American Idol: Tuesday ReviewCap (3/21)

It’s ’50s night, the perfect time for Barry Manilow to plug his new album…

by Frank Pittarese

Tonight’s musical theme is “The 1950s,” and the 11 remaining Idols will perform live—but not before they spend a day training with Barry Manilow. What does he have to do with the ’50s? Wouldn’t it make more sense if tonight were “Barry Manilow” night? Well, sure. But Barry has a new album out at the moment called The Greatest Songs of the Fifties. Product placement, pull up a chair.

Before we get rolling, I’d just want to point out that these “kids” are often told to “keep it young” and not to sing songs their grandmas would like. So of course, the producers have asked them to essentially sing “Songs By Dead People,” and spend a day training with a sixty-something-year-old man who, while talented, has a fan base of women over the age of 40. I’m just sayin’.

Onward.

Mandisa is up first, singing “I Don’t Hurt Anymore” from 1954. I’ve never heard it, and this era is not unfamiliar to me. (I’m not that old, so shut up.) In her Training With Barry clip, Barry tells her to open big and end big, but Mandisa thinks she should start soft and end big. Barry says she was “absolutely right.” He also says Mandisa has “no range,” by which he means she has great range. He gives her a hug and it’s very sweet. Anyway, Mandisa takes the stage, all dressed in black and looking like a million bucks. She starts off slow and sexy, then her voice just builds into this powerful force and she effing kills, ending bigger than big and bringing down the house. There’s good stuff to come, and even great stuff, but for me, this was the best performance of the night.

The Judges: Randy says it was “an unbelievable performance,” Paula, half-lidded tonight, and sedate (for awhile, at least), tells Mandisa her performance was flawless. “You’re a thoroughbread,” says Paula. Simon, clearly impressed, admits that it was “sexy performance” and that he “absolutely loved it.” And he loves nothing, so pay attention y’all.

Bucky Covington follows. I love Bucky. He gets a lot of crap on line for being dirty or dim or whatever, but I just love this kid to death and really want him to stick around, at least as long as it takes to be part of the “Idols on Tour” concert (which means making the final ten, so I’ll tell you right now, Bucky gets my votes tonight). Bucky will sing Buddy Holly’s “Oh Boy!” (1957). In his TWB clip, we see Barry rocking up the arrangement a bit, to suit Bucky’s voice. So Bucky hits the stage, all growly-voiced but looking somewhat awkward on stage. The first time I watched this, I wasn’t crazy about his performance, but on a second pass, it’s quite good. He works out a key change, ends on a falsetto, moves around a bit, and gives his mike a joyful toss-n-twirl when he’s done. You go, Bucky!

The Judges: Randy says, “It wasn’t the best vocal you’ve done, but it was the perfect song for you.” Paula asks Bucky how it was to work with Barry, contributing nothing, really. Simon shows up with a “reality check,” calling it a “pointless karaoke performance.” I’d respond by pointing at Ace Young later on, but we’ll get to that in good time.

Paris Bennett will sing Peggy Lee’s “Fever” (1958) which…wow…okay. The girl is what, 17 years old? This song is all about the sex. In her TWB clip, Barry points out that this is a mature song. Ayep. Paris comes out in a yellow silk dress with a flower in her hair, looking more 1925 than 1958. After a shaky start, she kicks this song right in the ass and owns it. Her voice is powerful and controlled, and I realize the key to Paris singing well is that she needs to stand still. In past weeks, she’s gotten caught up in dancing and bopping, leaving her voice quivering all over the place. Pitchy, they call it. Anyway, this here is a really good—close to great—performance. The girl still looks like her mama dressed her for Star Search, but she’s got pipes.

The Judges: Randy says “You blew it out the box” and gives Paris props. Paula says her vocals were “impeccable.” Simon says Paris has “the perfect voice for that kind of song.” She’s safe this week, no doubt.

Chris Daughtry needs to do porn. Just once. For me. Please? Okay, whatever. Tonight he’s just gonna sing. His choice is “I Walk the Line” by Mr. Johnny Cash (1955). Chris says he’s going to make it his own, but they all say that, every week. In his TWB clip, Barry says Chris knocked him out and that he’s “never heard this version” of the song before. So Chris takes the stage, dressed in a black shirt and black jeans, and starts singing in a really low voice…a little too low, I think. Below his range. After the first verse, things pick up, and the song, while recognizable as the Cash classic, slowly but surely becomes this new thing: dark but energetic, powerful and desperate. Wow! Strobe lights start going off—effing strobe lights! This is a performance, people. This is a goddang show. Why is Chris even here, doing this? Man should be on the MTV already.

