Last night was the first round of Semi-Finals. Twelve people sang. Based on America’s votes, only three will survive tonight’s Results Show. “Is your favorite through? Take nothing for granted,” says Seacrest. Except that as far back as three weeks ago, thanks to this show’s endless pimping and shady “support,” we could have easily picked at least two of tonight’s three winners. But what do I know? I’m just some fool on the internet. This is American Idol. We can’t send people to inoperative rescue stations!
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.1: Results!
February 19, 2009 By
American Idol: Semi-Finals.1: The Fix is On
February 18, 2009 By
Are you excited, people? Are you just about ready to burst? Couldn’t you just die, writhing with anticipation as 12 of the Top 36 take the stage tonight to actually sing? To frickin’ compete? And does it really matter that we don’t know who half of them are? And do you really care that the judges want Danny Gokey to win, anyway? I mean, really, who’s kidding who? Or whom? Which is it? This is American Idol. I’ve always thought a good lashing with a buggy whip would benefit you immensely.
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American Idol: Throne Under the Bus
February 12, 2009 By
After many weeks of singing in a desperate struggle for success and acceptance, it all comes down to this: the chance to sing in a desperate struggle for success and acceptance for many weeks. I thought it was just goldfish that did the same thing over and over because of their short memories and low intelligence. This, however, is American Idol. And knowing is half the battle.
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American Idol Hollywood: A Room with a Poo
February 11, 2009 By
Hollywood Round continues, and as Semi-Finals approach we’re down to 72 lukewarm bodies. Some people, an actual few, are finally starting to become recognizable. That’s a good start. But I still think they should wear the same clothes every episode, like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, just to make the experience easier for me. Tonight, the survivors sing yet again, with backup vocalists and, if they chose, performing their own musical instruments. Then the judges will then make their final cut. Until tomorrow, when they make their final final cut. This is American Idol. Zoinks!
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American Idol Hollywood: A Freak By Any Other Name…
February 8, 2009 By
It’s the second night of the Hollywood Round — specifically, the always-engrossing Group Night. Seacrest promises us tears, triumphs, and tragedies. I’d also like him to promise us Jason Voorhees chasing these idiots with a machete, but alas, Ryan likes to keep the viewers wanting more. Judging from teaser, however, there will be these things: Big gay hissyfits, backstabbings, f-bombs, and at least one skank. This is American Idol. Camp Crystal Lake is jinxed!
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American Idol Hollywood: Eye of the Liger
February 5, 2009 By
Like a plague of locusts, the Golden Ticket-holders descend upon Hollywood, California. Their goal: to suck our souls dry with their singing and their boringness and their yuck. What a non-starter crowd we have this year. A whole lot of nothing that adds up to zero. Sure, the freaks are gone — mostly — but they’ve been replaced by human static. White noise made flesh. I almost long for the days of Sanjaya Malakar and Matt Rogers. This is American Idol. It wants no straps.
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American Idol NY & PR: You Wanna Go? Go Cool!
February 2, 2009 By
To make my life a misery, they’ve added a “bonus” audition episode to the weekly rotation. Thanks, Fox! This one contains footage from two cities: New York and Puerto Rico. Ryan, who as we all know, loves his Broadway, gets all giddy talking about West Side Story, a play (then a movie), which ironically features two things: New York and Puerto Ricans. But don’t try singing a show tune during your audition, because Simon will put you out on your ass. This is American Idol. How many bullets are left, Chino?
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American Idol Utah: Yo! Flip-Flops are Cheap!
January 30, 2009 By
Tonight’s show takes place in Salt Lake City, Utah, home of David Archuleta, who failed to win last season’s competition, shaming himself and his father forever. Seacrest wonders if the people of Salt Lake will be as clean cut and kind as Little David. Sure, and they’ll also sing in a breathy voice and lick their lips a lot while wearing ugly print shirts from the KMart collection. Homogenization, thy name is American Idol. Hulk smash!
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American Idol Florida: Randy Jackson is a Douchebag
January 28, 2009 By
We open this episode with Ryan and Simon sitting cozily in the back seat of a car (probably not for the first time). They’re driving through Florida, looking for Swamp Thing or whatever, and Simon gives Ryan crap for talking funny. I don’t know what he’s on about. I think Simon just said it to start a fight so they can have makeup sex before the show. They bicker adorably, but before any lip-lockage happens, we go to credits. Sometimes TV is about what you don’t see, get it? This is American Idol. Buckle up, it’s the law.
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American Idol Kentucky: That’s MY Cup!
January 24, 2009 By
Tonight’s show takes place at Churchill Downs, in Louisville, Kentucky, where short men—men shorter than Ryan, if you can believe such creatures exist—race horses around a track by striking them repeatedly with bendy sticks. Somehow that’s okay. But try punching a horse in the eye, especially when it’s drunk and saying mean things about your grandmother, and the next thing you know, PETA is all up in your grill. Our society is one complicated bitch. This is American Idol. The safe word is “hippopotamus.”
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