Go Beep Yourself
Love at the speed of a honking horn
by Kristin vander FakenameMen are pigs. Okay, maybe not all men, but most men. Quite a few of them actually choose to scream it out loud for the whole world to hear. I'm speaking of the men who beep at girls while in their cars.
I will never understand this pathetic beeping phenomenon. Great, so an idiot in an unmarked van thinks I'm good looking at 40 mph. Wonderful. I can sleep tonight. My self-confidence has now sky-rocketed to unseen heights. I'm not sure what they want to happen. Am I expected to clutch my chest in a swoon and then start tearing off my clothes? Should I hail a cab and chase down their car while standing on the running boards like a Keystone Cop? Am I supposed to lasso my bag around their bumper and skid behind them on my 3-inch heels like waterskis until they stop? I have never dated a beeper. Shocking, right? I have never even talked to a beeper other than to scream profanities.
I was crossing a major intersection the other day, minding my own business. I had both bath and bodyworks products to purchase. Summer shoes were on deep discount at the mall. Then I had to update all my friends and comments at my purplebutterflydancerxoxo myspace account. Not halfway through the street, I was beeped. It scared the living crap out of me considering I was a foot away from the bumper of the car and it was extremely loud.
I figured the light turned green and this impatient asshole couldn't wait the five seconds for me to mosey on to the sidewalk. Or maybe I just wasn't paying attention while I was crossing. I glanced at the lights. It was still red. What gives? I looked at the car. A man was smiling at me. And waving. He was also more than twice my age. And ugly. I shook my head in disgust and kept walking. I'd like to think my reaction hurt him. That he went back to his lonely apartment to snuggle up to some Skinamax. That he at least reformed himself into a non-beeper. But I know, somewhere out there at some anonymous intersection he is smiling, waving and honking his horn (and god knows what else) at random women who will never touch him.
Men, I think it's time for you to evolve and come up with a somewhat civilized and less demeaning way of telling a girl you want to bang her. Maybe smashing your heads together like a pair of rutting moose.
