American Idol: Wednesday ReviewCap (3/29)
Shakira “performs” and 10 become 9…
by Frank Pittarese“The drama is about to begin—live,” warns Seacrest. And, while there really isn’t much by way of drama, there’s bellydancing, bad rapping, and at least one Bottom Three surprise.
Seacrest introduces the Top 10 and the judges, before presenting a clipfest about “A Day in the Life” of an American Idol. But don’t be fooled. It’s really a propaganda piece meant to generate interest in the movie Ice Age: The Meltdown. We do briefly see the gang walking red carpets, then in hair and makeup, prepping for photo shoots, but the centerpiece of this clipfest is each Idoler talking about which of the lame characters was their favorite, intercut with quick shots-n-soundbytes of said character. Mandisa, the diplomat, says, “It was just nice to get out and see a good movie.” This is followed up by a super-quick return to the photo shoot, where we see the finished product: a group shot.
There’s some interesting stuff going on in the photo. At first glance, it’s just a picture of ten fools, but look again and you’ll see The Manipulators at work. The kids are situated into three rows. Up front, on the floor, are Paris and Chris. In row two, sitting or squatting (I can’t tell) are Ace, Kellie and Taylor. Waaay in the back, smaller than the rest, not as well lit and more difficult to see are Katharine, Lisa, Elliott, Mandisa and Bucky. Honestly, that last row looks like one big afterthought. It’s that up-front group of five that have the strongest visual presence, and it’s specifically Kellie, in the center, who attracts the eye with her white face and big head of blonde hair. This show is all about keeping certain players front and center in order to subliminally direct the voting. Sometimes it doesn’t work. Often it does. That’s all.
We return from the first commerical break to witness the weekly Ford Ad. This week, the American Idols will be singing “Give a Little Love.” (And no, I’ve never heard this song, so presumably it’s from the 21st Century.) It’s some kinda reggae thing. Very bland and harmless. It almost sounds like something you’d hear on Sesame Street. The kids are bopping and/or walking down the street, meeting and greeting each other as their numbers grow. I could watch Elliott dance all day, people. All of a sudden, they’re singing their way down through the exterior set of Everybody Hates Chris (a most-funny sitcom currently airing on UPN). Are we not supposed to recognize these faux streets of Brooklyn? Passersby join the happy group of Idolers, and here I’m hoping this’ll turn into a well-choreographed Janet Jackson video, like “When I Think of You.” But that doesn’t happen.
Lisa encounters a frightening biker dude with a long, braided goatee, and gives him an ice pop. Taylor dances like he’s got the palsy, and it’s all so forced and irritating and go away Taylor! Bucky strides out, strumming a guitar. I don’t think there’s a guitar playing on this track, but okay. Bucky looks happy, and I’m all for him having a good Idol experience. God! More Taylor, dancing with an old woman. Again, he looks like he needs to make a doot. Or maybe he made it and he’s trying to shake it out of his pants. The gang reaches their Ford vehicles, dance a bit, and we’re clear.
Back in the studio, Seacrest introduces “two artists who are the epitome of pop success today.” He’s talking about Shakira and Wyclef Jean. Yeah…I don’t get it, either. She might have a good voice, but much like Christina Aguilera, she’s nothing but a T&A joke (minus Aguilera’s Skank Factor). Who is Wyclef Jean? Here’s what I know: he was on the final season of Third Watch as a gang leader who amassed an army to literally destroy the 55th Precinct in the show’s final episode. Very enjoyable. He also was part of a “reward” on The Apprentice last season, when the winning team wrote and recorded their own rap song called “Rubble Man.” Hi-larious! But I don’t want to hear him sing. Or her. This is high-energy dumb.
