Christmas in October: A Love Story
McRib Appreciation Month
by Adam BrownIt doesn't happen often. Once maybe twice a year, if we're lucky. It's an event so rare that, for a few weeks, citizens throughout this great nation put aside their petty differences and unite in celebration of something so very perfect that it could only have been created by the hands of God herself. What could possibly break through the walls of fear and mistrust that we Americans build up around ourselves and, if only for a moment, bring us together as one in joyous revelry? The McRib sandwich, of course.
Made from only a simple bun, barbecue sauce, onions, pickles, and what very well could be meat of some sort, the McRib sets the standard of deliciousness by which all other fast food must be compared. Shunning the tired sesame seed bun and beef/chicken/fish formula of most fast food creations, the McRib stands alone, a maverick in its field. Sporting a slab of McPork lovingly handcrafted to appear as if it once had bones and enough sauce to fuel a Kansas City rib festival for two weeks, the McRib succeeds where so many others have failed: eschewing the norms of fast food preparation while still winning a place in the hearts and minds of the carnivorous American public. Do you remember the Arch Deluxe? How about the McDLT? Oriental Chicken McNuggets? Of course you don't. These dalliances with fast food innovation were but mere pretenders to the throne of the mighty McRib. And now, like a Phoenix from the ashes, the McRib has risen again. Be afraid Honey Mustard McSnack Wrap, be very afraid.
I was on my way home from work when I first learned of the McRib's return. Driving past one of only 60 McDonald's within the vicinity of my workplace, I saw a message in black letters on a yellow background...THE MCRIB IS BACK! After momentarily passing out from the sudden rush of euphoria, I executed a high speed lane change to pull into the drive-thru that would make French Connection-era Gene Hackman green with envy. Never one to pass up a bargain, I opted for the super-sized value meal. What's that Miss Order Taker? Would I like to add an extra McRib for one dollar? You bet your french fry grease scented ass I would!
The drive home seemed like an eternity. The sweet, vaguely barbecue-ish scent of the piping-lukewarm taste sensation that awaited filled my car, temporarily overpowering the smell of cat piss that still lingers from that time when I took my beloved Precious to the vet without her pet carrier. Bad idea. But ugly moments like that seemed a million miles away now. When I finally reached home, I had half a mind to just kind of slow down and jump out of the car while it was still moving. Who has time to monkey around with an ignition at a time like this? Fortunately, my better judgement prevailed and, with the vehicle safely in park, I made way to the living room couch. Pausing only to Van Damme-style kick open the front door, it was finally time to eat.
The unimaginable pleasure that came with the first bite of this faux meat marvel was exceeded only be the second bite. Sauce! Pickles! Onions! What could be various pig parts! Each component more than held up its end of the taste bargain. Of course, with great joy usually comes great sacrifice. In this case, my sacrifice was dealing with my girlfriend sitting across the room glaring at me in disgust as I tore into my second McRib in as many minutes. "You know, that stuff will kill you," she whined. Yeah, you know what else will kill you? Me, if you don't shut yer stupid pie hole! There are a lot of things in this world that I fear. The McRib is not one of them. The McRib is my friend. No, it's OUR friend! Yours and mine. Enjoy it while you can, for soon it will be gone. Soon, we will return to living in a world where double cheeseburgers are king and pigs ribcages have bothersome bones in them. Until then, if you have trouble finding me, it's because I'm busy gaining 60 pounds...one delicious slab of processed meat perfection at a time.
