Licence to...eh...

Seeing as how licensed games are legally required to suck, imagine my surprise when Fantastic Four wasn't a complete waste of time. Luckily, Charlie & The Chocolate Factory restored my faith in lame-ass licensed videogames. Phew!

Charlie & The Chocolate Factory for the Xbox (and other platforms, per the rules requiring them to suck on every platform in existence) is an odd duck. See, it's based on the recent movie remake (that I couldn't bring myself because of Johnny Depp's creepy-ass performance and the fact that Tim Burton insisted they were going to stick close to the original book, yet added a fabricated backstory for Wonka), so the game is aimed towards the kids who saw the flick and enjoyed it. Yeah, I know — all three of them. Not a big market. But anyway, the graphics are all colorful and whimsical, and the voices manage to replicate Johnny Depp and others relatively well. But it's not just your average licensed platformer. Oh, no, that would be too easy. See, they go and add in some sim elements — because that's what all the kids love these days, right? You jump around and throw candy at enemies, but you also have to solve rudimentary puzzles at the same time, giving orders to the various Oompah Loompahs you find skulking around the level. At first, I thought this would be a fun new element, seeing as how I usually can't stand straightforward platformers. But unfortunately, it just makes it incredibly tedious, having to search out the little buggers and trying to get them to do your work. I found myself just wanting to do everything myself to speed things up. Sigh. What a headache. Every level has Wonka giving you orders, and you pawn things off onto the miniaturized help. I wouldn't want to run this chocolate factory if you paid me. Not even in candy.

On the other hand, Fantastic Four for the Xbox (and the requisite multiple platforms) knows what it is, and doesn't seem to care about being anything else. It's a standard beat-em-up with enough button mashing to give you blisters. Based (loosely) on the "blockbuster" motion picture adaptation, the game actually uses some additional elements from the Ultimate Fantastic Four comic book series to pad things out a bit. This is a good thing, because there's really only one costumed fight scene in the whole movie. It starts with the gang of four getting their powers like in the flick, and then it seems to take them a really long time to collect the cosmic energy to complete their experiment because various other comic book villains like The Puppetmaster and The Mole Man are causing trouble. Everybody's got their powers with upgrades available as you accumulate points working through the levels, and you can use the D-pad to switch between characters. Mostly, you're assigned a character, but some areas give you two to swap between, and boss battles have the whole gang attacking at once. Sometimes you have to use a particular character's powers for a reason, but mostly it's best to stick to either the Thing's brute strength or the Human Torch's distance fireball attacks. The graphics are good, except for the cinemas, where everybody looks like mongoloid versions of the actors. Sometimes they sound accurate, but other times it sounds like they're using the "additional voices" noted in the credits. It's not a great game, but like the movie, knows what it's supposed to be, and is perfectly adequate at it. Push the button, beat the enemies, move on, rinse and repeat. It's not brain surgery, but I found it enjoyable enough.