Shakira hits the stage dressed like a belly dancer—but that’s okay because she’s actually belly dancing while she sings. Wyclef is sing-rapping while she dances. He’s also yelling “Hey” a lot, in time with the song. The “Heys” seem to be live, but everything else out of his mouth sounds like a vocal track to which, possibly, he’s singing along with live. She’s 100% live and totally out of breath, which I appreciate, but I don’t understand why she has to cheapen her talent with all this boobs-n-butt nonsense. More belly dancers come out, and Shakira works her veiled skirt. Somebody get this girl a pole! Wyclef runs out to the platform behind the judges, practically stands on Paula, who rests her hand on his sneaker. He sings at her, Randy, and Simon. I’d rather see him reenact the Third Watch finale on them. The song ends and the crowd goes wild. Seacrest outtros with “I feel guilty watching,” whatever that means. If he wants to get naked and shake his ass on stage, he shouldn’t hold back on my account. That kind of cheap I can support.
Finally, we get to the Seacrest-narrated recap of last night. Wanna know what happened? Go read my recap.
The kids are sitting in two rows.
Bottom row, left to right: Mandisa, Chris, Kellie, Taylor, and Paris.
Seacrest announces the names of the bottom row in order, offering no commentary on last night’s performances. “America voted. You are all safe.” The crowd goes wild.
Top row, left to right: Elliott, Lisa, Ace, Katharine, and Bucky.
Who will get booted? After the break, Seacrest breaks it down. Elliott is safe. Lisa smiles politely, expecting the worst. She’s in the bottom three yet again. Toldja. Ace looks about ready to die in his chair. He was in the bottom three two weeks ago—and he’s there again tonight. That leaves Katharine and Bucky. So Buc--what?!? No! Katharine is in the bottom three tonight. The audience goes nuts with the booing and someone is literally screaming out there. This is very unexpected. I figured the Country voters would keep Bucky safe—but completely out of the bottom three? And Katharine, of all people, should not be there. Paris, maybe. Even Kellie. But Kat? That’s just wrong.
The Bottom Three stand in a row on stage: Lisa, Ace, Katharine. The latter two strike the exact same pose, with their thumbs hooked into their pants pockets. Ace, nervous and shaking, is thisclose to vibrating over to Earth 2, and I’m pretty sure Katharine wasn’t expecting any of this. Lisa has a look in her eye like, “Yeah, uh-huh…I knew this was coming. Let’s just do it.” Ryan Seacrest is a short man.
Commericals and back again. Seacrest will send one person back to safety right now, and that’s Kat--what?!? It’s Ace! What the hell? Seacrest asks the judges for their thoughts.
Simon: Katharine was nowhere near as good when he watched the show back last night.
Seacrest: “Paula, why do you think Lisa and Katharine are standing here—especially Katharine?” Especially Katharine? Hey, Seacrest! Lisa is two feet away and she can hear you! That was just an asstarded thing to say.
Paula: “America votes. You gotta remember to keep voting for all the ones that you love.” Hmm…useful, Paula. Thank you.
Randy: “You’re never really safe…you just never know.” Also very useful.
Final words from the girls…
Lisa: “Whatever happens, happens. I’m happy with the decision.” The girl is more boring than math, but she’s got grace.
Katharine: “Whatever God’s plan for me…that’s all I have in my mind right now.” The crowd cheers. According to Mandisa, there’s nothing too hard for God, so theoretically, he has time work out a plan for Katharine. Still, Katharine might want to work on that herself, in case God is off making floods or impregnating virgins.
Seacrest gets to it: Lisa is out. Katharine is safe. Whew!
We once again witness the “Had a Bad Day” clipfest, which is really just one degree removed from the Academy Award's “Roll Call of the Dead.” Remember that time Lisa auditioned? Remember when she sang live for the first time? Remember that time she laughed? She’s dead now.
“We’re going Country next week,” says Seacrest. Wow. Now I’m starting to wonder if the producers have realized that Ace is a losing bet. Normally, they’d wait for Bucky to get booted before allowing him to perform in his element—but Ace is a proven failure. Could they have decided to move their eggs over to Kellie’s basket (and Bucky’s, for that matter, if only by default)? Next week, Ace could get sabotaged by this theme and they’ll be rid of him. That could be good.
Seacrest tell us to watch Unan1mous (which, yes, you should—it’s an evil, evil show). Lisa sings herself out, the picture of decorum, but boring as ever. Paris floods the set with her tears. The kids gather around Lisa, because that’s how it’s done. And we’re out.
