American Idol: Wednesday ReviewCap (4/5)

Kenny Rogers sings, and 9 become 8...

by Frank Pittarese

“The votes have been cast,” says Seacrest. “Just under 35 million of them came in.” That’s a lot of calls, but none came from my house because I’m a spaz.

The judges are introduced, and Seacrest moves on to highlights from last night. There’s singing and critiquing. “Country music was more of a gamble for Chris and Ace,” Seacrest tells us, “But Keith Urban songs seemed to be the perfect hand to play.” We then see Randy praising Chris and Paula praising Ace—but we don’t see Randy saying Ace was boring or Simon telling Chris that “the audience at home deserves better than that.”

Next Seacrest introduces “the one and only Kenny Rogers.” Kenny walks out, botoxed and/or lifted to within an inch of his life. Seacrest brings up Simon’s dislike of country music, and asks Kenny how they could make him a fan. As Kenny starts to answer, Simon is shaking his head. “Simon, now don’t do that--I know that you really don’t like country in your heart, do you?”

“I like your songs,” Simon says. Nice save, but I don’t buy it for a minute.

Kenny goes on to praise the kids and says “this is the night that breaks my heart.” Then he sings the debut single from his new album, Water & Bridges, ‘I Can’t Unlove You.’ It sounds like every other Kenny Rogers song: totally listenable, but nothing I’d want to own. My father might dig it, though. When Kenny’s done—there’s Travis Tritt in the audience (he’s a famous country guy)—the kids swarm him. Kellie hugs him, starting a domino effect that continues with Elliott, Paris, Katharine, Chris and Bucky. Ace seems to take advantage of the hugging to get outta dodge. He crosses the stage to stand near Mandisa and Taylor, who offered and received no hug.

And now it’s time for the weekly Ford Ad. This one…it’s a little chaotic. The song is ‘Just One Look’ (originally recorded by Doris Troy, but Linda Ronstadt covered it, as well). In this ad, someone who I thought was an actress playing Paris Hilton, but who was actually Kellie Pickler (!) pulls up to a body shop called Fusion Lab to have her car repaired…or something.

The Idolers, all wearing jumpsuits and goggles and covered in grease (hopefully not taken from Ace’s hair), seem to attack the car with various implements: pipes, crowbars and such. Bucky tries opening the door on the passenger side and it falls right the hell off. (I believe Bucky and his brother work in a body shop back home, so…ouch. Way to drum up business.) The editing here is crazy: all quick cuts, that make the “narrative” difficult to follow. Chris and Ace grit their teeth and bang the back end of the car with their long and hard mallets. Take that as you will. Katherine looks sexy, which I think is the box they’ve decided to put her in. Paris looks like she hopped into a time machine and raided Madonna’s accessory drawer from the Like a Virgin tour. Elliott looks like a hood (again), as he sports a do-rag, wears several chains around his next, and waves two huge speakers at us.

Kellie returns, shocked to see what these mechidiots have done to her car. As the majority of the group tries to hide the vehicle, Kellie rushes forward, all emotional. Katharine and Ace literally grab her by the arms, allowing the others to push the car into another room. Kellie “cries” and Kat strokes her hair. What is this ad? I feel like it’s a pinball machine away from becoming The Accused.

The car is stored away, and Mandisa pulls a lever. There’s a flash of light in the little storage room. The doors open and the car rolls out, magically transformed into a shiny new Ford vehicle. Kellie gets behind the wheel and happily sings along with the others. Our lesson for today: being assaulted is okay as long as you get a new car in the end.

Back in the studio, Elliott is laughing his ass off, as usual. Do they see these ads for the first time along with us? Seacrest, bless him, says, “I have the feeling Kellie thinks that’s how cars are really made.” Cut to Kellie, sitting there with her mouth hanging open. What's that saying? You'll catch more flies with your mouth agape than you will with honey.

Seacrest tells us that next week, the kids will be singing the music of Queen. If Freddie Mercury wasn’t already dead, this surely would have killed him. We see a short clip, playing under ‘We Will Rock You’ of the Idolers rehearsing with the band. Wow, they start early. I mean, this footage had to have been shot today, so in addition to worrying about getting voted off, there’s this to deal with. Sheesh! If I were on American Idol, I’d seriously need Wednesday afternoons to be Me Time.

But now, it’s time for serious business: the weekly elimination.

This week, instead of going by rows, Seacrest breaks the kids into three groups of three. Two of those groups are safe. One is the bottom three. And one of those bottom three is goin’ home. And just to recap myself, my bottom three picks were Elliott, Mandisa, and Paris—with Paris going home. Let’s see how I did…

Group 1: Bucky, Katharine, and Ace. This is a possibility, folks. All have been in the bottom three before. But I thought Bucky had the country vote. Could they have turned on him now, of all weeks? Ace is generally awful, but Katharine was great, despite the fact that America hasn’t caught on to how great.

Group 2: Mandisa, Elliott, and Paris. Result! I toldja so. My guess is that the country viewers would have watched the show and then voted in greater numbers this week. Mandisa and Paris…well, they’re solid, but not traditionally "country". And Elliott, of the boys, is furthest from the genre, too. Had this been R&B week, we’d have seen very different groupings.

Group 3: Taylor, Kellie, and Chris. Come on. I can see one of these in the bottom three—maybe. But all three at once? Don’t joke me, producers.

Seacrest sends Group 3 back to their seats, because, again, come on. So who’s leaving? After the break, it’s Group 1 that gets sent back to chairs. Mandisa, Elliott and Paris are indeed the bottom three. So was I right? Is Paris going home?

After the break, Seacrest puts the kibosh on that notion. He sends Paris back to her seat. She’s safe as can be. Now only Mandisa and Elliott remain. Damn! I knew I should’ve voted for Elliott…but ya know, Mandisa could just as easily get cut.

And, the person going home is…Mandisa.

The confusion in the studio is incredible. In the audience, there’s a dead silence, excitement that verges on cheering, some moaning—everything at once. It’s like these people don’t know what to do when the “applause” signs aren’t turned on. In chairs, we see Taylor Hicks with his hands suspended in mid-clap, looking completely befuddled. Chris has his head down, as if at a funeral. Kellie looks just plain sad. Paris looks surprised, but in one quick shot we see that she’s half-smiling. I suspect that this is because Mandisa is her closest, most direct competitor. It suits Paris to have Mandisa voted off, and I think she’s too young or naive to put on the fake-face. Paula squirms in her chair like she just farted...and it was a messy one.

Elliott tells Mandisa he loves her, hugs her, and at this point the spell of confusion is broken. The audience stands and ovates.

Mandisa’s final words to us are: “I want to thank my fans so much. Your support has meant the world to me. And the prayers have been lifted up for me, I know will continue to have full force for me. So I thank you and I bless you in the name of Jesus.” Yeah, okay. Don’t do me any favors, Mandisa.

Her ‘Had a Bad Day’ montage plays. “You’re going to Hollywood!” Singing live. Photoshoots. Hugging the Manilow. Laughing with Kenny Rogers. Sitting beside Stevie Wonder. Scaring Seacrest with the dog-jaw gag! Good times.

Seacrest tells us to come back next week, and also to watch Unan1mous. Will that evil, bigoted, bankruptcy-lying minister leave the bunker and cut the prize money in half? What if they just kill her and keep her body down there? Technically, that wouldn’t constitute leaving.

Mandisa sings us out, and we’re done.

Come back next week, when the Idolers are Queens for a day…