Star Destroyer crewman

Anchors aweigh!

by Dave McAwesome

A lot of these guys dreamed of exotic adventures across the galaxy: exciting new cultures, bizarre customs, blockade running pirate ships! Ah, to live a life at sea! I mean space. Surely they anticipated a little sightseeing on the forest moon of Endor, or R&R at the beach planet of Jamaica-dor, or secret pleasures on the curvaceous surface of Pornstar. What they got instead was a humorless lump of scar tissue in a black suit.

The single worst crew position was on the sublevel on the Super Star Destroyer bridge. A couple of these lucky peons were on duty just below the bounty hunters in Empire Strikes Back. Check it out. You'll see them. How'd you like to work underneath Bossk's toe jam? He drools, too, by the way.

Deckhand: Eh, commander, a word please?
Imperial Commander: Aye, me bucko.
Deckhand: Sir, I seem to have contracted pink eye from one of the bounty hunters.
Imperial Commander: Ye don't say, do ye?
Deckhand: He was dripping something onto my head. You see, my cubicle...
Imperial Commander: Cubicle? What be a cubicle?
Deckhand: Sorry, sir, I mean my space cubicle--
Imperial Commander: Aye!
Deckhand: --it was right underneath the lizard one, and he was dripping on me. I'd have moved, but the Sauron over there in the black suit was only a few feet away. What with the Christmas bonuses coming up, I didn't want him to see me away from my post. Anyway, the goop started to run down into my eyes.
Imperial Commander: Arr.
Deckhand: Uh, commander, why are you talking like a pirate?
Imperial Commander: Space Pirate, me swab! Arr, grab ye a lemon to fight ye space scurvy.
Deckhand: Screw this. I'm joining the coast guard.