“What happens when you mix the most talked about singers in the nation with some of the most influential songs in the world?” You get the Pussycat Dolls. Am I right? Tonight, the Top 10 take on the music of Motown, which is a funny word if you stare at it long enough. Leave me alone, people. It’s late. This is American Idol. I play my bongos, listen to Odetta, and then I iron my hair, dig?
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Top 10: Mo is Less
March 26, 2009 By
American Idol Results: 11 Become 10
March 19, 2009 By
Last night was Country Night, and unless the show decides that opera, polka, or Muzak are suitable themes, we’ve managed to survive the worst genre night of the season. Well, we’ve mostly survived. Because one of these assholes is going home. The remaining 10 get to go on tour this summer. You decide which is the worse fate. This is American Idol. Dust? Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust? Anybody? No?
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Top 11: Burn After Singing
March 18, 2009 By
Welcome to the shortest recap ever. The reason: It’s Country Night. The mentor: Randy Travis. The boredom: Excessive. This is American Idol. Nobody calls me ‘Mad Dog.’ Especially not some duded-up, egg-suckin’ gutter trash.
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Results: 13 Become 11
March 12, 2009 By
“The next hour will change the lives of these 13 people.” Not counting the 11 of them who aren’t going home. “Which two people got the lowest number of votes?” I don’t know, but Danny Gokey has nothing to worry about. “And what is this new rule all about?” It’s about putting more of a fix on this game, that’s what. This is American Idol. Give me librium or give me meth.
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Top 13: They’re Bad, You Know It
March 11, 2009 By
Tonight, the competition phase of the show begins, as contestants perform, viewers vote, and the unpopular people go home. This is not to be confused with the earlier competition phase in which the exact same thing happened. Because this is totally different. That part had, like, 36 contestants. This part has 13. See? I told you it was different! This is American Idol. I don’t wanna be a donkey! Let me outta here!
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Wild Card Round: Stacked Deck
March 7, 2009 By
The eight Wild Card singers stand on stage, all eager and full of hope. As if the judges haven’t already decided which of them will move forward to the Top 12. As if anything they do tonight will make a hoot of difference. Ricky Braddy can pull a leprechaun out of his ass and sing “Ebony and Ivory” while balancing Ryan Seacrest on the tip of his nose. It won’t matter. The case is closed. But let’s indulge everyone, shall we? This is American Idol. You got to know when to hold ’em. Know when to fold ’em.
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Semi-Finals.3: Results!
March 5, 2009 By
The potential Idols are lined up on stage, firing squad style. Lil’s face reveals nothing. The ABBA girl is in la-la land. Taylor whats-her-face is mentally rehearsing: “Do you want fries with that?” Alex the Wiseass Nerd is queasy. That blonde country girl totally thinks she’s making it. Blind Scott is like, “Oh, yeah, baby…” Gay Nate is about three seconds from projectile vomiting on the wee head of Mr. Seacrest. The others are like, whatever. Who is that girl there? Von Smith looks delicious. This is American Idol. Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce.
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Semi-Finals.3: The Agnetha and the Ecstasy
March 4, 2009 By
“They’ve said goodbye to their families” (except for the spouses, parents, and siblings in the audience), “they’ve put their jobs on hold” (the drive-thru at Burger King can suffer the loss), “and they’ve abandoned their everyday lives” (until they’re sent home in shame). This is American Idol. Night is young and the music’s high.
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Semi-Finals.2: Results!
February 27, 2009 By
The second round of Semi-Finals struck last night like a bad case of the croup. We had a tone-deaf Never-Seen, a wannabe poseur-rocker, a dirty panhandler, and some sweaty old dude. And that just covers the judges. Tonight, another nine contestants go home. Three will stay. If I don’t already hate them, just give me a couple of weeks. Malice is best when left to simmer. This is American Idol. Nobody drink the beer! The beer has gone bad!
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Semi-Finals.2: What is the Law?
February 26, 2009 By
“Where else can you find a welder, a bartender, a font designer, and a comedian?” Don’t miss Watchmen, in theaters March 6th! Seacrest is obviously talking about tonight’s batch of semi-finalists. Minus the obvious part. I mean, who the hell knows what these people do for a living? Most of them haven’t received more than five minutes of screen time since January. We barely know what they look like. This is American Idol. Reconstructing myself after the subtraction of my intrinsic field was the first trick I learned.
[Continue Reading…]
Your #1 source for vomiting robot dinosaurs. Since 2005.
