American Idol: Tuesday ReviewCap (3/28)

Tonight’s theme is “Songs of the 21st Century.” My theme is “I’ve Never Heard This Song.”

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest tells us we’re down to 10. We’re live and it’s “gonna be a tight show." If by “tight,” he means the episode is only an hour long tonight, then sure. But if by “tight,” he means "bad" as in “phat,” then a) absolutely not, and b) shut up, Seacrest.

The Idolers will be performing “Songs of the 21st Century,” which opens up a vast six-year catalogue of absolute crap. I don’t have my head buried in the musical sand—I mean, I listen to new stuff now and again—but I’m of the mind that American pop music, generally, stopped being worthwhile in 1989, so this evening to gonna be a mess for me.

Lisa Tucker starts things off. Her choice is “Because of You” (2005) by Kelly Clarkson. Kelly was the first winner of American Idol, back when we were all young and innocent. I’ve never heard this song.

The song is a ballad, and Lisa is standing stock still, centerstage, singing blandly and weakly into the microphone. Her voice is okay, and she belts out a really strong note when she reaches the chorus, but by the time she things get rolling with a bit of arm-waving, we’re listening to a whole lot of who cares?  Lisa has the mutant power of “boring.” Because of the hour-long show, these kids are basically singing a verse, a chorus and a verse (if even). They have two minutes to wow us, and since Lisa couldn’t swing that with three minutes in week’s past, well…

Judges. Randy: “It was really just alright…it wasn’t that good. I’m sorry, I gotta keep it real.” Paula (with a fabulous new brunette hair color): “When you take a song that’s so popular [it is?]…you’ve gotta take a twist on the song and make it completely different so there’s no comparison whatsoever.” Dead silence from the audience right here, so you know Lisa’s in the shit. Simon: “The song is the song….there were parts that were just painful…it didn’t work. ”

Seacrest struts out and asks Lisa about song choice. “No guts, no glory,” says she. Also, honey? No personality, no prize. I think they let Lisa sing first tonight because she’s forgettable, and ultimately, the viewers will forget her when it comes time to vote.

Kellie Pickler is next, singing “Suds in the Bucket” (2002) by Sara Evans. I’ve never heard this song, but it’s country, so I can easily forgive myself. “It’s a typical fairy tale story,” she tells us. Something about going to Vegas and getting hitched. Isn’t that every country song ever written? Well, except the ones about how Daddy’s in prison? Oops, sorry Kellie. Didn’t mean to get personal.

Kellie wanders out on stage looking as if she’s been aroused from an especially good nap. She’s got an Abdulish vacancy in her eyes, and sings rather listlessly. Last week’s tarty makeup is gone, so that’s good. But Jesus, what is this? Is she going to fall asleep on us right here? That would be awesome! Unconsciousness would definitely get my vote, as would vomiting. Some chick passed out during judging on America’s Next Top Model last year, and truly, reality television gets no better than that. Except Idol is live. Pass out, Kellie…please pass out.

But no. She finishes. Blah. Smiling at us stupidly. Ugh.

Judges. Randy: “This song wasn’t exciting enough for your voice. I think you’re better than that.” Paula: “You’re way better than that song choice” Kellie responds: “I’m sorry.” Simon: “There are thousands and thousands of songs to choose from, and you choose some gimicky, rodeo, lassoing, whatever nonsense song.” Judges, this creature is your creation. That’s all I can say.

Ace Young is next, promising to “show us more of a rock edge.” Ace will be singing “Drops of Jupiter” (2001) by Train. I know this one! Yay to me. This is…interesting. It looks like Ace will pantomime the song while he sings it. “She’s back in the atmosphere/with drops of Jupiter in her hair,” he sings, touching his greasy mop to match the lyrics. Ace looks to be on Kellie’s medication. His voice is weak, lacking any power, strength or masculinity. He constantly drifts off key. Ace’s rock edge is dull. “Tell me/did you fall from a shooting star/one without a permanent scar.” Ace pulls at the neck of his button-down shirt, revealing a scar near his collarbone. Right here is where I wish he’d sung “Monster” by Fred Schneider of the B-52’s. “There’s a monster in my pants/and it does a nasty dance.” Do you see?

Judges. Randy: “Completely the wrong song for you and you didn’t sing it well…I did not like this.” Paula: “It wasn’t my most favorite.” Then, “Is that a real scar? One day you’ll have to explain to me how you got that.” The crowd erupts into sexual harrasment-induced chaos as Simon chides, “Paula…” At home Corey Clark points at his TV screen, screaming, “See?!? See?!?” Simon: “That wasn’t a great vocal…it was quite karaoke, actually.” He says that a lot, but right now? True.

