American Idol: Wednesday ReCap (4/12)

Fluff happens, and 8 become 7…

by Frank Pittarese

Tonight’s Results Show is an hour long. An hour. How much padding does that involve? Lots. But don’t worry—I won’t indulge such nonsense here. Seacrest presents the show’s length as good news. He’s still doing his Dapper Dan thing, with the suit and hanky sticking out of the pocket. I prefer my Seacrest like I prefer my sex: casual and sloppy. The beard marches on, not much thicker than last week, which means he’s either going for the George Michael or his testosterone injections haven’t fully kicked in yet.

Seacrest introduces the judges, calling Simon “The King of the Queens.” Paula says she didn’t realize how hard Queen songs are. Randy, in answer to Seacrest’s question about how the girls (now numbering three to the boys five) can stay in the competition, says they need to sing well and show more personality. If any of these girls showed more personality, their heads will explode. Look at Paris, for cryin’ out loud. She’s like an entire freshman high school class in one peppy little body—and each student comes with its own unique outfit (collect 'em all)!

“Simon, each week you look more and more agitated to be here,” says Seacrest. “You’re the grumpiest millionaire I’ve ever met.” Simon says that he thinks America respects honesty. I don’t think Simon has ever seen the news or heard of George Bush, but I do appreciate that he keeps his shit real.

Seacrest presents a recap of last night’s performances, when the kids sang Queen. There was good and bad. Simon didn’t like much of anything. Kellie and Katharine “went dramatic.” Kellie didn’t understand Simon’s accent. A showboating Taylor almost fell on his ass. Paris “worked it out.”

Right out of the recap clip, we go live to the kids group-singing a Queen medley. Not content to let the performance stand on its own, the producers decide to practically picture-in-picture it. The group sing is reduced to a small box on the left side of the screen, while a bigger box appears in the upper right. That big box is filled with flashback images, dating back to auditions which aired in the summer of 1925.

They start with ‘A Kind of Magic,’ as we see the Idolers wave their Hollywood approval sheets from the audition rounds. Then they segue into ‘Killer Queen’ as clips of that crazy, crack whore auditioner run in Box Two. Ace breaks out his falsetto. Does anybody still sing this way, aside from Prince? Ace must be crying over Prince’s refusal to do the show. He doesn’t have the time and doesn’t want to work with the kids. That’s rude and awesome all at the same time, but I’d still like him to come on the show and snob his way through a rehearsal session or two.

Chris sounds incredible during his ‘Under Pressure’ solo. He should have sang this last night. I don’t understand how this boy thinks, but I’m sure Kellie thinks this song sounds just like ‘Ice, Ice Baby.’ Bucky joins in with Chris, and they sound damn good together, till the others jump in. Then they sound like Rent threw up. The girls take point on ‘Don’t Stop Me Now.’ As a montage of Idol bootees plays, the gang naturally sings ‘Another One Bites the Dust.’ Elliott takes the lead on ‘You’re My Best Friend,’ and he sounds wonderful. Taylor dumps his bloated ass all over ‘We Are the Champions’ before the Idolers join in and wrap this mess up.

After commericals (hey, hey—it’s red socks Coke guy again!), it’s time for the weekly Ford ad. This week, the kids perform ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot,’ a song made famous by Pat Benatar. She was the shit when I was in high school. Without her, there would be no Pink. There would be no Gwen Stefani. So…respect, yo.

We find the kids dressed in the gayest parody of golfwear known to mankind: knee socks and checkered pants, argyle sweaters and little white caps. It looks like Taylor, Katharine, Kellie and Elliott will be playing against Bucky, Chris, Paris and Ace. That second group of four, I think, are meant to look punked out…or something. They’re wearing the gear, but it’s all East Village second-hand storeish. Bucky is sporting a cowboy hat, Chris has a straw hat on his head, and is wearing a v-neck sweater with bare arms (nice!). Paris has some kind of thick fur trim around her neck. And Ace, also bare-armed, is sporting a lavender…or one might say pink…sweater and pant combo.

It turns out, they’re playing miniature golf. Ha! These producers and their hilarious concepts. Why aren’t they writing Scrubs, I ask you? The prize is a Ford vehicle (to me, a car is a car is an SUV, so expect no details on that front). They sing and swing. They swing and sing. Chris takes off his hat and pours water all over his bald head, then spits out a mouthful of the stuff. It’s too sexy. My TV melts. Katherine blows a ball into a hole. Yeah…I know. This scores a win for Bucky’s team, and he celebrates his way over to collect his prize. Then he’s pelted with balls. Katharine and Bucky high-five each other as both teams applaud, and we’re done. I know this isn’t an episode of CSI, but the plot of this video made no sense. Are they saying that you can make friends by cheating? Or that Kat can really blow? Or that Bucky likes to be hit with balls?

Back on stage, Elliott laughs till he cries. He’ll cry again before the night is over. All the kids giggle hopelessly. It’s very cute. Ace says it’s the first time he’s ever worn pink, and Seacrest responds, all manly, “I’ve done it many times, I’m still alive.” Then he starts asking the kids if they’re homesick.

