American Idol: Tuesday ReviewCap (4/4)

Tonight’s theme is “Country Music.” Kill me now.

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest opens the show and--what’s this? He has some sort of growth on his face. It’s not a tumor. It’s a beard—of sorts. In what must be a homage to George Michael, circa 1985, Seacrest has grown a faint, closely buzzed, neatly-shaped parody of a beard on his Muppet-like face. He’s also wearing a dark gray suit, with a hanky poking out of the pocket. His head and body are completely mismatched tonight.

After credits, he strolls out onto the stage like this isn’t a live show and he’s got all the time in the world. He introduces the judges, and the audience applauds. Look! There’s Whoopi Goldberg in the audience! Look! Chris Rock is sitting in front of her! What the hey? They’re the last two celebs I’d expect to find here. Granted, it looks like they're with grandkids and kids, respectively, but still…

“All you have to do is pick up the phone [at the end of the show] and vote for your favorites.” I wish it was that easy, but instead, I’m gonna have to sit through an hour of the dullest music on the planet. Seacrest tells us that this week, they’ve enlisted Kenny Rogers to help the kids, Manilow-style. We go straight into a clipfest of The History of Kenny. I’ll give you the short version:

Kenny Rogers recorded a bunch of hit records. They made him famous. Kenny Rogers is older than your daddy. The end.

We see Kenny walk into the studio, where the kids are group-singing “The Gambler.” Looks like Kenny has been to Cheryl Ladd’s plastic surgeon. (Cheryl Ladd, for you young people, was a pretty girl who, in the 1970's starred in a popular TV-show called Charlie’s Angels. After she hit 40, she had some work done. Currently, you can find Cheryl Ladd’s face at the top of her head.) Kenny advises the gang, and tells the kids that the ultimate country song tells a story and “drops you off at the end of the story with an emotion of some sort.” What, like rage? Severe depression?

Taylor Hicks is first. In his Kenny Klip, he and Kenny are leaning against a piano while Taylor rehearses his song, “Country Road,” by the dead John Denver. Unlike the Training With Barry clips from two weeks ago, it doesn’t look like Kenny is getting involved with arranging the songs, so much as directing the kids on what to do with their voices. That's sort of ill-advised since I think Kenny owes a great deal of his fame to the fact that his voice is unique. Any song coming out of his mouth will sound special, and while he can certainly provide direction, what works for the teacher may not exactly work for the student, as we’ll soon see. Kenny doesn’t seem enthused about Taylor, but he’s so laid back that it’s hard to tell.

We find Taylor on stage, dressed in black. Up front, right up in the audiences’s grill, a fiddler fiddles. What is it with Taylor and the musicians? He pulled that “distract with the sax” tactic a few weeks ago. I hope we’re done with that brand of interaction. Taylor is remarkably sedate this week. For the most part, he’s just standing and singing. No squats, no fits, no tics. He’s in good voice, too, and about halfway through the song he remembers to smile. I still hate him.

Then the song ends and he’s applauding for himself! Do you see? Hate!

Judges. Randy: “The vocal was just okay.” He didn’t see enough personality. Paula: “To me, the song choice didn’t allow you to shine.” Simon: “I thought it was safe, boring, lazy…” Taylor laughs, while in his mind, he riddles the judges with bullets.

Hey look! There’s former Amazing Race contestant, media whore, and wannabe gay icon Reichen Lehmkuhl sitting several rows behind Paula. The stars are out tonight, eh?

Commercials. X3 is coming out soon! Wolverine looks hot. Angel looks hotter! Why is Storm spinning around like a human tornado? That’s not what she does, Halle Berry! Thanks for whining about “wanting more to do.” Is it too late to digitally replace her with Angela Bassett?

Back to the show.

Mandisa’s Kenny Klip is more of the same. Singing piano. Kenny says she has spirit. She takes the stage singing a song with a thousand words, which somehow reminds me of “Afternoon Delight.” I think it’s called “Any Man of Mine” (by Shania Twain) but they’re being cheap with the on-screen song names tonight and I have to pick things up where I can. Anyway, until Mandisa hits the chorus, the song is a mess. Again, when she gets too close to the bottom of her range, she just sounds awful and breathy. I love her, but this didn’t impress me at all. It was a little dull.

