Prelude to the Road Ridiculous

by Cris

I've never driven to Florida. About the farthest I've ever gone in a car is from New York to West Virginia. But sometimes a man will do things that are just inexplicably stupid. What's the big deal? Eighteen hours to Florida from New York? No problem, right? Well that's just the kind of stupid mentality I'm talking about.

My trip starts at Sears Auto Center to make sure my car is up to snuff. As I'm waiting for my wheel alignment I'm reminded why there is no place like New York. If I ever think of leaving this great city, kick me in the shins. Hard.

Waiting on line to pay my bill, two customers in front of me get into it. One tooth-pick looking woman felt the other's breath on her neck from standing so close, and so the two start yelling at each other. They both make several references about facing off outside, which I figure will be nice to see while waiting.

The older looking woman who breathed down the neck of Toothpick has a daughter standing nearby. While they are discussing their differences, the daughter prepares for battle, putting her hair in a bun and taking off her earrings. Now it's getting exciting.

I'd say the daughter and mom weighed about a deuce...deuce and a half each; so maybe there's a slight disadvantage. Just as Toothpick gets ready to strike, Sears security breaks it up. I am disappointed.

But now the daughter begins to make her presence felt, yelling, "Yo, that's my f***ing mother, bitch." Indeed. As time went on I have to say my admiration for Toothpick grew. Here was a woman obviously out-matched by the mother, but now faced with the task of taking on two obese women. Clearly, she was the underdog.

After security breaks it up, the two women begin screaming at each other in Spanish, telling one another that this will, in fact, continue outside. I think Toothpick knew that if she was going to have any advantage it would be to strike first. I mean, that's what I'd do, but then again I don't think I'd be stupid enough to take on two people who, combined, weighed five, six more times than I did.

Toothpick is outside now and tucks herself in a corner so that she will not be spotted. Fats and Fatso walk out of Sears, and Toothpick attacks. A little too prematurely, I thought at the time. See, she jumped on the back of the mother, grappled her head and tried to bring her down. Maybe she should have waited until both were within full view.

Toothpick scratches and claws away, but daughter grabs her, flings her to the ground and proceeds to pummel her. It was a gallant effort by Toothpick. She got her shots in, but she could not shield herself from the onslaught she received while on the ground. Both mom and daughter teamed up and beat her unmercifully, until the melee was finally broken up by Sears security.

I've been asked since, "If you saw this happening why wouldn't you break it up?" My answer is simple. I am a man and chicks fighting is pretty freakin' sweet. I feel very strongly about that.

Now I should have taken this as a sign of how this trip was going to go. But of course I am man and I avoid any such signs.

UPDATE: The full Road Ridiculous story was never written. What a tease, eh?