2008 Presidential Choices

Coke or Pepsi?

by Alcoholic Poet

Trying to figure out who to vote for this November? We've got ourselves two fine choices this time around. And by fine, I mean shitty. Actually, there are other choices, but no one ever mentions those guys. Every time I get my sample ballot it always has these superfluous columns with strange names and parties in them. I guess whoever types up the things is having some fun. Making up people and parties to mess with our heads. Or to give us the illusion of choice. I mean, they can't be real candidates. Otherwise I would've heard about them. They'd be on the news. In the papers. Something.

So being the good american I am, I'll just ignore all those other people. McCain or Obama. Those are our choices. It's a bit like choosing between vaginal or anal rape. Either way you're fucked.

Let's examine our choice of rapist on a more individual basis. We'll start with McCain. Scary POW guy. Allegedly called his wife the 'c' word. Cute? No. Charlie? No, but that would be funny. C U Next Tuesday? Bingo. Classy guy. He reminds me of a coach from some after school special who was a little too fond of the boys on the team. He'd be ass rape. He'd do it from behind. So we couldn't see his face. Just like all Republicans do it.

Democrats are more straightforward that way. They'll fuck you right to your face. (It used to be the other way around, but the parties had a top secret coin flip sponsored by the Committee on Presidential Debates. Democrats won this year. Salami in your face it is.) Obama looks like a physics professor. He's scary smart. Or at least likes to think that WE think he's scary smart. Americans don't like that. They want a president on their level. Which generally means a moron. Case in point: George W.

Maybe we should only let smart people vote. Have an IQ test before you can register. See, now that's elitist. Something neither candidate really is. Because they both love idiots. All politicians love idiots because they're the people who keep going with the system. Choosing evil A or B. Ignoring all those other extraneous columns on the ballots. It's easy to sit back and blame Washington. But the American public is really to blame. They just don't get it. They just keep voting. As if that actually matters. Taking sides. As if there really is a side to take. Voting in America is a lot like having diarrhea. You want to the shit to stop, but you're powerless to actually stop it.

Let's examine the moral character of our candidates. McCain divorced his sick wife and married a bazillionaire heiress. If that isn't the american dream, I don't know what is. He verbally abuses his wife in public. God knows what he does to her in private. The stupid cunt bought him seven houses and thirteen cars. Bitch had it coming.

Obama comes from humble beginnings. He was a poor scholarship kid from Chicago. His brains got him where he wanted to go. He's pretty nerdy looking. I'll bet he got beat up a lot in high school. Can we really let a guy who spent so much time getting shoved into lockers run the free world?

The guy who gives the beatings or the guy who took them. Choices, choices.

The fact is, there is no good choice. All politicians suck. Every last one of them. The whole system has been designed to give the public the illusion of power, while keeping the actual power firmly in the pockets of the wealthy. The only question is: Do you want to be raped from behind or do you want to see their face?