Greg McAwesome, Jedi Knight

by Dave McAwesome

Underoos was more than an underwear brand. It made us kids feel like somebodies. More than feed a mere fascination with our super-heroes, Underoos let us become them. Ya slide into Boba Fett Underoos and for that day you are Boba Fett. Underoos also took it upon themselves to act as the administrative arm for the new, post-Empire Jedi Council. They had clout, dude.

Their chief duty under Luke Skywalker's nascent order of Force-wielding do-gooders was handling the many filing duties required in the recruitment of new Jedi Knights. Most of the old administrative clerks were blown up in not one, but two Death Stars (thank you very much, over-zealous rebels). I recently secured one document under the Freedom of Information Act. It concerns one Greg McAwesome.

I'm proud to reveal to you all that my brother is, indeed, a Jedi Knight. Check it out: Yoda's signature and everything. I never knew Yoda had the penmanship of a retarded 10-year-old. That's probably why he joined the Jedi Academy. You can't get into Yale with such an askew "a." Sure, you say, but he was dead. Fool. You think Yoda wouldn't have to foresight to pre-sign a bunch of these before doing the death dance? Yoda knew there'd be a new Jedi Council. He'd just lost the most important battle of his life. Got his but kicked in by Darth Sidious. He failed to see Anakin becoming Darth Vader, failed to read the simpleton minds of legions of stormtroopers who were part of a vast conspiracy. He was worried about his legacy, dammit. How better to shore up your posthumous memory in the hearts and minds of future Jedi than to sign their membership cards? "Oh, Yoda can't be all bad. He signed my card. That's cool. I'll forget that the darkest days of the Jedi were on his watch." Yoda's will also left his considerable financial holdings to research institutions searching for the cures to various interstellar maladies like Space AIDS and Space Herpes.

You'll notice Greg is not a standard Jedi Knight. He's an Honorary Jedi Knight. You know what that means, don't you? He never had to take any of those stupid classes, like Force Push 101 and Jedi Basketweaving. Nuh uh. So strong was he with the Force, they threw him right into the fray.

It turns out that all those sibling brawls I thought I won were a complete sham. That he didn't fight back wasn't because I pinned his arms down with my knees. No. He didn't fight back because he was a Jedi, and it's not the Jedi's nature to bust out the lightsaber acrobatics on a non-Jedi.

The way Greg signed it is very interesting. If I had a scanner, this would be much clearer. I blew up the section for further inspection. He's either signing it "Gregory," an admittedly boring possibility, or he's opted for a Jedi name, Gregor X. Judge for yourself, but I'm siding with the latter. It's just like him to come up with a stupid Jedi name. Yeah, that's right. I'm calling you out, dude. Stupid name. You want to shut me up, do it with your Force voodoo.