I’m back! Did you miss me? Did you miss Our Dear Show?! If you only answered ‘yes’ to one of those questions, it better have been the first one, or I will come to your house and pinch your left tit — hard. Are we clear? So where have I been and what have I been up to? And what’s been happening on this damn stupid program? And why does it suck so much now? And how, exactly did Glee help ruin it? These answers and more after the jump. Because this, like it or not, is still American Idol.
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American Idol Top 12: Everybody Must Get Stoned
March 16, 2010 By
American Idol Hollywood: Oh, Mary!
February 12, 2010 By
Last night, the juicy (well…the somewhat damp) Hollywood Round got underway. Dozens of faces paraded across the stage, some of which we’d seen before (and had probably forgotten), but many of which were new (and were mostly forgettable). We were pleasantly surprised by people who brought their own guitars, Ellen wasn’t annoying, and new contestant Tim Urban gained himself a stalker. I’m not saying it’s me!! Tonight, it’s Group Night. Will there will be drama? Of course. Will there be suckage? Of course. This is American Idol. “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.”
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American Idol Hollywood: Acoustick It Up Your Arse
February 10, 2010 By
We’ve waited breathlessly for this moment. Well, maybe we weren’t breathless. And maybe we weren’t really waiting, so much as dreading. But Hollywood Week is upon us, along with a new permanent fourth judge to replace the dearly, departed, deranged, and daffy Miss Paula Abdul. Don’t know who the newbie is? Read a magazine, for crying out loud! I have a friend who doesn’t know who Lady Gaga is. There is no excuse for pop culture illiteracy. I don’t mind if you can’t read, but if you’ve never heard (or heard of) “Poker Face,” we’re gonna have a problem. This is American Idol. “Me fail English? That’s unpossible.”
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American Idol Audition Finale: Pest in Show
February 4, 2010 By
At long last, we’ve reached the end of Season 9’s audition cycle. And what have we learned? That tragedy is more important than talent. That having a bad day at some point in your life is just as good as a tragedy. That Ryan Seacrest looks best when dressed as a lesbian. That if you get lippy, the judges will call security on your ass. That it doesn’t pay to be a redneck. And that the Top 12 might very well end up the dullest in this show’s history. Unless they’re cast from people we’ve never seen, which is quite likely. This is American Idol. “Please do not offer my god a peanut.”
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American Idol Denver: Children of the Damned
February 3, 2010 By
Tonight’s audition episode takes place in Denver, best known to Idol viewers as The Place That Gave Us Daughtry. Personally, I pay no attention to where these people come from (or where they go, as long as they go quickly), but the show seems to put stock in such things. Barbarella Hufflepuff auditioned in Alaska. Lysterine O’Reilly auditioned in Hawaii. Isn’t that special?!? This is American Idol. “I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.”
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American Idol Dallas: Ducks and Covers
January 28, 2010 By
We’re at the point in the season where the auditions should be over, but they are sadly not. With this year’s parade of mediocrity, listening to the good singers is a chore and the misanthropes are surprisingly unsurprising. The judges comments merely echo the sound bites found on the video game version of the competition, with the guest judges being little more than props or eye candy, depending upon which side your bread is buttered. To paraphrase the Joker, this show needs an enema. But this is still American Idol. “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.”
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American Idol L.A.: Rollin’ With The Holies
January 27, 2010 By
Did you know that Little Ryan has a big boy job doing a radio program? Well, the show needs to prove it, so we open on Seacrest in a studio, “broadcasting” into a mic. But the whole thing seems a tad bullshitty. The equipment looks all wrong. Ryan appears to be listening to an iPod. Also, he’s wearing a crisp white shirt and tie, and everybody knows that radio people work naked. This is American Idol. “Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”
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American Idol Florida: Be Scurred…Be Very Scurred
January 21, 2010 By
Has this season started yet? Honestly. Everything we’ve seen so far feels like a poorly packaged clip reel, designed to generate interest in the show, but created by people who aren’t interested in the show. Everybody is going through the motions. Snarky judges. Lousy contestants. Good(ish) contestants. Ryan being short and adorable and useless and annoying, all at once. But it’s all lacking spirit. It’s as if Paula, along with her uppers, downers, body glitter, and Big Bag O’Crazy, took the show’s spark with her when she left for Whoville. Let’s hope it gets better at Hollywood, because another thirty-six episodes of this? Not at all sexy. This is American Idol. “Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!”
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American Idol: Chicago Hopeless
January 20, 2010 By
Tonight’s auditions take place in Chicago, home of such things as the entire series of ER and that musical where Renée Zellweger looked fat and pasty. Apparently, it’s also the home of where people cuss like sailors and flip the finger to the camera. This is American Idol. “Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!”
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American Idol season 9 recap guide
January 14, 2010 By
For another thankless year, Frank takes on the horror freak show that is American Idol. [Continue Reading…]
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