American Idol: Tuesday ReCap (4/11)

It’s Queen for a day—and I’m not talkin’ about Seacrest.

by Frank Pittarese

Last Tuesday, we said goodbye to Mandisa after she received the least number of votes for Country Night. It was a bit of a shock. I had really expected Paris to go (and hopefully not fellow Bottom-Three-er, Elliott). Throughout the competition, I was behind Mandisa (as if there’s any room back there), but since Tuesday, I found out that aside from being full of the Jesus, Mandisa is anti-gay. Recently, when The Advocate asked her if she’d be comfortable performing at a gay event, she replied with this: “I would not, no…based on what I believe, I’m not an advocate for [being gay], so it’s nothing I would take part in.” Biting that hand that feeds you, Mandisa, is the ultimate Dogjaw. Those blessings you threw our way, honey? Keep’em because you need ’em.
 
We’re live once again, and Seacrest greets us in a neat little gray suit. He’s also wearing a matching v-neck sweater over his shirt and tie. Guess his mum is hoping he’ll make Prefect when he gets to Hogwarts. She should have made him shave, though. The beard is still with us. Tonight, he tells us, the kids will be taking on the music of Queen.

Post-opening credits find Ryan strolling on stage and Season Three Idol winner Fantasia sitting in the audience. Her on-screen caption reads “Fantasia Barrino,” but I thought she dropped the last name some time ago. Maybe she picked it up again, now that she’s writing a book. Or maybe the caption-writing guy can’t be arsed to fact check his stuff. I don’t know, and interestingly enough, nobody on the show addresses her at all—despite the fact that she's sitting directly behind Simon.

Seacrest intros the judges, then hits us with the Queen clip package. Here’s how it breaks down: Thousands of idiots scream/sing ‘We Will Rock You’ at sporting events. The American Idol idiots head-bang to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ in the van on their way to meet Queen. Queen was very famous in the 1970s. In 1991, narrates Seacrest in his funeral voice, lead singer Freddie Mercury died, but Queen stuck together, “with all-star tribute albums, a hit musical, and memorable Idol performances [insert shot of Constantine Maroulis performing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ last year], their music has lived on.” If you missed last season, Constantine's performance was only memorable by virtue of it's crapitude.

Original Queen members Brian May and Roger Taylor (we’ll be seeing lots of them tonight—Brian is the curly haired fellow) are back on tour with lead singer Paul Rogers from Bad Company. The Idolers meet them. Handshakes all around—except for Kellie, who hugs. Rehearsing, rehearsing. More headbanging. Seacrest tells us that the guy who directed the famous ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ video is now an American Idol director. In fact, he’s directing this very episode. There’s some annoying back and forth as we cut to Director Guy then Seacrest then back again. Enough. Isn’t there singing supposed to be happening now?

Bucky Covington is first at bat tonight. In his clip, Bucky gets along famously with the band. Roger tells us that Bucky was good. His singing “felt a bit like us, actually, at the end.” Bucky will be singing ‘Fat Bottomed Girls.’ Bucky looks great tonight, dressed in a leather jacket, a button-down blue shirt and jeans. He starts off standing at the mic, clapping in time with the music, and then he starts moving around. He's a little off key at times (which is fairly standard for him), but he’s energetic and really does have a nice tone to his voice, which offsets the pitchy stuff.

Judges. Randy: “I liked it, baby, I liked it. It was nice.”  Paula: “You made ‘Fat Bottom Girls' a country rock song…great job.” Simon: “It was a good choice of song…I think the song was bigger than you. Overall, I would classify the song as mediocre.”

The Ghost of Freddie Mercury says, “The song choice was fabulous, Bucky darling. Loved the jacket, but next time try wearing it without a shirt. And perhaps a nipple ring.”

Ace Young is about to inflict himself upon us. He gets a pre-song Coke interview with Seacrest. The boy is wearing leather pants, a striped shirt and beaded necklace of some kind. He looks like David Cassidy gone horribly wrong.  Ace tells Seacrest the competition is getting “more and more intense” every week. “With a voice like Freddie Mercury,” he says, “You don’t so much hear it as feel it, so it’s my turn…I been feeling for about a week, now I want to give it.” I’d like it much better if Ace said that to me—in bed.

