Wish you were here

Dear America,
Hey! Osama here. What's up, dorks? I'm just hanging out here in a cave on Cobra Island, chillin' with all my babes. Yeah, I've got soooo many babes. You would have seen them in my latest video but... umm... they were out grocery shopping because we... we... we ran out of condoms! Yeah, that's right, we go through rubbers like wildfire, because I am pretty much banging hot babes left and right here. Yeah, you all wish you were me, living out here in my sweetass cave with all my babes and... uhh... gold. Yeah I've got loads of gold, too. Pretty much all over the place.

So anyway, I know I said we were planning an attack, and I know it's been more than a year and we still haven't delivered. Well it's coming, okay, and it's gonna be big! It's gonna be so big you will all crap your pants. Right now you are all "Look at me, I'm Mr. America, I'm so big and cool," but after my next attack you will be like "Oh crap I am so pwned!" You better watch out, 'cause it's coming.

Once we choose a city, we will be ready to launch our attack. It's pretty much a wrap. We don't really know exactly what we are going to do yet, but we've got like a million good ideas just floating around. You thought our last attack was bad? Well you ain't seen nothing yet, Mr. Jerk. Some of the ideas we're playing with right now are at least a bazillion times crazier than our last attack. Like, we have this one idea where we drop a bomb that destroys all your clothing so everybody is naked. Yep, I said it. We're mackin' the nude bomb! That Get Smart movie was waaaaay ahead of its time. My deputy, al-Zawahri, tells me it would never work, but I know with just a little more time I could perfect my design, and then you would be in trouble! I bet you're scared now, Mr. America! I bet you are calling for your mommy!

Almost ready, bitches. (Illustration by Zach Whelan)

Haha! Well if you are so scared America, then perhaps you would consider a truce? What's that? No, I'm not bluffing! I only offer a truce because you are so weak, and destroying you would not even be worth the effort. It would be like crushing an ant or maybe a really small mouse. Like, I could do it, but I'm way too busy getting laid all the time by millions of hot babes. So why don't you stop bombing me and stuff, maybe send me some Archie comics, and we'll call the whole thing off. What? No! I'm not scared of your bombs! I just want you to stop 'cause when I get Cobra Commander over for poker night, the table gets all shaken up from the bombing and our beer spills all over the place. It's really annoying, that's all.

So my offer still stands. You lay off the bombing and send a couple Archies my way and we'll be cool, ok? I await your response.

Later biatch,
Osama