As the question works its way around, the kids tell us what they miss. Taylor misses Southern cooking. Kellie misses Oprah. Paris misses fried chicken with hot sauce. Elliott misses his friends, family and basketball, which elicits an “Awww” from the audience, though I don't know why. Ace misses being close to the mountains, hiking, skiiing, and throwing a football with his brothers. “Clearly, you’re not missing the gym,” Seacrest says, and Ace, again sleeveless, flexes his boy-muscles. These two need to just shag and get it over with. Bucky misses his dawg. “Luvtoscrubd’olfellaon’daheadthere,” Bucky says. Seacrest: “I don’t know what you said.” Katharine misses her dog, too. Chris misses his wife and kids, but they’re here tonight (so shut up, Chris).

This leads into a parental (or legal guardian) greeting package. All the parents (or legal guardians) miss their respective kids and are proud of them. The sole highlight of this is Kellie’s grandfather, who sits on a wooden swing with her little brother. The kid must be about 6 or 7 years old, and has huge, adorable ears. Grampa Pickler is proud of Kellie and says she should keep her chin up. Then he tells the boy to tell Kellie he loves her. And he does, in a cute Southern drawl: “Ah luv yoo.” Very sweet. Everyone is touched and Elliott cries some more.

After the break, we’re told that next week’s Celebrity Mole will be Rod Stewart. A brief clipshow touches not much on his list of hits, but rather on some new crap he’s shilling, called The Great American Songbook, which features standards like ‘It Had to Be You’ and ‘I’ll Be Seeing You.’ Eff that. I wanna hear ‘Hot Legs’! In addition to helping the kids, Rod will perform on next week’s result show. Elliott, should he survive the night, should do quite well with this theme.

This week, we’re approaching the Bottom Three call-out differently (again). Each Idoler is presented with a boring and useless “hometown” clip, and then told whether or not they’re safe. It’s so not worth detailing, but here are the broadstrokes.

Again, my Bottom Three predictions were Ace, Katharine, and Elliott—with Kat going home.

Taylor Hicks. His bandmates say he’s the drive of their band. Taylor has two goldfish that they’re taking care of. Taylor is quick with a joke. Taylor is also safe.

Katherine McPhee. Her parents live twenty minutes from the studio. Kat’s dad cries whenever she sings. Kat used to sing in the mirror with a hairbrush. Kat was a cute kid, as proven by home video footage. Kat’s dad watches the video and cries. Aww. Katharine is safe. (I was wrong here, but yay!)

Chris Daughtry. His dad works in a lumber mill, as does his brother. Chris gets his talent from mom and dad (we're told). Chris has hair in all his snapshots. Chris is a good father and husband. Chris is safe.

Kellie Pickler. She’s crying into what she calls “a community snot rag.” Kellie’s town is behind her 100 percent. Kellie’s little brother is crazy about his sister, asking every day if Kellie is gonna be home. Kellie is safe.

Elliott Yamine. He’s been sick since childhood, starting with allergies. Elliott has problems with his ears and he has the diabetes. Elliott’s mom means the world to him, and she’s very proud of him. “Not the talent,” she says. “The talent’s a given. But he’s such a good soul.” It’s really quite touching. She’s in the audience, crying. He’s on stage, crying. I’m at home, crying. Unfortunately, Elliott isn’t safe. He’s in the Bottom Three this week.

Seacrest takes Elliott centerstage, where Randy says “America must be confused, because this boy can sing.” And then Elliott is made to sing ‘Somebody to Love’ once again. I can totally see myself buying an Elliott Yamine CD someday.

Ace Young. He’s the youngest of five. Ace can take punishment and bounce back up. Ace will do whatever you want him to as long as you put a time limit on it. I like that. Ace's family misses and loves him. Ace is also in the Bottom Three. But of course.

Seacrest trots Ace out on stage. Paula watched the show back last night on TV, and while everyone had faults in their performances, she doesn’t think Ace is in big trouble. Simon didn’t think Ace was good enough, and Randy doesn’t think he should leave “yet.” Ace is made to sing ‘We Will Rock You’ again. “Everybody get up,” he says. No, but thanks anyway. Ace has hairy armpits. Yum!

Bucky Covington. His dad says their town, Rockingham, NC, lost their race track “to the people in California.” Bucky is the biggest thing to happen to the county since the race track. Bucky’s dad has never seen a NASCAR race bring people together like Bucky being on AI has. Bucky “has put a whole new life on everybody,” he says, welling up. “I’m just tickled to death. Tickled to death.” Again, awww.

Paris Bennett. She was going to be a gynecologist, after deciding not to sing anymore. Paris’s family is chock full of singers. Paris was giving up singing if she didn’t make it on American Idol.

Bucky or Paris…?

Bucky is in the Bottom Three. Damn! As with Mandisa, there’s a shocked silence that follows this announcement. Bucky is made to sing ‘Fat Bottomed Girls’ again, and he sounds just as he did yesterday, although he looks little out of it. Understandable.

Our Bottom Three: Ace, Elliott, and Bucky. Seacrest confirms that the judges don’t know the results. He asks Simon who should go home. Simon picks Ace. So do I. He’s the weakest of the three and I like the other two guys a great deal.

After the vote, leaving us tonight, is…Bucky. Damn again!

Hugs all around. Paris starts crying. Bucky’s ‘Had a Bad Day’ flashback montage plays out, while realtime Bucky keeps wandering out of frame. Bucky is going to Hollywood! Bucky does a backflip! Brian May! The Manilow! Kenny Rogers! Happy Flashback Bucky gives the thumbs up.

The kids swarm the stage to support their exiting friend. I’m gonna miss Bucky, one of the most likeable Idolers ever. I hope he does well.

Next week: The Joys of Rod Stewart!