G.I. Joe
A real American hero
by Dave McAwesomeI knew I was a strange child when I first saw the "G.I. Joe: A real American hero" tagline and thought, "hey, that should read 'G.I. Joe: Real American heroes' to reflect the wide range of team members. Besides, there's no single guy named G.I. Joe. That's messed up." That's the kind of kid I was. The world always rubbed me the wrong way, even in regards to things I loved.
Let me take a brief nerd interlude to shut up the G.I. Geeks who read the previous paragraph and said, "snk, there IS a guy named G.I. Joe. LOL!" Shut up, dork. I know there's a G.I. Joe Colton, the 'original Joe,' in the comics, but that was such a ridiculous retcon attempt to tie-in the old Joe line of toys with the 80s 3 3/4 inch figures. (Well, more ridiculous than usual, at any rate.) He even had a beard, like the ugly 70s Joe. When I talk about G.I. Joe on this site, I am referring to the G.I. Joe team. As such, the "A real American hero" tagline is wrong. There is no one Joe (singular). They are a team (plural).
G.I. Joe was formed to be a secretive, elite unit to thwart various worldwide threats to democracy. The chief threat was Cobra, a global terrorist organization. They had very poor aim, however, so it was easy for G.I. Joe to thwart them. The Joes were good at thwarting. Quite the thwarters they were.
The location for the Joes' secret, hidden base was Staten Island. Makes sense right? Put a highly classified fortress in one of the most densely populated cities in North America. New York's never been a terrorist target, so I'm sure it'll alllllll work out, right? The proximity to Manhattan is laughable. Can you imagine these elite special forces-type guys who've got code names and operate top-secret military equipment hanging out in the city with some of the best nightlife in the world? Nine beers and three tequila shots later: "Sure, baby *hic* let me take you for a ride on the RAM rapid fire motorcycle. You bet it's a prototype, but the boys in the motorpool won't mind. Hell, they're already passed out under the bar anyway. *hic* Let's take a cab back to the base. You can rub my crotch along the way."
Yeah, that's not gonna work out. Cobra would have agents posing as bar sluts all over the city. In truth, the base was likely in Delaware in plain sight. No one's gonna look in Delaware.