Ace tells Seacrest he’s glad he chose the song (so there!). Then Ryan questions him about the scar. It has something to do with basketball and falling on a t-bar or tee-bar. Whatever. Some heterosexual sports thing. Paula thanks Ryan for asking, to which Seacrest replies, “I don’t know what [Simon] was talking about, Paula.” Good scandals are like diamonds. They’re forever.

Taylor Hicks welcomes us back from commerical. He and Seacrest are sitting on the stage left stools, while the background TV screens “subliminally” induce us to buy Coke. Or drink blood. Who can tell? Funny that Taylor, for the second time in this competition, gets a bonus interview. You’d think they were trying to get us to like/remember/vote for him. Hmmm…

Taylor will sing “Trouble” (2004) by Ray LaMontagne. I’ve never heard this song. It apparently involves singing the word “trouble” 312 times before getting to the point. Then “worry” an additional 72 times. Taylor, if you don’t look at him, sounds good. He’s got a bit of Ray Charles by way of Joe Cocker happening, and this week he’s actually singing, as opposed to distracting us with the shiny saxamophone.

But to look at him? Criminy! He’s squeezing his knees together, like he’s bowlegged or worse, like he has to make a doodie. I hope his mommy comes to take him off stage before he has an accident. The deeper he gets into the song, the more he bends and squeezes. We’re two seconds from Turdville with this performance. Fortunately, the music stops. The crowd goes wild.

Judges. Randy: “It was just alright. It wasn’t the best for me, for you.” Paula: “You’re teaching the new generation a lot about legends of who you looked up to.” Ah…yeah. Simon: “I thought it was an excellent vocal.” Then he complains about Taylor’s styling being too “Clay Aiken,” which, while I hate Taylor, is totally off the mark. Taylor looks to be dressing trendier, in Ace mode. Clay was always made up like a woman and wearing pant-suits. Whatev, Cowell.

Mandisa is a’comin’. She’s performing “Wanna Praise You” (2000) also known as “Shackles” by the Gospel duo Mary, Mary. I’ve never heard this song before (and neither have you). It means a lot to Mandisa because it’s “a testimony that there’s nothing too hard for God.” Which, sure. If you believe in God, then it’s common knowledge that he created, like, the whole friggin’ universe. Of course nothing’s too hard for him. Do you think he ever agonizes over a tax form? Basic geometry? Baking a cake? He’s God, Mandisa. That means he’s like Jeannie. Blink! There’s a planet. Blink! There’s some people! Blink! Eff these people, here’s a flood! Nothing’s too hard for God—but he can be a bitch sometimes. That should be a song.

So here’s Mandisa, all high energy and yell-singing at the crowd. “This song goes out to everybody that wants to be free!” I don’t know if this is part of the lyric or if Mandisa is just pulling a Diana Ross, but the girl is in control of the crowd. She’s not quite in control of her voice, unfortunately. The non-shouty parts (which she can always handle) are way too low and beneath her range. It doesn’t sound like a gospel song, which I suppose is good, but it’s difficult listening to something so completely out of context and trying to judge it. Ultimately, it doesn’t work as a song, but she still pulls off the performance by virtue of her presence, which is an amazing thing.

Judges. Randy: “The song choices tonight…I don’t quite get it.” Paula: “There’s a new religion and fourty million people have now joined the Church of Mandisa.” Mandisa smiles and shakes her head at this profound blasphemy. Simon: “I thought it was a bit indulgent.” The crowd boos.

Commericials. The Loop will be on at 8:30 this Thursday. Watch it. It’s one of the funniest shows on TV right now, with a great theme song, an attractive cast, and the best use of the “Darrin Stephens plot resolution” since Bewitched went off the air in 1972.  It’s worth it for the slang alone. It's also a little dirty.

Chris Daughtry is featured in the next Coca-Cola interview segment. When they talk to Bucky during one of these, then and only then will I believe it’s not an act of manipulation. Right here is where Chris cops to singing Live’s version of “Walk the Line” last week—not an original arrangement as the show led us to believe. Nice clean up job.

Chris is singing “What If” (2000) by Creed. Aren’t they the holy guys, whose lead singer just did amateur porn with Kid Rock? There’s hope for Mr. Daughtry yet. I’ve never heard this song before—or so I thought till I heard the chorus. It must’ve played in the background of Smallville or some other crap WB show, because I don’t own any Creed. Chris gets the full, and expected, rock star treatment while he sings. Strobe lights, “crazy” camera angles, etc. It’s all becoming very ordinary. Chris has a great rock voice, but he’s running the risk of boring us week after week. I need Disco Night to happen soon.

