With “Idol Gives Back” looming over us like a starving, malaria-ridden guillotine, tonight’s musical theme is “inspirational songs,” which for the contestants, roughly translates as “something I heard on the radio at some point.” But there are only seven of them now, so the experience is…ah, who am I kidding? It’s agony. This is American Idol. “Vampirism is not a disease, Julia. Vampires are the living dead.”
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On Tuesday, the contestants performed songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. Yoko may have broken up the Beatles, but it took this show to destroy them. And in the end, the love you take…is equal to the number of white Hanes t-shirts in Simon’s closet. In a mere fifty-nine wasted minutes, one of these suckers is going home. Or are they…? This is American Idol. “He’s very fussy about his drums, you know. They loom large in his legend.”
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This just in! Before the show, the Idol judges shockingly (!) stand around talking (!!), and Ryan is allowed into the control room to look at the monitors — but not to touch anything (it’s like Bring Your Child to Work Day, but with a much shorter child). Meanwhile, the contestants mill about on stage like half-wits, which is giving them 50% more brain-credit than they deserve. This is American Idol. “Pepperland is a tickle of joy on the belly of the universe. It must be scratched!”
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Earthquake. The Towering Inferno. The Poseidon Adventure. 2012. Showgirls. Tonight disaster takes a new form, as Our Dear Show hits rock bottom (again). If you thought things couldn’t get any worse, you were wrong. Taylor Hicks? He was a blessing. Chris Sligh? A superstar. Comparatively, I mean. I haven’t lost my mind. This is American Idol. “Someone get me a fucking wiener before I die.”
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