In his Queen clip, he meets the guys and suggests an arrangement for his song. They flat out reject his idea. “I don’t think we’re gonna play your arrangement,” says Brian May. High-larious! You can see in Ace’s face that he’s ten pounds of embarrassed, but what can he do? This is fucking Brian May raining on his amateur hour parade. Ace has to suck it up. We see Ace rehearsing ‘We Will Rock You.’ Heh. This oughta be good.We get another clip of Ace suggesting an arrangement (but in fairness, I think this clip actually precedes the one we saw earlier). He’s suggesting a particular drum beat. Brian says, “No, that I can’t do. Not to my own song, I can’t do that.”

Seacrest laughs awkwardly. “They worked it out,” he says, and introduces Ace Partridge—or, if you’re a Brady Bunch fan, Johnny Bravo (because that’s exactly Ace’s deal. He fits the suit.). Ace is light in the voice, making the Jesus arms, then trys to sing “tough” and it’s just typical Ace. No style, no substance, no nuthin’. He works in the falsetto thing, totally thinking that it’ll score him points with the judges, as it has in the past. Except maybe not this time. The audience applauds politely when he’s done—including Mickey Dolenz of The Monkees! What’s he doing here?!? Are they planning a Monkees night? Because that would kick several kinds of ass. I mean, Chris Daughtry singing ‘Last Train to Clarksville’? Come on, producers, get that paperwork started!

Judges. Randy: “That’s a big song…dude, for me, it was about a 5 or a 6. I didn’t get it…it was karaoke.” Paula says some stuff about the beginning, and then the middle, and then something about how he knows what time it is and he “took a risk.” She’s a woman of many words, and few of them relate to each other. Simon: “I thought it was a complete and utter mess.” Randy chimes in with “He’s right, I was trying to be kind!” Settle down, Jackson.

The Ghost of Freddie Mercury says, “Didn’t I see you at the baths last Friday? You look just like--never mind. A barely adequate performance, luv.”

Ace isn’t trying to hear any of it. “I think I rocked.” Then Seacrest asks him about the awkwardness between him and Queen. Ace isn’t trying to hear Seacrest, either. “I felt good all the way through,” he says, avoiding the question entirely.

Kellie Pickler gets her turn next. In her Queen clip, Kellie tells us she first heard Queen when she was a little girl. Her dad listened to them. I suddenly realize her dad is probably around my age and wonder what the hell I’m doing watching this show with such enthusiasm. Shouldn’t I be doing whatever old people do? Like soiling my adult dippie? Kellie rehearses ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’ For a second, I get nervous, because it looks like she’s trying to sex it up; touching herself seductively during the “body’s achin’ all the time” lyric, and then shaking her booty hither and yon during the guitar solo. Brian and Roger co-speak: “She’s got a tough job. But well done, Kellie.” Brian solos: “We love ya.”

At first glance, it looks like Kellie is trying to reenact the video. She’s backlit by a single, superbright beam of light, and standing stiff as a board. Her hair is rock and roll straight, not unlike how the boys from Nelson wore it, back in 1991. She’s also wearing a ridonkulous leather outfit. The end result: Joan Jett Barbie. This might be some high comedy.

She’s not doing any of that sexy stuff we saw in rehearsals. Good. Her voice gets all growly at the appropriate parts during the ballady portion of the song. Better! The fast part of the song kicks in, and Kellie goes to town, strutting all over the place, falling to her knees. Great! Her voice isn’t always completely on target, but I’m not sure how anyone can sound perfect moving around like that. This is a really good performance from Kellie, and despite the outfit, it doesn’t feel fake, like Ace’s did five minutes ago.

Judges. Randy: “It’s a fly jacket…and you worked it out! I liked it!” Paula: “It was extremely ambitious…you showed the rocker chick that you were [sic].” Simon: “On paper it should have been completely hideous…but I thnk it worked. You did good.” Kellie doesn’t understand his “paper” remark. “It’s his accent,” she tells Seacrest. Neither Ryan, Simon nor myself have anymore patience left for her ‘Elly May Clampett’ shenanigans.

The Ghost of Freddie Mercury says, “You’re a curious little thing! Your voice is quite wonderful and you remind me tonight of a young Bonnie Tyler. I must admit, though, you seem a bit daft. Are you a half-wit?”

