliant.” I can’t believe that’s true, although maybe Ace sounds better singing up close and personal. My gut tells me that Rod was just being nice because, well…

Ace is on stage in a snazzy suit, with his skeevy hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. I always thought he’d look good with short hair, but this is too much. Plus, it looks greasier than ever. Right away, he starts in with the weak, thready voice, and starts touching his belly with his right hand. If Ace isn’t doing the Jesus arms, reaching out for us, or revealing his childhood scars, he’s touching his belly. This is a completely average and dull performance. If I could sing like Ace, I’d do karaoke without hesitation. I’d go to piano bars and sing for gays, drunks, and gay drunks. I would not go on the TV. He pulls out the falsetto—because he’s been told it works—and wraps up the song with a shaky note. Blech.

The audience applauds, and Michael Rapaport is among them.

Judges. Randy: “You had a little bit of a problem in the bridge…but dude you worked it out in the end. I’d love to hear you sing a whole song in false. That’s your money right there.” Paula: “It’s a whole new Ace in a different light…you did great!” Simon: “It wasn’t bad. It was a little bit nasally…but I thought it was a charming performance.” For once, Simon and I disagree, but he’s in good spirits tonight, and I’m a crank.

Katharine McPhee will close out the show. In her Rod clip, Kat is bubbly and full of energy. Jeez, I like her more and more every week. It sucks that she won’t even make it to Final Three. Katharine has a couple of song choices, and we see her singing ‘I Only Have Eyes For You,’ beautifully, and then ‘The Way You Look Tonight’ (which is a wonderful, wonderful song), but Rod rips the music in half. “I don’t want you to sing the last one because I’m going to sing that on the show!” Laughs all around. Kat finally settles on ‘Someone to Watch Over Me.’ Rod says, “There’s not much I can say about this girl, she’s fantastic.”

Kat is sitting on the edge of the stage, smiling as the music begins. Then she sings—she performs—the song. Looking at the camera, emoting. If you can imagine it, you can see the song in her eyes. It’s that kinda thing. She’s not going through the motions or playing a character. She’s feeling the music and, empathically, letting us feel it with her. Aside from a little Mariah Carrey run at the end, this was awesome!

Judges. Randy: “I loved it—it was excellent!” Paula (unabridged): “Tonight I feel like I’m watching for the first time falling in love with the essence of who you are.” Then she says that Kat (or Kat’s performance) reminds her of Mr. Holland’s Opus, a Richard Dreyfuss film which I’ve never seen. This excites Katharine. Kat: “I know!!” Simon: “You made the others look like good amateurs…You look like a returning pro. It was great!”

My guess at this week's Bottom Three: Elliott, because he's generally not beloved by America. Kellie, because I'd like to think that the audience has had their fill of her (also, she was terrible tonight). Ace, because the boy is lame wrapped in a pretty bow. As for who's going home, despite Ace having carved out his own personal corner of the Bottom Three triangle, I'm afraid we'll be saying goodbye to wee Elliot.

Seacrest recaps the numbers, then tells us to vote and come back tomorrow for live Rod Stewart, as 7 become 6…