For another thankless year, Frank takes on the horror freak show that is American Idol. [Continue Reading…]
American Idol Results: And The Winner Be…
May 21, 2009 By
After 19 week, 40 episodes, and more hours than I can recall without weeping uncontrollably, we are about to reach maximum safe distance from this show. At long last, Finale Night is upon us. Who will win? Will it be the glamorous lady with the shrieky voice, or will it be the kid who wandered on stage looking for a place to spend his Old Navy gift card? Hot or cold? Salt or pepper? Adam or Kris? Everybody has an opinion–including the very valid “I don’t care.” But if that were the case, you wouldn’t be reading this. Would you? This is American Idol. The Visitors are not our friends. They’ve come to rape our planet and kill us. They are not who they appear to be!
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Semi-Finals.2: What is the Law?
February 26, 2009 By
“Where else can you find a welder, a bartender, a font designer, and a comedian?” Don’t miss Watchmen, in theaters March 6th! Seacrest is obviously talking about tonight’s batch of semi-finalists. Minus the obvious part. I mean, who the hell knows what these people do for a living? Most of them haven’t received more than five minutes of screen time since January. We barely know what they look like. This is American Idol. Reconstructing myself after the subtraction of my intrinsic field was the first trick I learned.
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Kentucky: That’s MY Cup!
January 24, 2009 By
Tonight’s show takes place at Churchill Downs, in Louisville, Kentucky, where short men—men shorter than Ryan, if you can believe such creatures exist—race horses around a track by striking them repeatedly with bendy sticks. Somehow that’s okay. But try punching a horse in the eye, especially when it’s drunk and saying mean things about your grandmother, and the next thing you know, PETA is all up in your grill. Our society is one complicated bitch. This is American Idol. The safe word is “hippopotamus.”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol season 8 recap guide
January 16, 2009 By
We are grateful to Frank. He watches Idol so we don’t have to. [Continue Reading…]
Your #1 source for vomiting robot dinosaurs. Since 2005.