Chris Daughtry will sing ‘Innuendo,’ which I’ve never heard, and which Queen has never performed live. Brian May tells us his daughter says Chris is awesome.

Here we go. Chris comes out, overlit and wearing black eyeliner. Eyeliner...like, from Maybelline! He’s really turning into a parody of himself at this point. I can’t say he doesn’t sound good—he sounds fine—but he sounds exactly like he always does. The song has a slightly aggressive tone to it, so naturally Chris growls and yells his way through it. He can hold a note, I’ll say that much. And but for the eye makeup, he’s smokin’ hot. The strobe lights go apeshit. I have a Pokemon seizure. We’re done. In the audience, the fantastic Camryn Manheim (Ellenor Frutt of the also fantastic, but sadly cancelled, The Practice) shouts “We love you, Chris!”

Judges. Randy: “You did not disappoint. You delivered, baby! Yeah! Yeah!” Paula says another bunch of random words. For example: “There have been more times that you have superceded even when the band performs that’s why you should look back at the package and watch how they are in admiration over your performance.”  See? Simon: “I think it’s a shame that you didn’t decide to entertain the audience at home with one of the great Queen songs because you could have had a moment tonight.” And that’s true. The audience will always respond better to a song that’s familiar, rather than digest something they’ve never heard before. It actually distracts from the performance. Simon says Chris was indulgent, and he’s absolutely right.

The Ghost of Freddie Mercury says, “Daddy!”

Katharine McPhee, in her Queen clip, rehearses ‘Don’t Stop Me Now.’ She wiggles her ass as if she has a family of centipedes stuck up her crack. “She’s got a bit of bounce to her,” says Brian May. For serious. Then Kat changes her mind. She’ll now sing ‘Who Wants to Live Forever?’ because she wants to “just stand there and sing, and…have it just about the voice, the lyrics, the music.” Seacrest intros Katharine from the audience, next to her mom. Momma McPhee looks just like her daughter, and smiles happily. I’d smile too, if Seacrest was holding my hand—and then I'd try to grab his willie.

Being backlit is tonight’s sub-theme, and this is how Katharine begins her performance. As promised, she’s standing and singing. There is no shaking of the arse. This song…wow…it’s very “Barbra Does Broadway.” Kat belts it out, powerfully and with elegance, not missing a note and, as usual, making a terrific connection with the audience and viewers.

Judges. Randy: “It was good idea you switched your song.” He points out that it “was a little Broadway.” He says it was pitchy and “a little big” for Katharine. Paula: “I love when I see an artist makes a choice to change their mind…you made the right decision to just stand there and be glorious with your glorious voice.” Glorious. She mentions Barbra, in that this was the kind of song big singers like Celine and Streisand take on. Simon: “That was almost the moment…overall, it was one of the strongest [performances] tonight.”

The Ghost of Freddie Mercury says, “You, Katharine, are one fabulous bitch!”

Elliott Yamine gets a Coke segment, talking about some of his old jobs. He couldn’t keep one, he tells us. (And I can’t find one, hence these recaps.) One of his ex-jobs was as a radio DJ. We see a snapshot of Elliott at his..whatever you call it…command center, with a big mic hanging in front of him. It looks like one of those pics taken when somebody says “Yo!” and you look up, and SNAP! Seacrest has Elliott introduce his own Queen clip, DJ style, which he does as E-Double-L.

In Ell’s Queen clip, we learn he’s going to sing ‘Somebody to Love,’ which is a pretty complicated song, I think. There’s just a lot going on there. Brian May tells us that Freddie Mercury wrote it, inspired by Aretha Franklin. Elliott tells us he’s never heard the song before this week. Ah…young people. “I think Elliott chose one of the harder songs in our song book,” Roger Taylor says. Yep, exactly.

Elliott’s voice is as velvety and inviting as always. He’s got this thing where no matter how hard he shouts or belts something out, there’s something soothing there. He doesn’t look nervous at all, as opposed to last week, when he apparently had the jitters. The band is a little overpowering here. I think the audio people really need to adjust the levels, and knock’em down just a touch, because it feels like Elliott is struggling to be heard over them. On a show like this, it’s important that not happen. Ell is all smiles, and he looks kinda cute tonight as he takes his bows.