Judges. Randy: “I like the song choice…but it wasn’t your best vocal.” Paula: “What if…I’m one of your biggest fans?” Simon: “Creed would not be seen dead on this show. You’ve got to start showing a different side to you.” Simon gets a lot of crap for his negativity, but he’s really the smartest pea in this tripod.

Katharine McPhee, who is growing on me as the weeks progress, will perform “The Voice Within” (2004) by Christina Aguilera. Also? I’ve never heard this song before. She’s on stage in some tight outfit with boots and a top that seems to have a vest incorporated into it, giving it a corset-like look, with frills hanging from the bottom. It’s very sexy, although she looks like she’s just come from Slayer Camp. This song is a power ballad of some sort, and I imagine the Xtina version was full of irritating runs and over-singing, because that’s how Xtina rolls. Katharine nails it. No runs, no over-singing. Her voice is just beautiful and her energy is fantastic. Somehow she’s managing to sing for the studio audience, but she’s also performing for the TV viewers—without mugging to the camera, Constantine-style. Fantastic!

Judges. Randy: “It was kinda just like the record.” Shows how much I know. Paula: “I wouldn’t have changed a thing.” Simon: “I think it was the best tonight. And it was almost, almost as good as Christina.”

Bucky Covington is singing “Real Good Man” (2002) by Tim McGraw. I’ve never…aw, you know. Bucky, my Bucky. He looks adorable on stage in his little cowboy hat and western shirt, as he awkwardly bops back and forth, twirling his microphone. Unfortunately, I can only understand about a third of what he’s singing. He’s in his element, though, that’s for damn sure, and is all smiles at the end.

Judges. Randy: “This is definitely the right kind of song for you…you’re back at home in your country suit.” Then stop making him sing ’50s songs, you asshat. Paula: “Be careful of your diction.” Bucky laughs because Bucky knows. Simon: “I agree with Paula. I didn’t understand a single word you just said.” He was not impressed and thought Bucky was “winging it.”

Paris Bennett, starring in Escape from Sister Act 3, will sing “Work It Out” (2003) by Beyonce. I need to listen to the radio more. Or maybe I’m better off not bothering. Anyway, little Paris is all “Come on!” at the audience, waving her arm and strutting. This song starts off like “Dancing Machine” by the Jackson 5, which confuses me because I’m old. Paris is sexing it up and swinging her hair extensions around like a crazy person. It’s a good performance, especially for Paris who till now has had trouble keep her voice steady while moving around. She looks pleased with herself when she’s done.

Judges. Randy: “That was fearless. It was the bomb!” Paula: “I think the Pussycat Dolls might be calling you up to star in their show.” Nobody can rock a kiddie porn gag like Paula. Simon: “I thought it precocious. It’s like a little girl pretending to be Beyonce. Whoopee.”

Elliott Yamine wraps up tonight’s show with “I Don’t Want to Be” (2003) by Gavin DeGraw. I technically don’t know this song, either, except Bo Bice sang it last year, and the judges loved him for it because he was being true to himself. (Translation: he stayed in his box that week.) Elliott, who I adore, hits the stage looking like he’s preparing to hold up a 7-11 after the show. Hoodie under a jacket. Hood over the jacket collar. Clean, but thuggish. He’s bouncing around like Cornelius from Planet of the Apes, “dancing” by standing still and bopping at the knees. Regardless, his voice is soulful and smooth as silk. It’s too bad Chris has been labelled as this year’s star, and Ace and Taylor are the judge’s hot picks, because Elliott has more talent and versatility than any of the boys. I hope he wins, but I don’t see it happening.

Judges. Randy: “America, this boy can sing!” Paula: “You are one funky white boy!” Simon: “Great song, terrible arrangement, good vocal. And the dancing was hideous.”

Elliot is smiling with an honesty you’ll never get from Taylor Hicks, then breaks into his Cornelius dance while Seacrest hit us with the numbers. I forgot to vote tonight, so if Elliott goes home, America can blame me.

Bottom three predictions: Lisa Tucker, Bucky Convington, and Ace Young. Bucky will have the limited protection of the country lovers. He’s safe this week. Ace might still have a teenage girl (or boy) fanbase, so he’s safe. Unfortunately for Lisa, I don’t think the Boring Society of America watches this show, so no votes for her. Bye, bye, Lisa.

Tune in tomorrow, when 10 become 9.