The Judges: Randy wasn’t crazy about the vocal, but loves that Chris “knows who [he is] every week.” Paula parrots Randy, adding that Chris “should already be touring and we should already be buying tickets.” Straight up, Paula. Straight up. Simon says that Chris is the first artist on the show “who’s actually refused to compromise.” Then he applaudes.

Katharine McPhee is up next. Okay, let me just say that I have nothing against the girl, really. I don’t hate her like I do a certain other contestant yet to sing tonight. I just feel that she’s rather generic in that “skinny white girl” way. We’ve seen dozens of Katharine McPhees through the years, and they’re interchangable and ultimately forgettable. That said, the girl does have a personality—a likeable one—and I don’t get any sort of phony or showbizzy vibe off her whatsoever. She’s smart and funny, and I think if the show wasn’t trying to force her down my throat with all this “McFever” crap, I might actually like her. But I’m too aware of how this show manipulates, so I’m not having it. Sorry, Kat. Katharine will sing “Come Rain or Come Shine” (1956). Barry, in the TWB clip, advises Kat to “sing to someone” to make the song work…to give it a point-of-view, essentially. So Katharine steps out and takes what’s really a humdrum standard and packs a whole lot of emotion into what honestly is a terrific vocal. She struts across the stage and her voice is clear, sultry and strong. I still find her a bit boring, as a performer, but really, this was a solid, professional performance. Go figure.

The Judges: Randy says Katharine took a tough song and “worked it out.” Paula says Kat “looks exquisite,” so there you go. Another helpful critique. She also adds that Katharine will be a contender throughout the competition. Simon thinks that tonight, Kat “turned into a star.” He loved it.

Taylor Hicks is next. Oh God…everything was going so well. Taylor is going to sing “Not Fade Away” by Buddy Holly (1957). I don’t know this one, despite my kid brother going through an obsessive Buddy Holly phase when he was a toddler. I shite ye not. In his TWB clip, Taylor asshats his way into the room by singing “Mandy” to Barry. This, by way of introduction. Hate. So Taylor comes onstage dressed in some sort of leisure suit, with white shoes, all hunched over and bopping around. This song here? It involves no actual singing. There’s a sing-songy verse, of sorts, and then Taylor just repeats the “not fade away” part ad nauseum. Then the sax player steps out, and Taylor sings at him for a minute. What goes on here? This is a singing competition, no? This “distract with the sax” business is bullshit. Taylor runs and prances about, looking like he’s about to have a Depends moment in his pants, and ends the song with a pose that makes me want to feed him to piranhas. He’s a menace; the Constantine of this season. I can’t wait till he goes home.

The Judges: Randy loved it. Paula loved it. She thinks Taylor is “fantastic and one of a kind” and that “they broke the mold” after making him. I think he’s the result of a broken mold, but whatever. Simon, bless the man, keeps it real, pointing out that “it was a complete mess…like some sort of party performance.” Taylor yells out, “That’s what the’50s were!” To which I say, shut up, you retarded testicle. Then Paula’s meds wear off and she starts yelling at Simon like an irritating child. Most of the time, that’s okay…even entertaining. But right now, she needs to pipe down, because Simon is completely right. Taylor Hicks is a hack.

Lisa Tucker gets her turn. She’ll be singing “Why Do Fools Fall in Love” (1956). Such a bad choice for her. The girl can sing, but she constantly chooses ill-suited songs. In this case, she really needed to impress the judges (and America) with a strong ballad. Instead we get a peppy high school talent show performance. She smiles, she works the stage, and sounds completely ordinary. There’s just nothing there.  Girlfriend was in the bottom three last week. What is she thinking?!?

The Judges: Randy likes the song choice, but wasn’t keen on the performance. “It was just alright.” Paula likes “that [Lisa] got back to the youthfulness” and that she has a big career ahead of her. (Translation: You’re goin’ home.) Simon actually says he feels like he’s “trapped in a high school musical” and interestingly enough, there are only scattered boos from the audience.