Judges. Randy: “There were some pitch problems, but…all in all, I loved you man. I thought it was really really good!” Paula: “You gave the best Elliott Yamine performance!” That’s good. It would’ve been terrible had he come out and given the best Howie Mandel performance. Simon: “As the guys said, you chose the tough one…overall, I think you probably pulled it off.”

The Ghost of Freddie Mercury says: “Your voice reminds me of the time Elton and I went on holiday to Greece. He’d been an awful bitch to me because I called him fat, which, well please. Just look at him. Anyway, I became so annnoyed that I got stoned and listened to Dionne Warwick’s ‘One Less Bell to Answer’ on an endless loop. Elton screeched at me twice to “turn that bitch off” before throwing a magnum of champagne against the mantle and storming out in an absolute huff. The calm that came from the ensuing solitude and the two-hour wank that followed…that’s exactly how you make me feel, Elliott. Well done, you!”

Taylor Hicks will sing ‘We Are the Champions.’ Oops, never mind. He’s pulling a Katharine and changing his song choice. Instead, he’ll pleasure us (or himself, rather) by performing ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love’ because the song is “upbeat, energetic, and I get to dance.”

Okay, this "dancing" of which he speaks? Taylor wiggles his legs like he’s shakin’ out the pee-pee, then rooster-walks bowlegged all over the place. He sounds fine, I guess, but he’s so difficult to look at as he spazzes out and jumps around and makes faces. This thing called Taylor, I just can’t handle it. At one point, he tries to kick his mic stand, misses, and comes thisclose to falling on his 40-year-old ass. How that would have played out on live TV is anybody's guess—but I promise the moment would have been an instant classic. I suppose this is a better performance than last week’s rendition of “Country Songs from Beyond the Grave.” If nothing else, Taylor is present this week, and alive. When he’s done, the audience, of course, goes nutty-nuts with applause.

Judges. Randy: “Taylor is back and he’s kickin’ and takin’ names!!” Paula: “I don’t know whether we should give you a record deal or a straight jacket.” Simon: “Taylor, are you drunk? I thought that was ridiculous.” Ya know, as bitter a pill as Simon is, more often than not, he’s absolutely right. Seacrest comments, with arms folded, that “Someone is drunk at that table.” This comment might well be directed at Paula, since they've been a mini-feuding. I direct you toward Reality Blurred for Andy Dehnart’s coverage:

http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/american_idol_5/2006_Apr_12_abdul_seacrest

The Ghost of Freddie Mercury has this to say, regarding Taylor: “You disgust me.”

Paris Bennett is our last Idoler tonight. She’s singing ‘The Show Must Go On.’ That’s a big song for such a little girl. Brian May likes “everything about Paris—she’s just fantastic.”

Paris hits the stage looking…oboy..looking like Janet Jackson’s Mini-Me, or, as Wootini put it, like somebody left Mary J. Blige in the dryer too long. This girl and her costumes. She’s all dressed in black, with straight hair and boobs and boots with spikey heels. She keeps banging one foot on the floor, in time with the music. At one point she tells us to “come on.” I hate that. If you tell me to come on, I will not go with you—ever. Overall, Paris sounds great, with a bit of Shirley Bassey happening in her voice. Seriously, if there’s a James Bond night in this competition, Paris needs to sing ‘Goldfinger.’ This performance was absolutely worthy of the night’s final slot.

Judges. Randy: “Yes! You worked it out, baby!” Paula: “The whole country and every single rock group is finding out that you are the powerhouse that you are.” Simon: “I found it all a little weird.” Paris thanks him, cute as can be.

The Ghost of Freddie Mercury bids us goodnight. “I love a girl who knows how to play dress-up! Can I borrow those boots? I have the perfect pair of leather chaps to match them, and I want to look my best at the Grammy Awards.”

And that ends another round of performances. My picks for Bottom Three? This’ll be tricky. I’m gonna say Ace, for sucking, Katharine for being Broadway, and Elliott for being misunderstood. And as much as I’d love for Ace to be leaving us, I much fear we’ve seen the last of Katharine.

Come back tomorrow, Seacrest commands, as 8 become 7.