Manly Man Food for Men

How to eat like a man without having to read some wussy-ass book

by Zach Whalen

Hey bros! Haha I said bros because this article is totally for all the guys out there, so anyone reading this who likes ponies and pink teddy bears and curling irons can just quit right now, because this article is all about motors and fighting and building stuff. I got the idea for this article when I heard some chick (probably Oprah) going off about her crazy diet and how all she does is eat salads with no bacon bits. Well this got me thinking that what the world really needs is a manly diet, for men. So what I did is I went around looking for the manliest foods I could find and then I assembled them into a balanced diet that would make any man go "Augh augh augh!" like my favorite TV character, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. So anyway, here is the manliest diet ever created:

Puritan's Irish Stew

Okay, Puritan's Irish Stew is perhaps the manliest lunch ever invented. It's like you take a big can of gravy, like KFC style (also manly, but more of a supper thing) and you throw in potatoes and beef and man stuff. Man stuff is like when you talk about muscle cars or just regular muscles and you tell your wife/girlfriend to go away because this is man talk. Anyway, Man Stuff is the main ingredient in Puritan's Irish Stew, and let me tell you there's nothing Puritan about the big manly flavor of Irish Stew.

Wings

There's not much that is manlier than eating wings when you're out with your bros for a night on the town, but when you get wings you have to make sure you get the hot wings and make sure everyone knows it. Like sometimes you might be offered honey garlic wings. DON'T FALL FOR IT. Honey garlic is like poison to real men, because if you eat honey garlic wings everyone will think that you aren't man enough to eat the hot wings. You want to order the hot wings and when you're eating them tell everybody that they're "not that hot" or that you've had hotter, EVEN IF YOU HAVEN'T. Make sure to tell them this 5-6 times so they get the point.

Vector cereal

Next is Vector cereal, which I think is pretty manly even though it's cereal. It doesn't have any marshmallows or candies in it so that is pretty manly, and it's made of flakes, which kind of reminds me of eating woodchips, so that is also manly. Basically Vector is the cereal that you eat when you are a professional athlete like a football player or a guy who punches cars really hard. I don't know its exact effects, but it probably helps guys get super buff or it makes it so you can sprint across all outdoors without even breaking a sweat.

Energy Drink

It's important to have something to drink with any manly meal you might be having. There are lots of manly things you could drink, like beer or motor oil, but everyone knows those are super manly so I'm gonna talk about energy drink. Lots of people get a cup of coffee when they need a boost, but coffee is for crybabies who hang out at Starbucks and read the New Yorker. A real man would reach for a can of Red Bull or Monster and chug it like he doesn't even care. You want to make sure that after you chug an energy drink you do something awesome to show everyone how jacked up you are. Like you could crush the can on your head or you could even rip it apart with your teeth. After that, your ready to stay up all night swapping manly stories with your bros or playing Risk.

Hot Fudge Sundae

I know what you're thinking: "Sundae? What is he talking about? Sundaes are for wusses and babies!" And you would be right except that you're missing the key word here: HOT! This is not a wussy cold soft serve sundae like anything you might be thinking of, this is a sundae that is smokin' hot and full of chunks of fudge (as a rule of thumb, anything with chunks is manly). One time I was at Dairy Queen, about to order a Flamethrower Burger (which is what I eat when I go there because it lets everybody know just how intense I am) and this guy in front of me is like "I'll have a chocolate sundae." He meant just chocolate, not hot fudge. I just laughed out loud, cut right in front of him and ordered a hot fudge sundae, then I was all, "What? Were you afraid you would burn your tongue?" Then I took my hot fudge sundae back to the car, and didn't even let it cool down before I ripped right into it. The heat was pretty intense but it was still awesome.

Okay, so now that you know what foods are manly, you should just eat them whenever and not even bother with this "everything in moderation" bullcrap. Don't be surprised if in a few weeks you get super buff or a barbed wire tatoo appears on your arm. That just means the diet is working and you are getting even manlier. That's it for now, so until next time, stay manly bros.