Presidential Debates: the new reality series

Starring Barack Obama, John McCain and some others you will never ever see.

by Dave McAwesome

Immediately, the 2008 Presidential Debates Reality TV Mini-series promises to be at least as exciting as Flavor of Love 2 (if not *quite* up to snuff with Hell's Kitchen). I guess South Beach was all booked up, because they're holding this at the University of Mississippi. Jim Lehrer of PBS' NewsHour will host the first episode. Remember PBS? That's the public television station owned by the public, i.e. us via our government, that now runs commercials and puff pieces because some daft congresspeople think a public service means 'least offensive lowest common denominator material' instead of education. I look forward to next season's newest offering: "Charlie Rose Presents: America's Least Controversial Memorials...the Washington Monument and Hank's Famous Hot Dog Stand in Buffalo, NY. Sponsored by Exxon."

The contestants are Senator John McCain and Senator Barack Obama. There are other contestants, but the show's producers don't give them any air time. Viewers won't identify with them as much, you see. So we got McCain and Obama. McCain is from Arizona, fought in an unpopular police action in Vietnam, lived in an even less popular POW camp for several years longer than Rambo, and is 187 years old. This age thing could hurt him in the youth demographic. Obama hails from Illinois and, at 40-something, is young enough to have appreciated Public Enemy, but probably doesn't "get" Kanye West.

Lehrer breaks down the debate format and demonstrates that he's not as engaging a reality TV host as the dynamic and effervescent Ryan Seacrest. Or even Brian Dunkleman. He also curses less than Ultimate Fighter's Dana White. The questions, he says, were created by himself and were not shared with or cleared by anyone. Not even Jim Lehrer's gum masseuse. Prior to telecast, Lehrer beat the audience into quiet submission: "No cheers, no applause, no noise of any kind." I take back everything I said about PBS. Total, zero-vacuum silence? That's some fucking clout.

The first question takes a quote from former general and President Eisenhower. Hey, Lehrer, I thought you said these questions were created solely by your magnificence? The question/quote is about how economic strength is just as important as military strength. Unless you have the Death Star. Planet annihilating strength trumps economic and military strength.

Obama begins by thanking people and then turns eerily to the camera. He's hypnotizing me, I think, reaching for my anti-hypnotizing sunglasses. "Foiled again, Obama!" I shout. Heedless, he continues his slick eye-contact magic. We're suffering the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, he says, and while Wall Street is suffering, Main Street is suffering too. I've watched this trick on reality shows before. He's trying to 'identify' with the viewer. Usually, there's a slutty, uneducated loudmouthed girl to shout back, "You don't know me! Don't talk to me like you know me!" Damn it, where IS that girl? She should be popping up just now while Obama is telling us Main Streeters that we're wondering how Great Depression: The Sequel will affect our jobs, our retirement savings, and our ability to buy the new season of South Park on DVD. "We have to move swiftly and we have to move wisely." Swisely, it's called. When he talks about the need for oversight on the proposed $700 billion rescue plan for incompetent Wall Street firms...I swear to jeebus, he gives this look like, "because, shit, that's a lot of money and I can see myself blowing it on Cheetos. Think of it. $700 billion on Cheetos. My presidential legacy would barely top that of Rutherford B. Hayes, but c'mon, how often do you get to buy THAT many Cheetos?" I've seen the look before, and trust me, Obama had that look.

McCain begins with thanks and a warm shout out to Senator Kennedy, who's ill. The Chappaquittick girl is still dead, by the way. Unlike Obama, McCain doesn't look at the camera. He looks at Lehrer, undressing the septuagenarian with his eyes. Ooh, baby, those sexy sun spots! I want to rub arthritis cream ALL over your strange epidermal growths! Those eyes...they...McCain blinks like a motherfugger. Ever notice that? Blinkety blink. There he goes again. Michael Caine, Hollywood actor and star of Jaws 4, uses a single technique for his many inspiring roles, such as the romantic interest in Jaws 4. When he's playing a devil-may-care bloke as he did in Jaws 4, he doesn't blink on-camera. When he's playing an untrustworthy or intimidated character, as he did in Jaws 4, he blinks a lot. That's it. That's the Michael Caine 98-Years-of-Experience School of Acting. John McCain, whose last name is identical to Michael Caine's if you misspell it, blinks a lot. Draw whatever conclusions you may. Remember the Kennedy/Nixon debate when Nixon was sick with fever and sweating while Kennedy was slick and polished? The difference is that stark. Obama was born for the camera. I wish he'd drop this presidential nonsense and take over Mister Roger's Neighborhood. He'd be great at it. I bet he'd do an awesome King Friday.

Lehrer then asks both candidates (presumably he asked all the other candidates, but again, they weren't given air time) to--basically--answer the danged question. Obama is no longer looking at the camera. He's on Lehrer. His brow turns serious. Serious Obama. Serious Obama is not as suited for Mister Roger's Neighborhood. Bottom line: Obama says he warned everyone about the impending crisis. McCain adds that he too warned everyone about this crisis. "A lot of us saw this trainwreck coming," he says. Oh, really? Really? Oh. For a second I thought this was a financial crisis. Whatever. Nice try, fellas. Apparently, this supposed financial debacle was merely Indiana Jones 4. Everyone knew it was coming. Everyone knew it would suck. It came. It sucked. Filmmakers George Lucas and Steven Spielberg celebrated with a cranberry stuffed turkey roasted by the mellow hickory flavor of hundred dollar bills. Mmmmm, dollar roasted turkey.

McCain goes on with a story about Eisenhower. Nobody in TV-land knows who Eisenhower is or what ship he rowed to bring the magical gillyweed back to Hogwarts. McCain also talks about accountability. I'll have to look that up, though. My generation isn't familiar with that term.

The biggest thing is both of them put forth the political magic that Main Streeters (this is the new polite term for "those benighted masses out there who don't go to country clubs or run for the presidency") are hurting and paying for Wall Street's mistake. At the same time, they both support bailing out the Wall Street mistake-makers at the expense of Main Streeters.

Asked to sum up their differences, it boils down to: "I believe in Coors Lite!" "Hoho! That's preposterous! I believe in Bud Light!" As if there are no other beers.

Their bickering over their Senate voting records isn't very inspired. The Flavor of Love and I Love New York reality series had much better fights. Simon and Paula have shed more blood. This is more like The Surreal Life without Vanilla Ice. Nobody's tuning in for Emmanuel Lewis and Traci Bingham.

I did enjoy listening to McBama talking about Iraq and Afghanistan. I sounded the same way while playing Axis and Allies. Plastic pieces on a cardboard map. I want to play these two. I bet I win. I bet I also win at Madden, but that's neither here or there.

Three tropes I noticed throughout: Obama often responded thusly, "John is right that x, and we need to also do y." McCain never agreed. He was always on the attack. Second, with a few exceptions, Obama referred to McCain as "John." McCain used, "Senator Obama." Lastly, Jim Lehrer actually does a good job trying to get both candidates off-script. Just like Michael Caine did in Jaws 4.