Scarlett

G.I. Joe's G.I. Mistress

by Dave McAwesome

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. That's what I should've said to whoever gave me this figure. As a boy raised on stereotypes, I had no use for female action figures. Girls are the source of 90 to 95 percent of all cooties, and that doesn't translate well to the living room battlefield.

The figure was ugly with a capital Ug. The picture on her filecard was pretty. Somewhere along the line, quality control blew it. If she's supposed to be a bull dyke, then fine. Just say so. But according to the comics and cartoon, she's a salami smoker.

Let's talk fashion. Where did she shop? The clearance rack in Marshall's? She's a counter intelligence agent. How does this outfit lend itself to anything other than scorn and derision? And she's supposed to hide that unwieldy crossbow where? Let's say she's trailing a Cobra agent who ducks into a nightclub. Scarlett ain't getting in. No bouncer in the world is going to admit this hot mess.

Scarlett dated Snake-Eyes in the comic book but Duke in the cartoon. We all know Destro is the Cassanova of the G.I. Joe universe. It's hard to imagine Scarlett and ol' iron tongue aren't star spangling some banners when the Baroness is off training Central American insurgents.