The potential Idols are lined up on stage, firing squad style. Lil’s face reveals nothing. The ABBA girl is in la-la land. Taylor whats-her-face is mentally rehearsing: “Do you want fries with that?” Alex the Wiseass Nerd is queasy. That blonde country girl totally thinks she’s making it. Blind Scott is like, “Oh, yeah, baby…” Gay Nate is about three seconds from projectile vomiting on the wee head of Mr. Seacrest. The others are like, whatever. Who is that girl there? Von Smith looks delicious. This is American Idol. Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce.
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.3: Results!
March 5, 2009 By
American Idol: Semi-Finals.3: The Agnetha and the Ecstasy
March 4, 2009 By
“They’ve said goodbye to their families” (except for the spouses, parents, and siblings in the audience), “they’ve put their jobs on hold” (the drive-thru at Burger King can suffer the loss), “and they’ve abandoned their everyday lives” (until they’re sent home in shame). This is American Idol. Night is young and the music’s high.
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.2: Results!
February 27, 2009 By
The second round of Semi-Finals struck last night like a bad case of the croup. We had a tone-deaf Never-Seen, a wannabe poseur-rocker, a dirty panhandler, and some sweaty old dude. And that just covers the judges. Tonight, another nine contestants go home. Three will stay. If I don’t already hate them, just give me a couple of weeks. Malice is best when left to simmer. This is American Idol. Nobody drink the beer! The beer has gone bad!
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.2: What is the Law?
February 26, 2009 By
“Where else can you find a welder, a bartender, a font designer, and a comedian?” Don’t miss Watchmen, in theaters March 6th! Seacrest is obviously talking about tonight’s batch of semi-finalists. Minus the obvious part. I mean, who the hell knows what these people do for a living? Most of them haven’t received more than five minutes of screen time since January. We barely know what they look like. This is American Idol. Reconstructing myself after the subtraction of my intrinsic field was the first trick I learned.
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.1: Results!
February 19, 2009 By
Last night was the first round of Semi-Finals. Twelve people sang. Based on America’s votes, only three will survive tonight’s Results Show. “Is your favorite through? Take nothing for granted,” says Seacrest. Except that as far back as three weeks ago, thanks to this show’s endless pimping and shady “support,” we could have easily picked at least two of tonight’s three winners. But what do I know? I’m just some fool on the internet. This is American Idol. We can’t send people to inoperative rescue stations!
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.1: The Fix is On
February 18, 2009 By
Are you excited, people? Are you just about ready to burst? Couldn’t you just die, writhing with anticipation as 12 of the Top 36 take the stage tonight to actually sing? To frickin’ compete? And does it really matter that we don’t know who half of them are? And do you really care that the judges want Danny Gokey to win, anyway? I mean, really, who’s kidding who? Or whom? Which is it? This is American Idol. I’ve always thought a good lashing with a buggy whip would benefit you immensely.
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