The audience cheers, as they must do. And look! There’s Rachel Bilson, of The O.C.! Despite the standing ovation for Mandisa, Rachel sits. She just not feelin’ it, yo.

Judges. Randy: “Weird song choice…at least the last four bars showed some personality.” Paula: “You could sing the phone book.” Simon: “I thought the song was horrible.” And the boos begin.

Seacrest and Simon start bickering about constructive criticism (a sore point with Seacrest this season). This leads, somehow, to Simon saying, “At least I’m not the one trying to look like someone out of Desperate Housewives.” The audience goes crazy. “Lose the beard,” Simon says. At home, Terri Hatcher’s publicist is already scrambling for the phone. In six months, Terri and Seacrest will be engaged with a little Scientology baby on the way. Watch and see.

Elliott Yamine is up next. In his Kenny Klip, Kenny says, “Sing it simply. You’re not trying to impress [people], you’re trying to make ’em cry.” Elliott’s on stage looking cleaner than last week, singing “If Tomorrow Never Comes” (maybe) by Garth Brooks. He sounds terrific. If you can sing a song I’ve never heard before, engage me, and entertain me, you win. That’s Elliott right there. He didn’t make me cry, but he was the best of the night.

Judges. Randy: “It was hot!” Paula: “You are such a breath of fresh air to this business, because you are humble, you are understated, and you know you’re great, but you just have that careless, reckless abandon about you…I think you’re fantastic.” Simon: “I didn’t think it was a great vocal. It was safe. I didn’t hear that same confidance I was used to.”

Paris Bennett greets us back from commerical. She's in the Coca-Cola chair, alongside Seacrest. In her Kenny Kilp, Kenny tells us that Paris “sings big.” He directs her vocals at the piano. News!

Paris is singing “How Do I Live Without You?” This is a country song? I thought it was some sorta easy listening ballad. Oh, well. Paris, like Mandisa, has lower register problems. She doesn’t sound horrible….just not good. And, like Mandisa, she nails it during the powerful chorus-y parts of the song. But I don’t love it at all.

Judges. Randy: “I can tell this is one of the toughest songs you’ve sung. The front part of it was not good.” Paula: “I didn’t feel like you connected with the song.” Simon: “I disagree with Paula.” The crowd goes apeshit. “I thought it was an excellent choice of song. Reminded me of…early Dionne Warwick.” Except no.

Ace Young takes his turn. In his Kenny Klip, they lean on a piano. Kenny says, “Ace matched with this song is the best match of music and singer in the whole bunch.” Heh…yeah. Ace is singing “I Wanna Cry,” and so do I after hearing this. He’s sitting on stage, looking hot except for that greasy looking mop of hair on his head—and it does look like a mop, all stringy and nasty, like something you’d find in your momma’s basement. The vocals…ugh. He sounds like a reject from a bad boy band, all soft-voiced and bland. He ends on a falsetto note, and it's just so whatever. Enough of this guy already.

Judges. Randy: “It was nice…it was really boring for me.” But he liked the falsetto. Paula: “Ace, when you go into the high falsetto, that’s your signature. It was a contemporary, nice take on the song.” Simon basically says that tonight Ace chose the right song.

Kellie Pickler is in Coca-Cola Corner. Seacrest brings up the fact that some people think her “naivete” is just an act, leading Kellie into a long blather about “calamari” and “salmon.” So basically, she’s just dumb. Seacrest says, “So this is the real you?” Kellie is affirmative. “Well, you should be proud of that, then!” Seacrest says. Sometimes I just want to hug this man, because if he's being genuine, that's really sweet, and if he isn't, he's fucking awesome!

In her Kenny Klip, Kellie and Kenny bond over the whole country thing. They rehearse at the piano. She’ll be singing “Fancy,” and begins doing so in the audience, working her way onto the stage. Wow…she looks great, she sounds great. What up with that? She’s not tarted up at all, but sexy in a tight red top (with a reasonable amount of makeup). She’s off last week’s sleepy pills, so her energy is really good, her face animated. Well done, Brandine!

Judges. Randy: “Finally, finally, finally in your element! I thought it was great…this is your night, baby!” Paula: “I agree, this is a great night for you.” Simon: “I hated the song, but I thought your performance was very good.”

