The New Seven Wonders of the World

So long, Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

by Adam Brown

As some of you may know, there is currently a competition taking place to name the new seven wonders of the world. Of all of the previous seven wonders, only the Pyramids of Egypt will remain on the list. To decide the other six, the general public can pick their favorites from a predetermined list and call an 800 number with their votes. American Idol style, baby! Unfortunately, after perusing the list for some time, I noticed that none of my suggestions is even in the running. So in lieu of a democratic voting system, I've decided to dogmatically name my own. I present to you, the new seven wonders of the world.

1. Canada - For hundreds of years, Canada has sat perched atop the country with the mightiest military in the world. You would think a position this precarious would compel them to exercise a scant amount of caution when deciding what they allow to escape their icy borders. Instead, they reward the world's continued patience with a barrage of embarrassingly stupid exports. Among the atrocities attributed to Canada are Nickelback, ice hockey, Bryan Adams and BOTH winners of the CBS reality series "Rockstar." How the United States has resisted the temptation to somehow detach Canada from the rest of North America and let them float off to the North Pole continues to puzzle even the most brilliant scientific minds. Hanging Gardens out, moose head decor in.

2. Wilmer Valderrama - Acting credits: The mush mouthed foreign exchange student on "That 70's Show". Actress credits: Lindsay Lohan, Mandy Moore, Jennifer Love Hewitt. You try explaining it. Statue of Zeus at Olympia out, no-talent man-whore in.

3. Non-wealthy Republicans - If you don't have a substantial fortune to protect, there really is no reason to be a Republican. These people never cease to amaze me. (See also: Gay Republicans, Black Republicans, etc.) Temple of Artemis out, Docksider-wearing goobers in.

4. Alcohol - A wise man once said that alcohol is "the cause of and solution to all of life's problems." Great Pyramid of Giza out, this Bud's for you.

5. The Rolling Stones - The last time The Rolling Stones made an album worth hearing, we still lived in a world without the interweb, Chicken McNuggets and crack cocaine. Any shred of credibility still coursing through their rickety veins went out the window with their decision to let The Neptunes remix "Sympathy For The Devil." Not to mention only one original member has had the common courtesy to die. Why do people still shell out hundreds of dollars to see them in concert? Mausoleum at Halicarnassus out, Keith Richards' embalmed liver in.

6. NASCAR - How do you entertain throngs of rednecks by sitting in a car and turning left for three hours? Only the masterminds behind NASCAR know. Lighthouse of Alexandria out, Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s Jeff-Gordon-hating fanbase in.

7. The IT guy at my job – There are a lot of jerks in this world, but none compare to you, Mr. IT Guy At My Job. Regardless of the severity of the computer problem someone calls you about, you treat them with the same high falutin assholishness typically seen only in politicians, landlords and show dogs. I could call and tell you that my computer had sprouted arms, a fire-breathing head and is now swinging a rusty battle axe in my direction and you would still act as if I was asking why my Shitzu screen saver only comes up when I'm away from my desk. How you manage to leave work every night without a black eye, broken fingers or a keyboard shoved up your colon by us lowly non-IT types is a total mystery. Colossus of Rhodes out, guy who dresses up as Boba Fett for Halloween in.