Four Easy Steps To Rock and Roll Greatness

We're all born with a voice. Use yours to rock.

by Adam Brown

The dream to become a rock star is one that millions of people aimlessly follow year after year. Have you ever wondered why so many people fail to reach the pinnacle of rock greatness? The answer is simple: They don't have a plan. In keeping with Maximum Awesome's long standing tradition of helping ordinary people do extraordinary things, today we present our four step plan to achieving rock star greatness. Follow this program and we guarantee* you will be rocking the masses like the proverbial hurricane in no time flat. *Results not guaranteed

Start A Band. I know, this one seems pretty obvious, but it's the obvious that we're most likely to overlook in situations like this. For example, I have long dreamed of living out my pre-shotgun Kurt Cobain rock star fantasies in front of tens of thousands of screaming fans. Unfortunately, I'm chronically lazy and all of those guitars I bought just aren't going to play themselves. So here I am, volunteering my writing services in an effort to help you make something out of your otherwise useless life when I should be out tripping the life rocktastic. So yeah, go start a band and then proceed to step two.

Move To England. Ask yourself one question…are you ready to rock?!?! If you answered "yes" then prepare to kiss your friends and relatives goodbye. You're moving to England! Why England you ask? Because Brits will listen to anything. We're talking about a country that had a cell phone ring tone (that Crazy Frog crap) as the number one song on it's charts for weeks. A ring tone! Read this slowly…the sound a phone makes when it rings was the number one song in the country. Clearly, being a musician in England allows you a bit of "artistic" leeway not available here in the states. Plus, not having to worry about brushing your teeth will free up more time to write some kick ass songs!

Drum Up Some Publicity. When Dead, the appropriately named lead singer of Norwegian rock band "Mayhem," committed suicide his body was discovered by his fellow band mate Euronymous. Upon finding the body Euronymous did what any level headed Norwegian would do. He snapped a few pictures, ate a bit of his fallen band mate's brain and made a necklace out of some of his skull fragments. Do you know what that is? If you said "absolutely friggin' terrifying" you're correct. But if you said "a world class publicity stunt" you're more correct. Publicity sells records. While I certainly wouldn't recommend eating brains (I'm a vegetarian), it's never a bad idea to draw some attention to yourself. God knows your sappy ass acoustic-based-sensitive-guy-warbling isn't going to get you noticed anytime soon.

Buy a Bible.

No, I'm not talking about a holy bible, leave that for the rappers and R&B singers. You're here to rock! What you need is a music business bible. Even after completing steps 1 to 3 there will still be some minor details to tend to before you can retire to a life of groupies and heroin. For example, you may need to write some songs, have some talent or land a record deal. That's where the professionals come in. Countless record company hacks have written "authoritative" books about how to make it big in the music business, but for me, there is only one that is of any real merit. Of course, I'm referring to "What's Up Dawg: How To Become A Superstar In The Music Business" by American Idol judge Randy Jackson. If anyone knows anything about making it big, it's the guy who played bass for Journey for one year. His book covers everything else you need to know including "Do You Have It?" (by "it" he means this list, and you do have it, you're reading it now), "Being Dawgmatic About Getting Your Skills Together" and "Yo Dawg: You Just Got Thrown A Bone." Vital information for sure, Clapton didn't get nicknamed "God" for being undawgmatic you know.

Hey, why are you still reading this? Somewhere right now an adoring audience awaits your rock. Go give it to 'em! And when you get there, tell them Maximum Awesome sent you. Unless you suck, of course. In that case, we never knew you dawg.