Kevin Covais is next. He’ll sing “When I Fall in Love” (1956). In his TWB clip, Barry gets Kevin to connect with the song and play up the vulnerability in the lyrics. We exit the clip to find Kevin sitting on the edge of the stage, not ten feet from the judges. He’s wearing a blue polo shirt, and looks like he just came from homeroom. Adorable! His hair is swept back, which adds some maturity and removes a bit of the geek factor (but not too much). Kevin is in good voice (for him), and as the song progresses he walks sorrowfully around the stage, hand in pocket. He’s much more relaxed than in previous weeks, which helps, and the song is perfect for him, both vocally and character-wise. This is a total Anthony Federov moment, and will almost guarantee Kevin a hall pass through to next week.   

The Judges: Randy likes him. He sees himself in Kevin (and not in that oogie way that Seacrest saw himself in Will Makar). Paula says the kid has “moxie” and that people adore him. Very true, although he’ll never win. Simon says that Kevin knows who is audience is and that his audience will love the performance. Yep.

Elliott Yamine is up. Talking to Seacrest, he admits to not being fond of Barry Manilow’s work before meeting him. That takes balls to admit on this phony-baloney show. Elliott will be singing “Teach Me Tonight” (1955). This is the third song tonight that I’m unfamiliar with, and Elliott compounds things when he says he’ll be performing Al Jarreau’s version. All I know of Al Jarreau is that he sang the theme to Moonlighting, which is a fine show.  Anyway, there’s clearly a bit of distance between Barry and Elliott in the TWB clip, but everything is very respectful, which I liked. Elliott ends by saying that Barry is a genius. Which…yeah…respect. On stage, Elliott is wearing a pale dress shirt, with a loosely knotted tie, and jeans. He looks great. Very much at ease. His voice is like something from heaven, people…smooth and relaxing and jazzy, with great control. He doesn’t try hard because he doesn’t have to. He just gets out there and does his thing. Awesome!

The Judges: Randy was very impressed with the voice and “the modulations.” Paula got goosebumps, and he moved her. Simon says, regarding Elliott’s singing, “It was fantastic.” For serious, Cowell.

Kellie Pickler will sing “Walkin’ After Midnight” by Patsy Cline (1957). In the TWB clip, Barry says he didn’t know this particular Cline song, which I found surprising, because I know it. And I know it from a piano bar, of all places. Barry reminds her of what the song is about: a guy left a girl, so she goes out walkin’ after midnight. Hence, the title. And you’d think Kellie would understand, seeing as how Barry told her what the song was about. But for reasons unknown to me, she takes the stage wearing enough makeup to pass as an extra in Moulin Rouge. She seriously looks like she’s goin’ walkin’ after midnight on 42nd Street circa 1975. Kellie is singing this song about loss and loneliness, all tarted up, strutting and pointing at the camera. Vocally, she’s okay. A little shrill, but that’s typical Kellie. But Jesus, she’s performing the song like it was “Hit Me Baby, One More Time.” Terrible.

The Judges: Randy says it was a great song choice. “The country girl is back.” Paula brings up Simon’s “minx” comment from some weeks ago, and revamps things, calling Kellie a “tigress.” It’s madness, really, as Kellie is distracted by a sign in the audience and her mike is barely working. Simon thought the performance was just great. And here I thought we were in synch tonight. Ah, well…

Ace Young finishes up the night. Pretty, sexy, vapid Ace. Ace will sing “In the Still of the Night” (1956). Barry isn’t crazy about the jazzy arrangement Ace is planning, and in the TWB clip, we see the two of them working that out. Barry likes that Ace wants to make the song his own. Now, at last, Ace takes the stage, and a blander, more boring performance you couldn’t possibly hear. Ace’s voice isn’t sexy or smooth; powerful or strong. Ace’s voice is, in fact, neither here nor there. Quite frankly, he sounds like some dude, just singing in his living room or his shower. It’s nothing offensive, but nothing anyone would actually want to own. Except, of course, that Ace is on TV and he’s pretty. Therefore he has “talent” and will sell CDs. Much like Katharine, I don’t hate Ace—but she has a voice, and he, I’m sorry to say, does not.

The Judges: Randy loved it. Props to Aces. Paula thought it was the “sexiest sultriest performance” Ace has ever given. What a shock that Paula would say that. Simon, points out that wasn’t the best vocal tonight, and that he won’t find himself in the bottom three tomorrow, as he did last week.

And that’s our show for this Tuesday. Tomorrow, some poor soul gets the boot. My best guess for the bottom three: Lisa, Bucky and possibly Paris (because Mandisa will get her votes). And while I think Bucky will go home (despite my twenty- or thirty-something votes), I think it’s time Lisa moved on.  

Then, America, can we please do something about Taylor Hicks?