Back from commerical, and Seacrest points out Whoopi and Chris Rock. They don’t get to speak, though. That might cost Fox a dollar and they’re tight with cash when it comes to this show. Check this out:

http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/american_idol_5/2006_Apr_04_contestant_families

Chris Daughtry will be tackling a song that’s “not easy to start with,” says Kenny in his Klip. “This is gonna go one way or the other,” he forebodes. Nice, Kenny. In other words, “This might suck.”

For a change, we’re spared the arena-rock lightshow. Chris is sitting on a stool and singing his song, possibly called “I’m Gonna Love You” by Keith Urban. He sounds smooth and masculine (Ace, are you listening?). Like the girls, he has that lower register problem, but he goes there so infrequently, it’s hardly noticable. This is his best performance yet, because for the first time since auditions, Chris is singing, not running around, growling his face off.

Judges. Randy: “It was good for you change up tonight…I actually really enjoyed it…good job!” Paula: “You showed versatility and you still stayed true to who you are—what a concept!” Simon: “For two weeks now, you, as contestants, have chosen really boring, uninteresting songs, and I think the audience at home deserve better than that.” It’s no secret that Simon dislikes country music, and it’s fairly obvious that no more than two Idolers are really suited for that genre. So why green-light Country Night? Is it to push Kellie further along? Are you trying to get middle America to cast more votes? Really, I wonder what this is all about. Every year, it’s the same thing with him.

Katharine McPhee gets Kenny Klipped next. She wants to sing something with a bluesy feel, because country isn't really what she does. On stage, Kat is belting out something called “You’re Bringing Out the Elvis in Me,” which irritates me because I have Elvis issues. That said, Kat's having an awesome time on stage. She’s expressive, smiling and just full of joy. Ya know, every week I watch this show, and on the first pass, Katharine is just okay…but watching it back to write this recap, I’m always very impressed. This girl has chops. She has a good voice. Maybe she’s got too much Kelly Clarkson happening for the show to get behind her. I just can’t figure out why they’re not trying to sell us Katharine when she’s, without a doubt, a better singer than Kellie.

Judges. Randy: “Yo, yo…I like it, you sang it very nice.” Paula: “That’s your niche. You look sexy, hot.” Simon: “I don’t know what to say…that song was just so peculiar.” And here, I think, is why I dig Katharine. She says, as a patient mother would say to a child, “Simon, you just don’t like country music. It’s okay. Just say it.” Simon admits it, nodding and smiling: “I don’t.”

Wow…so I guess this means Bucky is closing out the show! Amazing!

Bucky Covington, in the last Kenny Klip of the night, hangs out piano-side with Kenny. Kenny tells him “it’s really important on a song like this that you over-annunciate” and Bucky laughs adorably, because he’s a Mr. Mumbly and he’s heard this a thousand times before.

Bucky’s singing “Best I Ever Had” by Gary Allan. It’s really not what I expected. I thought he’d come out and Garth Brooks his ass all over the stage to some honky-tonk tune, but instead, we’re getting a sad and lonely sounding mid-tempo number. It’s a good song, but unfortunately, for me, Bucky doesn’t do the job. He’s off key in the beginning, and it throws things out of whack. By the time he gets to the chorus, he sounds better, but coming out of it, when he sits on the edge of the stage for the slower finale, he starts sliding back into that weak area, vocally. But he’s happy with himself, and a happy Bucky pleases me.

Judges. Randy: “It was alright…a little pitchy in the front…good song choice for you tonight.” Paula: “You and Kellie probably shined most tonight. This is your element.” Simon: It sounded okay to me.”

After the recap/voting numbers sequence, we’re back on stage, with the kids lined up in singing order. Ryan is positioned between Ace and Kellie, (in the fifth and sixth slots, respectively) giving them a degree of prominence. In previous seasons, this lineup suspiciously favored the show’s hot picks. Now, while the order is justified, it still seems like a manipulation. I dunno...

Anyway, my bottom three picks, based soley on what I imagine with be a larger-than-usual ratio of country-loving voters: Elliott, Mandisa and Paris. This might be Paris’s week to go home. I hope Elliott stays, though...because once again, I forgot to vote.

Tomorrow, 9 become 8…