American Idol: Wednesday ReviewCap (3/22)

The Manilow sings, as 11 become 10…

by Frank Pittarese

We’re live, people. Seacrest is lookin’ mighty fine, as he lets us know that 35 million votes came in last night. He thanks us, introduces the kids and the judges, and then recaps yesterday’s events. After the recap, it’s time for commericals, which include the weekly American Idol Ford Ad. These are always so horrible, which automatically makes them the best part of every Results Show. Yay!

This week, the kids sing “We Got the Beat,” a song that has nothing to do with the theme of the 1950s, Barry Manilow, or, well, anything else. My first thought upon seeing the gang pull up in their various Ford vehicles, unloading surfboards and beach gear at frightening speeds was, “Maybe Chris or Ace will take off his shirt!” But no dice. This show is safer than G-rated. It’s A for Asexual all the way.

The thirty second clip is full of hijinks, and each Idoler gets a single or shared close up (or two, because they’re determined to inflict that malignant Taylor Hicks upon us). Kevin looks almost hot, in a t-shirt that reads “Love Machine.” Mind you, his head is 40% obscured by a massive pair of sunglasses, so I’m sure that has something to do with it. Chris, Ace, and Bucky bop back and forth like three idiots, but they’re so totally having a blast shooting this thing, so it's forgivable. Mandisa works a huge, floppy pink hat. Kellie is wearing a visor of some sort that makes her look like a Burger King employee. “D’y’all want frahs with that?” Katharine looks great. Taylor successfully appears retarded, even in the span of 2 seconds worth of footage. Congratulations, you assclown. Elliott looks thuggish. Paris looks like the love child of Flavor Flav. She throws a giant beach ball at Elliott and knocks him down. Paris! Elliott is diabetic and 90% deaf in one ear. Must you abuse him so? Kevin is now buried up to his neck in a sand sculpture shaped like a body builder. Will this joke never end? (Foreshadowing replies: Yes, it will.) The gang hop back into their Fordmobiles, leaving Kevin behind. But fear not, because two Hot Chicks stumble across his little head in the sand. Presumably they’ll dig him out before the tide comes in and this turns into George Romero’s Creepshow.

We’re back on stage. Elliott is cracking the hell up. He’s easily amused, this one. Seacrest then introduces Barry Manilow, and the audience goes buck wild. They’re forced to banter over the audience for a few seconds, because these people will not shut up. Seacrest informs us that Barry flew in on his own dime Monday morning, just to follow up on his training sessions and make sure all the musical arrangements were in order. Then he sings “Love is a Many Splendored Thing,” to show us what the Fifties were all about (and, coincidentally, plug his new CD). I hear this song, and I’m reminded of the first few minutes of Grease. Grease is awesome, and anybody who doesn’t like it is a commie.

In the audience, various people are standing and/or swaying, including Paula who…sit down, Paula…and ex-Idoler Bobby Bennett, who was one of the first evicted contestants. Bobby is a huge fan of the Manilow, and his sole performance was a fan-fecking-tastic rendition of “Copacabana” sung in the style of a crazed Jackie Gleason. It was one of the best Idol moments ever and I wish I’d taped it. Anyway, singing, swaying, etc. Barry Manilow sounds like Barry Manilow, and you either enjoy and appreciate what he does or you don’t. Personally, if I were there, I might cry, but I’m gay like that sometimes.

Barry wraps up the song and the Idolers rush the stage. Bobby is among them, all hugging Barry and crying. It’s a really sweet moment, and I’m glad the producers were nice enough to invite this kid back tonight.

After commericals, we’re back to The Serious. The kids are sitting in two rows, and Seacrest gives us the rundown. Who will be in the bottom three?

First row: Ace was in the bottom three last week. This week he is not. (All of that was a manipulation. “Bottom three” him last week, then give him the closing number on Tuesday. It’s a subtle, but familiar Jedi mind trick that this show uses often.) Mandisa is safe. Elliott…I worry…but he’s also safe. Kellie…Christ on Christmas. Ryan recaps that Simon called her “ballsy and sexy,” to which Kellie responds, “What’s a ballsy?” What indeed. She’s safe. The crowd roars when Seacrest addresses Chris. He’s safe. Paris…waiting for it…she’s safe, too. Oh, my.

Second row. Left to right, we’ve got Katharine, Kevin, Lisa, Bucky and Taylor. Seacrest starts with Katharine, who is safe, then…oh, boy…he skips to the end of the row to Taylor. Taylor is safe. That leaves Kevin, Lisa and Bucky as the bottom three. There’s much booing from the crowd, and it feels strangely genuine (I think it’s mostly for Kevin). After commericals, somebody gets the boot.

Commericals. They run that Coke commerical where that guy in red socks dances around his loft. I could watch that shit all day. Hey Red Socks Guy, if you read this, please come dance in my apartment. I’ll move the comics out of the way so you’ll have room. It’ll be good. Please and thanks.

We’re back. Seacrest sends Lisa back to chairs. She’s not in the bottom two. The girl is shocked, as am I. This doesn’t bode well, and I fear for Bucky. Paula looks a bit shaken (and stirred), because I believe she favors Kevin. I’m not sure what the judges know before the booting happens. Odds are, they know who’s leaving…but we’ve never been told as much, or even been given an indication. But Paula’s demeanor is very telling.

Seacrest asks Paula for “advice for Bucky and Kevin right now.” Which is useful, I’m sure, for the guy who’s staying. Paula talks about how non-AI winners have met with success: Bo Bice, Clay Aiken, Jennifer Hudson will be starring in the Dreamgirls film with Beyonce. These guys can change the blueprint of their lives. That's pretty profound for Paula, yo.

Bucky is safe. Kevin is going home.

“Chicken Little leaves us!” yells Seacrest, and I cringe. I know that Seacrest likes these kids. Week to week, that’s obvious, and I think he’s even more protective of them than Paula. So I don’t doubt that all this “Kevin is a stud/Chicken Little” jazz was meant in good fun, but having been on the receiving end of such jibes, good intentions don’t make ’em any less hurtful. Kevin has been a trooper, taking it well, but I’m sure it’s been eating away at him and now, at the vote-out, is the worst time to be hearing shit like that.

Anyway, we get the “Had a Bad Day” montage of Kevin’s history on the show, with an insert of Kevin’s reaction as he’s watching. The kid is holding it together well enough, but he’s definitely upset. I don’t think he saw this coming. Hell, I didn’t see it coming. I thought he Federoved his way through to next week.

Kevin thanks America. Seacrest invites us back next week when the Idolers will perform “Songs of the 21st Century” (of which I’m sure I’ll know none). Then Kevin sings us out with “When I Fall in Love” one last time. He’s cut off before he can finish. It’s time for Unan1mous. And that’s not a typo.