Star Name Certificate

StarNamer.org

by Adam Brown

The last minute $20 gift. It should be the easiest to pull off, but it's not. Do you head to Walgreens (you know they're open) and find something that gives at least some impression that you put some thought into the gift? Like what, a spindle of blank DVDs? You could always get a gift card. But then, everyone knows you're a lazy gift buyer that doesn't give two shits about spreading holiday cheer. So cold and impersonal.

By the time the week before Christmas rolls around, just leaving the house can be a life endangering venture. The last thing you want to do is set foot in a mall or department store filled with frothing at the mouth parents hellbent on finding that last Touch Me In My Special Place Elmo in an effort to buy their kid's affection for one more year. Don't do it. Shopping is what the internets is for. do all of your last minute gift buying from the comfort of your favorite gaming chair. And the best part of all of these gifts...there is no waiting involved! As soon as you click the "buy" button, some lucky person will get an email detailing the special holiday gift that you have bestowed upon them. All you need is a credit card and a willingness to be hated by whoever you buy this bullshit for.

Speaking of crap, why not get creative with the Starnamer.org Star Name Certificate?

Imagine their delight as they open their inbox, open the email (assuming it didn't get stuck in the spam filter), suspiciously open the attachment, spend 20 minutes downloading the latest version of Adobe Acrobat Reader and find that you got them a fucking .pdf file for Christmas. Joy to the world! The lucky recipient will revel in heading to their local observatory, punching in the fucking coordinates or whatever the hell and looking at the big ball of glowing gas you "bought" them. That, or they'll delete the email and tell your relatives how much of a tool you are. A $19.95 tool.

Take your protein pills, Major Tom.