Zartan, Dreadnok

"The laws of physics don't apply to me."

I don't know what to say about Zartan other than "shenanigans." The figure itself was okay. His skin really changed color in sunlight. Suddenly, Cobra had itself an X-men Comics mutant. This chameleon-like ability would be cool for camouflage, no? What a great way to blend into the dark, dense jungles of...uh...wait, he turns blue. Yeah, this is a motif with Cobra. The soldiers' uniforms are blue. Cobra Commander wears blue. Zartan turns blue. Where are they waging this covert terrorist war? The bottom of the Pacific Ocean?

Zartan in normal light and Zartan turning blue. No matter what light Zartan is in, check out his body. He's got a six-pack...a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Yo, Z, you telling me there's so much nightlife in your swamp home that you can't count off a few sit-ups?

Zartan rode a swamp skimmer that also changed color slightly in the sun. Zartan wore a hood, although many of us kids who owned the figure debated long on the park grass whether or not it was really a hood or his hair. Lastly, he came with a backpack which stored the mask of a young Vincent Price. Pretty nifty. The mask was also a good stand-in for Lee Van Cleef.

That's the figure. The file card stretches things a bit by saying he can change his skin color at will. Outside of Halloween parties, I'm not sure how blue skin helps on the battlefield, but that's okay because Larry Hama, who wrote the G.I. Joe comic had another plan. In the comics, Zartan could shape-shift into other people. That's right. Zartan could create matter out of nothing, form it into any shape he chose and walk around like a doppelganger. He also had some crazy Klingon cloaking technology that made his swamp base invisible. There was some half-assed explanation in the comics that Zartan employed a combination of holography and hypnotism to create this shape-shifting effect, but let's face it, that kinda of pseudo-scientific, make-shift story is like saying Santa Claus uses an industrial lubricant to squeeze his fat rump down tight chimneys. None of us eskimos are buying that icebox.

I cut Larry Hama a lot of slack because his comics were, for the most part, well written, engaging, chock full of military factoids, true to the code of honor amongst fighting men, and somewhat realistic. I can't, however, excuse this crazy gypsy magic. If you think this is bad, wait until you read my entry on Snake Eyes and the portrayal of ninjas in the G.I. Joe comic.

Let's recap. Zartan is an alien being immune to our physical laws. Rather than sell his Star Trek technology and spend the rest of his days in the city of his choice screwing Asian calendar models, he has opted for the life of a mercenary: hiding in a swamp, putting his life at risk, and earning a spot on the Top 10 Most Wanted lists of every major law enforcement agency.